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It had been a hard week for the Boys, who had been forced to announce their break-up at a press conference that Tuesday. Since then, they had gotten more media attention than they had in awhile. They preferred to stay out of the limelight though, ignoring reporters’ nosy and obnoxious questions, which mostly revolved around Nick.
After the press conference, Kevin, AJ, and Howie had flown to Atlanta to spend a few days at Brian’s house, and to see Nick. Unfortunately, he seemed to be nearly the same since the last time they had been there. It seemed as if he would never get any better than that.
After school on Friday afternoon, Marissa walked down the street towards Kaelyn’s house, breathing deeply in the fresh spring air. Kaelyn had not been at school that day, and Marissa was heading to her house to drop off her homework, which she had picked up at school.
Truthfully, Marissa knew Kaelyn wouldn’t care if she got her homework right away, but Marissa was worried about her friend. She had talked to Kaelyn on the phone Wednesday night, after the news that the Backstreet Boys were breaking up had been broadcasted on MTV, and Kaelyn had sounded very depressed, even more so than she had in a long time. At school the day before, she had seemed locked in a world of her own, separated from reality. Marissa was concerned.
Marissa walked up the steps to Kaelyn’s front porch, steps she had climbed so many times in the duration of their long friendship. She rang the doorbell and waited, but got no answer. Wondering where Kaelyn’s family could be, she rang the bell again, but still, no one answered.
Marissa glanced at the front picture window next to the front door and saw that the curtains were drawn back, exposing the TV, which was turned on.
Marissa was puzzled. She knew the Ross family always shut their curtains and turned off their TV before leaving to go anywhere.
She suddenly had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. Something was wrong; she could feel it.
Marissa grasped the doorknob and turned it slightly. It was unlocked. She opened it and stepped in hesitantly.
“Hello?” she called timidly, looking around for a sign that someone was there. There was no answer.
Worriedly, Marissa climbed the stairs, heading towards Kaelyn’s bedroom. The door was shut. Marissa knocked softly. “Kaelyn?” she asked. “You there, Kae?”
No answer.
Marissa slowly turned the doorknob. She knew there was no lock on Kaelyn’s door, so it should open easily. However, it only opened a few inches. Marissa realized there must be a chair or something blocking the entrance.
Frustrated, she wiggled the door, trying to push whatever the barrier was out of the way. After some struggle, she finally succeeded in getting the door open to the point where she could get in.
When she did, she looked around in confusion. At first glance, there was no sight of Kaelyn in the room.
And then she saw the feet. A pair of feet, showing from the other side of the bed, where someone was obviously lying.
“Kae, get up. It’s me, Marissa,” Marissa said, her voice shaking uneasily. When she got no answer, she slowly approached the bed.
When the body that belonged to the feet finally came into view, she gasped and let out an ear-piercing scream.
It was Kaelyn, lying on her back, her eyes open, fixed and staring up towards the ceiling. But they were not their usual sky blue. Instead, they were faded into a glassy gray.
But it wasn’t Kaelyn’s eyes that Marissa noticed first. It was the dark puddle of blood that surrounded her, soaking everything in a rich crimson.
“Kaelyn!” Marissa screamed, collapsing to the ground before her friend’s body. Her hands shaking, she reached out and touched her fingertips to Kaelyn’s neck to feel for a pulse. Kaelyn’s skin felt dry and cool, and Marissa got nothing. She was dead.
“Oh, my, God. Oh, my God,” Marissa choked, her breath coming out in short gasps.
Her eyes shifted to Kaelyn’s side, drawn to a metallic shimmer of a small, shiny object. On closer examination, Marissa realized that it was a razor blade. Looking at Kaelyn’s wrists, which still trickled fresh blood, Marissa automatically knew what had happened.
Kaelyn had taken her own life.
“Did Kaelyn seem depressed to you lately, Marissa?”
Marissa sat in the local police station, answering questions. She was experiencing déjà vu, remembering the time only a few months earlier, when she had been there after the accident that had been the cause for all of this.
“Well, yes. She… she hasn’t really been the same since the car accident we were in in January. Her boyfriend Luke was killed, and I don’t think she ever got over it. Plus, we just found out a couple days ago that Nick, the guy who we hit, was going to be brain damaged for the rest of his life, and I think that made her feel even worse. I never thought she would do this to herself though,” Marissa said, wiping her teary eyes with a Kleenex.
The police officer nodded.
“I feel so horrible,” Marissa continued, sobbing. “I shouldn’t have noticed how bad off she really was. I should have tried to help her.”
“Shhh,” the officer soothed. “Don’t blame yourself. Most people who are suicidal keep their feeling bottled up inside them. You had no way of knowing. It isn’t your fault.”
Marissa nodded, but she couldn’t help feeling like it was her fault. Once again, because of her stupidity, she had lost another friend. Another person’s life had been ruined because of her.
“The jury finds Shawn Matthew Roberts guilty for manslaughter. He is sentenced to serve five years in prison.”
The sound of the gavel striking the wood surface of the judge’s podium made Marissa jump.
Tears filled her eyes as she turned to look at her former boyfriend, who sat across the courtroom beside his lawyer, wearing a bright orange prison jumpsuit. And yet, she didn’t feel sorry for him. He had made a fatal mistake, and he deserved to pay for it. And he only had to serve five years. It could have been worse. What was five years, when Luke and Kaelyn were dead? And when Nick’s entire life was ruined? Five years was nothing.
Marissa watched as two guards led Shawn out of the courtroom, struck with melancholy. There went the last of the group she had been with that night. Kaelyn and Luke were dead, and now Shawn was gone, doomed to spend the next five years in jail.
