Jason: Not mine...hey Lars, are these cookies supposed to be black?
Lars: Jason, shut up. [takes box from James, goes to decorate tree in the front room]
Kirk: Where’s the wrapping paper?
James: Why the fuck do you need wrapping paper?
Kirk: Dumbass, to wrap NSync’s presents with.
James: I can’t believe they’re going to be within 10 feet of me! Man, that’s hell on earth.
Lars: James, you’re such a party-pooper...
**Meanwhile, inside the car**
JC: Hey Chris, I think you were supposed to take a left back at the 7-11.
Chris: Trust me, I know what I’m doing. You always turn right at 7-11’s.
Lance: [rocking back and forth, seeming to be in some other world] I’m too young to die, I’m too young to die, I’m too young to...
Justin: Lance...SHUT UP yo!
Lance: I’m too young to die, I’m too young to die...
Joey: What the hell is wrong with Lance?
Chris: He thinks he’s gonna die.
Justin: [irratated] No shit yo.
Lance: James Hetfield...big...scary... [breaks into sobs] I’m too young to die!
JC: Hey buddy, it’s okay. He’s not gonna hurt you. I bet James is just a big teddy bear.
Lance: [Lance leans on JC, blows his nose on JC’s sleeve]
Chris: Look, there’s the house!
Lance: NOOOOOOO! I DON’T WANNA DIE, I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!
**Inside the house**
Jason: Look! They’re here!
Kirk: Oh boy!
James: I think I just came down with malaria. I’m going to my room.
Lars: C’mon James, it won’t be that bad. It’ll be fun. Maybe we can turn ‘em into metal heads.
James: [mumbles profanities under his breath]
Jason: Is the one with STD’s gonna be here? I don’t wanna get STD’s.
Lars: Ewww, which one has STD’s?
**Outside on the porch**
Chris: [knocks on the door]
Lance: [drooling and trembling uncontrollably]
Jason: [opens door] Hey guys. C’mon in...
NSync: Hi! Merry Christmas! [walks inside]
Lance: [lets out another sob]
Kirk: Is he always like that?
Lars: [poking Lance] You must be the one with STD’s.
Chris: Hey punk! Leave him alone!
Lars: Who you callin' a punk?
Chris: You!
Lars: Oh yeah?!
Chris: YEAH! Wanna piece of me?
Lars: Let’s go! [throws a punch, Chris dodges, Lars hits Lance instead, who then pees his pants]
Joey: [tries to break it up but only gets knocked in the head by Lars, Justin and JC jump on Lars and beat the shit out of him, the remaining members of Metallica watch and try not to laugh]
**Later at the dinner table, after the fight**
Lance is still rocking and drooling, JC has a black eye, Justin is missing a tooth, James looks like he’s ready to kill the next NSync-er that moves, Lars appears to be uninjured...well, almost.
Kirk: Well, now that we are all settled down, let’s eat.
Lars: [seems to be suffering from brain damage] Mmmm, food...food good. Lars like food. Eat, yummy.
Justin: [mumbling in Lars’s direction] Fuckin' Danish prick.
James: Watch it dickhead. [smacks Justin]
Joey: That’s my dad’s name...well not really, that’s just what everyone called him. Yup, my dad, good ‘ol Dickhead.
Jason: You’re proud of that? Joey: Well...yeah...
Jason: [whispers] Hey, can I ask you a question?
Joey: Sure.
Jason: [still whispering] You seem to be the only normal one, so I know it’s not you...but which one of you has STD’s?
Joey: [blushing] STD’s? What STD’s? Nice weather today...
Lance: Hehehehehehehe! [singing] Joey has STD’s, Joey has STD’s...!
Kirk & Jason: Ewwwwwww!!
Lars: [in his own world, singing way off key] Exit light, enter night...
Justin: [joining in] Take mah head...
Lance: [bangs his head and starts singing] We’re off to never never land!
James: [snaps, can’t stand having his drummer and NSync butcher his song...his “Enter Sandman." Picks Lance up by the collar, ready to beat the living crud monkies out of him]
Lance: [pees his pants, drools on James’s arm]
James: [roars and drops Lance, panicing he runs to wash off the Lance-slime] I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, the Lance-slime is going to seep through my skin...!
Lance: [curls up into fetal position, trembles violently]
Kirk: Hmmm...that went well. Who wants to open presents?
Jason & JC: I do! I do! [together they skip into the living room, Kirk and Chris follow]
Lars: [singing] Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas pee...
Lance: Christmas pee? Hehehe. CHRISTMAS PEE! CHRISTMAS PEE!
Lars & Lance: [enjoying their joke, chant (rather loudly)] CHRISTMAS PEE, CHRISTMAS PEE!
James: [on the phone with poison control] ...so I’m not going to die? Okay...okay...
Jason: [on his hands and knees under the Christmas tree, passing out presents] JC, this one is for you...Chris, this one’s for you...
Chris: Oh boy! What is it?! What is it?!
Jason: [peering out from under the tree] If you open it, you will find out.
Chris: Ohhhhh yeah! You’re a smart one Jason.
Jason: [blushing]
James: [walks in the room, pale and trembling] I think I’m getting a rash, right where the Lance-Slime hit. [everyone ignored his comment]
Joey and Justin come in. The sound of Lance and Lars chanting "CHRISTMAS PEE" could still be heard echoing through the house.
