I would do anything to be with you again (c) Nanci Low 1999 "We've had our good times and bad, baby what is sad, I miss you girl, oh yes I do, now that you're gone away, it's hard for me to say, I miss you girl, oh yes I do..." "How's the food?" Sophy asked. Nick stared blankly back at her. For a moment, he had been thinking about the last time he had come to this restaurant. That was when he and his girlfriend Nanci had still been together six months ago. It was one of Nanci's favorite restaurants. She absolutely adored their coffeecake and would never leave unless she had had a piece of it. 'No, I can't do this, I'm supposed to be moving on...' Nick thought, shaking his head mentally. "Nick?" Sophy said again, a look of concern coming over her face. "Huh? Oh the food's great, I was just thinking about something," he said, smiling at her smoothly, not daring to tell her the truth, that he had been thinking about his girlfriend again. 'Make that ex-girlfriend Carter, she dumped you, remember?' Nick thought, a pang of pain shooting through him at the thought. As Sophy went on about her day, he listened to her half-heartedly, wishing he had not let Dani, Kevin's girlfriend talk him into going out with Sophy. It wasn't that he didn't like Sophy, he just couldn't see himself together with her like he had been with Nanci. Today was his third date with Sophy. She was extremely witty in a sacarstic sort of way, which was a change from the usual girls he knew. But she just wasn't Nanci. Thinking about Nanci, Nick sighed. They had been together for three years till she had broken up with him five months ago and he still couldn't get over it. He didn't know why she broke up with him then and still didn't know now. All he knew was what she told him. That she didn't love him anymore, that she had found someone else. But in his heart, he knew it wasn't true. If she had found someone else who could love her more, she wouldn't have cried when she told him to leave, she wouldn't not take his calls when he called her. Instead, she hung up on him, she avoided him even when he tried to run into her at her best friend Denise's house. There was a different sort of explanation for it all but it wasn't that she didn't love him. He refused to believe that because he loved her too much. He needed that last shred of hope too much to give up. "I just wanna let you know that the love I have is real but girl I really wanna show the way I feel... I'd do anything to be with you again, just name the place and I would be there, oh tell me why can't I have the one I love, just like the way it used to be..." With a sudden flare of inspiration, Nick stood up. Sophy looked at him curiously, wondering why he was standing up in the middle of dinner. "Is something wrong?" she asked. "No, I just have to go to the bathroom that's all," he replied. Walking away, he took out his cell phone from his jacket pocket, making sure first that Sophy wasn't watching. In the bathroom, he dialed a familiar number. It rang four times before someone picked up. "Nanci?" he whispered, hardly daring to believe that she would talk to him. "No, I'm sorry she's in the bathroom," an unfamiliar male voice replied, "May I know who is calling?" "Um... A friend, it's ok, I'll call back later," Nick said, breaking off the call before there were any further questions. He put the phone back into his pocket but didn't return to Sophy immediately. Instead, he stared at his reflection in the spotless bathroom mirror, wondering why he was putting himself through so much hell for a woman who couldn't even return half the love he felt for her. @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- "Gary, who was that on the phone?" Nanci asked, drying her hands on one of the kitchen towels as she came out of the bathroom. Propping herself onto the counter in her tiny kitchen, she watched as her next door neighbor and close friend attempted to fix the leaky tap that had been plaguing her for the last few weeks. He didn't answer her right away. Twisting the spanner one last time, he gave a short grunt. "There, it's fixed, I think." Removing the tool away, he looked at the tap confidently. However a drop of water chose to form at that very moment and Gary groaned. "I give up, you need a new plumber, sista," he said, smiling wryly at Nanci who hopped down from the kitchen counter and crossed the short distance that separated them to give him a quick hug. "Thanks for trying anyway," she said, hugging him quickly before moving away but not before she saw the frown he directed at her. "What?" she asked, not liking the look in his eyes. "Damn girl, when was the last time you had a proper meal? You're all skin and bones," Gary asked, genuine concern showing in his sky blue eyes. Nanci didn't say anything, just stood there fiddling with the ends of her shoulder length hair, not daring to look into his eyes which reminded her so much of Nick. "I had a heavy lunch today," she finally answered, the defensive walls she usually kept up around strangers in place once more. He looked hurt at the sudden ice in her tones and she flinched a little. "Well... do you wanna go for a pizza or something then since you haven't had dinner?" Gary offered but she shook her head. "Thanks, but I got a pile of work to do for next week's dateline, how about another time?" she asked, feeling a little guilty at the lie that slipped out so easily. It was true that she had a lot of work to do for the upcoming dateline, but she had finished most of it already. The real reason why she didn't want to go out with Gary, even just for a simple neighborly dinner, was that he reminded her too much of Nick. They were too much alike, the same blue eyes though Nick's were much bluer, dirty blond hair, infectious laughter. She couldn't stand the memories that washed over her when he was around. Things were much simpler when she was left alone and she preferred it that way. