It's the year 2050, on a bright sunny morning in a quiet California suburb. The silence was shattered however as an elderly man rolled down his neighbor's driveway after stealing their morning paper, in his motorized wheelchair. The old man was dressed in a pair of highwater brown corduroy pants, a striped pastel colored button down shirt, and a brown corduroy jacket with black suede elbow patches. His graying brown hair was patchy with the distinctive markings of what seemed to be a blond "skunk streak". Zooming expertly down the driveway, the old man jabbed at the wheelchair's control pad as he screeched, "These crazy newfangled contraptions! They go too damn slow...I might as well be riding a facken lawnmower!"
And with that, the elderly man pressed a button out of pure frustration, sending his wheelchair careening backwards at top speed. Crashing through the wooden garage door, Eric Stretch sighed heavily. "The neighbors are SO going to make me pay for this. Oh well, FUCK them!"
Moving quickly before his neighbors woke up and came out to investigate the noise, he manuevered his motorized chair over the debris and down the driveway. Flying down the narrow sidewalks of Yorba Linda, Eric planned out his day.
After arriving at the local park, Eric spent the majority of his morning swerving around in his wheelchair scaring pigeons and little old ladies. Popping a wheelie, Eric yelled loudly to no one in particular. "Oh my GAWD! This would be way more fun if I could get out of this shitty wheelchair once in awhile." Then, getting sentimental, Eric recalled the day, only five years earlier, that he had done an ariel cartwheel from his No Authority days. It was a cartwheel he had practiced many many times before, however, due to the fact that he was 65 years of age he fell and landed himself in a wheelchair permanantly.
Just then, a little old lady hobbled towards Eric, interrupting his thoughts. "Hey Mister, I'm trying to feed the birds and you keep scaring them all away. Would you mind going elsewhere?" She smiled sweetly before turning back towards her bench.
"HELLZ YES I mind grandma!" Eric shouted, "Try to ruin my fun? I don't THINK so." Then, with the press of a button, his wheelchair shot forward and ran over the elderly woman at top speed. "Speed bump!" the old stretchy bastard screamed with laughter as he sped out of the park.
After leaving the park, Eric headed to the local Wal-Mart where he bought 2 new packages of Depends and some WD-40 to lube up the wheels of his chair. Leaving the Wal-Mart, he scooted across the parking lot, almost getting sideswiped by a lone station wagon. "Good LORD. Why don't you take your grocery getter and GET OUT OF MY LANE!" Eric hooted, shaking his fist at the mother who drove the wagon. "Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you lady. FUCK YOU!" he concluded, giving her the bird as he continued to zoom through the lot with careless abandon.
With his bag full of Depends and WD-40, Eric made his way downtown for his daily game of "cane tripping". Settling in on his favorite streetcorner, Eric pulled a retractable cane out of his ever-present "fag bag". Leaning back in his motorized chair, he awaited his first victim of the day. After a few moments of waiting, a young woman in her 20's walked by and just as she passed in front of the stretchy old man, he stuck his cane in her path. The woman tripped and fell onto the ground as Eric bounced with glee in his chair. Picking herself up and dusting off her clothing, the woman shot him a dirty look. "Did you just trip me?" she asked angrily.
"Of COURSE I did you flaming idiot! What, you think my cane just jumps out of my hand and trips people? Oh no no no girlfriend, I SO tripped you. And it was the FUNNIEST thing I've ever seen. EVER." he stated obnoxiously, tossing his head back in laughter.
Not knowing what to say, the young girl shot him a dirty look before continuing on her way. The afternoon flew by as Eric continued to cause people to stumble. By 4:00 he had tripped 3 old men, 5 old women, a woman jogger, a small girl on her way home from school, 3 teenage girls, and a blind man along with his seeing eye dog. "Oh my GAWD this day has been fun!" he shouted as he tripped a man in a business suit. As the gentleman picked himself up off the ground, Eric roared in laughter. "Have a nice trip? SEE YA NEXT FALL! Good LORD I'm funny."
Looking at his watch, Eric decided to start wheeling his way home so he would make it there in time to watch Hollywood Squares and Survivor reruns. As he sailed home alongside traffic, cars honked happily while passing the motorized chair Eric sat in. "What the FUCK!" he screeched, not knowing why everyone was blaring their horns as they passed by him. "What? You got a problem?" he yelled at one car. "Come here and have Grandpa Stretch fix it for ya! I'll wrap you up so tight in a fingerpal you won't know what hit you! That's right, you heard me. Bastards." he concluded, turning into his driveway, the "Honk if You're Horny" reflective bumper sticker on the back of his chair glowing prominently in the setting sun.
The End.