Jason: [gives Joey and Justin their gifts]
Joey: [begins shaking it next to his ear] I know what it is!
Justin: Yo, what it be bro?
Joey: It's a Barrel of Monkeys!
Kirk: Do STD’s affect your mind? [everyone shrugged, the NSync-ers tear open their presents]
JC: Wow!
Chris: Neato!
Joey: I always wanted these!
Justin: [the only one who isn't excited] Pink socks with daises? And matching gloves?
Jason: Lars picked ‘em out. I wanted to buy the blue ones with kitty-cats, but NOOO. Lars had to have it HIS way. HE wanted the PINK ones...stupid, arrogant, son-of-a...
Joey: It’s okay, I like pink. Thanks you guys. [goes to give a thank-you hug to James]
James: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH! DO NOT TOUCH ME! I’m already dying of Lance disease, I don’t need STD’s too! [storms out of the room, Joey tries to hug Kirk and got a similar response, so he doesn’t even bother trying to hug Jason]
Lance: [rushes in the room, rather upset] Lars stopped singing! [breaks into sobs and falls to the floor in fetal position, in the process knocking down the Christmas tree, burying Joey]
Kirk: Get the tree off of Joey!!
Jason: Why? [doesn’t see what's wrong with leaving the NSync-er trapped under the tree]
Kirk: He’ll give it STD’s!!
Jason: Trees can get those?
JC: [goes to comfort the trembling heap on the floor] Lance it’s okay, these things happen.
Lance: Why me? Why me? Why me? [trembles even more violently]
JC: I’ll tell you what, when we get back to the hotel I’ll sing with you all night long.
Lance: [stops trembling] You will?
JC: That’s what I said.
Lance: The Christmas pee song?
JC: Yes, even the Christmas pee song.
Lance: [throws his arms around JC, drooling] You’re the bestest friend I ever had.
JC: [looks around helplessly wishing James were still in the room, he’d be the only one strong enough to pull the drooling mass off of him.
Jason: [seeing JC’s desperate situation] Uh, Lance...here, you haven’t opened your present.
Lance: Present?
Justin: [still mumbling] Pink socks, pink gloves...
Lance: [tearing into his package, finds a set of blue socks and gloves with kitty-cats on them]
Jason: [chuckles] Victory.
Lars: [lets out a battle-cry from the doorway, flies at Jason, pounding the poor confused bass player]
Lance: [realizes that the little Danish Drummer may be as dangerous as James, Lars doesn’t stop beating Jason until Joey threatens to hug him]
Lars: [sinks into the corner of the room] Pink...pink ones...Lars like pink ones...little pink ones...with daisies...
Jason: [breaking into tears] I just wanted the blue ones! I didn’t mean anything by it.
Kirk: [putting an arm around the bass-player] It’s okay Jase, we still love ya.
Justin: [stands up] Wow, it’s getting late. We should head back to the hotel.
Jason: [looks up, tears running down his cheeks] But you haven’t had dessert yet.
Lance: Dessert?!?! [disappears into the kitchen]
Kirk: [screams, running out of the room]HE’S GONNA DROOL ALL OVER MY PIE! NOOOOOO!
**A little while later**
Justin: Thanks for dinner and the gifts. [shakes Jason’s, Kirk’s and Lars’s hands. James was still in his room]
Lance tried to speak, but after the incident with Kirk’s pie, he decided that it was best he didn’t. He wasn’t interested in witnessing the wrath of the little Filipino again. So he just drooled some more. Joey wanted to give the ‘Tallica guys good-bye hugs, but he thought they’d get upset if he did. He didn’t understand why everyone was so uptight about his hugs. It wasn’t his fault he had STD’s. Without thinking, he threw his arms around Kirk. Kirk wailed, then fainted. Justin grabbed the now crying Joey and led him to the car. Chris and JC said goodbye. Lance trembled and drooled.
Justin started the car and drove off, leaving poor Lance on the porch. Jason closed the door and Lance looked around. Realizing he was alone, he wondered what to do. So for something new, he drooled and trembled, then he began wailing "CHRISTMAS PEE! CHRISTMAS PEE!!"
JC: [realizing he didn’t have a drooling mass clinging to him] We left Lance!
Justin: I suppose you want me to go back and get him?
JC: Yes! The poor guy can’t fend for himself, he’s gone 12 hours without medication.
Justin: I guess we should go get him. [turns the car around]
Lance: [watches the car come back and happily jumps inside, wiping the silivia from his mouth] Hey Guys, I had fun...can we go again next year?
**The Next Morning**
James: [comes down stairs, shaken but glad he was still alive]
Jason: Ohhhh! Look! James is up!
Kirk: [handing James a rectangular package]Here, NSync left us presents. We thought we’d wait until you were here to open them.
James: [tears open his present] How...how sweet??
Jason: We all got NSync CD’s?
Kirk: Those cheap little dicks.
Lars: [still suffering from brain damage] Little dicks, hehehehehehe, little dicks.
James: TARGET PRACTICE! [runs off to his gun safe, followed by Jason and Kirk]
Lars: [just sits on the couch, saying over and over again] Little dicks, hehehehe, little dicks.
