Fall From Grace

Nick was the first one to pull himself together. He wiped the tears from his stinging eyes and cursed softly when the water kept falling from them refused to obey and kept right on falling.

Paying the tears coursing down his cheeks no mind, he quietly left the room and found Sam on the back deck, staring out at the ocean, her hands rubbing over her belly in time with the waves rolling onto shore.

She nodded her head to let him know that she had heard him, "How do you do it Nick?" She didn't turn around to face him, but Nick knew that tears were still making their way down her face, "He's a dear friend and the man who made my son the beautiful, loving person that he is and what's happening to him is ripping me apart. How do you do it? Knowing that there is no happy ending coming, only pain."

Nick held her and looked out on the water for a few minutes before answering, "I don't think about the pain coming. I deal with the pain now and ignore the pain I know that's coming. If I don't......" He paused, his teeth biting his lower lip, "If I don't, then I'm just going to curl up in a little ball and die. If I don't, I am going to miss the time I do have with Kevin. And when...when....he's....." He stopped talking again and put his chin on Sam's head, unable to finish the sentence, "I'll be worse off when that happens if I waste the time we've been given now. Every moment we have right now is a moment I'm going to hold inside me as a memory, because they have to last me a lifetime. Every moment is a gift right now and I'm not going to waste a second worrying about what's coming. The only thing it will do is cripple me with grief so deep that I'll never find my way out until it's too late and he's gone."

Nick turned her around in his arms and wiped the tears from her cheeks, "You never know how strong you really are until the moment you need to be. And I'm not strong I'm trying just as hard as the rest of you not to break down. I did it once and wasted an entire day that I'm never going to get back. A day that I couldn't afford to waste. Our days are numbered, Sam. The only problem is that I don't know what number we are down to. So, I have to make every day we've been gifted with count."

Sam looked up at him, wiping the tears from her cheeks, "You're right. Dylan and you have to make memories to last a lifetime and Melinda and I wallowing in self pity is not going to change that." She reached up and brought Nick's head down to where she could reach it and planted a kiss on his forehead, "you are going to make a terrific Dad."

Nick blushed and grinned, "Thanks." He got down on his knees on the deck and spoke to Sam's stomach, "You hear that? I'm going to be a kick ass Dad, your Mommy even thinks so. You are two lucky kids!"

Sam sat on the edge of Melinda's chair and Nick crept over to Dylan and Kevin, tucking his husband and son under a thin blanket, knowing how cold Kevin got sometimes if he had a sweating spell while sleeping. He kissed both of their foreheads and sat in the chair across from Melinda and Sam.

The two women watched him look over towards Kevin again and a smile lift the corners of his mouth when he saw Kevin rouse himself a little and look down to see Dylan sleeping on his chest, then put his head back down and fall asleep with a grin on his face. He knew Kevin lived for moments like those. Moments that Dylan might not remember, but that Kevin would take to his grave in his heart.

Sam and Melinda saw it all and were just as touched as Nick was by the scene. Melinda laced her fingers with Sam's and leaned so her cheek was resting on Sam's stomach, "How has he been doing?"

The smiled fell off of Nick's face, "He's doing ok. It's starting though. He's getting night sweats a lot and he gets tired very easily. The cancer has made him anemic so even climbing the stairs some days he has to take a little rest or go very slow the whole way up. He's been trying really hard not to let the effects show, so I know for damn sure that when I am seeing them, they've gotten so bad he can't hide them anymore."

Sam and Melinda both sighed and blinked back the tears. It was killing them watching Nick and Kevin being so brave and it was breaking their hearts knowing their son would be growing up without his father. There was no one around them that wasn't hurting from this situation. Sam and Melinda knew that no matter how bad they were feeling, it had to be worse for Kevin and Nick. And no matter what both of them said, they knew that Kevin and Nick had to be the strongest people on the face of the earth right now.