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I would do anything to be with you again Part 2 (c) Nanci Low 1999 Somehow Nick managed to get through dinner. After he finally finished his steak, they left the restaurant, Sophy refusing to even consider dessert. "It'll spoil my diet," she demurred smoothly and Nick went along with her decision. Signaling for the bill, he quickly paid for it and within minutes the two of them were seated in his black Camero, heading for Sophy's apartment. She didn't live too far away, about twenty minutes away from the downtown restaurant they were dining but Nick managed to make it to her place in just over ten, driving at almost a hundred miles an hour. Parked under Sophy's apartment block, they sat there in silence, Nick not knowing what to do or say and wishing he could be anywhere but here in this time and place. "Thanks for dinner," Sophy said, leaning over to kiss him. Nick tried to turn so she would kiss his cheek but didn't make it in time. Sighing, he gave up the fight and kissed her back. She was a really good kisser, Nick thought detachedly as he slid his fingers through the heavy silk of her hair. The problem was even though he needed so desperately to lose himself in her kisses, he couldn't help but compare them to Nanci's. They didn't make him tingle the way Nanci did, they didn't set him on fire. 'Hell, I'm not even turned on,' Nick thought wryly, as he broke off the kiss abruptly. Sophy looked at him, surprise apparent in her eyes. "Would you like to come up for coffee? I can make us some cappuccinos," she offered. His smile and words were sincere enough but he could tell that she was not convinced with what he said. "Sorry but I've got to get into work early tomorrow. How about I call you and we do this some other time?" To give her credit, she didn't get angry or look hurt. Nope that wasn't Sophy. All she said though was a quick "Sure," before she kissed him goodbye on the cheek once more and got out of the car. For a moment, Nick sat there, watching as she walked away from him, out of sight, out of his life. Deep inside him, he knew that even if he were to ask her out again, she would probably not go out with him anymore. And Dani would be totally pissed with him too. She and the rest of the guys were extremely worried about him after the break up. He had gone through what seemed like millions of blind dates from hell set up for him by his well meaning friends before meeting Sophy and things really seemed to be moving on for him again. But even as intriguing as Sophy could be, he just couldn't stop thinking about Nanci. Sighing once more, he started the short drive home, wondering how it would feel to be alone for the rest of his life. @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- There was an eerie stillness about the apartment after Gary left. The silence was deafening, loneliness bottled in an ocean roar of nothingness. Nanci moved about the rooms restlessly, trying to find something to do, anything that would take her mind off Nick but nothing worked. There were too many memories of their times together embedded in these four walls surrounding her. Moments when he would stare at her so tenderly, his eyes speaking volumes of the love he held for her in his heart, silly things he liked to tease her about like how she always took so long to get ready to get out. She missed all of that and her heart ached even more for needing it so bad. Passing by her bedside table, she bent down and picked up a framed photo. It was a snap shot of her and Nick taken by Brian one day years ago when they had been totally exhausted after a day at the beach. While Brian and Kelli were getting dinner ready for them at his house, the two of them had fallen asleep on the couch. When Brian came out to get something, he saw them sleeping and just for the fun of it, took a picture of them like that. In the photo, Nick was stretched out over the black leather couch, his feet dangling over the edge as she slept on top of him, her head tucked half under his chin. She remembered the dream she was having in that moment. In it, she and Nick were still at the beach and they were swimming in the sea, having a wonderful time. She could hardly dare believe he was hers to love, hers to hold. The photo showed her smiling sweetly as she and Nick played around in her dream world while in reality, they were both fast asleep, Nick's arms curled tightly around her waist as if he never wanted to let her go. @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- Back home, Nick fumbled with his keys and opened the door to his empty apartment. Flicking the living room lights on, he found his two pugs sleeping on the couch, waking up excitedly as he walked over to play with them for a while. They yelped loudly in anticipation as he sat down on the couch, jumping onto his lap while trying to lick his fingers and bathing his face with their sloppy kisses at the same time. Closing his eyes in a brief moment of weariness, he let them play as they would with him. Finally they calmed down and jumped off the couch, padding noiselessly on the soft carpet, settling with loud barks and expectant looks in front of their bowls, heart melting expressions on their little dark faces. Grumbling a little under his breath, Nick got up reluctantly and walked into the kitchen. Taking out a can of dog food, he heated the contents up before dividing and dumping it into their bowls. Greedily, they buried their noses into the food and promptly began to ignore him. 