Secrets

By: Emma

© 2001

Disclaimer: I don’t know them and I sure as hell don’t know anything about their mental health, although I have my theories. This is a work of fiction, which means it’s NOT REAL. Get it? Got it? Good.

He was feeling more than slightly psychotic today. That was a change from yesterday when he had felt only mildly psychotic. Today, the need to inflict pain on someone, anyone, was growing inside him, overwhelming him, and he didn’t care at this point if the pain he dealt was physical or emotional. He just wanted someone else to hurt. He chuckled softly to himself, eliciting curious looks from his friends but he ignored them.

His friends.

Whooee. If they had even the slightest idea what went through his head on a daily basis, they would have him committed to the nearest mental hospital. But he wasn’t crazy. He just liked hurting people. Nothing wrong with that as far as he could see and he liked to think that he had a pretty good grasp on things. That’s the way it was when no one paid you any mind, you sat back and watched how things went. You paid attention and you took it all in, keeping everything filed away in mental folders to be used at a later date. From the start he had been the quiet one, the shy one. The one no one paid too much attention to, aside from the cursory glance, the one that said ‘oh yeah, you’re in the group, too. Forgot about you.’ Then the attention would shift back to Justin, the golden child, or to JC, the golden voice. Never to him. But he was okay with that, although it did bother him a bit when he spoke up in interviews or press conferences and there was always that initial murmur of surprise when the press would remember that there was, in fact, a fifth member of this group that had shattered records worldwide.

But, right. Pain. He wanted to cause some.

“Hey Chris.” He said, turning in his seat to look at the oldest member of the group. He almost laughed when Chris turned to look at him, raising his eyebrow and cocking his head to the side in silent question. But laughing would have been bad. He needed to maintain a serious façade if he was going to be taken seriously. “How does it feel to know you’re almost thirty and still part of a boy-band?” He sneered the last word, his lips twisting. “I mean, don’t you think that’s kind of pathetic?”

Somewhere in the back of his mind it registered that the others had gasped in surprise, but he was focused solely on Chris. On the way his mouth formed that perfect circle of surprise. On the way his brown eyes widened as he tried to figure out whether or not the question was a joke. On the way Chris’s shoulders slumped and his head ducked down when he realized that it wasn’t. A satisfied smirk crept across his face and he turned back around, his attention focused on the passing scenery outside the bus window. Behind him he could hear sniffling and a soft laugh escaped his lips before he could stop it.

It was nice knowing his friend’s weaknesses.

A hard slap on the back of his head caused him to jump in surprise and he whirled around, ready to face his attacker.

“That wasn’t nice, man.” Joey said, anger lining his otherwise smooth features. “What the hell is the matter with you?”

He shrugged, his eyes daring Joey to continue berating him. Joey must have seen something there because he narrowed his eyes and studied him for a moment before turning and comforting Chris again. Joey was going to be his next target, he decided. Better to get him out of the way. He was too easy to pick on. Of all the things people knew about Joey, no one would ever suspect that he was really insecure, always self-conscious, always wondering what people really thought of him. Ah, but which of Joey’s many weaknesses should he use as his weapon today? The fact that the outwardly tough New Yorker had to prove to himself that he was still a man even though he sang and danced for a living, so he had a steady stream of women in and out of his hotel room on every stop? Such a shame, really, that he wasn’t self aware enough to realize that those women, girls really, weren’t ever going to fill whatever hole he had within himself. That was something only Joey could do. But that was too easy to pick on, and calling Joey a slut just didn’t have the same punch that it used to because Joey had gotten used to it, and had even started to wear the title like a badge of honor.

There was, of course, Joey’s never-ending fascination with Superman. Not exactly the kind of obsession a grown man should have. But, that was also too easy. Besides, Joey was proud of that too. Annoyingly proud of it. It was cool in the beginning when Joey was eighteen and barely out of high school and could still pull off the young guy growing into a man bullshit. But Joey was twenty three now, and he should have outgrown it. But he hadn’t, and he still acted more like a boy than a man. So, Superman was out.

He fingers tapped out a tuneless beat on the surface of the table as he tried to think of something, anything, that would cut deeper into Joey than even the sharpest knife. There had to be something. It hit him harder than Joey’s hand had and he wondered how he could have overlooked something this perfect. Something he had discovered one night a few years ago in Germany when Joey had gotten careless. “Hey Joey,” He said casually, a friendly smile on his face.

“What?” Joey spat. He was still comforting Chris, his hand rubbing small circles on the smaller man’s back.

“When are you going to tell the others about your little secret?”

Joey’s hand stilled and he turned slowly. “I don’t have any secrets from you guys.” Joey said carefully.

Maybe you should, Joseph. He smirked and tilted his head to the side, green eyes wide with innocence. “Oh, okay.” He said, turning back to the window. “I didn’t know you had come out to everyone else.”

