"You ready to go?" I was so lost in my own thoughts that I never even heard Sara enter the room. "Faith?" She placed her hand on my arm, grabbing my attention away from the picture of him on the wall. "I know JC is gorgeous and all, but we need to get to the airport. Besides, maybe that guy you always talk about will be there." I smiled at her, nodding my head slowly as I stood up from the bed to grab my bags. If only she knew the truth about that guy.
I tossed my bag into the back of the car, turning as I heard my friend approach. "Be careful, man. I’ll see you next week." I smiled, nodding my head as I patted his arm. I turned to walk towards the already open car as his voice rang in my ears again. "Hey C, Merry Christmas, man."
I turned around to smile at him again. "Merry Christmas, Justin. Give Jon and Steven a good wrestle for me." He nodded his head, smiling at the mention of his two younger brothers. "I will, man. I just wish you were happier. Look at it this way...maybe she’ll be there." I smiled, the first real smile in weeks. Maybe he was right. Maybe she would be there.
I waved a quick goodbye as I slipped down onto the leather seat as the car made its way towards the airport. I did remember my mom saying she asked about me last Christmas. My work had kept me tied up, and I hadn’t been able to make it to the annual Christmas Eve party. I rested my forehead against the cold glass of the window as I thought about her. Would she even want me now? Many girls had been in and out of my life. None of them really caring for me...not the way she did.
"Faith, you know I love you, right?" I turned to look at Sara as she buckled her seatbelt. "Yeah," I whispered, taking the seat beside her. "Well, since I love you so much...as your best friend I’m going to be forced to KICK YOUR BUTT if you don’t SMILE." I couldn’t help but giggle at her...she looked so serious. "I’m sorry, Sar. I’m just tired of going home with false hopes," I whispered, lowering my head. "He’s not going to be there, and even if he is..."
She reached over to take my hand, turning me back to face her. "Tell me you weren’t about to say even if he is why would he want you." I slowly nodded my head, watching as she took a deep breath...closing her eyes before opening them again. "Faith, what makes you..." I jumped in, finally finding the courage to tell her. "There’s more to this story then you know, Sara. I think it’s time I told you who this guy is."
I slipped into my first class seat, my mind wandering back over the many years we had spent as friends. She was younger then me, so I had always looked at her like a little sister. She started out hanging around my little brother, but as they grew up she turned into one of the gang. Her and Tyler had practically become brother and sister themselves.
I still remembered that New Year’s Eve party. At midnight I turned and there she was. Who was I to break tradition? After that things changed. I felt something in that kiss, and no matter how hard I tried...I couldn’t shake it. It had taken me a month to finally work up the courage to tell Tyler...but even longer to tell her. I had even gone as far as planning a special picnic dinner in her favorite spot. I had never gone that crazy over a girl, but....
"Faith..." I nearly jumped out of the seat when I heard her name, but there was no way it was her. "JC, why would she be on a plane leaving Orlando?" I turned back around in my seat, closing my eyes at it began to lift off the ground.
"Alright, hang on...I’m sorry but I’ve got to process this. Faith, you’re telling me that you were not only friends with, but you dated JC Chasez," Sara whispered, trying to keep anyone else from hearing. I nodded my head slowly as tears began to sting the back of my eyes. "Sara, I wanted to tell you. I just couldn’t. It took so long for me to bury it. Being loved by JC isn’t just a dream for me. I actually had his love once, and I lost it."
With that said a tear finally slipped from my eyes. I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my chest, but at the same time that heartbreak that I had fought to suppress for so long clawed its way back up. I cried a whole new set of tears for JC and the love that I thought I had lost forever. I missed him so much.
I walked through the airport, my hat and sunglasses providing me some refuge. A few people looked at me as if they new, but it was obvious they dismissed the idea. They just kept walking which I was grateful for. Right now I just wanted to get home to my family. Anything to kill this empty void inside myself. Why didn’t I call her? Why didn’t I visit her? Why didn’t I do something...anything?
"Josh..." My little brother’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. They were here. They were all here. One by one I wrapped them each in a hug, clinging to each of them. I needed them to make me feel whole again. My father took my bag as we began to walk to the car. I saw the look on Tyler’s face...he knew.
