Where In The World Is Christopher Kirkpatrick?
Has anybody seen Chris? I mean, seriously. Has anyone SEEN him in the last few months? Because frankly, I (BexXx) think he's missing in action just about as bad as Julie is...and I miss both of them terribly!
Chris has been missing for a while now. He's either
holed up in his house, eating nachos and drinking beer...or he's locked up in
someone's closet with tape over his mouth to silence the infernal singing of
"The Song that Never Ends".
The last time Chris was seen, was by our friend Katie at
approximately 3:00pm on June 23rd, 2003 in Orlando, Florida, and then once
again at Challenge for the Children in Miami in July of 2003.
This means he was still kickin' at the beginning
of the summer...but after that, we have no recorded Chris sightings
whatsoever...so, for all we know...he's living at a bus stop in Boise, begging
change for double cheeseburgers off the dollar menu at the McDonald's next
door.
My theory is this...Chris has been doing absolutely NOTHING
for so long, he's starting to smell bad. You know how when swamp water
sits in one place for years and years it becomes stagnant? I think
that's what's happened to Chris...I think he's become stagnant. He
probably smells like old socks now, and no one will even go to his house to
check on him because of the stench eminating from inside.
I think I speak for the rest of the Jaded Ladies when I say
that if Chris doesn't show up somewhere pretty soon, we're going to go on a
manhunt. Even if it means putting on gas-masks and protective
clothing...we're going to FIND him, dammit!
Thinking about it...maybe Chris and Julie are in the same
place! Maybe they're BOTH tied up in someone's closet...I can see Julie
singing "The song that Never Ends" with him...Dammit Chris, pull a
MacGyver and bust you and Julie outta there! I'll send you a paperclip,
a balloon and a Don Ho album!
Liv makes a good point...let's say Chris and Julie HAVEN'T
been kidnapped, and they're just living together in stagnant solitude...Chris
isn't making any money right now off Nsync, so where is he getting the money
for their beer and nachos?
I'VE GOT IT! He's running a phone sex ring out of his
house and Julie and him are the operators! They're getting 9.99 for the
first minute and 1.50 each additional minute to talk dirty to lonely pop stars
on the road! I've talked to Julie on the phone before, she'd be PERFECT
for this!
Now it's either that, or they're collecting Food Stamps.
But see...that kind of falls through because you can't buy beer with Food
Stamps...but you can buy nachos...so maybe he buys his beer with the money he
makes whoring Julie out to Justin...I'm pretty sure Julie wouldn't mind
that...so I'm comfortable guessing that might be what's happening.
These theories works out perfectly, because this means
they're getting an income...so now that we have that established, we can go on
to how Chris gets to the store to GET his beer and nachos...
It's simple really...he shops online! Most stores
have a way to do your shopping online now...so Chris just hops onto his laptop
and orders all the beer and nachos his little heart desires!
