After three games of bowling we decided that we were hungry. We paid for our games and went back to Brian’s Jeep. We drove around for a little while looking for a restaurant that looked good and wasn’t too busy. I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened in the bowling alley. Brian had scared me to death. I really thought he was going to pass out.

“Hello? Ground control to Ellie. Anyone there?” Brian asked, interrupting my thoughts.

“What?”
“How does Denny’s sound? There aren’t very many cars there.” Brian glanced at me as we approached it.

I shrugged. “That sounds fine to me.”
Brian parked the jeep and looked at me again. “I know you are upset that I beat you so bad on the first game, but hey, what can I say? I’m just better than you!” He joked. I think he knew what was really on my mind and was trying to avert my attention from it.

I screwed up my face at him. “You are a dork, Brian. C’mon let’s go in. I’m hungry.”
As luck would have it we got a booth towards the back. It was pretty late in the afternoon so it wasn’t very busy. We would beat the dinner rush. I took the side that faced the rest of the restaurant and Brian took the other side. After we sat down a tired looking, middle-aged waitress came over to our table.

“Hi, I’m Ann and I will be your server. Can I get you something to drink?” she smiled at us. I ordered a lemonade and Brian ordered a Dr. Pepper. Ann started to walk away when she suddenly stopped and whirled around. “Hey, you look really familiar! Aren’t you one of those Backstreet Boys? My daughter has posters of you guys all over her walls.” she exclaimed.

I laughed as Brian nodded to the woman. “I’d appreciate it if you could keep it a secret that I’m here though.” he said to her.

“Sure thing, honey. Will you sign your autograph for my daughter though? It would make her day.”
Brian smiled and said, “Sure.” He scrawled his name on the piece of paper that Ann had held out to him.

Ann beamed and surprisingly she didn’t look quite as tired anymore. “Oh thank you! You are a doll!” She took our orders and hurried away to get our drinks.

“I think you made her day.” I observed to Brian.

“I try.” He said with a smile. Ann came back a few minutes later with our food.

We bantered back and forth for a few minutes and then I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Brian, you have to level with me here. You gave me a real scare back in the bowling alley. I thought we were going to have to call an ambulance. What is going on?” I said with concern in my voice.

He sighed. “It’s my heart.” He said quietly. “It has another hole in it.”

My mouth dropped in shock. “What?” Was all I could utter.

“The ‘meeting’ I have tomorrow is a doctor appointment with a specialist. For the past month I have been feeling really tired. I didn’t think much of it until I started getting dizzy spells, mild fevers, chest pains, etc... It got pretty bad one night after a concert so the guys took me to the ER. They did some X-Rays and ran a couple tests. They said that it looked like I had another hole in my heart. On the back side of it. I called my doctor back home and he referred me to a specialist here at your very own St. Johns. They are going to decide when and if they can operate on it.” He said numbly. “I still can’t believe it.” He added.

“Oh, Brian. I am so sorry.” I reached across the table and put my hand on top of his. “Wait, though, I thought that the surgery you had in ‘98 was to prevent this from happening?” I asked.

“It was, but I guess a new hole formed.” he shrugged.

I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better so I just squeezed his hand.

His voice shook a little as he spoke. “I don’t know if I can go through all that again. It was hard the first time, but it was different. That surgery was elective. I had a choice. Now I don’t. They said that more than likely they will have to operate on it and that it would be a more difficult operation. I hate hospitals. They make me so nervous.”
I tried to reassure him. “Brian, I know you will pull through this okay. Obviously God wanted you to be here or you never would have lived back when they first found out about what was wrong with you when you were so young. Look at all the people that are with you. Your family, Leighanne, the group, all your millions of fans.”
“I know. This is just so hard. Harder than last time.” he said, his voice low.

There was a heavy silence for a few minutes. Finally I broke the silence. “Thank you for telling Brian. That means a lot to me.”
He nodded. “For some reason I really feel like I can talk to you about it. Like you understand.”
“Well, in a way I can. I have a lung condition and I have spent an unbelievable amount of time in the hospital. When I was younger I was a lot sicker and I was in there for anywhere from 3-5 weeks every few months. It was a way of life. It even got to where they evaluated me for a lung transplant. I’m doing a lot better now, but I have my days.”
Now it was Brian’s turn to stare at me in shock. “Wow, Ellie! I had no idea. I guess you can sort of understand where I am coming from then.”
I nodded.

