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Driven
Lyrics from "Drive" by Incubus
By: Becca
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Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
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Hi, my name is Josh...that's all you need to know for right now, because if I give you anymore information, you just might not take me seriously. When you read what I'm about to say, you're probably going to think to yourself; That guy is a certifiable asshole. Well yeah, sometimes I am. And if you think I'm bragging by what I'm about to tell you, then you don't get it at all...but that's okay, not many people do.
One might take a look at my life, such as it is, and think that I have it all. Heh...I laugh as I write that...hard. I have money. I'm not going to lie to you. I probably have enough money to take care of my children, and my children's children. I can buy pretty much whatever I want...there I go, laughing again. The only thing that I truly want, I can't buy...I can't afford it. What is that you ask? Simple...I want freedom.
Everywhere I go, people know my name. Grown women throw themselves at me on a daily basis. I can't go out alone...neither can my family, really. My life as an average, red-blooded twenty-something man got thrown out the window a long time ago. It flew from my own hand, mind you...I chose to be where I am today. I love it. But the honest to god truth is, I don't know how much more of it I can stand.
Lately, I've been feeling claustrophobic. I've been climbing the damned walls trying to make myself feel more, oh hell, I don't know...normal? "Normal" is something so foreign to me, I hardly know what the word means anymore.
It's like this...I have a car, that I can't drive very often, because someone might see me and follow me. I have a house, that I can't live in without people taking up residence on my front lawn just to get a glimpse of me. I spend most of my time living out of a suitcase in this hotel or that one, and it's a struggle to even get a good night's sleep. You can't draw yourself inwards, because if you do...you come off as a prick. You can't be too up, either...cause then you get labeled an idiot...or worse...a drug addict.
I'm a robot. Sleep, Sing, Party...Sleep, Sing, Party...I'm tired of it, folks...And I'm ready to bust out and make a change for myself...if I don't, I'm afraid I just might crack.
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And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.I sat back against the seat of the giant utility vehicle that was driving us to the arena. I had my headphones on, and was tapping my feet on the floorboard to the beat of the jazz riff coming out of my portable CD player.
Chris sat next to me on the bench seat, his head leaned against the window, snoring softly. I stared out the window at the scenery passing by with little interest. It looked to me like every other highway in every other town.
We reached the arena, and pulled up to the entrance in the back. Even though there was security all around the place, as usual, a small cluster of eager-looking scantily-clad girls was waiting. They leered at the utility vehicle like birds of prey, some of them even standing on tip-toes to try and get a peek into the tinted windows.
It never ceased to amaze me how these girls seemed to be getting younger and younger every time. Not half of the ten or so females out there now could have been over the age of eighteen. What was even more frightening than that was the lengths that these girls would go to, just to get attention from one of us. It wasn't rare for a thirteen or fourteen year old girl to pull her shirt up over her head when in our presence. Like, yeah honey...that's impressive, put your training bra back on and call me when you can fill it out.
They called out our names as we made our way up the entrance ramp, sounding as though they were praying almost. I dropped my head, not feeling like making eye contact with any of them at that moment. Perhaps I was praying too...praying for them to go away and let me breathe without hearing them scream. It's frightening how one can get sick of hearing their own name...
We ran through dress rehearsal without a hitch, but I was only half there. My mind was elsewhere entirely, relaxing on a deserted beach somewhere in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but my CD player and a blanket to fall asleep on.
"Yo, JC...wake up, man." Justin's voice popped the balloon of my fantasy, snapping me back to life.
I blinked, realizing that the other four guys were staring at me strangely.
"You missed your cue, brotha!" Joey said, shaking his head sadly, "And we were doing so well!"
"Sorry about that." I said, running my fingers through my hair and letting out an exhasperated sigh, "My mind is somewhere else."
They started the song over, and I came in on cue this time. Not that it was difficult, I heard these songs in my dreams...over and over.
It felt like I was doing a LOT of things "over and over" lately. Nothing was new or exciting anymore...it all had the same droll monotony as the day before it. I was hungry for adventure...hungry for solitude...hungry for the inner peace that only NOT being "JC Chasez of *Nsync" could bring me.
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It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
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"Mmm...yeah...oh god, that feels so good!" She moaned underneath me, grinding her hips back into mine with a vengeance.
I closed my eyes and drove into her, not even really seeing her face, not really even caring what it looked like. I needed intimacy, and I found it in a place that I always knew I could turn to...the VIP room of whatever club they sent us to.
She had dark hair, and eyes the color of coal. I'm sure, that just like every other girl one of us had picked up randomly, she thought there was something "different" about her...something that had attracted me to her and only her. Actually, I just wanted to pick one and get the hell out of there, away from the stares of mock-adoration, and before anyone else asked for an autograph.
