My throat constricted and I started to slowly shake my head back and forth. Seeing the body of someone I cared about underneath a sheet wasn’t something I handled all that well. This certainly wasn’t an exception. Unable to stand it, I whirled around and made a dash for the ICU doors. Before I even made it five feet, a pair of arms wrapped around me in a tight embrace.
“Let me go!” I cried, tears already falling.
“Ellie! It’s not him! It isn’t Brian!” AJ soothed in my ear, holding me tightly. The words didn’t register and I continued to struggle against him. I couldn’t see anything but that damned sheet over the bed. My overwhelmed mind swam between past and present and I was totally unprepared for this assault.
“Ellie! Honey, come on, look at me.” AJ urged, his voice soft, but firm. Slowly, I ceased in my struggles and let him turn me to face him. I stared up at him, my eyes glazed. “Listen to me El. That wasn’t Brian. Brian’s still in his room. Sleeping.” His words were slow and his expressive brown eyes were full of worry.
“H-he’s alive?” I stammered.
AJ nodded.
“Oh thank God!” I gasped, falling into AJ’s open arms. He held me tightly while I cried. As I tried to comprehend everything, it still didn’t make sense to me. “B-but they called Brian’s doctor and wh-when Howie and I c-came in here, everyone l-looked so upset!” I sobbed.
“Nick was in with Brian and Brian started having a nightmare or something. He started having a hard time breathing, but the code they called over the PA was never for him. Nick’s just shook up from seeing it all happen.” AJ explained.
I pulled away. “But th- the...” I broke off, unable to say it.
“The boy next door to Brian stopped breathing at the same time. Dr. Johanson happened to be his doctor too.” Kevin added.
I didn’t even notice him appear by AJ’s side. He still had an arm around a shaken Nick. Howie stood on the other side now, looking worriedly between Nick and I.
“I think we all thought the code was for Brian. He wasn’t really ever in any danger though. He just gave us a scare.” Kevin continued.
“Excuse me. I’m going to have to ask you all to wait outside the ICU for now. Someone will get let you all know when Brian wakes up.” A nurse interrupted.
Kevin nodded. “We understand.”
As we all headed towards our waiting room, Nick stayed back with me. He didn’t say anything, but walked side by side with me. I was in another world, remembering things and trying to get a grip on myself. The other three walked ahead of us and seemed to be having a hushed conversation.
“She was way shook up about that.” AJ observed, his voice low.
“AJ, she walked into the hall after they called a code blue on Brian’s floor, with Brian’s doctor and saw a bed coming out of a room that could have been Brian’s bed with a sheet over it. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t too far behind.” Howie pointed out.
“I realize that, D, but you didn’t see her eyes. Even when I tried to tell her that it wasn’t Brian, it’s like she wasn’t even in the same room as us.” AJ mused.
“I don’t know AJ. We were all pretty overwhelmed by that bed. It was probably a lot for her. Not to mention, God knows what is going on in her head right now.” Kevin put in.
AJ shook his head. “I think there is more to her than she is telling us.”
Howie stopped and put a hand out to stop AJ. “Man, I know you. Don’t go there. If there is something she isn’t telling us, there is a reason for that. She ran once and I don’t want that to happen again. Just don’t push her okay?”
AJ rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t planning on it. ‘Scuse me for being concerned.”
“AJ...” Kevin started, but after a pause, thought better of it. Instead he directed his attention to Howie. “Where did you find her?”
“Two security guards were trying to usher her out the back door. Apparently they had just called the code blue and she was already freaking out. I literally ran into her as the guards were pushing her out. We came immediately up here.” Howie relayed.
“Did she say why she ran away? Nick said something about her thinking that Brian was upset with her?” Kevin glanced back to see the youngest two trailing behind them.
“That’s what she said in the elevator on the way up here. She thought that Brian didn’t want her in with him. But, she seemed upset about leaving. I think she’s really confused.” Howie said.
“No doubt. We’ll talk to her in the waiting room.” Kevin decided.
“Yes, I do.” She said softly, tears streaming down her small face. Another of her friends stood by her. They shared the same room together and they also shared the same loss.
“Why, sweetheart?” The nurse asked, her voice choking up.
“I don’t know.” Ellie admitted. “Closure, I think.” But even as she said the words, she started backing into her room, unable to watch any longer. Ellie’s roommate, not much older than Ellie, also went back into the room. She climbed on Ellie’s bed where the younger was already curled up, trying desperately to be strong.
