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Issue 9 ~ Page 2

The Celebrity Reviews!

Wassup peeps?  BexXx here!  Mel and I both took the time to do a track by track review of the new album...we're both going to put our reviews in this issue because, well...they're VERY different.  (Let's just say one of us wasn't too thrilled with it.)

We'll be comin back atcha with our usual brand of humor, as well as some different stuff than we usually include.  Hope you enjoy this!  And as always, please feel free to email either of us!  BexXx  or  Mel.

And if you want the straight up humor, come visit us on our website!  Olivia, Tabz, *Lucky, Alli, Julie, Mel and Myself would love to have you check it out!
Nsync Jaded Everybody's Free!

Enjoy the reviews!!!

~*~BexXx~*~



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Who Let Tha BexXx Out?

Aiight...so it's out...I'm sitting here listening to Celebrity.  I decided that since I'm in such a giddy mood...("I feel like painting Justin's name across my forehead and screaming at cars on the freeway!" ~ *LOL Alli!*)  I would sit down and write a review of the new album.

So...if you care at ALL...here's what BexXx thinks about that...


[Track One] ~ Pop ~  
What can I say?  It's the "Bye, Bye, Bye" of Celebrity!  Trust me folks, in the next month or so...we're all going to grow VERY sick of this song...The only props I have to give the guys on this one is that they ended it with BEATBOXING!  Which only aids to my intention of locking Justin in my closet and making him beat-box for me 24 hours a day.


[Track Two] ~ Celebrity ~
Am I the only one, or does this song make anyone else incredibly SAD?  Well, atleast we know their calcium levels are up to par...and I QUOTE, "If I didn't have cheese, like, everyday..."  Seriously though, it makes me sad that they felt like this at any point in time...oh well, I guess it had to be said, right?


[Track Three] ~ The Game Is Over ~
Don't get me wrong, I love the song...but I can't get this image of Justin and JC dressed as Mario and Luigi out of my head...*Smacks self*  Or maybe Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man, respectively...*Winks at Jesi*


[Track Four] ~ Girlfriend ~
JOEY SPEAKS!  (I think that's him, anyway...)  This song is sweet, and yet terribly insulting at the same time!  "Does the man even know you're alive?"  Yeah, guys!  That's the way to get her to pay attention to you!   And what's this?  Did I hear JC utter the word "Damn"?  Are our little men growing up?  *Sniffle*  It happens so fast!

[Track Five] ~ The Two Of Us ~
I will NEVER be able to listen to this song without seeing Liv doing the finger thing they did in concert...It's definitely one of my favorites...seeing as how I was trying to sing it in our hotel room and had NO idea what the words were...("Da da da da da da...Just the two of us!  The two of us!")  I wonder who rode a carousel before writing this...*looks it up*  Ahh...JC...that makes sense...


[Track Six] ~ Gone ~
Well, I'm finally past my problem...see, the first time I heard this song was at the concert in Detroit with Liv...and I BAWLED like a baby.  I can finally listen to it without crying...so that's a step in the right direction.  It's a beautiful song, and it's even more beautiful if you picture Justin humping the air toward the end...


[Track Seven] ~ Tell Me, Tell Me...Baby ~
*Looking at the title and scratching her head*  Is there a reason for those three dots?  I mean, do you pronounce this, "Tell me, Tell me *Dramatic pause* Baby."?  And it cracks me up, because listening to it, I SWEAR they're saying "Tell me, Tell me, BANG BANG!"

[Track Eight] ~ Up Against The Wall ~
FINALLY!  Another song to show the freak side of JC!  He told us that Digital Getdown was about a chatroom...what's he gonna say this one is about?  Darts?  *Smiles and nods*  Sure JC, riiiiiight!

[Track Nine] ~ See Right Through You ~
Who peed in THEIR bunks?  Damn...like 75% of this entire album is about people doin' them wrong!  I'm LOVING the "Nsync gets hard" *snicker* vibe we've got going on this album though..."I'm `bout to get pissed off!"  Get down wit yer bad selves, boys!

[Track Ten] ~ Selfish ~
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  Something about the line "You can call me hopeless...I'm hopelessly in love." DOES something to me!  Even in concert, when they sang no more than like...a minute of this song, I thought it was beautiful.  I have absolutely nothing to make fun of this song for...*hangs head*  I have failed as a humor writer...

[Track Eleven] ~ Just Don't Tell Me That ~
Hopefully, I'm not the only one hearing this song scream out "BOBBIE, YOU WHORSE!  GET OUT OF MY LIFE!"   Okay, maybe not...but dammit, I can hope!  I can't stand Britney as a person, but if she makes Justin happy...fine by me...but BOBBIE?  Ugh...I wanna take every single one of her shitty "Women's issues" articles and shove them up her...*coughs*  Nevermind, I'm okay now.


