[As I am writing this, I can feel Brian’s pain. Literally. For the better part of the day it’s felt like someone’s kicked me in the chest. That can’t be good, huh? Anyway, enjoy and pretty please-with-a-cherry-review?]

Nick gave me a dirty look as we left Brian’s room. “What was that all about?”

“He needs to do this on his own. I’m sure he appreciated you trying to help, but this is something he needs to work through.” I said gently.

Nick shook his head. “Whatever you say. What did you want to talk to me about?”

I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was frustrated. I didn’t blame him, as I was too. “We could go to the waiting room and start trying to call some of those numbers.”

“Okay.”

I rested a hand on his arm. “We’re gonna get through this.”

He sighed softly. “I know.”

We didn’t talk again until we got back to the waiting room. Kevin was the only one in there and to my great shock, he was buried in a book. Note the sarcasm. Actually, I would love nothing more than a good book to take me away from everything. That was part of why I liked books so much. Sometimes my life got to be a little too much for me and all I had to do was pick up a book and I could become a part of someone else’s life for awhile. It was that with writing too, it was a release.

“Hey you guys.” Kevin said, looking up from his novel.

I gave a weak smile and Nick mumbled something incoherent and slumped down on the smaller of the two couches. Kevin raised an eyebrow at me in question.

“Brian’s physical therapist came by and his speech therapist is supposed to come by after that. She started asking Brian something and she wasn’t too happy when Nick tried to answer for him.” I explained.

“She should have read his chart before she started trying to ask him shit.” Nick groused.

“Maybe she did and wants to try to get him to practice using his voice.” Kevin suggested.

He got a dirty look in return, but Kevin just shrugged it off and went back to his book. I shifted my feet, that awkward feeling passing over me again. I immediately pushed it away.

“Come on Nick, lets see if we can borrow a conference room and...” I trailed off.

“We can’t do it here?” Nick looked at me.

“No, uh, I’d uh rather not.” I stammered.

“What are you guys up to? You aren’t getting into trouble are you?” Kevin raised an eyebrow again, putting his book down slowly.

“No, no, just uh, I wanted to uh...” I threw Nick a helpless look.

“...talk to me about something.” He finished for me, giving me a weird look.

“Okay, but don’t be getting into trouble. I mean it guys, now’s not the time.” He gave us a pointed look and I flushed. It was my rash decision to go to the hotel that got us caught by Leon and by that herd of girls. Then me falling down the stairs was the last thing they needed to be dealing with. He’d given the look to both of us, but I knew it had to have been directed at me. After all, I was the outsider. Almost immediately I cursed myself for starting that shit again, but the gnawing feeling inside me grew.

Out in the hall, Nick turned to me. “Why didn’t you want to do it in there?”

“I don’t know. I guess cause if this doesn’t work, I am going to feel like an idiot and I don’t want to get anyone else’s hopes up.” I said softly.

“Oh so you can get my hopes up?” He asked.

I ducked my head.

“Ellie, I was kidding.” He tipped my chin up and I saw that he was smiling.

I forced a smile. “I knew that.”

A nurse let us into a small conference room and we immediately set to work calling numbers. With every failed call, I got more and more discouraged. More than an hour had passed and neither one of us had gotten anywhere. I started to feel really stupid and was beating myself up for getting Nick involved in my dumb idea. I could see the frustration in his eyes and I knew he wanted nothing more than to be able to find Lee for his best friend. I took a deep breath, trying to squelch the knot in my stomach. I felt like a volcano that was getting ready to just explode from the pressure.

“W-A-L-L-A-C-E...Yes, that’s what I said...Ok, thank you.” I hit end and slammed my hand down on the small table. “Dammit!” I exclaimed.

Nick jumped, startled by my outburst. “Ellie?”

I shook my head, trying to keep from crying. I hated crying and when I got really overwhelmed and frustrated, I cried. “Ah, I’m going to go check on Brian and get some coffee. You want to come?”

“I’m going to call the rest of this page, there are only a few left. I’ll meet you there okay?” Nick replied.