'I miss you all through the night, holding me tight, I miss the way you tell me good night, how could I let the girl I love slip right through my hands, I can't get you off my mind...' Left alone, Nick walked back to the couch, pausing to put his shoes out of sight and placing his socks on the rack so the dogs wouldn't chew on them. Flopping down, he draped his lengthy frame over the couch, letting his feet dangle loosely over the edges. Stretching lazily, he closed his eyes again, as if planning to crash there for the night, then sat up, his arm reaching out for a framed photo which was sitting on the side table. Leaning back again, he propped the photo on his chest and stared sadly at it, letting the memories draw him further into their silken web of pretend bliss. In the photo, which someone ~ probably Brian ~ had taken for them, he and Nanci were at the beach. They were both casually dressed in identical baggy shorts and plain white tee shirts. Nick remembered how Nanci had teased him, it was some trivial matter, which he couldn't remember now but he had taken mock offense at it. Scooping her up into his arms, he had carried her to the edge of the water and threatened to dump her in unless she said sorry. She complied though her apology was coupled with a reluctance that told Nick he would probably never hear the end of the matter. Someone, A.J probably if he remembered correctly, called out for them to kiss and make up and Nick was more than willing to do it. Amid cheers of 'Go for it, Carter' and a few wild hoots, his lips found hers in a tender kiss, the emotions each felt for the other sparking in a soul searing kiss. Brian had snapped the picture then and the two of them were immortalized forever in that tiny color print, silhouetted against the endless blue sky and calm sea, two souls who were, for a brief moment in time, together as one, whole and complete. A lone tear trickled down from the corner of his eye, coursing down his cheek as he stared blindly still at the tiny photo which was one of his most treasured possessions. The other was also a snap shot of him and Nanci taken by Brian on the same day. They were sleeping on the couch together, his arms pulling her closer to him. With a pang of sudden regret, Nick remembered how beautiful she had looked that day sleeping in his arms, like a sleeping angel he had caught, she had never looked as beautiful as she did then. Once Brian had commented on how possessive he seemed to be. 'Even when you're sleeping, you can't let her go,' Brian's comment echoing in his mind as he imagined that particular scene in his mind, the vividness of it sending fresh pain through him. The scent of her hair haunted him, how right it felt when she was in his arms that day, remembering made his heart ache. Closing his eyes briefly, Nick wished he had never let her go, at least she would still be with him right now, selfish as the thought was, it was in its own way, a small measure of comfort to his battered heart. @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- 'I just wanna let you know, that the love I have is real, but girl I really wanna show the way I feel... I'd do anything to be with you again, just name the place and I will be there... Oh tell me why can't I have the one I love, just like the way it used to be...' Wiping away the last of her tears, Nanci got up from the bed where she had been lying and moved back to the kitchen. Fixing a light dinner, she ate slowly, trying to find some joy in the meal she had prepared for herself. But the food tasted like sawdust and just as appetitsing. Finally with a last shudder of revulsion, she scraped the remnants of her meal off her plate into the rubbish chute. It was still early and she walked about restlessly, her earlier lethargy returning. Looking at the clock, she saw that it was just after ten. Deciding to try her luck, she picked up the phone and dialed the first number off her speed dial. Well actually there were just three numbers in there but she never used the last one. The phone rang for a long time, endless monotonous rings punctuated by short pauses when her heart would jump, expecting a voice on the other end. Finally, with a loud click, the phone picked up but instead of the voice she expected to hear, tinny recorded music came blaring out before a voice announced, 'Hey leave your name and number after the beep and I'll call you back.' Nanci sighed, 'I guess I'm the only loser home on a Friday night,' she thought despairingly. There was a time not too long ago when she was never home on Friday. Well, not unless she had a good reason to. Next to her, the phone suddenly rang, making her jump at the sudden noise echoing throughout her tiny apartment. Heart pounding, she reached out to pick it up. "Hello?" she said, face falling as she realized that it was just a wrong number. Putting it down, she went into her bedroom, intending to go to bed early since there was nothing else for her to do. After finishing her nightly rituals, she lay herself down onto her bed, the tears falling freely as they did every night, washing over her eyes and the pillow she clutched so tightly in her arms, wishing that what she cradled so closely was Nick and not a substitute. @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- It was just after midnight when Nick woke up. He had fallen asleep on the couch, tiredness overcoming his bittersweet memories. Next to him, his pugs curled in little balls of fur, snuggling close to his body for warmth. Moving slowly, he eased himself off the couch gently, trying not to wake them up. That done, he stretched once lazily before heading for bed, the world still a hazy blur about him as sleep fogged his vision. Letting himself fall onto his bed, he pulled his comforter over his head, not even bothering to change out of his clothes. He had barely closed his eyes again when the phone rang. Nick sat up, looking confusedly at the phone next to his bed. The bedside clock blinked out 12.34 in neon green characters. 