Sick, isn't it? How jaded someone can get after awhile? Sometimes I didn't recognize myself. And screwing the living hell out of this girl who I didn't even know by name, was one of those times.
I guess in a way I did these things as a form of rebellion. My own little way of saying to myself and everyone else, Hey! I CAN be my own person! But, deep inside myself, I was still the good, respectful person that my mother had raised me to be. I still felt a deep sense of guilt when I handed the poor girl cab fare and bid her adieu.
After she was gone, I sat down at the desk in my hotel room to make an attempt at writing something. Even that was leaving me as of late, and that frightened me. Writing was my escape from everything, it was the way I counseled myself. Not being able to do it was like not being able to breathe.
The pen sat motionless in my hand, poised above the paper, and ready to jump at the first sign of inspiration. Nothing came, and I let out a groan, throwing the pen at the wall in front of me.
I got up from the desk and threw myself across the disheveled bed, staring at the ceiling above me. My thoughts were running six-thousand miles an hour through my head. Even when I was by myself there was screaming. The endless, high-pitched squealing of my own mind, begging for release.
From the bed I made my way into the bathroom, taking off my clothes and climbing into the shower. I turned on the water as hot as I could possibly stand it and tried to wash off the stench of what I had become.
And as the water pelted down on me, I began to cry bitterly. It was then that I knew that I had to make a change. I got out of the shower and stared at my reflection in the mirror.
"C'mon Chasez..." I said to myself, wiping my face off with my hand, "You gotta get ahold of yourself, man."
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had to make a decision...either stay where I was and do what I had been doing for years...or break free from it for a while and find myself again. Neither of those things would be easy...I had a long night of thinking ahead of me.
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But lately I am beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
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"You're what?" Justin demanded, almost banging his fist against the table, "Dammit JC, you can't do this to us! We have a tour coming up!"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath...I knew this was coming.
"I know that, Justin..." I said quietly, "But things are really starting to get to me."
"How so, JC?" Our manager, Johnny asked me, "How are things getting to you? Maybe we can help..."
I shook my head.
"I really wish someone could help, Johnny...I'm going nuts, man...It's like I can't get a moment of peace, even when I'm by myself..." I said, looking around the table at my group-mates trying to get my point across to them.
Justin had a look on his face that was like steel, it was clear that he just wasn't hearing me...either that, or he didn't want to hear me. As a matter of fact, the only person who really looked like he understood at all was Chris. He nodded his head sympathetically, his brown eyes almost solemn, and the light from above him catching the purple highlights in his hair.
"I say if Josh needs a few days to himself...we give them to him." Chris spoke up. The other three guys all turned and looked at him like he'd gone senile suddenly.
"Are you shittin' me?" Justin demanded, "We have rehearsals for the next two weeks! What the hell are we going to do without JC?"
"We're going to work around it, Justin." Chris said, staring back at him stubbornly. That was one great thing about Chris, when he had his mind made up, it was tough as hell to shake him.
"Look Justin," I said, coming to my own defense, "I feel ya on the whole rehearsal thing, okay? It's just...if I don't get away for a little while and compose myself, I'm gonna explode. Wouldn't you rather have me the way I used to be than all wired and shit?"
Lance opened his mouth to speak, which scared the crap out of me...he was as business minded as they came. I just knew I was in for a lecture...
"JC's right." He said simply, "If he needs a break, let him have one."
I stared back at him in disbelief. Joey nodded his head slowly, and looked over at Johnny.
"I agree." Joey said, making it almost unanimous.
All eyes were on Justin. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his eyes downcast.
"Well I don't agree." He said finally, "I think this taking a break stuff is bullshit...We all knew what we were getting into. And hell no, it's not easy...but it's what we wanted."
"You're right J." I said, running my fingers through my hair, "It is what I asked for...but I'm at a breaking point, man. C'mon J...I can't do this without all of your blessings...we're a team, brotha..."
Justin's head shot up and he glared at me, his ice blue eyes cold.
"A team?" He snapped, "Don't talk to ME about being a team! You're the one who's too weak to play!"
He stood up from the table and grabbed his stuff, slinging his bag over his shoulder and heading for the door.
"I'm outta here." He said, "Meeting over."
"Justin..." I called after him, "For cryin' out loud...don't be like this!"
I stood to my feet, hoping he would turn around and give me a chance to make him understand. He ignored me, waving me off over his shoulder as though what I said didn't matter to him.
"Ignore the little shit," Chris said, standing up and putting his hand on my shoulder consolingly, "You know how bitchy he gets...must be his time of the month."