“How did you do it? Spend so much time in the hospital, I mean. Weren’t you scared?”
“Honestly? Not really. They have been so much a part of my life that I am about as comfortable there as I am at home. Well, almost.” I added laughing at the incredulous look he gave me. “I think the key is to make being there about as normal as possible. I had people bring me edible food...” He laughed at that. “I brought stuff from my own home to make it more personable, went outside as much as possible, decorated my room.” I trailed off.

He was watching me nodding. “I did a lot of that stuff, but still...”

“Well one thing that makes a big difference is that I had friends in there with me, who had the same thing I do, that made everything seem a little more normal. They understood how I felt so I wasn’t as lonely.”
He seemed deep in thought and then he looked into my eyes and said something that made my heart melt. “Will you come see me and help keep me from feeling so lonely?” He looked so vulnerable at that moment that I nearly cried.

“Of course I will. If you really want me to.” I assured him. I couldn’t believe that he would want me there. We had just met today and he is asking me to spend time with him in the hospital.

As if reading my thoughts he said, “I know we only met today, but I feel like I know you. Like you kind of understand what I am going through. I think you and me are going to be great friends!”
I smiled so big and nodded when he said that. My pager vibrated against my waist startling me. I looked down and read what it said. The numbers spelled out “I Love You” followed by Jack’s code. I sighed with relief.

“What?” Asked Brian.

“My boyfriend just paged me to let me know he was there and safe. I was wondering what took him so long, but I guess he forgot to page me when he actually got there. His plane should have landed a long time ago.” I told him. “By the way, where is Leighanne again?”
He frowned. “She is in Northern Europe on a big photo shoot thing. Of all the times to be out of town, huh? She left right after that doctor appointment I told you about. She didn’t want to go, but I insisted that I would be fine and that I would tell her as soon as I knew when they were going to do the surgery, if they are.”
I shook my head. “That figures.”
“What?” he demanded.

“You! I think that’s sweet. You are dealing with this huge issue and you are still trying to put her first.” I grinned at him.

“Well there is no need for her to screw up her career baby-sitting me when we don’t even know what is going to happen yet.” He said matter-of-factly.

“I guess you have a point.” I said.

“So, after we are done eating do you wa-” He stopped mid-sentence and set the sandwich he was holding back on the plate. He shut is eyes and took a deep breath.

“Brian!” I exclaimed, alarmed. Something was wrong.

His right hand flew up to his chest and his other hand grabbed the table as if to ground himself. He moaned very softly.

“Brian! What is it? What is happening?!” My voice got a little louder.

“I don’t know. My...my heart. My chest hurts and...I can’t breathe...very well.” He gasped.

“I’m calling an ambulence!” I jumped up, but Brian grabbed my arm before I could go anywhere.

“No!” he protested. “That’ll attract...too much...attention!” he said, still gasping. His face was starting to look pale.

I thought quickly. “Okay, then I am taking you to the ER right now.” I insisted. I grabbed his car keys off the table.

He was going to protest again, but instead he twisted his face and groaned again. “I don’t know...if I can...stand up. Everything...is spinning.” He gasped.

“I’ll help you! C’mon. Put your arm around my shoulder.” I helped him to his feet and put my arm around his waist. His was over my shoulder and he leaned on me for support. I dug in my pocket and tossed a $20 on the table. We started for the door and about halfway there Brian nearly keeled over. If I hadn’t been holding on to him, he would have fallen.

“C’mon Brian. We’re almost to the car. You’re doing great. Keep going.” I coached. I barely noticed people staring at us. It seemed like an eternity, but it was actually more like 30 seconds before we made it to his jeep. I helped him climb into the jeep and rushed around to the drivers side.

“Can...you drive...a standard?” He gasped.

“Yeah.” I made a mental note to thank Jack later for teaching me a couple months ago.
I started the ignition and wasted no time getting onto the main road. I threw a glance over to Brian and was unnerved to see that his face had grown even more pale and he was starting to sweat. I shifted gears and grabbed his hand. It was cold and clammy.

