(A.N. Done to the tune of the Crystals, "Then He Kissed Me"...I’m sorry, but I’ve got to write this! I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get started on this, but here goes!)

Well he walked up to me
And he asked me if I wanted some crack
He looked kind of high
And so I said, "I’m clean, that’s a fact"
While he smoked he held me close
Didn’t care if his teeth were gross
And then he took me to his house
And then he beat me

Each time I saw him
I cooked him up a sensuous feast
I wanted to let him know that he was my Cheetah Beast
I didn’t know what else to say
So I cried to his dismay
And he said, "Babe, let’s go and play"
And then he beat me

He beat me in a way
No one’s ever been beat before
He beat me in a way
Aspirin just can’t cure the hangover

I knew that he was mine
So I gave him all the love of his dreams
And one day he did my room with a fantastic jungle theme
And then he asked me to be his wife
And to be his for all his life
I felt so happy I jumped with glee
And then he beat me

(instrumental break, complete with a creaking bed, panting, and sounds of a cracking whip)

And I don’t know what else to say
So I became Mrs. Chasez
He makes me happy all through the day
At night he beats me
At night he beats me
At night he beats me...