"I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick, Sara. If you see my brother grab him. The big goof will walk around all day looking for us." She giggled as I made my way towards the bathroom. I walked past a row of chairs, stepping aside to let a lady with two young children pass. When I glanced up my heart nearly popped out of my chest. "Was that...no..no Faith. Don’t do this to yourself," I whispered, silently scolding myself. At this rate I was going to drive myself crazy. I practically ran towards the bathroom in my hurry to get away. What was wrong with me? I was going to have to deal with this sooner or later. I wanted to see him so bad, but I was scared. Since I had lost Josh I had completely blocked myself off. Tyler still called me every week, and he even mentioned moving down to Orlando to be close to Josh while he was in college. It might seem stupid, but that’s the same reason I did it too. I never saw him and he had no idea that I was there, but at least I knew that I was always close.
As I came out of the bathroom my eyes slowly drifted to the place I thought I had seen him. "BOOGERSHNUCKEMS!!!" I closed my eyes and giggled at the sound of my brother’s nickname for me. "Weener," I giggled as he wrapped me in a hug. "I found him," Sara giggled from behind. "I was instructed to take you straight home. Momma is about to go nuts," he said, taking our bags. "Sounds like Momma," I replied as the three of us exited the airport and headed for home.
As the car pulled into the driveway my eyes fell on the house before me. It would always be home. Something about this place brought me an overwhelming sense of peace. Everyone inside that home loved me, and they loved me for the person I was...not the celebrity I had become. I slipped out of the seat, my eyes landing on the familiar second story window on the house next door.
I chuckled as I remembered the way we used to sit on the roof outside our windows, looking at each other as we talked on the phone. Anything to be as close to each other as possible. "Josh..." Tyler’s words once again brought me out of my trance. "You miss her don’t you?" His question was simple, yet at the same time it overwhelmed me. I wasn’t sure if just missing her covered it. "More then you’ll ever know." It was an honest reply. I could never explain just how much I truly did miss her. He nodded his head, a smile finding his lips. "She’s coming."
There it was. The answer I had been waiting for. First I had been nervous because I thought she wouldn’t come, but now that I knew she was coming I was nervous again. What was I going to say to her? How was she going to accept me? I felt Tyler’s hand on my shoulder, bringing me out of my frantic thoughts. "She asks about you a lot," he whispered.
"You talk to her?" Why in the world was I so shocked? She and Tyler had been like brother and sister. All I knew about her life recently was that she had moved away, but Tyler was still talking to her. "I call her every week," he answered, leaning against the car, "she lives in Orlando." A smile found his lips, probably from the shocked look that I knew captivated my entire face. That was her on the airplane. I had a hundred questions to ask about her, and he knew it...yet he simply turned around and walked inside the house.
I ran around the room, frantically pulling clothes from my suitcase. He was here. I had seen him an hour earlier, staring out his bedroom window. That meant he would be at the party. I was finally going to see him again, and at some point I was probably going to have to talk to him. "The blue one." I jumped, placing a hand over my heart. "Sara, you scared me half to death, girl." I took a deep breath as I grabbed for the light blue sweater she held for me to take.
I slipped it on quickly over my white MMC T-shirt. Whenever I was nervous I always put that shirt on. JC had given it to me, and I still had it. "I see you’re wearing the T-shirt," Sara smiled as I nodded my head. "If there was ever a night I’m gonna need to be comfortable...it is definitely tonight," I giggled as she pulled me closer to inspect the writing on it. "Before you ask...yes, he autographed it. He said it would be worth money one day." She laughed, shaking her head at me.
"Sara, do you think he’s going to want to see me?" She took a deep breath before a smile began to tug at her lips. "Faith, he would be a fool if he didn’t." She stood up, giving me one of those supportive best friend hugs. I really needed that, and as always...she knew it. "Your mom says people will be arriving in about ten minutes. You ready?" I nodded my head, taking another look out the window. Ten minutes.
I slowly made my way towards the steps as my mom rang the doorbell. This was it. Faith always answered the door. Everyone always said the best way to start a Christmas party was with a big smile and a chipper little giggle. From the time she was five years old she had been the official greeter. I smiled to myself as I remembered her smile. Slowly the door opened as my breath caught in my throat. There she was.
"Merry Christmas," she chirped happily as my parents wrapped her in a hug. She was just like their daughter..always had been. She spent more time at my house then she did at home when we were growing up.
My mom still asked me all the time if I had talked to her. Everytime my heart grew heavier when I had to tell her no. I made my way up the steps as my father released her from a hug. My sister followed, embracing her in a sisterly hug before Faith’s eyes landed on Tyler. It almost seemed like she was avoiding my eyes totally.