'Who the hell would be calling this late?' he thought panickedly, fumbling with the phone and almost dropping it in the process. "Nick?" a familiar voice whispered into his ear, "Nick, I need help." @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- The world was encased in ice and a fire burned in her throat. Teeth chattering with cold, Nanci got out of bed, clutching the bed sheets panickedly as the world spun around her. Taking a trembling step, she tried to get to the bathroom, hoping a little drink of water and some pain killers she had in her bathroom cabinet would help to ease her pain. 'One foot at a time,' she whispered to herself, trying to get her feet to comply with her will. Unfortunately, they didn't seem too obedient and she stumbled once more, mercifully falling down onto her bed. Panting breathlessly, she lay there, trying to make some sense of the fear flowing through her veins. Her eyes fell close of their own accord, merging with the darkness of the room. For endless minutes, she lay still. Finally, with a sudden surge of strength, mainly conjured up by force of will, she managed to drag her body into a sitting position where her arm could reach out for the phone. It took her three tries before she could manage to pick up the receiver and dial the number she needed. She didn't think, just acted on sheer instinct driven by fear. When the person on the other end finally picked up, she almost sobbed in relief. "Nick? Nick I need help," she whispered, reaching out for the person who meant the most to her in the world. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I would do anything to be with you again Part 3 (c) Nanci Low 1999-2000 =============================================== recap: For endless minutes, she lay still. Finally, with a sudden surge of strength, mainly conjured up by force of will, she managed to drag her body into a sitting position where her arm could reach out for the phone. It took her three tries before she could manage to pick up the receiver and dial the number she needed. She didn't think, just acted on sheer instinct driven by fear. When the person on the other end finally picked up, she almost sobbed in relief. "Nick? Nick I need help," she whispered, reaching out for the person who meant the most to her in the world. =============================================== @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- For a while, the longest while ever in her life, she let the darkness take over. Submerged in that void, which promised her the peace she craved, Nanci lay still. Her limbs felt heavy and unmovable and she neither knew nor cared about anything that happened after her phone call to Nick. All she cared about was the tranquility which she was filled with, drowning in. It took away the cold lonliness and pain that came with the emptiness of her life, a life without Nick. But the lights came. They battered away the black velvet that she clung to so vehemently. Random words filtered through to her once in a while and sometimes she even thought she heard Nick's voice. She couldn't really hear him in that sense but she could feel his presence in her mind and the emotions that rang through his words as he called to her soul, trying to convince her to wake up. @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- Frantically Nick paced around the tiny hospital room. It was small but immaculate and was equipped as best as money could buy. Walking to the bed where Nanci lay, he dropped to his knees. Watching her struggle to breathe, tubes taped on her body everywhere, her slender grip on life slipping before his very eyes made his heart ache. "Dammit, you have to live!" he whispered to her, still on his knees, his voice hoarse with panicked grief. "I can't do without you, who's going to love me the way you did before, who's going to remind me to take care of myself? I can't do without you girl, don't leave me!" Nick begged fervently, catching hold of one of her hands and cradling it tenderly within his own larger ones. Closing his eyes in silent hope, he started to sing, hoping the words he sang which came straight from his heart would somehow reach Nanci in her dreams and bring her back to him. @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- "If I don't have you to hold on to, I can't go on in this world alone. Baby it's true if I don't have you... If you said goodbye, girl I would cry. I'm a star with no night, a day with no light, if I don't have you..." "If I don't have you to hold on to, I can't go on in this world alone. Baby it's true if I don't have you... If you said goodbye, girl I would cry. I'm a star with no night, a day with no light, if I don't have you..." The words came from so far away yet they sounded near. They were familiar sounds from a time before when she was happy and content but the words never touched her as much as they did now. The enotions that Nick put in his voice were pure and from the heart and it reached her soul in a way that didn't seem possible till now. Nanci (NC): "You are my heart, my soul, your life is the meaning of mine..." The song stopped but Nick kept on talking. Nick: "Before I met you, I had no heart in my life and my soul was just a bleak, empty space waiting to be filled by you." NC: "I only wanted to do what was best for you when I left." Nick: "You were the best thing that ever came into my life." NC: "I thought even if I hurt myself, it didn't matter, the pain would numb eventually and go away." Nick: "When you left me, I didn't know what to do, where to go." NC: "I was wrong though. Your voice fills my mind every second, every minute and your face is in front of me all the time. I can't turn off my love for you just like that, I just can't!" Nick: "You mean the world to me." NC: "I love you so much it scares me. I wake up each morning with the sun and I live each day as it comes. Every breath I take is for you, is about you. Now if it's too late to be with you again. I'll still be fine. Well as fine as I can be with my heart in a million pieces shattered. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters as long as you're happy." Nick: "There can never be anyone else for me. Even if I'm with someone new, it's your face I see, your eyes I want to gaze into, your body I want to touch." NC: "I'm going to try though. I don't want to live the rest of my life filled with regret, to wake up in the warm sunshine and feel only cool 'what-if-s'. I need to know how things could have gone if I had just tried to get your love back. I love you Nick." Nick: "I love you. I always will. Just please... please wake up. I can't see myself living without you. It doesn't matter about before, I just need you back." @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- There was white everywhere, so much so that Nanci thought she was in heaven at first when she opened her eyes. it was only when Denise spoke up that she realized she wasn't. "'Bout time, girlfriend," she said lightheartedly but if you listened closely, you could hear the fear underlining her words. "What- what happened?" Nanci asked, her voice coming out shaky, half from lack of use but mostly from the dryness in her throat that was suddenly there. "Everything! Don't you ever learn? We're grown-ups now, you should know how to take care of yourself by now - and that includes eating!" Denise said firmly, seriousness replacing the gay relief that wasin her voice before. "No, don't say anything," she continued as Nanci opened her mouth to speak, "You need to hear me out first. Do you know how worried you made all of us? Especially Nick! He's been sitting by your bed ever since he brought you in. We had to drag him out of here just now to get some rest and he won;t even go home. The silly boy's sleeping outside in the corridor!" "Nick?" "Yea, Nick. You called him... remember?" "I think so." Nanci said, still shocked. "Y'know I never really understood why you two broke up. You were perfect for each other!" Denise exclaimed, confusion apparent. "I had to let him go, it seemed like the best thing to do at the time." "Best thing?" Denise snorted, "Have you seen him at all in the last few months?" At Nanci's negative reply, Denise went on. "He's miserable without you, eating, unlike some people I could name, but still barely enough to survive. His eyes have this hollow depth like something vital's been sucked out of him and all he ever talks about is you. YOU DAMMIT! You broke his heart when you left. In the begining, he won't even go out unless we went over and made him go with us! He's been slowly getting better now but he's still somuch in love with you. He doesn't have to say a thing about it, I just look at him and it's there!" "If that's the best thing you wanted for him when you left, then all ihave to say is that I don't know who you are anymore. To make him hurt like that... " She stopped abruptly at that point, seeing the tears in Nanci's eyes. Leaning forward, she gave her best friend a hug. "You have to understand, you were his whole life and when you left, you took that away from him. He hurts and aches so much inside and it's all because of you. I'm not saying you're evil and mean for doing that, I know you must have had your reasons for doing what you did but sometimes love is stone-blind." "Besides," she grinned weakly, "I don't think you've been feeling so hot yourself these past few months!" "I'm sorry," Nanci whispered, not quite sure what else to say, to do. "I don't think you should be saying sorry to me though. Those words belong to Nick! I'm just glad that you're okay now," Denise said, smiling more broadly now. "I know." "So what are you waiting for?" Denise asked exasperatedly. "I dunno what to say to him," Nanci replied, feeling completely helpless. "Why don't you start with 'I'm sorry, I love you' and work from there? Tell him whatever is really in your heart and let things go from there. Say what you feels best for you too, and not just what you think is right for him," she replied, a hint of mischief in her voice. "How did you -" Nanci asked surprised. "Remember when I stayed over with you that weekend after you two broke up? You got smashingly drunk. Let's just say you tend to babble when you've drank too much," Denise answered. "I've been carrying this around with me for awhile and even though I did know why, I needed to hear it straight." Nanci smiled, a genuine smile that hadn't been seen on her face in a long while. "Thank you. For being my best friend, for telling me off, for being here for me. For everything!" "You're welcome anytime," Denise smiled back at her. "And now can I ask what you're going to do with Nick?" "I'm going to talk to him. Tell him everything and maybe if I'm lucky, he'll still want me back after that," She replied. "He will," there was a quiet confidence in Denise's statement and Nanci smiled wanly at it. "I hope so, I really do." @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- It took a while before she could actually try to talk to Nick. The doctor