The nurse followed the girls, her heart aching. ‘Closure, I think.’ The words echoed in the pretty nurse’s head. Such a difficult concept for such a young girl to have to understand. Not knowing what else to do, she sat down between her two young patients and put her arms around them, trying to comfort them the best she knew how.
“El? Ellie?”
I shook myself. Nick was staring at me.
“Are you okay?” He asked quietly.
“Are you?” I countered. Being the one that had been with Brian when he started having trouble, Nick had gone through the worst of it. It’d definitely shaken him up. He looked about the way he did when Brian was in surgery and when we thought he wasn’t going to pull through.
“It was scary Ellie.” He admitted. “He started crying out and it sounded like he couldn’t get any air. The heart monitor started making all these funky noises and the nurses ushered me out of the room. I couldn’t really tell what was going on and then they called the code. I almost lost it completely, but then a bunch of people rushed into the room next door and I knew it wasn’t Brian. I was so relieved. God, I know that sounds awful and I feel like an awful person. But I can’t help it. I’m glad that it wasn’t Brian. Do you think I’m awful?” He looked at me with those deep blue eyes of his and my heart went out to him.
“No, hun. That doesn’t make you awful. You can be relieved that it wasn’t Brian without being glad it was someone else. Just because you didn’t want it to be Bri doesn’t specifically wanted it to be someone else. One doesn’t necessarily have to mean the other, ya know what I mean?” I assured him.
He nodded. “I guess that makes me feel a little better.” By now we had all taken seats in our private little room again. It was quiet for a moment, no one really knowing what to say or where to start.
Finally Nick spoke. “Ugh, I don’t ever want to go through that again.”
“I didn’t either.” I replied softly. You wish you could take their place, but there isn’t a damn thing you can do. Just like now. In a heartbeat I would take this for Brian, but it wasn’t in my hands. One of the hardest lessons in life is that there are a lot of things you can’t control. You can only make the best of the situation you are given.
“Guys, I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have run away like I did. Especially after you already had to convince me of that once, Nick. I got too caught up in my own misery and insecurities. I know you told me otherwise, but I just didn’t feel like I belonged here. With you guys, I mean. I mean, this is all so personal and here I am, a virtual stranger, in y’alls shadows. Any given fan outside right now would give their left nut to be in here with you guys, supporting you, doing what they could, yet, here I am. I‘m no one special.”
“Ellie...” Nick started.
“Let me finish.” I interrupted. “When I met Brian in the coffee shop last Monday, one of the first things he said to me was that nothing was chance. I’ve believed that since I was old enough to understand how life worked. It was an early lesson and a hard one, but everything happens for a reason. Even though none of us understand why, there is a reason for why Brian is going through this. And if in that situation there is a reason for it, then there must be a reason why I’m here with you guys. Even if that is hard for me to understand, I need to accept that.” I let out a long breath as I finished, anxious at what they were going to say.
Kevin smiled. “Finally, she talks some sense.”
I stared at him, mildly shocked. Did the man just tease me?
AJ laughed at my expression. “Yeah, amazing isn’t it?”
Kevin glowered at him. “You’re hilarious.”
“Does this mean you’ll quit with this whole ‘left out’ crap?” Nick inquired.
“Tactful, Nick, real tactful.” AJ muttered, disgustedly.
“That isn’t what I meant Bonehead. For the past several days, I’ve been watching her torture herself with these feelings of insecurity and shit and I hate seeing her go through that. You all know I have had my fair share of that I don’t want to see her feel that way. I kept trying to reassure her, but when you have that stuck in your head, there isn’t much anyone can say to change that.” Nick elaborated.
I could feel my cheeks flush with heat. I wasn’t used to people reading me that easily. Over the years I’d mastered the art of covering up my emotions and to have someone pinpoint them so easily was sort of unnerving. Little did I know, Nick wasn’t the only one who was reading in a little deeper than I was letting out.
But then again, by running away twice, I wasn’t exactly making my feelings a huge secret. Sometimes it just got too hard to hold it all inside.
“Yes, Nick, it means I’m going to stop with the ‘left out crap‘.” I laughed. Then I ducked my head and added softly, “but, um, you might have to reassure me now and again, just in case.”
