Dear NSYNC, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my home, my pager, and my GalPal at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not a got 'em
You probably were all to busy with your touring or something
Sometimes I tour too, but the fans.. we ain’t got em
But anyways; fuck it, what's been up Chris? How’s your Busta?
I’m in a boygroup too, I’m bout to be an idol
If I have a rap part, guess what they gon call me They gon call me Spyder
I read about Joey’s paternity test I’m sorry
We had a guy quit our group cuz only skanky chicks would want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
Even if it’s one song on a soundtrack, I buy all your shit I can
I got a bunk full of your posters and your pictures man
I like that shit you did with Gloria too that shit was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this guys, hit me back,
Just to chat, about your fame, I’m a big fan
This is Dan

{Chorus}

Dear Guys, I have a bod like Justin, I cut my hair like Lance
Don’t be mad – I’m just trying to make a living and get some fans
No one even recognized me outside your concert
Justin I love you, but you coulda signed an autograph for Tommy
That's my favorite bandmate, he's twenty years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
With 50 teenies and you just said, "No."
That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fuckin idol
He grew a fro just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to
Remember when we opened for Britney - you said I’d be like you
My group was on track - see I’m just like you in a way
I look damn good in a beater;
My hairs not really even blonde either
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
Heard some pop you’ve heard it all, I put my No Strings CD on
Cause one day yeah I’ll make it big, but you guys help when I’m depressed
I even got a tattoo of NSYNC flames across my chest
Sometimes I even try to learn your choreography
It's like adrenaline, dancing along to “It’s Gonna Be Me”
See all the mail you get is real, and we write fan mail to ourselves
Our albums been out for awhile but it’s still sitting on the shelves
But we don’t know fame like you know it guys, Backstreet does
We don’t know what it’s like to have fans that wanna give it up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Dan
Pssh with Britney, we should be together too..

{Chorus}

Dear Boyband-We’re-Too-Good-To-Care-About-Our-Fans,
This'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the Fan Club address perfect
So this is our cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Lance, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Eminem he calls it “Stan”
About that guy who coulda stopped his crazy psycho stalking, but didn’t?
Then Em wrote him back, but he was dead; the guy had drownded?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda helped us to get famous
Now it's too late – I’m only No Authority. You think we’re lousy
And all we wanted was a concert; not free or at a mall
And hey NSYNC, I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you guys, we coulda toured together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me
See JC; {*screaming*} Shut up Rick! I'm tryin to talk!
Yeah Jayce, that's my bandmates screamin in the trunk
but I didn't beat his ass, I just tied them up, see I ain't like you
cause if they suffocate and we all die, we'll sell some records too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?
{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*LOUD splash*}

{Chorus}

Dear Dan, We meant to write you sooner but we just been busy
We heard your CD, ya’ll can make it if you just ditch Ricky.
Look, I'm really flattered Tommy grew a fro like that
and here's an autograph to give him
I wrote it on the Fuman cap
I'm sorry we couldn’t make it to your show, I had to miss it
You know how it is, I was busy getting with Miss Britney
But what's this shit you said about you like to bleach your hair too?
I did that shit in 97,
c'mon - how fucked up is you?
You got some issues Dan, I think you need some counseling
to help your ass from thinking bout the fame, one day you’ll find some
And what's this shit about us meant to tour together?
That type of shit'll make us steal bitches from each other
I really think you and your boyband need each other
or maybe you just need to sing much better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Dan
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that we just don't care about our fans
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his boyband in the trunk, and one was spooning with a pig
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, No Authority?!?.. it was you