Nick was still not used to the sight of AJ not making a grand, and usually loud, entrance. But over the past month, he had learned to tone his entrances down considerably since no one knew for sure when Kevin would be napping to keep his strength up. And Nick felt horrible about it. He could tell that Kevin was feeling guilty that everyone around them had changed. Through no fault of his own. But the fact was everything had changed and it wasn't ever going to get better. Nick didn't like to look into the future, it was a place that scared him. It was a place he was going to be without Kevin. The man who had been there one way or another since he was 13 years old....

Nick shook his head and bit his lip, choking back the howl that was on the edge of this lips. There would be time to think about all of this later. When it was over. Not now. Now was for holding and kissing, for touching and telling and showing him he is loved and will be missed. God, will he be missed.

Nick got up and hugged him, clapping him on the back as AJ did the same to him. That was something else that had changed because of all of this. As affectionate as they were before, it had now become more meaningful. They never left each other without a hug and words of comfort or friendship, whichever was needed. They no longer took each other's presence for granted. They had all learned from this. Never take anything for granted. Never take anyONE for granted.

AJ pulled away from Nick and hugged Melinda and Sam, not being able to resist rubbing Sam's belly. Behind him were Brian and Howie, holding huge canvas bags. Nick knew what they were. More mail.

Ever since the announcement of Kevin being sick, the BSB Fun Club HQ had be inundated with letters and cards and packages from fans all over the world. The charities set up for each of them were flooded with money, even charities that weren't in their names were sending letters thanking them for the increase in donations, that were placed in Kevin's name. That made Kevin happy, and to see Kevin's smile when he read the letters from charities praising their fans for their generosity, that meant the world to Nick.

As had become a ritual now, Nick, Brian, Howie, AJ, Sam and Melinda started sorting through the mail. Kevin couldn't read it. He had tried but he was overwhelmed by the raw emotions of the fans writing him, some with cancers and other terminal diseases, and some simply begging him to fight with all he had and not to die. After a few days of holding Kevin until he cried himself to sleep after reading the letters, it was decided that they would read the letters themselves and give Kevin the highlights without the heart wrenching.

They would have liked to answer every letter themselves, but the volume of them that came pouring in every day made it impossible, for every bag that they plowed through, there were four more to take it's place. Finally, a full page ad in Rolling Stone was taken out by the Boys thanking their fans for their support, their prayers and the overwhelming generosity they had shown charities the world over. It wasn't the same as a personal letter to each fan, but it was the closest they could come and the fans understood that.

For hours the seven of them read letter after letter, stopping for breaks when Dylan woke up and when Max had to be let outside. Nick didn't read as many letters as the rest of them, but they understood the reasons for his lack of speed. Every movement by Kevin was watched by Nick's loving eyes and he was there by Kevin's side if only to straighten the blanket around him or simply watch his chest rise and fall as he breathed.

When Kevin did wake up, Nick's face was the first thing he saw, a smile lighting up his sleepy face as he reached out to caress Nick's cheek with the back of his fingers. "I love you."

The others watched discreetly from where they were, knowing this was Kevin and Nick's ritual when he woke up. It never failed to touch them deeply, seeing the completely uncensored love between the two of them. They refused to hide a single emotion from each other in these moments, and to every person in that room, it was the most awe inspiring thing about the two of them. The total and unconditional love they had for each other.

Nick offered Kevin a hand and pulled him until he was sitting up, then sat on the couch with Kevin, wrapping him in his arms and letting his husband wake up fully, wrapped in his warm arms. Nick spoke softly to him, kissing his temple, rubbing his arms, breathing in the scent of him.

It was Nick's secret addiction. He loved everything about Kevin, especially the way he smelled almost like oranges and ocean air. He would take the memory of that smell with him always. To Nick it was the smell of home, more than home cooking or baking bread, it was this smell that was just Kevin's that told him he was home, that he was in a place that, without question, was where he belonged.

Around them, Dylan was being chased by a rapidly growing Max the Dog and Sam was holding Howie's hand to her stomach so he could feel the baby moving around, Melinda was keeping a watchful eye on her son, AJ was laughing and urging Dylan to run faster and Brian was standing at the front door, looking at the person on the front step with unbelieving eyes.