came bustling in barely seconds after the two girls finished their heart-to-heart and he insisted on doing a thorough check-up on Nanci. Then he made her have a light meal while he continued to lecture her on her shocking lapse in caring for herself. "You were starving yourself into obligation. It's a wonder you managed to get this far. From what your friends have been telling me, you've been working too hard and playing too little. Neglecting your health is no cure for a broken heart, y'know, even if it seems like the only option at the time. Now if I'm not mistaken, there's a young man in the corridor waiting to see you. If I let him bring you home tomorrow, will you promise me you'll eat properly?" he asked, noting the shock in her face with an amused chuckle. Nanci nodded, torn between disgust at her own thoughtlessness and the nausea that threatened her even now as she struggled to keep the dry toast and bland chicken soup in her stomach. Those days were over now and she could not hide behind her obsession with her weight anymore. If anything, she looked more like a freak now than before and if Nick didn't want her back, she wouldn't blame him either. 'Oh stop it. Think positive like Denise said,' she thought, twirling the ends of her hair nervously. Looking up, she saw Dr. Lane (that was what the nametag on his coat read) talking to Nick at the other end of the room and she half-jumped in surprise. The sudden movement shook the tray that was on her table and the utensils rattled. Hearing the sound, the two men stopped talking and looked at her. Under the force of their scrutiny, especially Nick's, Nanci started to blush. In a flash, the docter finished up his conversation after a long look at the couple he was with, pleading a phone call he had to rush to make. It would have taken an idiot not to notice the change in the emotional temperature of the room. After he left, Nick stood there for the longest time, just looking at her. "Nick?" Nanci asked, her voice coming out thin and tinted with vulnerability. He didn't answer her right away. Instead he walked over to her and sat down in the chair that was next to her bed.then he took her right hand into both of his and brought it to rest against her cheek. Turning his face a little, his lips grazed the soft skin of her palm and he kissed her fingers one by one, slowly, reverantly, as if she was made of fragile glass. In spite of her mixed emotions and the heated air, Nanci shivered as a warm contentment permeated her body. "Nick?" she said again when she could think clearly. "We have to talk.." "Ssh... Don't say anything, we'll talk later when we're home," he replied, still cradling her hand in his. "Right now you've got to rest. You nearly died before and I'm not going to bring you back till you're fit anough. We can talk later." @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- She sat in the middle of the room where Nick had carried her and left her sitting on a pile of cushions and tucked into a warm quilt. Behind her, on the stereo, Jordan Knight's album played and the gentle melancholy songs ironically reflected the various stages of her relationship with Nick. 'I live my days with the nights that we spent, all the love we shared. I put my heart on a side for a while knowing you're not there. I tried to carry on, to face the fact you're gone but I need you, so I close my eyes...' Nanci sighed and buried her face in the huge teddy bear that Nick had given her last night. Ever since he'd brought her home four days ago, he had been nothing but sweet and caring. It was as if their seperation had never happened and time stood still. 'And that's the whole problem!' Nanci thought, her fingers now idly playing with the bear's soft fur. It was an almost identical twin to the one which was in her apartment which Nick had given her some years back. He still wouldn't talk to her about what happened. Each time she treid to bring it up, he would change the subject to something else or by fussing over her. 'Mornings remind me of showers and talks in the soft sunlight. Evenings of passion and cries of joy hold your memory tight. You didn't waste too long, I sing too many songs about you, I just close my eyes... and I dream about you...' "I love that song," Nick said and Nanci lifted her head to see him sitting next to her, a bowl of soup or some liquid in his hands. "Here sweetie, I hope you can stand having some more chicken soup," he said, spooning a bit of the watery, yellow liquid and lifting it up to her lips. At the smell of that only too familiar, much hated soup, Nanci's stomach rebelled and she shuddered. "If it's ok with you, I think I'll pass this time," she said, shaking her head slightly.' Nick frowned. "Come on, just a little, you know what the docter said..." "... if I don't eat, you have to bring me back... yes... yes... yes... I know," Nanci finished for him. "Ok, fine, I'll eat the damn thing but can't I have something other than chicken soup?" her voice ended in a whine. He laughed at the comical expression on her face. "Sorry, but that's all I have and all I can make really." "If you'd just brought me back to my own place, we could have had something else. Like.. like.. chocolate cake!" She proclaimed exaggerately. "Nice try but you know you're only allowed plain stuff like soup or porridge." "I know. YUCK!" They both laughed and Nick continued feeding her. "Nick?" "Yeah?" "Why are you doing this? I mean why did you bring me to your place? I could have just gone home." "You needed someone to look after you, isn't that obvious?" "Dee could have done that, you heard her, she offered." Nick put down the spoon and looked at her straight. "Your point being?" "Nick, we