"It’s been too long, little man...WAY too long." I couldn’t help but smile as the two of them embarassed each other in one of the tightest hugs I had seen them give each other since Tyler got the chicken pox and missed a week of school. "You’re lookin’ mighty studly," she joked as she sized him up. "Oh shut up," he joked as he wrapped her in another hug, "God, I’ve missed you."
I watched her close her eyes, relishing in his embrace. I was jealous. I couldn’t believe I was jealous of my little brother, but I was jealous. I wanted her in my arms. "I’ve missed you too," she whispered, her eyes opening. My heartbeat quickened, she was looking at me. We locked gazes for a moment, years of loneliness blending into one as we looked at each other. Then as quickly as she looked, her eyes closed again. It was going to be a hard night.
I stepped into the den, my eyes catching the dancing flames burning in the fireplace. The party was still going on, but I really wasn’t in the mood for a party. He was here, and seeing him had done wonders for me. Yet somehow it also nailed home the fact that I wasn’t any closer to him then I was in Orlando. I sat down on the couch, losing myself in the glow of the fire as the first of many tears found their way down my cheeks.
I’m not sure how long I sat there...time just drifted. The events of my life with JC replayed in my head. We took the bad with the good...the bad things pulling us closer together. I closed my eyes, another set of warm tears cascading down my cheeks, as I remembered the night we said goodbye.
It was only supposed to be temporary...he just had to get things running smoothly...I could visit...we could talk on the phone...write letters and emails. It was all supposed to work, but somehow it didn’t. Visits got postponed indefinitely...phone calls became shorter and less and less frequent...letters and emails became nonexistent....and pretty soon it all fell apart. It all whizzed through my head as I slowly drifted off to sleep.
"Faith..." I felt the light shaking of my arm as my eyes slowly opened...focusing on Sara standing over me. "Are you ok," she asked, noticing the two tears that still lingered on my cheeks. I heard the soft music of the piano as it drifted through my ears, and I knew of only one person that could play like that. "Sara, is that..." My words drifted off, my questions were answered as his angelic voice sang along with the music.
Slowly I stood from my place on the couch, wiping the tears from my cheeks. I followed Sara, stopping behind her where she watched from the doorway. She looked at me, smiling at the intent way I stared at him. "Isn’t it beautiful," she whispered as I slowly nodded my head in reply. "He’s beautiful."
I don’t know what made me do it, but the words to that song were like a dagger straight to my heart. I slowly stepped towards him, turning back to Sara. She smiled, ushering me forward, before turning and quietly making her way back to the party. He looked up, his eyes locking with mine again. He scooted over, offering the place on the bench beside him. As I sat down, his words once again filled my ears...touching me in ways that I hadn’t allowed in so long.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. I loved him and I was tired of sitting by and being without him. His fingers lingered over the keys, but he didn’t move to continue playing. He was battling with his emotions just as I was. "Faith..." It had been way too long since I had heard him whisper my name, but the same tingles coursed through my body. His next words immediately brought tears to my eyes. "I miss you." In a matter of moments his fingers once again found the keys, his soft voice filling my ears once again as he sang this song straight to me.
I reached over, taking his hand off the keys. Any other time I would never want him to stop, but I wasn’t about to lose my nerve. I slowly reached up, cradling his face delicately in my hands. Two tears slipped from my eyes as I leaned forward, my lips slowly inching towards his. "You’ve always had my heart," I whispered as I pulled him closer, eliminating the space between us.
The second our lips met the longing we had both felt for each other released. I missed him...I needed him...I loved him. I slipped my hands up into his hair, gently rubbing my fingertips against the tiny hairs at the nape of his neck....just the way I used to. His arms held a comfort that no other could provide. He was like home to me.
I slid my hand down her cheek as I pulled back, wiping away a stray tear. I didn’t know what to say...no words would form. I just knew that for the first time in a very long time things felt right. I had missed her for so long...needed her more then ever...and loving her was as familiar as breathing to me. She was everything I needed and more.
The clock began to chime behind me as I gazed at her, signaling the stroke of midnight. "Merry Christmas," she whispered, her eyes never leaving mine for a second. "Merry Christmas," I whispered, pulling her into my arms again. The clock chimed it’s final time as our lips met once again. Finally, neither of us were alone.
