Fall From Grace

(C) by us. Disclaimer, we know not them. they know not us. does not have any reflection on their persons, personalities, sock color or sexual preferences. =)

Nick's head shot off of the pillow and his eyes snapped open. For a second, he wasn't sure where he was, or what had happened. Then it all came crashing down on him again, feeling like a physical blow as the weight of it settled on him. Kevin. Aids. Cancer. Kevin.....Kevin! Where was Kevin?!

They had collapsed onto the bed after talking for a long time about what they were going to do. And it was decided that there really wasn't anything they could do. If they decided on the Chemo, he would be sick and weak, having no quality of life because of what the chemo would do to him, and the aids would run rampant through his body and kill him that much faster. If they did no chemo, he would still be sick and ultimately die, but he wouldn't be as sick as if he had the chemo, he'd still be able to go out into the world and live, not spend what time he had left in a hospital ward, too sick to leave. It all came down to quality of life or quantity. A hard question to answer for Nick and Kevin, because ultimately it was a no win situation.

Nick sat up and looked wildly around the room. What if he had left? Nick had refused to leave, but what if Kevin got it in his head again that he was going to go off alone and die.....

Nick sprang up out of bed like the sheets were on fire, and charged out of the bedroom, running down the stairs, calling out Kevin's name as he searched every room. By the time Nick reached the kitchen, he was shaking and could hardly catch his breath, his throat hurting from calling Kevin's name so many times.

Nick wandered back into the tv room and went to flop down on the couch, but in his shock, he missed, sprawling to the floor instead. He hit the wood floor and just laid there, he didn't care anymore. He closed his eyes and wished for a huge hole to open in the earth and swallow him up. If Kevin was gone, there was really no reason for him to be alive. He couldn't think of one good reason to keep breathing right now.

His eyes opened again when he heard the chimes from the clock on the mantle. He counted them off in his head, ten....eleven...twelve. This day had seemed to stretch on forever. It was only noon. In four hours his world had been torn apart. He'd learned his husband not only had cancer, but aids as well. There was no beating aids, he had lost that hope of beating the cancer when that one little word came into his life this morning. He'd almost lost Kevin this morning when he had tried to throw Nick out of his life, and then lost him anyway, the moment he had let his guard down. It was only noon. This day had been long enough in four hours that it felt like midnight.

Midnight. Something irked at Nick's memory. Midnight. He threw his arm over his eyes to block out the light hitting his eyelids and thought. Midnight. His wedding. All of them keeping Kevin and Nick apart that whole day, starting at midnight the night before. Nick remembered how he wouldn't let go of Kevin, how he had dragged his heels until Brian had to pull him off of Kevin.

Nick took the arm from across his eyes and looked at the clock as the minute hand moved. 12:01. The something pulling at his memory was tugging harder now. 12:01. The hallway, going to the elevator in the hotel with Brian to his room on another floor. 12:01. All of them telling him that it was bad luck to see the person you are going to marry the day of your wedding until you meet at the preacher. He left the room at 12:01.

Nick rolled on his side, clutching his stomach, all the pain and hurt and fear he was feeling balling an a tearing, searing knot in his gut, tearing him apart from the inside out. It was all his fault, he thought to himself. He didn't want to leave. He stayed until it was after midnight. It was his fault. He dragged his ass in leaving the room and he'd brought this on them. It was all his fault.

The tears were rolling down his face as the sobs racked his body so hard he thought he was going to throw up. He hauled himself to his feet and lunged at the mantle, grabbing the clock and hurling at the wall with a yell that echoed in the room.

As the wood and metal hit the wall, it shattered and splintered into pieces from the force of meeting the wall. Nick looked at the pile of debris on the floor and saw the face of the clock still in one piece, it's hands still reading 12:01 like it was trying to taunt him. He bounded over and grabbed a lamp off of the table beside the couch and threw it at the clock face on the floor, the lamp shattering like the clock had, but poking through all the rubble he could still see the clock face, mocking him.

Nick felt something inside of him let go as he raged around the room, throwing anything he could get his hands on against the wall, his yells growing more and more hoarse as everything he had held inside of him came screaming to the surface. Nick wanted to break things like he felt broken. He wanted to hurt things like had been hurt. He felt so empty, so completely and totally empty.

When there was nothing left to throw in the room, he sank to the floor again, clutching his stomach as all the hurt and terror gnawed at this gut, threatening to consume him. His throat burned and his stomach was twisting in knots so fierce, he was curled up in the fetal position on the floor, clutching his stomach trying in vain to make the hurt go away. His voice had been reduced to a whisper, the only sound leaving his lips were the words, "All my fault....all my fault...all my fault...."

Kevin sat on the beach down a ways from the house, just watching waves and how the sun sparkled off of them. He was trying to wrap his head around why all this had happened to him. To them.