Joey burst out laughing, and Lance chuckled. I stifled a snicker, and looked at Chris greatfully.
"Thanks Chris." I said to him, "I'm glad someone hears me on this."
"Just go do what you gotta do." He told me, "But don't be too long, okay?"
I nodded my head as the rest of them got up to leave the room. They were all looking at me sadly, as though this might be the last time they saw me...like they were filing past my casket or something, and this was my funeral. I shuddered at the thought and found myself staring at the bottle of water on the table in front of me.
You're free. My mind whispered to me in a voice I didn't recognize, They're releasing you from your sentence and you can go and find yourself again.
I found myself singing out loud as I drove home in my car. The radio wasn't even on, yet the music was loud and clear. I rolled down the window and let the crisp afternoon air fill my lungs. It tasted sweet...it tasted like...like freedom.
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Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll Be There...With open arms and open eyes.
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The alarm clock went off, jarring me out a sound sleep. I sat up, grumbling and wiping the sleep from my eyes.
Laying back against the pillows with a groan, I looked at the clock...12:30pm...A smile spread across my face, and I actually laughed out loud. This was the first time in a LONG time that I had woke up after 5am...and damn, did it feel good.
I walked out of my room, looking around at the house that I had bought a year earlier...it looked naked, un-lived in...I made a mental note to do something about that as soon as possible, and went into the kitchen.
I yawned as I opened the fridge door, stretching and scratching the back of my neck.
"No food..." I said to myself, "Figures..."
I closed the fridge and went back into my room, the sound of my feet slapping against the hardwood floor echoing throughout the whole house.
"I don't even know what the date is!" I cried to myself in the mirror, then I turned, "Hey Lance..." I shook my head sadly when I realized there was no one there.
Lance usually knew all the details of where we were, what time we had to be where...he was a walking palm pilot...it would probably take a couple days for me to get accustomed to his not being there...hell, it would take a little adjusting to get used to ALL of them not being there...even Justin, as bull-headed as he could be at times.
The phone rang as I was putting on my khakis to go out and get something to eat.
"Hello?" I said into it, hoping it wasn't a fan who was just going to scream in my ear.
"Josh?" A female voice on the other end said, "It's Olivia..."
I smiled.
"Hey!" I said, sitting on the edge of my bed, "How are ya?"
She sounded worried.
"I was about to ask you the same thing, Josh..." She said, "I called the compound and Chris said you were taking a break from the group...is everything okay?"
I sighed and lay back on my bed.
"Yeah, Liv...everything is fine." I assured her, "I was just feeling a little claustrophobic and needed some time to myself."
"Oh..." She said, sounding sad, "I'm sorry I bothered you,
then..."
"No!" I said, sitting up suddenly, "You didn't bother me! In fact, I'm really happy to hear from you right now...are you in town?"
"Yes..." She answered, "I'll be leaving again in a week though."
"Would you like to meet me somewhere for breakfast?" I asked.
"Breakfast? Josh, it's 1 `o clock in the after noon!" She laughed.
"Yeah well...good morning to you too!" I chuckled, "So how `bout it? Breakfast?"
"Okay." She said finally, "I'll meet you at your place?"
"Sounds good!" I said happily, "See you soon."
I hung up the phone and finished getting dressed, I noticed a spring in my step that hadn't been there in a very long time.
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So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
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Olivia and I had been friends for years. She had been my next door neighbor when I first moved with my family from Maryland to Orlando...we were as close as two people could be without letting sex interfere.
There had been so many times that Olivia had been my voice of reason...I realized that this time would probably be no different as we drove in a heavy silence to the restaurant.
We chose a restaurant not far from my house, just in case someone recognized me and made eating next to impossible.
It irritated me that I had to be cautious of those things...that I couldn't just go out like a normal guy and have a meal with friends or family. I was always incognito...even when I wasn't disguised.
Olivia and I sat across the table facing one another. She looked at me with a troubled tone to her brown eyes.
"Josh, just stop right there." She said, putting her hand on top of mine on the table, "You cannot quit the group...you've worked far too hard to get to where you are now...it would be a crime to abruptly end it like this."
"Do you have any idea what it's like, Liv?" I asked her, "I never get a single moment to myself anymore...I'm constantly being screamed at and groped...I just want a normal life!"
She shook her head, her long dark hair shimmying and catching the light from the chandelier above us.
"You think all that will stop just because you quit?" She asked me, smiling at me softly, "Your fans aren't just going to forget about you like that, Josh...they'll still be around, looking for you whenever they get the chance."
I groaned and took a long drink of coffee.