Dead silence. It was all he could do not to turn around and see the reactions of his dear friends. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine what they were doing. JC’s mouth had probably fallen open, although whether it was in surprise or shock would be impossible to determine without turning around. He could hear shuffling and knew that Chris had pulled away from Joey, his touch repulsing him. Justin was probably looking back and forth between him and Joey, wondering how it was possible that he hadn’t been the first to know something. Egotistical little prick. Emphasis on the little.

“What’s the matter with you, Lance?” JC asked quietly.

With me, he thought. Nothing. Not a damn thing. Life couldn’t be better. Well, actually, it could. “Nothing, JC.” Lance answered, turning to look at his friend. “What’s the matter with you?” JC tilted his head and furrowed his brow. He loved it when his friends played right into his hands. “Nothing a little Zovirax won’t put into an inactive state, I’m sure.” JC’s mouth fell open and he sagged against the back of his chair.

That dirty little secret had come to light a few months ago when he had stumbled upon a bottle of medicine with the name Joshua Chasez on it. When he had asked JC what it was for, JC had lied to him and told him that it was for the migraines he got sometimes. Right. Migraines. If by migraines he meant herpes. Oh sure, same thing. JC had begged him not to say anything, gotten down on his hands and knees when he had confronted the older man about it, coming to him with the print out he had gotten from the internet about the drug. Migraines. He snorted.

“Zovirax?” Joey said softly, momentarily forgetting that his own secret had been revealed.

“Gay?” JC shot back, blue eyes flashing with anger and hatred.

“Okay, we know that Chris is old and Joey’s gay,” Justin said, trying to get a handle on things. He turned confused eyes to JC. “What’s Zovirax for?”

He laughed and his four friends turned to look at him, horror plain on their faces. He tried to control himself, to no avail. “Yes, JC. What’s Zovirax for?” He managed to get out before dissolving in another fit of psychotic laughter.

“Shut the fuck up, asshole.” JC shouted.

Oh my, was that a crack in the ever-calm façade of JC Chasez, musical genius?

Turning to Justin, JC spoke softly. “It’s for herpes.”

Justin’s face contorted in disgust and he stood from his seat next to JC so quickly that he stumbled. “Herpes?” He squawked. “You have herpes?” A shudder stole through him and JC lowered his head, but not before shooting a dirty look at his betrayer. “How the hell did you get herpes? Never-mind,” Justin said quickly, waving his hand. “I don’t even want to know.” The baby of the group turned to look at Joey. “And how could you not tell us that you’re gay? What the hell kind of secret is that anyway? How could you keep it from us? You can tell us anything.”

Joey snorted. “Oh sure, I’m gonna walk up to you, Mr.-I’m-so-open-and-PC-but-I-make-jokes-about-two-guys-having-dinner-together, and tell you that I’m gay?” Joey turned to JC. “Or, was I supposed to go first to Mr. Amish-with-electricity?”

Why Joseph. Lance thought to himself, a small smile of satisfaction on the corners of his mouth. Was that a dig at JC’s religion?

Joey was still ranting and Lance tuned in just as he said to Justin “I suppose you don’t have any secrets either?”

“I don’t!” Justin retorted before clamping his mouth shut and shooting a fearful glance at Lance.

Being the quiet one certainly has its advantages.

“Justin,” He said, his tone warning. “Might as well come clean now.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Justin feigned innocence. And he did it so well. It was a shame Lance was going to have to shatter that precious image he maintained.

“Detroit.” Was all he said. When the implication of that didn’t sink in, he rolled his eyes and started listing other cities. “Kansas City. LA. Boston. DC. Philadelphia.”?

“Stop it, Lance.” Justin said, angry now.

“Orlando. Careless to do it there, our hometown and all. San Diego. Phoenix. Milwaukee.” The others were staring at Justin now, watching as his face creased and fear stole through his body with a shudder. This was getting fun.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Chris demanded, leaving his pity party for one long enough to join the conversation.

Lance looked at Justin and waited for him to say something, but the young man was frozen in fear. “Seems our little Jujube,” Lance started and Justin cried out pitifully. Lance spoke over his keening. “Seems our little Jujube likes things a little rough.” Three pairs of blank eyes looked at him then back at Justin, sitting now with his knees pulled to his chest. “In each of the cities I named, I caught our little Justin roughing up women in his room.” Chris and Joey turned to look at Justin, their eyes clouding over with disgust. JC couldn’t even look at him, just turned his head aside to avoid looking at any of them. “Yeah,” Lance continued. “Seems it makes him feel like more of a man.”

