“Ellie, wake up. Ellie...”

“Mmmm...” I mumbled, sleepily. Someone was shaking my shoulder. I rolled over and opened my eyes. To my surprise there was a Backstreet Boy just inches from my face. I gasped. It had to be a dream.

“Ellie, come on. They are taking Brian down soon.” Kevin’s green eyes peered into mine.

Then it all came rushing back to me. The coffee shop, meeting Brian, him passing out, the hospital, everything. I sat up with a start. A small wave of dizziness washed over me and I swayed. Immediately I felt Kevin’s hand on my shoulder.

“El, you okay?” Those same beautiful eyes were full of concern now.

“Yeah, I think I just sat up too fast.” I said. I still felt light-headed, but wrote it off to nerves. The clock on the wall read 6:53. So, he had a little over a half hour before he went down for surgery.

I followed Kevin out of the room into the hallway. “Kev, why are we going down there? Isn’t only one or two people allowed in there at once?”

“They are letting us all in there to be with him right before he goes down. Howie called to say that he was awake. AJ and Nick are already in there. Harold and Jackie are on their way. They should hopefully make it here right before he goes in.” He explained.

The lights in I.C.U. were still dimmed like it was when I was there early in the morning. The window that was outside Brian’s room showed that it was starting to get light outside. Kevin held the door open for me to go in first. Nick was sitting in his usual chair and Howie and AJ were sitting in two more chairs on the other side of the bed. Kevin and I took the two at the foot of the bed. I studied Brian carefully. He had the head of his bead up a little bit so he could sit up. His face was still a little pale, but I was sure that had a lot to do with being nervous. He smiled at us when we came in. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room. I don’t think any of us knew quite what to say. Luckily Shari came in the room and saved us.

“Brian, it is time to take your other shower. Then we are going to start you on the pre-op meds that will make you feel a little drowsy.” She told him.

He nodded. “Am I going to go to that little shower like last night?”

“Do you feel up to it?” Shari asked him.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Shari left and came back with a wheelchair. There wasn’t the silly banter like there was the night before when we went on our walk. Kevin helped him into the chair and Shari tucked a blanket around him. Nick offered to help push the I.V. pole and oxygen tank.

“We’ll wait here for you Bri.” Kevin told him.

“Okay.”

After Shari, Nick, and Brian left, we all sort of looked at each other.

“Damn, this is hard.” AJ muttered.

“I didn’t know what to say.” Whispered Howie.

I looked at Kevin, but he stared straight forward. He wouldn’t look at any of us. We sat there in silence for the next ten minutes. I was still feeling light-headed, but there was no way I was going to bring it up now. There were far more important things going on. Plus, I knew that it had to be nerves. Then Kevin’s cell phone rang. We watched the one-sided conversation. When he hung up he told us that Harold and Jackie’s plane had landed, and they were going to be on their way. They would get here after Brian was taken down and would meet him in the pre-op room. Another five minutes of silence went by and finally they came back in. Nick was laughing.

“No, it really did look like that.” He insisted.

Brian was laughing too. “I wouldn’t know, Nicky. I’ve never used the stuff.”

“What?! I haven’t either. Beej tried it one time. We all razzed her about it cause she looked like a carrot.” Nick laughed even harder now.

Shari was also laughing. “I actually tried that stuff once, and now every time I use the soap on a patient I am reminded of it.”

The rest of us stared at the three of them. “What are you talking about?” AJ finally asked.

“That soap that Bri had to use looked like that fake tanning stuff. You know, the tan in a bottle. It turned him orange.” Nick tried to explain between laughs.

“Ha ha. Very funny. It would’ve looked just as funny on you too.” Brian retorted. He was still laughing though. AJ, Howie, and I broke up too. Kevin seemed like he was in another world.

After settling him back into bed, Shari said that transport would be here in about 15 minutes to take Brian down. She put something into his I.V. and told him that he would start feeling drowsy soon. Then she left us alone. We immediately sobered up and it was quiet again for a couple minutes.

Brian cleared his throat. “Um, guys, I just wanted to tell you all, just in case...”

We all cut him off.

“Brian! Don’t talk like that!”

“Hey, you’re going to be fine.”

“Bri, don’t go there, buddy.”

Brian looked pained. “Please! I need to say this.”

We all got quiet. I guess we could understand his need to say this, but whatever he was going to say were things none of us wanted to hear.

“Um, okay...If I don’t make it through this surgery, I want you all to make sure that everyone close to me knows how much they mean to me.” He paused.

