A stoner is walking down the street when he realizes he left his lighter at his friend's house. He goes back to get it and when he gets there, his friend isn't home. So he just keeps knocking on the door and his friend comes up from behind him and says, "Hello?" The other stoner yells through the door, "You still got my lighter man!" The friend behind the stoner said, "Hold on, let me get it." He reaches in his pocket, pulls out the lighter, walks inside, shuts the door, opens the door back up, and says, "Hello?"
A Cop pulls over a car full of stoners. The cop goes up to the car and the driver rolls down the window and the cop said '"Congratulations! You have won two thousand dollars for wearing your seat belt!"
The driver says, "Oh, I thought you pulled me over for not having a license!" Then the driver's girlfriend says, "Don't mind him, he's just stoned." Then a friend in the back seat says, "I thought you pulled us over for this pound or weed over here!" Then another friend from the back says, "I thought you pulled us for this stolen car!"
Then the cop hears someone in the trunk say, "Are we over the border yet man?"
A pot-head walks up to a blind man and asks, "I got a joint!" The blind man pulls out his glasses and says, "Let me see!"
A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the necessary equipment and goes to the nearest frozen ice. About 20 feet out he cuts a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" booms a voice. "The stoner shrugs and moves out another 50 feet and starts to cut another hole. "There's no fish there, either!" booms the voice.
The stoner shouts, "Is that you God?"
"No," says the voice, "I own the fucking ice rink!"
One day three guys were walking down the street: a pothead, a burnout, and an acidhead. They all suddenly stop walking and look at each other. The burnout says, "If only I had a joint!" Poof! He had a joint.
The acidhead said, "If only I had a tab!" Poof! He had a tab. The pothead said, "If only if I had a girl!" Poof! He was a girl.
Three stoners rob a 7-11.
They run out with the money.
The cops started to chase them.
They each jumped in a potato bag to try and hide.
The cops catch up and kicked the first potato bag.
"BARK!" says the first stoner.
The cops say, "Oh it's a dog, leave it alone."
They kicked the second potato bag.
"MEOW!" says the second stoner.
The cops say oh it's a cat leave it alone.
They then kicked the third potato bag.
They kicked it again.
And again.
And again.
The stoner could not think of something to say.
The cops kicked it again.
"POTATO!" said the stoner.
Two stoners were driving down the street sharing a joint when all of a sudden they were pulled over by the cops. The cop walks to the car and says: "License and registration please."
So the stoner gives him his license and the cop looks at him and says: "Can I have your name son?"
The stoner looks at him confused like and says: "Isn't it on the card?"
Riddles
Q. What is a stoner's favorite kind of car?
A. A blazer.
Q. Why do stoners cross the street in front of cars?
A. Because what you can't see can't hurt you.
Q. Did you hear about the stoner that locked his keys in the car?
A. He couldn't get his family out for an hour!
Q. How many stoners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. That's why they got a lighter.
Q. How many stoners COULD it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. We don't know yet, we keep falling off the chair!
Q. How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Who cares, dude? It was too bright anyway, now pass the bong.
Q. How can you tell if someone is a true stoner?
A. They read the short jokes and skip the long ones.
Q. What happens when a stoner throws a blue rock into the Red Sea?
A. It gets wet!
Q. What disease does a stoner have when they have short-term memory loss?
A. POTHEIMERS!
Q. What do you call a roach stuck on the end of a toothpick?
A. Pot on a stick!
Q. Why did the stoner cross the street?
A. Because his plants were on the other side
Q. What did the stoner's wife say to him before he left for Vietnam?
A. Doobie careful.
Q. What do you say when you see a big, fat joint walking down the road?
A. Hey it's a big, fat joint!
Q. What did the stoner with the blunt say to the other stoner?
A. Man, don't make me fuck you up.
Q. What do you call a big hole in the road that smokes pot?
A. A pot hole.
Q. What did the paper say to the weed right before they left?
A. Let's roll!
Q: How do all stoners stories start?
A: One time when I was high...
Q. Why did the pothead cross the road?
A: Because there was no other way to get back to where he came from...
He couldn't even remember why he'd crossed the road in the first place.
In fact, he didn't even remember, by the time he reached the center line, which direction he came from and which direction he was going, so he just stopped right there and sat down and smoked a bowl.
Q. What do you call a stoned epileptic?
A. Shake and bake.
Q. What do you call a stoner who always saves his last bowl for tomorrow?
A. A poser.
Q. What time is it when 20 lions are chasing you and 3 of your buddies?
A. Twenty after four. (Or 4:20)
Q. Why did the hippie cut his lawn?
A. To get some grass.
Q. What do a cooked bird and a stoner afraid of everything have in common?
A. They are both baked chickens.
Q. How do you get a stoner out of a room full of weed?
A. You don't!
Q. What do you call money that grows on trees?
A. Weed!
Q. What do you call an Irish stoner?
A. O'Blarney Stoned.
Q. What do you get when a creeper and reefer come together?
A. Some scary shit, man.
Q. What did the stoner do when the hippie hit him in the face.
A. The stoner said: "OUCH!"
Q. How can you tell if you have smoked too much weed?
A. You can't, there is no such thing as smoking too much.
One Liners
You know your stoner when:
You flip through ten channels on the TV before you realize you were just trying to turn up the volume.
You have the munchie food right in front of you and you forget to eat 'em
You light a cigarette and forget to smoke it.
You smoke a cigarette that's not lit.
You stare at the clock waiting for 4:20 to come, then you snap out of it and realize it was 4:31.
You have a freshly packed bowl in your hand and half an hour later you realize... You forgot to smoke it
You're on the phone with your best friend and you forget who you're talking to.
You went to the Superbowl thinking you were gonna get smoked out!
You know you're a stoner when you start eating before your food comes!
You know you're stoned when you are looking for your cigarette and it is in your hand!
You might be a pothead if Freakazoid starts making sense.
You might be a pothead if pets are potheads too.
You might be a pothead if you think Detroit Rock City is the coolest movie in the world.
You might be a pothead if you can't remember if you buy bread at the grocery store of the hardware store.
You might be a pothead if you think about things like who would win if Spiderman and Megaman fought.
You might be a pothead if you think cartoon characters are FINE (e.g. Jessica Rabbit, Ariel, Jodie and the Pussycats...)
You might be a pothead if "huh?" is a predominant part of your everyday language.
You might be a pothead if you laugh at Discovery Channel programming.
You might be a pothead if your TV is constantly tuned in to the cartoon network.
You might be a pothead if you like to suck your bottom lip into the vacuum.
You might be a pothead if the bath and body works hemp lotion intrigues.
You might be a pothead if you try to supersize every meal.
You might be a pothead if you laugh at head traumas.
You might be a pothead if everytime you cough, it sounds like the garbage disposal.
You might be a pothead if everything looks to you like those nickel movies at Disneyland.
You might be a pothead if you have this site bookmarked
Got any good pothead/hippie/stoner/grass/weed/marijuana/tea/lid/pot jokes? Send em in to: clipz@yahooka.com
