"What the FACK!" He thought. "I'm reduced to being a bouncer at a midget strip club?! I can't believe this." He leaned on the yardstick next to him, his only piece of job equipment. He was not to let ANYONE over 3 feet tall in, under any circumstances. He had applied for the job just a day earlier, his 8 foot 7 inch frame landing him the position in a heartbeat. Now, he had a long night of standing there turning away the tall folk, and checking ID on the vertically challenged to make sure they weren't a six year old trying to sneak in for a show.
"Midget strippers, I can't believe this." he thought. After waiting a few minutes, his first entrant approached him. Eric looked down at the man with his "bitch face" stating dominantly, "I'll need to see some ID."
"ID?? I-muther-fuckin-D!" The 2 foot tall man screamed. "Have you not seen the Spy That Shagged Me? I'm Mini Me you jackass!"
Eric flipped his head in disgust. "Whatever. I don't care if you're Ricky G, he was in Austin Powers and you don't see me letting HIM in. I need to see your facken ID!"
The short man bit Eric's knee, before throwing his ID card at him.
"We SO have a problem." Eric complained. "This says Vern Troyer, I thought your name was Mini Me?"
"RETARD! That's just my name in the MOVIE." The leather clad little person stated, biting Eric again before grabbing his ID and going inside.
"Ugh," Eric huffed in disgust. "This job is for the birds. I wish we had a tour or SOMETHING oh my GAWD." Before he could continue his bitching, another patron appraoched the door.
"I'm just heading inside to get some "Diff'rnt Strokes" from these girls, ya know what I'm saying buddy?" Gary Coleman joked, handing Eric his ID.
"I don't get it. Whatchoo talkin bout Willis!" Eric howled, laughing at his own joke and ushering Gary in.
The night started getting busy when a group of 10 munchkins approached the entrance. "What do they think this IS," Eric hooted, "a blink182 VMA performance!" He let the group enter and was quickly approached by Ricky G. "Uh uh Ricky, NO WAY." He taunted, shaking his finger at the boypal. "I know you're a short shit and all but stand next to this." Ricky walked over to the 3 foot ruler, almost passing under it, but his flowing hair sticking just above the top of the yardstick. "Nope, SORRY!" Eric yelled. "I SO knew your hair would be your downfall. Sucks to be YOU Ricky. I'm Eric Stretch." He began dancing in an Urkelesque fashion as a tear ran down Ricky's cheek.
"B-b-b-ut Eric, MINI ME is in there! He's my only chance to get in Austin Powers 3!" Ricky pleaded at the bendy, stretchy bastard blocking the doorway.
"Ricky, I'm SO not listening to a WORD your saying." Eric stated matter of factly, "Now leave."
"Hey Eric," Ricky questioned, his head tilted to the side. "Isn't that Aaron Carter?" He pointed to a spot behind Eric.
"THAT LITTLE HOOVER. HE SUCKS! WHERE!!!" Eric demanded, whipping his head around, ready to throw down. Nothing was behind him, and he scratched his skunk streak in confusion. He turned around just in time to catch a glimpse of Ricky running into the club.
"BITCH!" Eric yelled, turning his body around and running into the club. "RIIIIIIIIICKY!" He screamed furiously, "WHERE THE FACK ARE YOU?! I'M SO GOING TO ----" He stopped suddenly when he noticed her.
She was blonde, she was beautiful, she was topless, she was dancing to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'...... and she was 1 foot 7 inches tall. "My dream girl" he thought, "she SO needs to take a ride on the red carpet." Forgetting all about the piglet wandering through the bar stalking Mini Me, he approached the stage and waited for her to finish her show.
"That was GREAT." He opened conversation with, sitting indian style on the floor to speak eye to eye with her. "I'm Eric, it's like SO great to meet you."
"I'm Bambi." She said, "Aren't you our new bouncer..."
"OLD BOUNCER!" The midget club owner who'd been giving Eric encouragement earlier in the night shouted. "He left the door open, look what he's done!" He pointed to the crowd and Eric and Bambi turned to see Shaquille O'Neil, Carson Daly, Justin Timberlake, and Marilyn Manson frequenting the crowd of little people. "BASTARD! All these lengthy, tall people! My business is ruined."
"Oh, I am SO fired." Eric sobbed, burying his head in his hands.
EPILOGUE.
Ricky G DID, in fact, meet Mini Me that night. After dancing for him and knocking him out with his swirl kick, he will NOT be appearing in the next Austin Powers.
Shaq, Justin, Carson, and Marilyn blended well with the crowd. The owner, happy with what he saw, renamed the club from "Short and Sexy" to "Size really DOESN'T matter". He even hired non-midget dancers such as Britney Spears and Julie from the Real World.
Eric and Bambi fell in love. Nine months after the night they met in the club, their first son, Kilano, was born. He is also a midget. They now have 4 children, one of whom is an adopted, 300 pound, 2 foot tall boy who only wears camoflaugue and has a tail. (Not a hair tail like Jordan Knight in his New Kids days, an honest to goodness tail. Like a horse, a burro, an ASS if you will.) This adopted boys name is RaNay. They leave in LA, and Eric got to keep his bouncer job.
Josh Weiner did NOT appear in this story, but he's still driving around in his Weinermobile handing out free Weiners to all the poor children of America.