"I know..." I said sadly, "I guess I'm just tired."
"Of course you're tired!" She exclaimed, "But I know you better than to think you'd just give all this up because you're tired!"
I looked back at her, searching her eyes...I found nothing in them but pure sincerity.
"I'm here for you, Josh." She said quietly, reading my mind.
I nodded.
"I know you are, Liv...and I'm damned glad you are." I told her, threading my fingers through hers, and smiling at her.
She smiled back and squeezed my hand.
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It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around.
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We sat on the couch in my living room, arms wrapped around each other. She tilted her face up and kissed me under the chin, a soft smile on her pretty face.
It was incredible how good human contact felt when it was more than a fleeting screw in some random hotel room. I wasn't about to seduce her...it felt too good to just have her in my arms.
I kissed the top of her head and snuggled her closer to me. She smiled and put her arms tightly around my waist.
"So are you gonna go back?" She asked me, laying her head against my chest.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to will the words to come out.
"Yeah..." I said finally, "I'm gonna go back."
"Good!" She cried, kissing my cheek, "See, I knew the music was too much for you to turn your back on."
"Will you stop that?" I laughed.
"What?" She asked, sitting up and looking into my eyes.
"Stop knowing me better than I know myself!" I chuckled, hugging her to me.
"Can't help it!" She shrugged, "You're easy to read."
"Oh bullshit!" I laughed, "I am not! I am a deep and very complex person."
"Nice try, Josh..." She grinned, "But I'm not Teen Beat magazine...you don't have to impress me!"
I laughed and poked her in her sides, causing her to shriek and jump up from the couch.
"I should be going, JC..." She said, touching the end of my nose with her fingertip.
"Aww!" I cried, standing up in front of her, "Do you have to?"
She nodded.
"I haven't been to my house in weeks...I have stuff to do!" She smiled, "I'm only a phone call away though...always..."
I put my hand at the side of her face and leaned it, brushing my lips softly over hers. She closed her eyes lightly and then smiled ever-so-softly. I kept my hand at the side of her face, and looked into her eyes.
"Thank you." I said, dropping my head slightly, "You helped me a lot."
She grinned at me, and put her arms around my waist.
"That's what I'm here for, Josh." She said, rubbing her cheek against my palm lightly and then taking my hand in hers between us.
"I'll see ya around." I smirked.
"Yeah...probably sooner than you think." She kissed my cheek and turned for the door.
I watched her walk out, and she waved to me as she closed the door behind her.
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But lately I'm beginning to find that
when I drive myself my light is found.
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Three days later, I sat in my car for a long while, just staring at the back door to the arena that the guys were practicing in. They weren't expecting me...I had decided to just go there and act like nothing had been wrong...just jump right back into the life I had been so eager to jump out of. I took a deep breath and tried to convince myself to go in there and do what I was supposed to do...but I couldn't.
I started the car and pulled out of the parking space, heading back out onto the street. The sun was shining brightly. I drove to the office building and stopped the car in front of it. I got out of the car and walked straight into the building, headed for her office.
"Sir!" The secretary called to me, "You can't go in there!"
I ignored her and walked into Olivia's office, planting my hands on the desk so I was face to face with her.
"Tell me again why I have to do this..." I said to her, searching her face.
"Because you love the music, Josh...and because you love the other four guys in that group! That's all there is to it...You always used to tell me to do what I loved...and I love that about you...I love how passionate you are about something when you really give a damn." She told me, not even shocked that I had just burst into her office unannounced.
"Thanks Olivia." I said, kissing her hand before I turned my back to walk back out.
I heard her laughing softly as I walked out of the building and turned my car back for the arena.
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Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll Be There...With open arms and open eyes.
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I walked in and sat down in a chair in front of the stage, watching my friends go through their dance moves with our choreographer, Wade.Chris looked down at me, and got a huge goofy grin on his face.
"JC's back!" He cried, hopping down off the stage and enveloping me in a hug.
I hugged him back.
"You are back, right man?" He asked me, a worried look spreading over his face.
I nodded.
"Yeah man, I'm back." I said, looking up at the other three guys, "That is...if you'll have me."
"Of course we'll have you, ya big dummy." Joey said, flashing me a smile.
"J?" I said, looking at him, "What about you? You okay with my being back?"
"I never wanted your ass to leave in the first place." He said simply.
I laughed and got up on the stage with them.
"Let's take it easy on the new guy." Lance said jokingly.
I gave him a glance over my shoulder and then smiled at Wade.
"Hit me with your worst, Robson." I said to Wade, "I can take it!"
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Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine....
hold the wheel and drive?
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