And yet, she was still here. She hadn’t been killed, she hadn’t killed herself, and she hadn’t had to serve time. She knew that her punishment was just this though, just watching as people she cared about died or had their lives ruined. And that was punishment enough.
That night, as she stood in the bathroom, brushing her teeth, Marissa thought about Kaelyn. Kaelyn had taken the easy way out. She had ended her pain and guilt for good, by taking a razor to her wrists.
What would it be like to do that? To end your suffering, end your pain?
As Marissa opened the medicine cabinet to put away her toothpaste, her eyes fell on the bottles of medicine that lined the top shelf. Those were a lot of pills. Enough to kill someone, if they took them all.
Enough to end someone’s horrible feelings of guilt. To rid them of the pain that haunted them every minute of the day. To free them from their world of suffering.
As Marissa thought about, death sounded tempting. It would be a quick and easy way to escape, to leave all this behind forever.
That must have been what Kaelyn had been thinking.
Marissa’s heart pounded as she fingered the medicine bottles. Such an easy way. And a clean way too, unlike the gruesome death Kaelyn had bestowed upon herself.
Even now, four months after Kaelyn’s death, the image of her lying in that bloody puddle was imprinted in Marissa’s mind.
Marissa wouldn’t do that. She would make it nice and clean. All she had to do was choke down a few bottles of these pills, and within a short period of time, she would be dead.
Within minutes, her mind was made up. She took down a few bottles of pills, glancing at the labels to find out how strong they were. She knew that if she did this, she had to do it right. She sure didn’t want to wake up in the hospital after surviving through a suicide attempt. That would be worse than death.
Marissa opened the child-proof cap of one of the bottles. She took a handful of pills and shoved them in her mouth, dipping her face under the running faucet of the sink to wash them down. And then she swallowed another handful, and yet another after that.
Marissa didn’t know how much she had consumed when she finally stopped, but she knew it was enough. Her vision was getting blurry, and she was getting dizzy.
She slowly walked out of the bathroom and down the hall to her bedroom. Feeling light-headed and short of breath, she lay down upon her bed, flat on her back.
Her heart started to pound loudly in her ears, its beat growing fluttery and irregular. Her breath came in short gasps. Her chest felt like it was caving in on her. Her whole body ached as fiery pains shot through her.
But soon, the pain dulled, and it seemed as if her whole body had gone numb. Her heartbeat sounded slow and distorted in her ears, as her breathing became labored and ragged.
She grew tired, and before long, she could no longer keep her eyes open. She let them close, and darkness fell over her.
Marissa opened her eyes and looked around her. She was lying on a bed, and Shawn was standing beside her.
“Hey, Riss, you okay?” he asked.
Oh no! Marissa’s mind screamed. I shouldn’t be here. I’m supposed to be dead! How could I have failed?!
Marissa struggled to sit up. “What happened?” she asked.
“You passed out. Too much to drink, I guess. Luke and I carried you in here,” Shawn replied.
“Huh?” Marissa looked around and suddenly realized she wasn’t in a hospital room. It was a bedroom. A familiar looking bedroom.
And then it hit her. “Wait, did you just say Luke?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Shawn replied, looking confused. “Why?”
It was a dream! Marissa thought. Just a horrible nightmare! None of it was real. I’m back at the party, and everyone’s alive.
“Never mind,” she said shakily. She leapt off the bed and threw her arms around Shawn. “God, Shawn, I love you so much!” she cried, hugging him tightly.
“I love you too, babe,” Shawn replied, looking down at her strangely. “You ready to go home now?”
Marissa’s heart began to pound rapidly. “Yeah,” she said slowly, looking up at him. “You’re not driving, are you?”
“Of course I am,” he said.
“No, you’re not,” she said firmly. “I’m calling my parents to come get us.”
“What?!” Shawn cried. “They’ll kill you! And what about my car?!”
“You can get it in the morning,” Marissa replied sensibly. “Your life is more important than your car.”
“But-“
“No buts, Shawn. I’m calling my parents right now. Where’s the phone?”
Shawn sighed. “Fine,” he muttered, leading her out of the bedroom and to the nearest phone.
“Where’s Kaelyn and Luke?” Marissa asked as she dialed.
“They’re waiting by the front door,” Shawn replied.
“Okay. Go get them and tell them that my parents will be here soon. Don’t let them leave with anyone else. Got that?”
“Okay,” Shawn said grudgingly, heading off towards the front door. Marissa noticed that he was weaving from side to side when he walked.
Suddenly, someone on the other line picked up, startling her. “Hello?” came her mother’s groggy voice.
“Hi, Mom. It’s me, Marissa,” Marissa said. “Mom, can you come pick us up?”
“Have you been drinking?” was her mother’s first question.
“Yes,” Marissa replied honestly. “None of us are sober enough to drive.”
“Okay, honey. I’ll be there in five minutes,” Joyce said.
“Okay. Thanks, Mom,” Marissa replied, sagging with relief.
“Goodbye,” said Joyce, and the line clicked off.
Marissa hung up and walked to the front door, where Shawn waited with Kaelyn and Luke. She smiled; her joy at seeing her two other friends alive and happy was indescribable.
“My mom will be here in a few minutes.”
They nodded.
As the four of them stood there, waiting, Marissa heard a Backstreet Boys song start playing on the stereo. She smiled to herself, knowing that Nick was all right. His life would go on, and so would his group.
Marissa felt relief surge through her. She felt as if she’d been given another chance. And this time, she’d made the right decision.