Lance showed up at my house at around 11:30 to pick me up in his PooFoo mobile, with pink fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror. For once I was wearing normal clothes and Lance was looking like a life size Doug like he does on the Disney Special...he doesn't really dress good. Hoppin' in Lance's car, he put in his Barbra Streisand CD and we were ready to go.
We got to the mall, parked and headed inside. Lance was amazed by all the "beautiful stores". All we saw were a discount makeup place, a wig store, Bath and Body Works, and Victoria's Secret. Ahem Ahem. I tried to explain to him that this wasn't a big mall with "beautiful stores" in it, in fact it's kinda ghetto, but he just wouldn't listen to me...I guess they don't have malls in Mississippi.
The first place Lance wanted to head to was Victoria's Secret. When I gave him a questioning look he tried to justify his strange behavior: "Joey...Ch, uh Jus...I mean TOPANGA!! Topanga wanted me to pick something up for her!!" I was just like "Ohhh....OK" and then we kept on shopping.
The next store we went to was Sam Goody. They had this big NSYNC poster in the window, so I was like "Kewl." But Lance didn't think it was "kewl"..."Oh my god, I can't believe they have that picture of me hanging up in the front of the store where EVERYBODY can see it...I looked sooooo washed out that day...everyone else looks nice, but could they pay any attention to me and MY opinions? Nooo. I TRIED to tell them that shirt just wasn't my color, but no one would listen. I need some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. *He now broke out loudly into siren sounding wails of "Respect" Aretha Franklin style*" I'm sure Lance would have went ON and ON and ON if he could, but I led him into the store because listening to him talk was getting kinda painful. In Sam Goody he bought 3 Broadway CD's, and that seemed to take his mind off his makeup.
After we got done in Sam Goody, Lance said that "all this shopping" was making him hungry, so we went to Wendy's. All Lance ordered was a salad; when I asked him why that was all he got he explained it to me. "Well, at concerts, some girls have been holding up signs that say 'Check out Lance's big southern booty!' And I don't want to have a big ol' butt...that's Joeys handle remember? *As I stared at him blankly he smiled and filled me in* Joey's got a big ol' butt what??? Yea yea Joey's got a big ol'... *Propping my eyebrows I immediately stuck my hand in his face and calmed his Justin impression*. I don't want to be fat." As Lance said this, he got tears in his eyes.
"Lance, it's ok. You don't have a big butt, and you're not fat," I said as I patted his arm reassuringly. "Really?!?!" he asked, his eyes lighting up. "Really." I said. "Wow NeEnE thank you so much!! You're such a sweetie; you're my new best friend."
"Ummm....thanx." I said. All I wanted to do was boost the kid's self esteem up a couple of notches, not be his best friend. After we were done eating, Lance said he wanted to check out the sales at Contempo, so we went. And guess what, he bought me a present!! Yup. Matching pink sweaters for me and him. Aren't I a lucky girl? C'mon guys, I know you're jealous. Anyway, after all the fun we had, I was kinda tired, so I asked Lance to take me home.
Back in the car he put on one of his new Broadway CD's and couldn't stop talking about all the fun we would have together now that we were best friends: spa days together, sleepovers, more shopping trips like the one we had had. Soon, we got to my house, which was good cuz I really couldn't take anymore of Lance's ramblings. As I went to get out of the car, he said "Call me, we'll do lunch!!!"
"Okay, Lance." I said. "Bye." I opened the car door and Lance stopped me. "Wait!!"
"What??" I asked. "I've been meaning to tell you this all day..." he replied. "That hair color is REALLY not flattering on you...if you want, next time we get together I could dye it for you!! I'm thinking maybe a light brown/dirty blonde, it'll go good with your complexion..." That was it. I couldn't take anymore of Lance. So I got out of the car, and before I closed the door I said "Hey Lance, ya know how before I told you that you didn't have a big butt?"
"Yeah...." he said. "Well you do!! Your ass is HUGE!! And those girls holding up the signs at the concerts, well that's me and Alison." With that, I slammed the car door and walked inside. Lance sat in front of my house for approximately an hour, mourning both his big southern booty and the loss of his best friend...no not me...Toby.
...:::Submission by NeEnE (aka Janine):::...