Nick took his hand.

“Tell my parents and Harry...”

“Brian, they are on their way here. They will meet you down in pre-op.” Kevin told him. His voice sounded funny.

Brian nodded. “Please tell Lee that she is everything to me. Tell her thank you for always being with me and no matter what happens, I will always be with her. In her heart.” He choked up. After a moment he continued. “Tell her...tell her I love her with all my heart.” A few tears leaked out of his eyes. My own welled up, and I was afraid to look at anyone else.

“Brian...” Howie whispered. There were tears in his eyes too.

Brian shook his head. “Ellie, I know we just met yesterday, but thank you for everything you have done for me so far. For listening to me and getting me here and everything. You are a special girl.”

My head dropped, and I let the tears fall.

“And to you guys. My brothers. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t thank each of you enough for always being there to pick me up.” He stopped to compose himself. I looked up at everyone. That was definitely a mistake. I was once told when I read a passage at a funeral, never to look up at everyone. I didn’t listen then and nearly fell apart. Tears were streaming out of AJ’s eyes, and he looked like he was desperately trying to fight them. Nick was openly crying. Howie was too. Kevin was probably the worst. His eyes were brimming, but he refused to let them fall. It was the look on his face. I closed my eyes and tried to keep ahold on my emotions. I couldn’t stand this. I took a deep breath and prayed that I wouldn’t lose it.

Finally Brian continued. “I want you guys to stay together if I...I...”

“Bri, we could never...” A.J. started.

“You give to much to the world. That can’t stop even if I...can’t do it with you. I’ll still be there. I love you guys so much.” His voice cracked and he had to stop. Nick got up and sat on the edge of the bed. He put his arms around Brian and they stayed like that for a few minutes. Nick kept saying over and over “You are going to make it through this. I won’t let you go.”

“Come on guys, let’s say a quick prayer.” Said Kevin quietly. The six of us gathered hands and bowed our heads. After a moment of silence Kevin spoke up. “Dear Heavenly Father, we come to you today to ask that you be with everyone here. That we can all be strong for Brian. Please be with the doctors during these next few hours so that everything goes well. Please bring Harold and Jackie here safely and in time to spend some time with Bri before he goes in. And especially we ask that you put your hand on Brian. Give him strength and courage and keep him safe through his surgery. We ask all this in your name, Amen.” All that could be heard now was the occasional sniffling.

Finally the medicine started to take effect and Brian’s eyes grew heavy. Transport came in with the gurney that they would be taking Brian down on. Shari was there too. They helped Brian scoot onto the gurney and then covered him with a blanket. One of the transport guys said we could walk with them to the elevator. Nick held Brian’s hand all the way. Kevin walked right behind him. I felt a little unsteady and felt a hand on my back. It was Howie and I gave him a grateful smile. AJ walked by Howie. While we waited for the elevator to reach our floor we all gathered around Brian saying encouraging things to him.

His eyes kept falling shut, but he refused to give into it yet. Most of us had stopped crying except for Nick. Finally the elevator reached us and we had to say good-bye. AJ leaned forward.

“You’ll come through fine B-Rok. Just be the tough guy you always are.” He said huskily.

“That’s right, Bri. We are all here pulling for you. And we are going to be waiting to see that feisty grin when you come back.” Howie added, squeezing his other hand.

Brian smiled. “Thanks guys.” He looked at Nick, who was crying silently. “Frack, you hang in there okay? I’ll be back in a few hours. Don’t worry about me.” Nick didn’t say anything, but instead buried his head in Brian’s chest. His cries turned into sobs. Brian’s own eyes filled with tears once again. He wrapped his other arm around Nick and hugged him tightly. After a minute Howie came over and gently pulled Nick up and wrapped his own arms around him. Kevin leaned over to hug Brian too.

“Kevin....” Brian whispered.

“I know, little cuz, I know.” Kevin said, choked.

“Will you do me a favor?” Brian asked.

“Of course. Anything.”

“Will you take care of Nicky for me?”

Kevin nodded.

“I love you, cuz.” Brian whispered.

“I love you too.”

Kevin pulled away and we all watched as the transport guys pushed Brian’s gurney into the elevator. The doors shut and we all stood there crying. Kevin went over and took Nick into his arms and held him as he cried. It took a good ten minutes for all of us to compose ourselves.

“Let’s go to the surgery waiting room.” Suggested AJ.