[Track Twelve] ~ Something Like You ~
*Tears up*  Soooooooo beautiful!   Justin wrote this song about ME!  No, really!  Ask Alli!  

[Track Thirteen] ~ Do Your Thing ~
My neighbor, Diane says that in an interview, JC said that the last track on the album sounded like a church hymn...Well, I'm listening to the song now...and I'm wondering what kind of church JC goes to...It's a cool sounding song, but being who I am...I like to take things literally, and I wonder...how does one go about losing ones feet?  And the rap in the middle of it...who IS that?  And what the hell are they saying?  Did I just hear him say "Gotta HUMP"???

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Mel's Corner

The year: 2000.  The group:  *NSYNC.  The album:  "No Strings Attached."  Who can forget the record-breaking first week sales?  (We know the Backstreet Boys won't.)  Ever since NSA's release, there has been anxious anticipation of a new album from our sickeningly cute, (sometimes) fashion-sensed, and vocally gifted quintet.  Well, Pandora's Box has been opened, the bulls have been let out of the gate, and all hell has broken loose.  No, NSYNC hasn't fled the country in attempt to find meaning in a Willa Ford song.  The new album, "Celebrity",  is here.  So that means we get to gush over some amazing new material!!!!  ....Or do we?

Here forward lies my brutally honest review.  Note it probably will not be very humorous.  And I will most likely leave many of you dumbfounded.  My friend summed up my review as "a little harsh", but not all reviews can be flowery and sugar-coated.  Consider yourself warned.  So, if you want a VERY honest opinion of this album, read on.  Otherwise scroll down to the next feature.

Track 1 - Pop
Ahhh, the signature single.  Justin and JC so proudly defend pop's stance in the musical world.  Justin and Wade wrote this song.  You can tell it.  This song sounds more like a persuasive essay you write in 7th grade.  Duh guys, you don't HAVE to go into great detail to (most of) your fans about why pop is here to stay. They like your music regardless.  You could sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and everyone would go ga-ga over it.  And to those who hate you and your music, this song does nothing but piss them off.  It's like you're the Pilgrims on a crusade to convert the Indians to Christianity or something. You don't have to defend your precious pop genre.  Really, you don't.  'Cause it's likely that no one gives a shit about your pop platform.  Those who like you, like you.  Those who don't, don't.  On a positive note, this song does have a good hook.  The chorus is very catchy and upbeat, so I will give them credit where credit is due.

Track 2 - Celebrity
Oh man.  Where do I even START with this track.  Basically it's a bunch of bitching and moaning about it being difficult to identify who is genuine if you're really famous.  I sum this song up in four words:  GIVE ME A BREAK.  I mean, boo freakin hoo.  I'm so sure they were thinking about how difficult life would be when they were signing those first contracts.  Yeah man, it must really SUCK ASS to have money coming out of every orifice of your body.  Call me heartless, but I feel no sympathy at all.  They chose the road they're on now.  If they didn't like what they were doing, they could have stopped at any time.  There are prices you pay when you are a celebrity.  You can't have it both ways.  Gee NSYNC, would you like some CHEESE with that WHINE?  Don't EVEN start griping about your lack of trust in people.  The only people I feel sorry for are their families and girlfriends.  THEY are the ones who had no choice in the matter.  And to answer your question:  No, I wouldn't be "into" you if you weren't a celebrity.  You know why?  Because I wouldn't know you even existed.  Oh yeah, I see Justin and Wade wrote this song too.  I think I am spotting a trend.  What's up with Wade writing?  Has he joined NSYNC too?  (That'd make them ENSYNC)  Yo, Mr. Jell-O body, how about letting some of the actual members of the group pen a few songs?  You just stick to your dancing.  'Cause your dancing is a hell of a lot better than your writing skills.

Track 3 - The Game Is Over
Decent lyrics, decent melody.  However, there is too much studio magic to suit my taste.  In short, it metaphorically compares a bad relationship to a video game.  Very inventive concept.  And of course, JC wrote the song.  I tend to prefer his writing style.  I think JC has experienced some kind of major love trauma.  You can't write these kind of songs without actually going through some kind  of distressing relationship.  Poor guy.

Track 4 - Girlfriend
This song is incredibly generic.  There is no originality to it whatsoever.  Listen to it closely and you will hear a total of FOUR different keyboard tracks.  Bass, rhythm, guitar, and some electronic crap on the chorus.  A twelve year old could figure out the programming of this song on a basic sequencing keyboard.  Sounds like something BSB, LFO, OTown or 98 Degrees would record.  The synthesized rhythmic patterns and guitar riffs are as fake as Carmen Electra's chest.  The lyrics are undeniably dull and uninspired. The melody is incredibly monotone and unvaried.  It's pure filler and nothing more.  Crappy quality filler at that.   The ONLY good things about this song are the harmonies.