He had finally gotten his life together. He had the total package, the career that he loved, the love of his life married to him, a son, another baby on the way, the house on the beach, friends that stood with him through thick and thin. And now this.

He had to face the fact that there was no getting better for him. His body had betrayed him in the worst way. His own blood was poisoning him with every heartbeat. Every single beat brought him closer to edge and the thought scared him and awed him at the same time.

He dug his fingers into the sand, "Is this how Dad felt when he knew he was going to die?" Everything he did now seemed to have a new light of understanding and questioning behind it. From digging his toes in the sand to watching Nick sleep with the light spilling around him, a voice inside his head questioned if this was the last time he would see a sight or feel a sensation.

He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, feeling the tang of the ocean air in the back of his throat. He looked towards the house when he opened his eyes and knew Nick would be getting up soon. With one last look at the ocean sparkling before him, he got up and headed towards the house.

Nick's throat was dry and raw, having chanted his mantra, "It's my fault" over and over until his voice gave out. Now he just lay on the floor of the living room, staring into nothingness. He wanted to move, to go into the kitchen and find the biggest knife in there and plunge it through his heart to stop the pain, but he was incapable of moving, his body feeling weighed down by a thousand pounds. Instead he left his body there on the floor and went into that cold, dark place where he didn't have to be Nick, he didn't have to be anybody. Most of all, he didn't have to face the fact that he was losing everything that he held dear to him.

Kevin slid inside the house, being careful not to make too much noise with the door and grabbed two glasses out of the cupboard, pouring juice into them. He took the glasses and walked softly towards the stairs, cutting through the living room.

He looked down and saw the shards of a lamp laying on the ground around a pile of what was at one time lamps and knick knacks. Now it was a heap of broken things underneath a wall that had it's plaster cracked and falling off. "What the hell?!"

He walked closer to the pile and looked at it more closely, then turned around to find out what had happened to all the things that weren't nailed down in the room.

Both glasses slipped from his suddenly deadened fingers as he saw Nick, his precious Nick, lying on the floor clutching his stomach and looking for all the world like he was dead, his eyes wide open and glassy.

Kevin didn't remember going to Nick, he was just there. He leaned down and could hear Nick breathing, but he made no indication that he saw Kevin in front of him.

Kevin leaned over and picked up Nick up, cradling him close. "Oh my baby, what happened? Nicky, you can't do this. I need you more than ever now. You were right, I need you more than I ever did. Please come back to me, Nicky. Nicky....please Nicky."

Nick could hear Kevin talking to him, holding him. It felt so good. He liked it here, he could be with Kevin here. Out there, Kevin was gone. Here he could have Kevin. He liked it here. Here good.

Kevin was searching Nick's eyes frantically for some glimmer of recognition in them, something to let Kevin know that Nick was still in there. For a split second, he thought he saw something in Nick's eyes, but in another instant it was gone.

He grabbed Nick in his arms and grunted as he picked up the dead weight of his husband, lifting him off of the floor and carrying him to the front entryway. He grabbed the phone that lay on a table there and pressed a speed dial button. He sat the both of them down on the floor and cradled Nick close to him as he waited for the phone to be answered.

"It's Nick. I don't know what happened. I just came back in the house from sitting on the beach and everything in the room was demolished and he was on the floor. He won't respond. He's gone back into his head. Help me!"

Kevin listened for a few minutes before putting the phone down and kissing softly over Nick's face, "Nickers, don't do this okay? Not when I need you more than ever. I'm here, Nick. Please come back to me." He kissed Nick on the lips, hoping the sensation of their breath mingling, their lips touching would bring him around.

Nick's head hurt. It was all fuzzy. It hurt too much to try and figure out what was going on. He was warm and it was quiet there. He liked that. But something was tugging on him, making him feel bad about being there. He concentrated on the feeling that was tugging him back. He was in someone's arms. Safe arms. Warm arms. Warmth was on his lips too. They felt tingly. He liked tingly. Kevin made them tingly, but Kevin was gone.

Nick frowned and Kevin saw it. It gave Kevin some hope of bringing Nick back from wherever he had locked himself away. He kissed his way to Nick's ear, "Hey baby, I need you here with me. I need to feel your arms around me and you blue eyes looking at me. I'm going to need those arms and those blue, blue eyes to help me through this. Can you help me Nick? Please baby, I love you. Come back and tell me you love me too. I need to hear it."

Nick hard Kevin's voice, it was too deep and too warm not to be real. Those warm, safe arms around him could only be Kevin's arms. He was back! He wasn't alone any more.

Kevin was mentally holding his breath as he looked at Nick and talked in his ear, urging him back. He saw Nick's eyebrows merge together for a second when a look of concentration came on his face, then his eyelids started to flutter and finally open.