“We might get recognized.” Pointed out Howie sensibly.

“I don’t care.” Said Nick.

AJ pushed the down button and we waited for an elevator. When it came we got on and I pushed one.

“Do we know where we are going?” Howie asked once we had stepped off the elevator.

“I do.” I said as I led the way. I felt unsteady and the dizziness I had felt earlier stayed with me. I tried to ignore it. When we reached the area designated for those who had family or friends in surgery, I nearly collapsed onto one of the hard couches.

Howie looked at me strangely, but I pretended not to notice.

Kevin led Nick over a couch and sat him down. Nick put his head in his hands and stayed that way. Kevin sat down next to him and rested a hand on his back. AJ paced back and forth in the small waiting room. Howie sat next to me and continued to glance at me every few minutes.

Almost a half an hour of this passed. Nothing happened and we all wondered if Brian had gone in yet. It was about the time where he should have. I sensed someone approaching and looked up. There was a man and woman walking towards us that looked vaguely familiar. Kevin jumped up.

“Harold! Jackie!” He rushed over to them and enveloped both of them into a three-way hug. It had to have been Brian’s parents. The rest of us got up and walked over to them.

“Did you get to see him?” Asked Howie.

Brian’s mom spoke up. “That is where we came from. We got to the pre-op room right after they brought him in. They took Brian into surgery about 5 minutes ago.” Her face was tear-stained and she looked tired. Her husband didn’t say anything, but had his arm around her supportively.

“How was he?” Asked Kevin quietly.

“Very drowsy. I think he was surprised to see us. He kept asking how we got here and if he was dreaming. He was pretty out of it.” Mrs. Littrell explained. She looked at me. “Now you must be Ellie. I was hoping I would get a chance to meet you and thank you for being there for Brian.”

I nodded. “I was glad to be there, Mrs. Littrell.”

“Oh honey, call me Jackie. And this is my husband, Harold. Although, you probably have figured that one out.” She smiled warmly at me.

He smiled at me, and I gave him a shy smile in return. They were so nice. Mr. Littrell hadn’t said a word, but I could see the concern in his eyes as plain as day. It was plainly obvious how much they loved their youngest son.

They went over to a quiet corner of the waiting room to start calling family to let them know that Brian had gone into surgery and to keep praying for him. The rest of us just sort of sat around. Except for AJ. He was still pacing around the room. Nick was still crying and Kevin still looked like a zombie. I stood up and walked over to the window on the other side of the waiting room. It had a small ledge much like the one in Brian’s room. Another wave of dizziness washed over me and I shot my hand out to the wall to steady myself. I hoped no one noticed. Everyone was worried enough about Brian and I didn’t need to add to it. I casually turned around after I climbed onto the ledge and thankfully no one was looking my way. I leaned my head against the glass and shut my eyes. Even though I had only gotten a couple hours asleep, I wasn’t really tired. I was getting a very big headache though. I looked up at everyone else. Howie met my gaze and came over to me.

“What’s wrong, El?” He looked at me seriously.

“What do you mean?” I tried to play dumb.

“You are acting sort of funny and earlier you looked like you were going to pass out. Are you sick?” His eyes were holding mine and I felt bad lying, but I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. Especially when I was sure it was just nerves.

“No. I’m fine. Really. Please don’t worry about me.” I smiled to reassure him.

“Want some company?”

“Sure, thanks.” I scooted over and he sat on the ledge with me.

Finally Harold and Jackie were done calling everyone and came over and sat down on one of the couches. I found myself watching the clock on the wall. The second hand seemed to mock me as it crept around the numbers. I think the clock must have been broken. Real time doesn’t move this slowly.

“A watched pot never boils.”

I jumped. Howie was grinning at me. “Huh?” What the heck was he talking about?

“You shouldn’t watch the clock. It makes it look like it is moving slower than usual.” He explained.

“Oh, I’ve heard that before.” I mumbled.

Howie didn’t say anything else, but patted my knee. The next hour took its time passing. I think we were getting antsy. He’d been in there for about an hour and a half and no one had come to tell us how he was. AJ still hadn’t stopped pacing, but at least Nick’s crying had subsided. He was staring off into space, much as Kevin had been doing. Howie stayed with me on the ledge. Brian’s parents were looking at one of the magazines although I noticed that neither of them had turned the page in quite awhile. All these “what ifs” kept coursing through my head, but I kept pushing them away. I didn’t even want to entertain the thought of anything bad happening.

Another hour passed with no word on the surgery.