I nodded wordlessly, trying to ignore his worried look. I was the last one he needed to worry about here. The walk to Brian’s room seemed really long and I kept trying to ignore the voice in my head that told me I didn’t belong. We had already gone over this, I was going to leave earlier and Nick had come after me, talked some sense into me and things were okay again. But then I fell down the stairs, giving them more to worry about that they didn’t need. I swallowed the lump in my throat and knocked on Brian’s door. I waited a moment, but there was no answer. I knocked again and finally decided to just go in.

“Brian?” I whispered.

There was no one in the room so I guessed the physical therapist had already left. His back was to me. When I called his name he didn’t move so I thought he might be asleep.

“Brian?” I repeated, my voice hesitant. Then I saw his shoulders shaking slightly. “Oh god, Bri, are you okay?”

He still didn’t move until I took a step closer. He turned slowly, his eyes red. He held a hand up at me, shaking his head.

I froze. “Brian, what’s wrong? The therapy...?”

He shook his head again and put his hand back out as if to ward me away. He looked pretty upset. My guess was that it hadn’t gone well, his overwhelmed and despair-filled eyes telling it all.

I took another step forward and he shook his head, before turning away.

“Brian, please, don’t...” I pleaded, my voice cracking.

He continued to shake his head and my heart dropped. “You want me to get Nick for you?” I asked softly, it cracking once again.

He barely nodded, still not facing me.

Hot tears brimmed my eyes as I turned and fled through the door. I ran down the hall, crashing solidly into someone.

“Ellie?!” Nick exclaimed, holding my arms to steady me.

I broke away, cursing the tears that were streaming down my face. “Brian needs you. He’s really upset.”

“Oh god, come on.” He started down the hall, pulling me behind him.

I pulled out of his grasp. “He didn’t want me in there, Nick. I asked him if I should get you and he nodded.”

“Ellie, that’s ridiculous, why would he not want you there?” Nick shifted his eyes between me and the hallway towards Brian.

“Just go, please. He needs you, don’t worry about me.” I gave him a gentle shove. He looked at me, concern in his eyes. “Go, dammit!” I exclaimed.

He nodded and squeezed my shoulder before turning and running down the hall. I watched him go, my vision blurred from the tears. That only made me even more upset. I had no right to be upset. No right! Who was I to get upset. I wasn’t apart of their world. I knew they cared about me, but that didn’t make me apart of it. I wanted nothing more than to help and be there for them, but hell, so did every one of those people that held a vigil outside the hospital. What right did I have to get involved in all of this. I would take all their pain away in a heartbeat, but it still didn’t change anything. As all these thoughts swam through my mind, I wanted to scream. Part of me wanted to tell myself to shut the hell up and listen to what Nick had said earlier, but another part of me knew it was true. I wasn’t upset at Brian for pushing me away. He was upset and didn’t need more trouble. And Trouble I was.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I turned and ran. I was at least smart enough to stay away from the stairs this time. Several people on the elevator gave me strange looks. I don’t know if it was because they had recognized me from the news or wondered why I was standing there, head down, watching the tears splash onto the ground. As soon as the door to the lobby opened, I dashed out into the lobby. I didn’t care how much attention I attracted. I just knew that the walls were closing in and I was hurting and I need out. I ran through the main doors, ignoring the questions and camera flashes. Who was I to be having people take my picture and wanting to ask me a million questions? I was just a college nobody. Why couldn’t they see that?!

There were several empty cabs sitting in front of the patient pick up and drop off point. Probably from the reporters and masses of people. I jerked open the door and threw myself in.

“Drive!” I cried, burying my face in my hands.

“Miss? Are you okay? Where do you need to go?” A slightly alarmed and concerned voice asked from in front of me.

“I don’t care, anywhere but here. Just get me out of here, please.” I begged, sobbing. The car pulled away and the distance between me and the hospital grew. I thought I would have felt better, but instead I only felt worse. But I couldn’t go back, not now.