Track 5 - The Two Of Us
The beginning of this song reminds me of the carnival or the circus.   The melody is cutesy.  The lyrics are dainty.  "When you get a minute baby I was thinkin' we could hook up."  Gee, that's some kind of original.  And once again, too much freakin' studio magic and NOT ENOUGH of the other guys.  Man, I don't understand why they didn't just call this the "Justin and JC LP"  Despite my gripes with this song, it's one of the better ones on the album.

Track 6 - Gone
Shockingly enough, I really don't have much bad to say about this song.  The music is actually decent, the lyrics actually have substance and continuity.  My only complaint is the fact that Justin sings the entire song.  But it seems like Justin (and JC) took the reigns and ran with them on this album.  Someone needs to tell them that not only is there no "i" in NSYNC, there is no "WE" in NSYNC, either.  (Oh yeah, Justin and Wade wrote this song too.  Why am I not surprised?)


Track 7 - Tell Me, Tell Me... Baby
I think they should take this track and mix it with Britney's song to make it into "Tell Me, Tell Me...Baby One More Time."  Lame joke, sorry.  Anyway... this song has potential, I think.  Not in terms of actual musical quality, but in terms of the sound being tested and proven.  The sound of this song is nearly identical to many successful pop songs before this one.  I guess those Swedes know how to do it up right.  Oh yeah, I like JC's speaking part at the beginning.  Gives it a personal touch. 

Track 8 - Up Against the Wall
I like to call this song Digital Getdown version 2.0.  Seems like on every album, they must include at least one song that insinuates sex in some form or fashion.  Normally I wouldn't like this song (due to yet again, too much studio magic), but given its subject matter and overall "feel", it's satisfactory.  My favorite part is during the "and the disco ball came down" lyric.  If you notice, the bassist plays some licks in the traditional disco styling.  Way cool.

Track 9 - See Right Through You
Okay, who the hell pissed on YOUR corn flakes?  Somebody was really mad when they wrote this  (*cough*justinandwade*cough*)  I don't really care for this song lyrically.  However, I do find the "I'm bout to get pissed off" lyric to be pretty entertaining.  And I quite like the way JC says "Does he FREAK you the way that I do?"  But, in the words of my friend Melissa "Why doesn't he just go ahead and say FUCK?"  Gotta love Melissa. 

Track 10 - Selfish
I feel really sorry for Brian McKnight.  This song is a dud if I've ever heard one.  The lyrics are sweet, but almost too sweet.  It would have had potential provided they would have come up with a catchier tune.  Too bad he didn't get to play on "Gone" or "Something Like You"  Oh well, it's refreshing to hear someone actually playing the keyboards. 

Track 11 - Just Don't Tell Me That
Is it just me or does anyone else notice that this track and track 7 have almost identical beginnings?  See, I told you the Swedish formula was tested and proven!  I can pretty much duplicate my commentary for this track from track 7.  It's almost identical to "Tell Me, Tell Me... Baby."  I recognize the lyrics are different, but let's face it, these songs sound eerily similar. 

Track 12 - Something Like You
By far THE best song on this entire album.  This song is to "Celebrity" as "This I Promise You" was to "No Strings Attached."  I just think this song has less cheesiness attached to it.  Plus, STEVIE WONDER plays on it.  Wow... what an honor to have.  I love the lyrics to this song.  I know they may be predictable and lovey dovey, but it's still a good song.  Also, the harmonies are FABULOUS.

Track 13 - Do Your Thing
My second favorite song on this album.  I've been trying to figure out why, and I think I've reached a solution.  This song is a welcome departure from the "I love you, I hate you, screw off, screw me" songs that are found all over this album.  The lyrics are inspiring, the music is incredibly unique, and once again, the harmonies are wonderful.  I just don't care for the rap.  It just doesn't jive with the rest of the song.

VERDICT: 
This album is not nearly as good as No Strings Attached.  To me, it's basically the same album, but with worse lyrics and more bells, whistles and studio effects.  I don't dig it.  If you're into techno and dance, and you really like JC and Justin's voice, then you are most likely going to enjoy this album.  And man, I hope you do, because I don't.  I disliked the album so much I ended up giving my copy to my mother.  I wish I would have saved my money and bought the new joydrop album instead.   

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If you are a new subscriber, fret not!  We will be back with humor, pics, and more in our next issue.  Thanks for stickin' with us!

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