I, MEL, of RIDGELAND, MS, being of sound mind and body do hereby issue against JAMES LANCE BASS, of BRANDON, MS, an alcohol consumption competition.
In the event that Mister Bass accepts the challenge, it may commence at any of the following, as stated by Mel:
THE DOCK
287 Dyke Rd.
Ridgeland, MS
THE FORUM
6107 Ridgewood Rd.
Jackson, MS
CRAZY 8
6016 I-55 S.
Jackson, MS
In the event that the competition cannot be carried out at any of the aforementioned locales, the consumption challenge may take place at JACK AND JILL'S as a last resort.
The challenge may only consist of hard liquor and may NOT be mixed with other dillutants. (eg: daiquiris, margaritas, jack and cokes, cranberry vodkas) Accessories, such as umbrellas, fruit pieces, and other garnishes are also prohibited.
Participants MAY drink minute amounts of Kool-Aid after each drink, and at the end of each round to extinguish the fire in the throat. Persons in charge of Kool-Aid consumed by contestants during the challenge are Rebecca and Christopher Allan Kirkpatrick.
Floor underneath contestants will be examined. Spilled drinks will be considered violations, measured and subtracted from the contestants' current amount consumed. The aforementioned floor will be examined by judges Tabitha and Justin Randall Timberlake simultaneously, and as fairly as possible given the limits of their attention spans while in such close quarters.
Olivia and Joshua Scott Chasez will be in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages (eg: Kool-Aid) to the quarantined spectators, including but not limited to: Allison, Wade Jeremy Robson, *Lucky, etc. In the event that Ms. Olivia and Mr. Chasez are not visible from direct sight at the aforementioned Kool-Aid booth, spectators are strictly forbidden to attempt at making them visible. (eg: leaning over the counter to check the floor)
Dogs and other pets/farm animals, or associates capable of consuming beverages (eg: Joseph Anthony Fatone) will not be permitted/asked to leave the premises during contest hours.
In the event MEL is the victor, JAMES LANCE BASS must wear a specially made "I <3 Joey!" shirt if and when he is selected for his intended space mission. He must give Mel a piggy back ride to any area of her choosing, while uttering some phrase of stupidity, to be determined at a later time. Also, additional beds must be provided on Master Bass' tour bus, removing both Joseph and Steven Fatone if necessary, to accommodate Mel and anyone she chooses to accompany her, including but not limited to: *Lucky, Allison, and Julie but excluding Olivia, Tabitha, and Rebecca, as they will have previously arranged for their own accommodations upon the bus of the aforementioned (Joshua, Justin, and Chris).
In the event JAMES LANCE BASS is the victor, MEL must have a headstone with epitaph made for Toby, since one has not yet been arranged by Mister Bass. She must praise his acting abilities, comparing him to Deniro, Pacino, Pitt and even Big Bird, and buy him Krispy Kreme Doughnuts every week for a year. In addition, Mel must also go around telling everybody that Bobbie was the real horse and the best *NSYNC girlfriend. She is required to neigh or include phrases such as "NEIGH BABY!" while doing the aforementioned.
In the event of a tie, since by then the alcohol levels will be so high, MEL and JAMES LANCE BASS may choose one of the following options: 1) Lock themselves in the janitors closet and mingle or... 2) Pass out drunk together, in which case Mel's coeditors and Mister Bass' bandmates can get them partially nude and place them in bed. They will also place rings on their fingers and get a fake certificate of marriage, leading them to believe they got married. The pictures and marriage certificate will also be posted on *NSYNC Jaded Everybody's Free for all to share in their happiness.
The alcohol consumption competition will be video recorded by one Steven Anthony Fatone, and assisted by Julie to ensure that MEL and JAMES LANCE BASS fulfill the clauses of their arrangement, as well as provide appropriate blackmail footage and humor material for use exclusively by the staff at *NSYNC Jaded Everybody's Free.
Should Master Bass refuse to accept said challenge, he must henceforth refer to himself in the third person for all television, radio, and magazine interviews; as well as engage in random phone sex with the parents of his 8-12 year old fan base for the duration of his time with *NSYNC or until Mistress Mel gets bored with said activity.
A definite response is required within 7 business days upon receiving this statement. Please review the conditions of this alcohol consumption challenge carefully. Fill out the attached form and send it to:
Mel's Alcohol Consumption Competition
c/o *NSYNC Jaded Everybody's Free
1644 Tequila Trail
Ridgeland, MS 39157
I, JAMES LANCE BASS, of BRANDON, MS, being of sound mind and body do hereby (accept/deny) __________ the challenge issued by MEL, of RIDGELAND, MS, to an alcohol consumption competition.
If Challenge is accepted:
The challenge may commence at (first choice) __________. In the event that this locale is not available, the others have been listed in order of preference until an exact place is secured: ______________________________.
The earliest possible date available to participate in this challenge is __________. Should that conflict with Mel's schedule, or the calendars of the aforementioned in the statement, other "free" dates are also listed: ____________________.
I also hereby agree to the terms and conditions as outlined in the statement issued.
X ____________________
Date __________________
If Challenge is denied:
The terms of this statement must still be carried out, as drafted by Mel and her associates Liv and Tabz.
X ____________________
Date __________________