He leaned back against the wall of the bus, content now that he had brought some pain to each of them. His work here was done. He was free to sit back and watch the results now. He could hardly wait. He knew that Chris hated the fact that there were men out there who abused women. His reaction would be the most violent. Frankly, Lance was looking forward to the physical altercation that would surely come after this revelation. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the window, waiting for the sounds of flesh hitting flesh, the sign that he had, indeed, been victorious in his quest.

What he heard instead was soft murmuring and whispers. He opened his eyes and raised his head slowly, mouth dropping open when he saw Chris kneeling in front of Justin, cradling the younger man in his arms, telling him that they were going to get him some help. What was going on? Lance thought as he watched Joey and JC hug. When JC turned and patted Justin’s arm, and Chris stood and pulled Joey into an embrace as Joey ran the palm of his hand across Justin’s newly shaven head, Lance propelled himself to his feet.

Then they all turned to look at him.

“What the hell is the matter with you?” Joey demanded softly and Lance covered his ears with his hands.

What’s the matter with you? He could still hear Joey’s voice, only it wasn’t Joey’s and it wasn’t questioning, it was taunting. Freak, it said. Not normal. Psycho. Crazy. Lance could feel his body began to shake and he rocked back and forth.

“No!” He shouted, trying to silence to mocking. “I’m not! I’m not psycho.” He could feel hands and he brought his hands away from his ears long enough to strike out and land punches on anyone who touched him. “Leave me alone!” He cried out, stumbling and almost falling in his haste to get away. Still the hands were there, and he crumpled to the floor, hitting his head sharply against the corner of one of the cabinets. He pulled his knees into his chest and buried his face in his knees. “Leave me alone!” He cried again. Then the hands were gone and there was blessed silence and welcoming darkness.

When he came to he was stretched out on the couch in the front lounge, Justin kneeling next to him, a cold cloth on his forehead. He squinted at him for a long moment before turning his eyes upward to look at the faces of his friends. Why did they look so scared? “What happened?” He asked softly and they exchanged worried glances.

“How’s your head?” Joey asked and Lance focused on him before raising one hand to his head.

“My head?” Lance asked, confused. His fingers hit a lump and he winced. “Hurts like a bitch. What happened?” There was that look again and this time it made his stomach clench in terror. He swung his legs over the side of the couch, clutching his head when it swam with the sudden movement. “Guys,” He whispered. “What happened? Please. I need to know.”

And they told him. They told him all the things he had said. They told him how he had hurt them all.

He listened to them while staring out the window of the bus, trying to hide the tears that welled up in his eyes and eventually spilled over. When they were done, when all had been said, he looked at them then down at his hands. “I…I don’t know what to tell you.” He said softly. “Except that it wasn’t me.” Chris snorted in derision and Lance looked up at him, his green eyes wide with honesty. “It wasn’t.” There was no defensiveness in his voice, only quiet honesty and they looked at each other again.

“Then who was it?” Joey asked carefully. “Because, he looked like you and he sounded an awful lot like you.”

“Except that he didn’t.” JC jumped in. “Sound like you, I mean. I’d never heard you sound so…mean.”

Lance twisted his lips in a grimace. “Danny.” He muttered.

“Excuse me?” Justin asked, not sure he had heard Lance correctly. He shot a look at the others.

“Danny.” Lance said more clearly. He sighed. “I guess it’s only fair that I tell you my big secret now, huh?” With raised eyebrows his friends nodded. “Danny is, according to my shrink…yeah, I see a shrink.” He said at their looks of surprise. “Danny is a personality.”

“You have DID?” Chris asked, his voice seemingly higher as is cracked with disbelief.

Lance nodded and Justin asked. “What’s DID?”

“Disassociative Identity Disorder.” Lance and Chris answered in unison. Justin didn’t even try to hide his confusion. “My mind created different personalities that come out for different reasons.” Lance explained. “Usually it’s controlled with medicine, but I ran out the other day and I haven’t had a chance to refill the prescription.

“How many you got, man?” Chris asked, no longer angry but excited at the revelation.

“Three.”

“There’s three other Lance’s in there?” Justin scratched his head and tried to put the pieces together.

Lance shook his head. “There’s only one Lance. There’s also Danny, Billy, and Susie.” He mumbled the last name.

“Did you say Susie?” Justin piped up again and Lance shot him a dirty look before nodding. “Dude, you got a girl in there?” He rapped Lance’s forehead with his knuckles. “Make her come out.”

“Shut the fuck up, Justin.” Chris said at the same time that Lance gave Justin a shove that sent him across the aisle of the bus.

“I don’t really want to talk about it anymore right now.” Lance said tiredly, standing from his seat. “I’m sorry guys, okay?” They all nodded and watched as he disappeared into his bunk.

“Well, that was…enlightening.” JC said, taking the seat that Lance had vacated.

Lance, firmly ensconced in his bunk, chuckled softly as his friend’s words floated back to him. Just before he fell asleep he muttered softly to himself.

“Suckers.” -