“We’ll do what we have to, kiddo. You being here is important to all of us.” Howie smiled at me.
“Thank you.” I smiled back, a feeling a lot better. “So Brian is okay right?”
“Yeah, it was just a nightmare. His heart rate increased which was why the monitors went nuts. He was probably causing himself some pain by the moving around he was doing, but they gave him a sedative and he’ll probably sleep straight through the night. His next speech therapy is tomorrow morning and they want him to at try to at least walk to the nurses station and back.” Kevin replied.
I shuddered. “He was so upset this morning after his first one. Did he talk about it at all?”
Nick shook his head. “I tried a couple of times, but all he said was that it was hopeless.” He stopped, swallowing hard. “He said it like he felt like giving up.”
My heart skipped a beat. “He wouldn’t do that.”
Kevin glanced at me before putting a hand on Nick’s knee. “Come on Nicky. We all know how strong Bri is. He won’t give up.”
“You don’t know that! None of us know how hard this is for him. If he feels like it’s hopeless, why wouldn’t he give up?” Nick demanded.
“Because, he’s Brian!” I exclaimed.
“Everyone has their limits, Ellie. A person can only go through so much before it becomes too much.” Nick argued, leaning forward, putting his head in his hands. The other guys quietly watched us go back and forth.
“Yes, a person can only go through so much, but that’s where faith comes in. Having faith is the only thing that gets you through stuff like this. Brian has a lot of faith, you know he does. That is going to carry him through this. Even if he gets discouraged, and I think he probably is, his faith isn’t going to let him give up. No matter how hard or hopeless it gets. His family, his friends and his faith is going to get him through this.” I said emphatically.
Nick looked up at me. “How are you so sure? You say that with such conviction. How is your faith in this so strong? How do you know faith is so strong?”
“Because I wouldn’t be here without it.” I replied softly.
AJ shot a pointed look to Kevin. “What do you mean?”
I shook my head. “Nevermind. I’m going to go get some coffee. Anyone want to come?”
“I could use some.” Howie admitted.
Nick stood up. “I’m going back to ICU.” He announced, casting a scowl in my direction. The door shut heavily behind him.
“Don’t take it personally, El. I don’t think he meant that towards you.” Kevin said gently. He looked nervous, like he thought I would get all wigged and bolt again.
“I know.” I nodded to show I meant it. “He’s under a lot of stress.”
“We all are.” Howie added.
“I know, that’s why I know not to take it personally.” I smiled sadly at him. He gave me a quick hug before we headed out for our coffee.
Kevin and AJ watched them leave and as soon as the door clicked shut, AJ turned to Kevin. “I told you.”
“You told me what?” Kevin leaned against the couch, picking up the newspaper.
“There’s something she hasn’t told us. I mean, did you hear all that? That wasn’t just shooting the shit, she was talking from experience.” AJ observed.
“Do you think you can manage one sentence without being vulgar?” Kevin muttered from behind the newspaper.
“No. Come on Kevin, don’t you care?” AJ pressed.
“Alex, seriously. Why is it so important?” Kevin sighed, trying not to get exasperated.
“Well, it isn’t really. I just like being right.” He replied smugly.
Kevin groaned audibly. “Give it a rest.”
AJ fell silent, deep in thought. After about five minutes he spoke up. “Kevin?”
“What, AJ?”
“Do you think it’s true?”
“Do I think what’s true?”
“Do believe that faith will get you through anything?” AJ asked softly.
Kevin lowered the paper slowly and looked at his younger bandmate. AJ watched him, waiting for his response.
“I think so. I mean, I hope so.” Kevin replied, slowly.
“Cause if he is losing hope and faith is all he has left, it seems like it should be easy. Have the faith and his voice will come back and he will be okay right? Bam, problem solved right? In theory, it should be a piece of cake.” AJ rushed on, almost desperately.
“I guess so. In theory...” Kevin said thoughtfully.
“Then why is it so hard?” AJ whispered, his voice cracking.
“I don’t know.” Kevin admitted, his heart breaking at the pain in AJ’s eyes. This was the AJ that the real world didn’t get to see. Even the guys didn’t get to see him like this very often. A flippant attitude, nonchalant behavior and smooth wisecracks were merely a facade to mask so many emotions. Now as they started to slip through the cracks, Kevin could only wrap his arms around the struggling singer and try to comfort him the best he could.