“Brian. Are you doing okay?! Don’t do anything funny on me here!” I said. I tried not to let him hear the fear in my voice. If I panicked, then he might too.

“Ellie...do me a favor...call...Kevin. It’s number 4...on the...speed dial.” He said. His voic was getitng very soft.

Brian’s cell phone was on the seat between us. I picked it up and punched 4 Send. It only rang once before it picked up.

“Brian! It’s about time, man! Where have you been? We’ve been a little worried about you.” Came a deep voice.

“This isn’t Brian. He’s with me and something is wrong with his heart. I’m taking him to the emergency room.” I said in a rush.

“What?! Who are you?” the voice that I assumed belonged to Kevin demanded. The tone in his voice must have gotten one of the other guys’ attention because I heard someone in the background.

“My name is Ellie and I have been with Brian all day. We are on our way to...” I started.

“Nick, hold on. I need to hear what she is saying.” he interrupted. “Go on.” he told me.

“I’m going to St. John’s. Do you...” I got interrupted again. I looked over at Brian. He was looking worse by the second.

“Nick! I don’t know! Shut up for a minute!” Kevin said sharply. The voice in the background disappeared.

“Okay, I am going to tell you how to get there. Where are you?” I asked Kevin.

He named a hotel that I was familiar with. I told him the fastest way to get there.

“Have you called AJ and Howie?” Kevin asked.

I started to answer, but when I looked over at Brian I saw that he was starting to slump over in his seat.

“Sonofabitch!” I swore. I flipped the phone shut, hanging up on Kevin, and dropped it in my lap. “Come on! Stay with me, Bri, stay with me. We’re almost there. Hang on.” I reached my hand over to him and shook his shoulder. His breathing was very ragged and suddenly he went totally limp.

“BRIAN!” I screamed. “Don’t do this to me!! Brian!! Open your eyes!” I looked carefully at his chest and almost lost it when I didn’t see it moving. I had to take a deep breath and order myself not to panic and keep driving the car. I was completely terrified.

I flew into the ambulance drop off area and pulled right up to the doors. I laid on my horn for a second before I jumped out of the car and ran over to Brian’s side.

“Please! Someone help me!!” I screamed. The doors flew open and a half a dozen paramedics ran towards me. “Please help him. He isn’t breathing!” I was frantic.

“What happened, miss?” asked one of them as they lifted him onto a gurney.

One of them checked for a pulse and another began to bag him.

“He has a heart condition. He just found out that he has a hole in his heart last week and he had an appointment here tomorrow to have it looked at.” I said in a rush as I ran along beside them into the emergency room.

A nurse looked at him in shock. “Isn’t this a Backstreet Boy?!” she exclaimed.

“Yes! His name is Brian Littrell. He had heart sugery a few years ago. Please tell me he is going to be okay!” I said fearfully.

Just then one of the doctors announced, “His heart stopped! Move it people! Get him into room three.” One of the paramedics jumped up onto the gurney and began to do CPR.

Once again I almost lost it. “Nooo!” I tried to scream, but it came out as a hoarse whisper. They pushed him into a room with big double doors. I started to follow, but one of them shouted, “Miss! You can’t be in here. You are going to have to wait outside the room.”
“Please! I need to be with him!” I cried desperately.

“We need to be able to work on him and we can’t do that with you in here!”
One of the nurses led me outside the doors and rushed back in. I stood by the window and watched helplessly. They were hooking all kinds of things to him and I saw one of the doctors reach for the paddles he would use to shock Brian. I wanted to turn away, but I couldn’t move.

“Charging...200...Clear!” he shouted. I saw Brian’s body jump into the air and I let out a small cry. I looked at the heart monitor. BEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....

“Again! Charging...300...Clear!” he shouted again. My knees nearly buckled and I almost fell. BEEEEEEEEEEEEE....

“Damn! Again! Charging...360...Clear!” he yelled in frustration.

‘Please, God, don’t take him away from us. Not yet. The world isn’t ready for you to take him yet.’ I prayed frantically. BEEEEEEEEE...Beep...Beep...Beep...

“Alright, start bagging him!” Everyone flew into action. I let out the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. I was shaking so bad that I didn’t know how much longer before my legs would give out. I didn’t know what else to do so I prayed. I watched them try to save Brian’s life and prayed.