have to talk! We just can't go on pretending nothing's changed. You've changed, I've changed. A lot has happened in these last few months and you know that. So why don't you wanna talk about it?" she pleaded. "And what happens after we have this... talk?" his voice was strangely distant and blank. Nanci gulped. "I think we'll have to wait and see," she said carefully. "What if I tell you I don't want you talk, that I like things just the way they are?" Nick pressed on stubbornly. "We have to talk!" "No." "Nick, c'mmon, don't be childish." Nanci sighed exasperately. "I'm not childish." He retorted. "Ok fine, why don't you want to talk then?" There was silence and he turned away from her. Awkwardly Nanci struggled to un-tangle herself from the quilt she was cocooned in. Moving over the short distance that lay between her and Nick, she cupped his face in her hands and turned him to face her. "Don't do this to me, don't shut me out. Tell me what you really wanna say!" she whispered, the tears shining unshed in her eyes. He squeezed his eyes close tighly for a minute before opening them again. "What do you want me to say?" "All I'm asking is for us..." "To talk... I know - you want to know why I don't want us to talk? Here's why. I'm scared. Scared once you get better, you'll leave me. You'll walk away from me again and I'll be alone. As selfish as it sounds, when you were lying in that bed in the hospital, I was glad and all I could think of was how you being there meant I was with you once more." Silence. "Nick - I..." "Don't, I don't want to know how you feel, I don't want to hear your pity - I love you and it's the only thing that's keeping me going each day. Yet it's also the same things that's tearing me apart. You won't even uinderstand half of what I feel for you." She gave a short, bitter laugh. "How do you know how I feel? "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, half curiously, half angrily. "It means that even though you claim to love me so much, you can't even see what's in front of you!" "I know you don't love me anymore. Isn't that enough?" "I wish! You want to know how I feel? I'll tell you what I feel. I love you so much it scares me. Every minute every second of my life is about you, I think of you. You are my life and the last five months without you just about killed me too," She cried out, misery and loneliness underlining her voice. Nick stared back at her. There was both apprehension and joyful hope shining in his ocean blue eyes now. "If you loved me so much, why did you go away?" he finally asked. "I...," she started then burst into tears. This time Nick was the one to reach for her and he pulled her into his arms, holding her tighly as she cried. "You said it yourself, don't keep it inside. You have to tell me, I deserve to know why," he whispered to her as she sobbed. "I know that," her words came out muffled as she buried her face in his shoulder. "If we're going to have any chance of starting over, even just as friends, you have to start somewhere." She lifted her head up and looked at him, her eyes still wet with tears. "I never wanted to hurt you, I didn't think it would matter if I left because I knew you were strong, you could move on." "I was strong only because I had you," he whispered sadly. "I saw you, that day when you were kissing that girl. I was going to surprise you but instead I was the one who was surprised." Nick was shocked. "Saw me? Kissing that girl? Oh God... it was because of that?" "I knew you still loved me and she was probably just a fan. You weren't kissing her back either so I shouldn't have reacted the way I did but I knew if I really loved you, I had to let you go. We were both so young when we met, especially you, and I thought you needed to have your freedom. I was the one always dragging you down, making you stay behind with me when the rest went clubbing or on some adventure. The other guys used to tease you about how you were being tied down. I thought if I left, you would be happier," she said determinedly as Nick continued to stare at her in shock. "Where on earth did you get that ridiculous idea? Why didn't you just talk to me about it instead of running away?" he demanded. "I saw it in your eyes, Nick, everytime they laughed at you, each time they made a joke at your expense, you were hurt and it was there in your eyes. Your head may have told you that you loved me, needed me, but your heart knew. We rushed into our relationship so quickly, neither of us ever really got a chance to grow up." "I grew up the day I met you, when I finally found out what it was like to need somebody and have somebody need you back," he whispered, "And I grew up even more when you turned your back on me and learnt what it was like to live without love." "I'm sorry..." "Don't be. At least now I know you didn't leave me for some other guys..." "There can never be anyone for me but you. I've always known that." "I know - all those nights I spent lying in bed thinking about you, only the fact that you loved me, still loved me kept me alive." "I wish I knew that. There were pictures in the newspapers, magazines, you looked so happy. I didn't want to see them but I just couldn't help myself. Ihated knowing that I was right, that there could be life after me for you." Nick sighed heavily. "No, you weren't right. I hated going out with all those women you saw me with. They meant nothing to me and they only went out with me because of who I was. And I went out with them because everyone kept setting me up." "Even Sophy?" "How did you - " "Dani told me. I still talk to her sometimes, mainly because she kept calling. She mentioned Sophy once when I asked how you were, I know