Embarassing haircuts, bad clothes, guady jewelry...we've all been through it. You know what I'm talkin about, when you sit and look through your old pictures from back in the day and just CRINGE. Well, contrary to popular belief, the boys of NA haven't ALWAYS been the trend setters they are today. (LOL!) They've been fashion victims just like the rest of us, but unlike us, their photos and fashion mishaps get noticed by the world. So, take a walk down memory lane with me as I tell you a little story of....Tommy Thru The Years...
The year is 1998 and Tommy Boy McCarthy is a mere 18 years old...still a baby, although now able to vote and drink legally in Mexico. Ole! Anyways, poor Tommy hasn't realized that the early 90's are SO over and it's almost the year 2000. So he heads off to join No Authority in California in his most favorite outfit, faded denim overalls with one strap dangling from his left shoulder. A bright orange (florescent if you will) shirt with a hot pink peace sign peeks out from under the baggy overalls, blinding everyone and anyone within a ten mile radius. Now you may think that would be a bad thing, blinding people with your shirt, but what you don't understand is that those people are lucky because without their sight, they can't see his imitation Doc from Back to the Future haircut! LOL! It's scary stuff.
So anyways, like I said, the year is 1998 and Tommy goes out to meet his bandmates. They hit it off well despite his 80's clothing and start the making of their album, No Authority. Now, as you know, Tommy and Ricky wrote "Thinkin" together. Where did they go to write such a masterpiece you ask? Well, Tommy usually only writes songs in the shower, but since Ricky was writing it with him, he had to think of a new plan. So, they headed off to the tropical shores of...Nebraska. (Yeah, I know Nebraska is landlocked, who CARES, this is a random story. Live with it.) Once they get there, they settle in near one of the beautiful waterfalls and begin penning the smash hit.
So they're sittin there, Ricky and Tommy both clad in loincloths and umbrella hats, underneath the waterfall...writing their song lyrics with an Etch-A-Sketch. (It's waterproof you know.) They're stuck on the rap that they decide they want to insert to appeal to more audiences, when a herd of Nebraskonites come prancing along. The leader of the tribe takes off his foam corn hat and bows deeply to the 2 NA boys. (Danny is off chasing N Sync's bus and Eric is bowling for buzzards in Death Valley, whatever.) Then he says deeply, "Hola mamasitas!" Tommy suddenly gets a brain storm and *POOF*, a rap is born. He asks the Nebraskonite leader if he can use that in a song and the leader, we'll call him Santa, agrees with one condition...the NA boys must give him something in return since he won't be getting a 10 cent cut off the album. Tommy agrees and offers the one thing he owns of any value (besides his SORTAfly necklace...he wasn't SUPAfly at this point), Bommy. So, Tommy and Ricky give Bommy to the Nebraskonites and finish up with the song.
Alright, so that year went by really quickly for Tommy cuz he was so busy traveling to exotic locations such as Nebraska and bonding with the guys that he would have to work with. The guys of No Authority grew so close that Tommy, in the year 1999, after a night of heavy drinking, decided that he would show his brotherly support by getting an NA tattoo on his arm. The other guys were taken aback by his gesture, and after promising they too would get tattoos AFTER Tommy did it first, they all joined in a big festive group hug. Awww.
So it's early 1999, and Tommy needs to find the perfect place to get a tattoo. He can't just get one in Cali, that would be too boring. So, he and Ricky hop in a dogsled and head over to Sweden, where they hike through the mountains before finding a very hairy Yetti with a license in tattooing. So Tommy sits down and lets the Yetti begin the fine art of tattooing, putting his faith in the beastly creature to do a good job. An hour went by before the Yetti was finished and Tommy looked down at his arm before sqeaking out a mini-scream. "NOOOO!!" The hairy mongrel had tattooed the letters AA with a rectangle around them, instead of NA with an oval. Tommy was very displeased, but he then remembered, because he had a haircut like Doc from Back to the Future, he also had bought a Delorian, so he hopped in it and came back an hour earlier. This time he explained the tattoo clearly to the Yetti, making sure he understood what he was supposed to do.
"NOT AA! NA...like...Narcotics Annonymous!" Tommy said slowly for the beast to comprehend.
"Whitney Houston?" the Abomidible snowman replied.
"Yes." Tommy replied, cuz that's what he says...yes.
So, the Yetti finally understood and after another painful hour in the tattoo chair, Tommy emerged from the hut with a freshly inked oval NA.
The rest of 1999 went by with a blur, the boys worked on their album, did a little touring, etc. Soon it was the year 2000 and Tommy had evolved from an 80's Doc wannabe to the SUPAfly stud *lol* that he is today. Early 2000 brought the boys much joy as they released their album and made their Can I Get Your Number video.
