Fall From Grace

The ultrasound technician didn't know what to do, so she simply laid down the wand in her hand and left the room as quietly and discreetly as possible.

Melinda had finally gotten her arms around Sam as they both cried for Dylan growing up without his father, for themselves losing a wonderful friend, but most of all they cried for Nick. They saw the look in his blue eyes when Kevin uttered the words that he was dying. They cried because they saw Nick's whole world shatter in his eyes.

Nick looked up from the floor, where he and Kevin had ended up sitting. He tried to talk, but all that would come out were the gasping, rib cage rattling sobs he had been trying to hold back.

Kevin tightened his hold on Nick, as much for his own sake as Nick's. "I'll be dead within a year. The doctor couldn't even promise me that I would live long enough to see the girls born....Brian's wedding...I may not be here for any of it."

Sam turned her head, hating for anyone to see her cry and her gaze fell on the frozen image of the two infants tucked safely in her womb on the monitor. Her heart clenched in her chest and the breath froze in her lungs. "Nick?!"

Everyone heard the panic in her voice and looked at her, their eyes fixing on the screen too. Nick knew what she was asking him, without her having to put it into words. "No. I'm not. The clinic would have tested for it and caught it, but I just got my test back from our doctor. I'm....fine."

The tone of his voice revealed that physically he was fine, but emotionally it was a whole other battlefield.

The relief that passed through both Melinda and Sam was swift and followed very quickly by guilt that seemed to weigh down the air in their lungs. Nick was fine, Dylan was fine, the two babies in Sam's body were fine, Melinda was fine, but Kevin wasn't. He never would be again.

Sam and Melinda looked at each other and without a word passing between them, Melinda wiped the blue goo off of Sam's stomach and pulled her loose t-shirt down and helped her from the table and together they both went over to Kevin and Nick, pulling them off the ground and surrounding them with their arms, silently offering their unconditional love and support. Kevin felt the gift they were giving him and from where his face was buried in Nick's neck, he sobbed out the words "thank you." over and over until he was crying too hard to speak.

When Kevin calmed some, they all slowly pulled away from each other and agreed that they needed to talk about all of this. But first they needed to break the news to Brian, Howie, AJ and their families.

Three very stunned faces were looking back at Nick and Kevin. Nick could hear Brian swallow from where he sat, his arms wrapped around Kevin as his husband leaned on him for support.

Howie and AJ were still too stunned to talk. Nick had the fleeting thought in his head that it was unreal to see Alex this still, this completely devoid of any activity except the involuntary breathing and blinking.

They were only half way through their tale. The three who sat across from them unaware of the broadside attack they were about to be hit with.

Howie started to chew his lip, the sign he was thinking, carefully selecting the words he wanted to say, arranging them mentally in his head to stay the neutral course he maintained in emotionally charged discussions within the group. When the words fell in an acceptable order for him, he spoke, "How bad is it?"

It was a simple sentence, but putting it out in the air between them had taken more strength than the men on either side of him had, the same question had stuck in their throats.

The answer dug itself into Kevin's throat, refusing to be unleashed into the room. He couldn't do it. He couldn't totally decimate his friends like this.

Nick felt Kevin lean further into him and his shoulders start to shake with the sobs he was holding down. He held Kevin tighter and took a deep breath. 'This is where you start being strong. This is where you don't fall apart anymore and let him down. This is where you make them believe you are strong enough.'

"It's bad, Howie. He had to have more tests. The doctor was concerned with how advanced it was when Kevin was perfectly healthy when we were last there at the start of the tour to get him to sign off on letting us go. They came back with something even the doctor didn't suspect."

Brian was on the edge of sobbing hysterically. He didn't know the whole answer to Howie's question, but something inside of him knew. Some place too far inside, too deep down to ever be known was there, came to life inside of him by virtue of shattering and leaving him with a feeling so big and empty that it took his breath away.

A hand came over on his and gripped them. He saw Howie's hand had gripped the hands of both he and Alex. Strength in numbers.

Kevin looked strangely calm against Nick's chest. His eyes were closed and his breathing even, looking almost like he was sleeping, except for the taughtness of his skin. It outlined every muscle under it, tensed and looking almost like he was bracing himself for a physical blow.

Nick took another slow breath, matching the rhythm with Kevin's. "It's worse than any of us ever dreamed it could be. The cancer is advanced, growing faster than the doctor was used to seeing and when he got the new test results back he found out why. The new test came back and said Kevin has AIDS. Not H.I.V., full-blown AIDS."

He stopped and let the news sink in. AJ made a sound that sounded like someone had kicked him in the gut, a grunt that pushed all the air out of his lungs and left him gasping for air, but as quickly as he brought it in, it turned heavy and stale in his lungs. 'This is not happening. This is not happening. I'm hallucinating because I can't breathe. This is not happening.'

Howie's eyes had widened at the last sentence out of Nick's lips. Cancer was curable, this was not. This only had one outcome. Only one. 'Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid, for you are with me....Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid....."

Brian felt the emptiness spread in his body until he could feel it numbing his nerves and pressing at his skin, trying to break through his flesh and consume him totally. 'Why Kevin? Haven't they been through enough? Please Jesus, take me. Wave your hand and turn back time and take me instead. Please God, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean this when I asked you to turn them in the right direction. Have mercy on my soul...I did this.'

Nick's voice brought them out of their state of shock and he continued. "We know how it happened. Dr. Sullivan went and pulled Frank and Stefanie's autopsy files and had them tested too. Stephanie was infected, she just had the beginning stages of H.I.V., but Frank....he would have been dead within a year or two. He was a sick man in more ways than one."

The three of them nodded, still trying to wrap themselves around this. Still trying to choke down the screams and sobs that wanted were threatening to break through.

Brian shook his head, "No! There has to be something they can do! Chemo or new AIDS treatments. There has to be something! Why are you just giving up?!"

Kevin buried his face further into Nick's chest, sobbing at the pain in his cousin's voice. He wanted to say something calm and reassuring to put everything in perspective about this, but he couldn't. Words failed him right now. For the first time in his life, words had completely failed him.

Nick looked at Brian, his blue eyes so filled with pain and grief that it brought Kevin's cousin up short. "We don't have a choice. There is nothing we can do. If he has Chemo, it kills what little immune system he has left. If he takes an aids drug, the cancer still continues to ravage his body. The only thing we can do is nothing."

Nick knew he was asking how long Kevin had left. "Less than a year." He didn't want to break it to them that it could be less than the seven months Sam had left in her pregnancy.

Nick watched the other two tense up and shook his head, "I got the results this afternoon. It's negative. I'm fine."

AJ flew off of his chair and everyone thought he was going to run out of the room, but suddenly he veered his course and wrapped his arms around Kevin and Nick, holding them as tightly as he could. Within seconds Brian and Howie had joined them, all crying for had happened and what they were on the brink of losing.