it's none of my business but you should go out with her some more. She sounds erm... nice." Nanci said bravely. "I'm not going to see Sophy anymore. Dammit you're still as stubborn as you were when I first met you." Nick groaned. "I know but that's me. Love me, hate me, that's what I am!" she chirped. "So you're saying after I've just confessed my undying love for you that I should still go out and find myself? That I should see other people? Sometimes I think I'll never be able to understand you!" he exclaimed exasperately. "I love you too but I need you to be sure." "What would you do if I said I wasn't? That I was going to go on seeing all those women?" he asked harshly. She bit her lower lip nervously and tried to move away from him but Nick's hands tight on her shoulders prevented her. She then tried to turn her head aside but swiftly he moved so he was facing her once more. "Answer me!" he said, shaking her slightly. "Alright, alright. Dammit, I'll answer you," she cried out in sudden anger before continuing, her voice dropping to a barely audible whisper. "I would want to die. Without you in my life, there would be no meaning. Everything would be cold and empty like I was before you found me. Is that what you wanted to hear because that's how I feel!" she whispered brokenly. Nick's arms went around her and she tried to push them away weakly. "Don't fight me, don't fight what you're feeling. Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear this?" he begged, his fair head close so close to his, they were practically touching cheek to cheek and Nanci could feel the tears that were trailing down from his eyes now. "The first night we broke up, I couldn't sleep. I spent the time wandering aroudn the house, trying to get the scent of your hair out of my head. It was everywhere, in my bed, my pillows, my clothes, it was like you were still there. Only you weren't. I thought about all the possible reasons for our break-up. I thought about other stuff too, mostly about death." "Oh God... Nick... you didn't!" she exclaimed out loud. "Yeah... I did. I hit a pretty low point in my life and it seemed like a pretty good way out of the whole pain and misery shit at that time. But I thought it through and gave it up in the end." "What made you change your mind?" "You did." "Me? But - but I left you." "I know but I thought if there was any way to get you back, I had to try. In the end, I decided if I had to spent the rest of my life searching for you, trying to convince you of my love, I would do it." "You've always had my love," Nanci whispered softly. "I know. And I was so angry with you just now for doubting my love for you. But I realized, you were right about one thing." "About?" "I was taking you for granted. That girl had no right kissing me the way she did, fan or not. Even though I wasn't kissing her, by not moving her away from me or even letting her get that close to me meant I was breaking your trust in me. I know you would have forgiven me because she never meant anything to me but I was curious, wondering what it would be like to be with someone other than you. It was just a fleeting thought and I've hated myself ever since for having that. I'm so sorry you had to walk in on that but sad as it sounds, it had to take that to make me realize how much you meant to me." "I did forgive you. It was just... I was just so jealous at that moment, I couldn't see straight. I wanted to yell at you, hit you but instead I ran away. Then when I calmed down, I started feeling guilty and everything else just fell in place then and there. I really messed up didn't I?" "No... I messed up! I should never have doubted our relationship. But it happened. And that day... God! I didn't know you were going to leave... it was our third anniversery," he ended softly. "I know, I didn't plan on breaking up with you on that day deliberately. It just happened." She replied. "I'd planned so much for us, then you just blew up on me and that was the end of us." "I'm sorry -," Nanci said but Nick cut her off with a short sweet kiss. "Wait here," he said as she was still struggling to recover from the heady sensations that he never failed to rouse in her. He returned almost a minute later, carrying something in his hand. "I was going to give this to you that night after we had dinner but I never got round to doing it. I kept it with me anyway for the last five months, hoping and wishing I would get the chance to give it to you someday. I want you to have it now," he said, opening his palm to reveal a ring-sized jeweller's box. Flipping it open, Nanci saw a ring nestled on a bed of dark velvet. It was a simple platinum band topped with a single diamond. "Look at the inscription," Nick urged and she obediently picked out the tiny words carved on the inside of the band. "NELM" it read. "Nick... you remembered!" she exclaimed. "How could I? I mean it too. Never ever leave me. I could never do without you," he whispered tenderly. "Nick - I... I don't know what to say," Nanci began, fresh tears forming in her eyes. "Marry me, he asked, moving so he was kneeling in front of her. "Are you sure?" she asked him, her voice no tra\embling with shock and overwhelming joy. "More sure than anything I've been of in my life. I want to spend the rest of my days loving you, to be able to wake up with you each morning, to have you as the mother of my children. Everything. I'm sure." He said. "I -" "Say yes. You know this is what you want. We're meant to be. I love you," Nick said "Yes-" Nanci started but anything else she might have said was cut off as Nick gave a whoop of joy before kissing her. @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->--- @-- -->---->---