Late in the year, Tommy got his now most prized possession, his cellphone aka galpal. After receiving annonymous messages for N Syncer Joey Fatone (which Danny insisted on listening to cuz it made him feel like he was part of N Sync), he finally got it through to the girls that he was Tommy of No Authority *fame*. So from then on, Tommy's ear was always glued to his ever ringing cell phone. The messages were random in content, ranging from Sisqo to Steve Fatone, to even "Happy New Millenium No Authority".
As the months went by, the girls...we'll call them the GalPals, grew bolder and wiser after two of them met Tommy and found out it was okay to leave the messages. The Sisqo messages turned to Peekle messages, and the Steve Fatone messages turned into "Do you have nutmud you crumbsnatcher". Although Tommy didn't always understand the messages, their infectious laughter had him giggling along and even looking forward to hearing about their mullet hunting adventures.
Soon it was December and No Authority was making the long trek from Cali to Long Island for a show they would be doing there. In any case, the Galpals warned him ahead of time to be on the look out for them cuz they were on their way.
After their show, the boys made their way into the lobby. Within moments it was a circus. Tommy, knowing full well that he was partly to blame for egging the three hyperactive girls on, slipped on his blue invisi-glasses and observed from his now invisible point of view.
The lobby was a mad house. Danny was running around offering to give people swirlies in the bathroom, yelling "4-3-6", and just generally repeating himself with phrases such as "I don't have a computer, computer", "Hug, hug", "Long Beach, LA...Long Beach, where I live". By the time he's made his third round through the hotel lobby, smoke is coming out his ears and the wiring inside his head is going haywire.
Eric is happy to be there, he's bouncing around the lobby with Mardi Gras beads on his head, around his waist, wrists, arms, legs. He's just a walking bead factory here people. He's giving out his screenname as he's bouncing around, saying "IM me, I'll block you, it'll be great!"
Ricky meanwhile, is ballet dancing in the middle of the lobby in a tutu and moon boots. As the three GalPals approach, Tommy shakes his head as he spots them in the crowd. One is dressed like a Vegas showgirl, one is dressed like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, and the third is a hula girl. They all separate to do more damage...the one dressed as Dorothy skips over to Ricky with her basket and hands him a link of hotdogs. "Look, it's Moe!" she laughs in his face. Ricky clutches the hotdogs and cries "NOOOOOO!" before skipping off quickly in his tutu to find his pig.
Meanwhile the showgirl and the hula girl are harassing Danny. "Flash me for these beads bitch!" the showgirl screechs at the spiky haired man. Because Danny's slow to comply, she takes off her elaborate headdress and starts beating him over the head with it, causing him to drop to the floor in pain. The hula girl begins doing the hula and as Tommy (who is still invisible at this time) bends down to soothe Danny, knocks Tommy's invisi-glasses off with a twitch of her hips.
The glasses fly off and slide across the floor, but see, the glasses are still invisible so they end up landing on Eric, who's now doing the worm across the hotel floor. (Did I mention he's an evil worm?) So we've got an evil worm stretching across the floor that's now also invisible. Tommy freaks out as he realizes his Galpals can see him. In his panic, he throws his phone at the girls, which distracts them momentarily as they ooh and aww over Tommy's phone. As the three girls try it out to make sure it even works, Tommy launches himself off of the extra springy couch and grabs ahold of the chandelier.
Dorothy and the Hula girl stop looking at the galpal momentarily as they glance around for Tommy, who is hanging from the ceiling. Having the phone all to herself, the Showgirl curls up on the floor next to Danny (who is now spooning with himself and muttering things about Jacko) and hacks into the voicemail in order to listen to some messages.
Meanwhile, Dorothy looks up and notices Tommy. She gestures to the Hula girl and the two attempt to make a pyramid in order to get Tommy down from the light fixture. After three attempts, they realize the third and final GalPal is missing. They search for a good fifteen minutes before they find her laughing hysterically with Tommy's phone held tightly to her ear. So, giving her a good bitch slap, they drag her over to the chandelier where they proceed to make a sturdy pyramid. The Hula girl grabbed Tommy's feet and yelled up "Don't worry Skillz! We're gonna help you down!"
Right as the pyramid was about to dismount with Tommy in tow, the evil invisible Eric Stretch doing the worm across the floor ran into the two bottom GalPals and knocked the pyramid over faster than you can say Egyptian. The three of them fell to the floor in a dusty heap. Then, Tommy awoke and sat up in his bed in a cold sweat. Sighing in relief, he smiled a mini-smile. "It was all a dream...." He loves me, he loves you not.