“How long is this surgery supposed to take?” AJ finally asked, breaking the two and a half hour silence that had enveloped us.

“They said approximately three hours. Possibly a little longer.” Said Jackie with more calmness than I would have expected.

“Well it has been more than two hours and no one has told us what is going on. Why hasn’t anyone come out here?” AJ snapped.

“I don’t know, honey...” Jackie started.

Then, almost as if on cue, a man in scrubs came through the double doors that led into the surgery unit. We all stood up. I let out a soft groan as another wave of dizziness had its way with me.

“Littrell?” The man addressed us.

Jackie spoke up anxiously. “How is he?”

The doctor smiled. “We are still operating, but I just wanted to let all of you know that things are going very smoothly. I should expect that we will be finished in about a half an hour.”

“Thank you so much!” Jackie told him. He nodded at us and then went back through the double doors. We all let out a collective sigh of relief.

“Thank God!” Harold said quietly. I think it was the first thing I had heard him say since meeting him. He embraced his wife and she started to cry lightly.

I looked at the rest of the guys. Nick was grinning and shaking his head. AJ finally sat down for the first time since Brian went in and kicked his feet back on the table. Howie wrapped me up in a hug and I let a few tears slip too. We started to talk a little bit about random things. Well, mostly the guys talked to Jackie and Harold. I just listened. Actually Kevin didn’t say much either. I wondered why he was so quiet. I noticed that he usually didn’t talk a lot, but this was different. It sort of worried me.

When that next half hour came and went I started to get worried too. So did everyone else. The conversation had dwindled down to nothing and we just sort of looked at each other nervously. Twenty more minutes went by. AJ jumped up and started pacing again. It was dead silent in the waiting room and the only noise that could be heard was AJ pacing.

“AJ!! Stop it already!!” Nick exploded. My head shot up and looked at Nick in shock. We all stared at him expectantly. AJ froze and was looking at him too. I think even Nick was surprised at his own outburst. “Look, I’m sorry, but that is driving me nuts.”

“Nicky, don’t get all worked up. I’m sure he is fine.” Kevin said quietly.

“Then why hasn’t anyone come out here?” Nick countered.

Kevin didn’t respond. Ten minutes later another doctor came out. He looked flustered.

We all jumped up again, except for AJ who was already standing.

“Littrell family?”

“Yes.” Harold said.

“There were some complications during the surgery...” The doctor started.

Jackie gasped and Harold held onto her tightly. I felt like some one had punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. Nausea hit me like a cement truck. I grabbed the window ledge for support. Nick let out a cry that shook me to the core. I looked at him in time to see his legs give out and watch him crumble to the floor. Kevin was immediately next to him with his arms around him. Nick tried to fight him off, but Kevin wouldn’t budge.

The doctor continued. “We are doing the best we can, but I can’t give you a definite reassurance that Brian will be able to make it. Someone will be out to talk to you as soon as we know something more definite. I’m sorry.” With that he turned around and went back through the double doors.

Nobody could say anything. Jackie was crying and so was Nick. He was still on the floor with Kevin. AJ was frozen on the spot like he didn’t know what had just happened. Howie was still next to me, but I didn’t turn my head for fear that I would get sick. I honestly felt like I was going to throw up.

“This can’t be happening.” I whispered.

Nick was sobbing. “I don’t understand. The doctor said everything went smoothly. What happened? He can’t die. He can’t. Please, God, don’t let him die.”

AJ made his way to the double doors and tried to look inside the surgery unit. There was a small glass square that served as a window on each door, but it was the filmy kind of glass that you can’t see through. Even if he had been able to see, all that he would have seen was a hallway.

“No.” Jackie said forcefully. “They said before that he wouldn’t make it and I didn’t believe it then. I gave it to God and I am going to do that now.” She was still crying and she looked awfully pale, but there was strength in her words. So we all gathered close together and started praying. I don’t think I had ever prayed so hard in my life. We prayed for almost and hour out loud and silently to ourselves. I think it brought us peace. Then out of the blue Jackie looked up sharply at the double doors. We followed her gaze and sure enough a moment later a somber looking doctor came through them. It was the same one that came through the first time. We all stood up once again and waited in anticipation for him to speak. I ignored the nausea and dizziness and held my breath. I think we were all afraid of what he would tell us.

“He just came out of surgery. We were able to fix the complication and it looks like he is going to be just fine.”

Upon hearing those words, my world went black and I fainted.