Nick felt every last drop of blood freeze in his veins at those words.  His stomach tied itself into a knot and his legs wouldn't hold him up any more,his heart just sped up until the frozen blood that was in his veins caused it to shatter into a million pieces inside his chest.

 

"Wh...what?"

 

Kevin looked up at him and the stone mask he had set his face into slipped.  The most heartbreaking fear and sadness rushed to the surface and the sight of it cut Nick to the core. "He said I have AIDS.  Not H.I.V., I have full-blown AIDS."

 

Nick's lips moved but no sound was coming out of them, just the sound of his quickening breathing.  He was reeling, his mind shutting down, not able to move quick enough to process this.  Finally he realized that speech was not happening and just looked at Kevin, his jaw hanging slack.

 

Nick didn't think any part of him was working at that moment. It was like he had just frozen solid on the inside, yet the outside of him looked normal.   He met eyes with Kevin and saw the shock in his eyes too. He reached his hand out to Kevin, needing to hold him, to feel something real.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nick just hung on for dear life, pinning Kevin's arms at his sides and not loosening his grip as they fell to the floor and Kevin was convulsing every which way trying to buck Nick off of him.

 

"In sickness and in health."

 

 

 

"LET ME THE FUCK GO!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sound of it tore Nick apart.  He felt Kevin relax and his arms went around Nick's waist, hanging on for dear life.  His legs curled up around Nick's as he cried with every bit of the intensity that he had been yelling and raging at Nick with. 

 

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!  Haven't we been punished enough??! Oh ...god...someone....please...tell .....me .....whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

Kevin sobbed against Nick's shoulder, "I...remember.  I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.  I....I don't know what to do. "

 

Nick couldn't hold back the sobs any more. He took Kevin's hand from his waist and slid his wedding ring back on,  "Hold me tight and breathe."  He let go of Kevin's hand and felt his arms tighten around him.  "Breathe, Bumpkin. Just Breathe."

 

 

When they had cried themselves out, Nick laid his head on Kevin's shoulder, melting into the feel of Kevin's arms holding him. "What happened while I was gone?"

 

Kevin rubbed his hand over Nick's back, "Dr. Sullivan came to the house. That's when I knew it was bad.  You don't make house calls to say someone is fine.

 

He said he had my test results back.  He was concerned with how fast my cancer had grown, so he went with a hunch.  He ordered an AIDS test along with the rest of my tests and it came back positive.  When he was waiting for the results, he  went to the coroner and pulled up the files for Stefanie and Frank.  That bastard slept with her and raped me and he had AIDS.  He raped me and he had AIDS.    She had the beginning stages of H.I.V., but he was dying of AIDS, Nick.  Sullivan said he would have lived maybe two years with how far it had progressed. 

 

Deep down he knew what my test results were going to come back with, but he was hoping against hope that it wasn't going to be positive.  He got the tests back this morning and it was bad."

 

Kevin sighed and wanted to cry, but he didn't have any tears left. He felt strangely empty now. He kept rubbing Nick's back, "I came back with enough of the virus in my system to qualify me as having full-blown AIDS and if that wasn't bad enough......"

 

Nick looked up at him, hearing him pause.  He pulled away enough to sit up and look Kevin right in the eyes, putting his hand on the side of his husband's face, "Tell me."

 

Kevin lifted his hand and held Nick's there, "The cancer....it's actually one of the ways that doctors can tell you have progressed into AIDS.  I....the...it gets worse."

 

Nick shook his head, "Oh god, please.  I can't take any worse!"

 

Kevin held him as he started to cry, rubbing his back and just holding him close until his sobs subsided. 

 

"Ready?"

 

Nick nodded against Kevin's chest, bracing himself almost like he was expecting a physical blow.

 

Kevin took a shaky breath, "The cancer...it's a cancer of your white blood cells, the ones that fight off infections and stuff.  Well, the cancer makes ones that don't work right and some that don't even work at all.  It makes it easier for me to get sick and stay sick, like with the flu and infection I had...have.  The...AIDS....it...may have actually caused the cancer.  The doctor said that the virus actually stimulates cells that may have never turned cancerous and basically kick starts them into producing cancer cells.  The cancer actually helps the virus.  It's so sick.  The aids caused the cancer, and the cancer wipes out my immune system so much that the aids can just take over and what little immune system I have left....the aids destroys it.  The aids gets stronger having nothing in my body fighting it, and the cancer gets worse because there are only cancer cells in my immune system to reproduce."

 

Nick whimpered, having a hard time wrapping his head around everything. "Do they put you on chemotherapy to stop the cancer?"

 

Kevin shook his head, "Dr. Sullivan said I could have chemo, but it comes at a price.  The chemo doesn't just kill the bad cells, it kills the good ones too, it just kills everything in it's path.  If I take the chemo, it wouldn't touch the aids virus at all, it would probably make it stronger, having killed all my immune cells, the virus would just run right through me.  We have to decide what we want to do.  We also have to get you in tomorrow to get tested, doctor's orders."

 

Nick tensed, a flash of memory coming at him.  Frank had beaten him into a bloody pulp.  When Stefanie shot Frank, Nick had basically been an open wound from head to foot.  He remembered Frank's blood and pieces of the inside of his head that Stefanie had shot through spraying on him. He opened his eyes, "I think we both know what it's going to say."

 

Kevin was wrong, he did have more tears left.  They were now sliding down his face, "It will say that I'm a murderer.  That I dragged you into my messed up problems and now for the gift of your love, I've given you the kiss of death."

 

Nick looked up at Kevin sharply, "You did not!  Kevin, you did nothing wrong.  It was all Frank and Stefanie.  You and I are the innocent victims in all this."

 

Kevin looked down at the floor, refusing to meet Nick's eyes. 

 

Nick took Kevin's chin in his hands and forced him to look up and meet his blue eyes. "Listen to me.  No matter what happens you can count on two things.  One, I will never leave you.  Two, I wouldn't trade a minute of being with you despite anything that has happened or will happen to us. I love you and nothing is going to change that."

 

Kevin's eyes filled with tears, "Nick...there is no getting better for me."

 

Nick's eyes filled as well, "I know, Boo.  I know.  But, I made a promise to you and I'm going to keep it.  Tell me that promise means something to you, Kevin."