Fall From Grace

Chapter 23

Kevin looked around at everyone crowded in the backyard, sitting at picnic tables and some in the pool and others spread out on the basketball court and the grass. The people who loved them, the people who accepted them unconditionally. It was a great day. Today he and Nick could just do whatever and not worry about what anyone thought because they all knew about them.

He saw it all with new eyes, a voice inside him questioning how many more of these gatherings he would see.

This was his first, last and only wedding anniversary, that much he did know. And the thought gnawed at the pit of his stomach. It was as if the act of him having everything he had wished for had brought about his downfall. Like the success, the true soulmate to share his life with, a son, two more children on the way and a group that was almost closer than family had been the catalyst for tragedy. Maybe having everything aligned around somehow ripped the fabric of his existence.

Whatever had caused it one thing was for sure. It wasn’t fucking fair. But he’d learned this much, life rarely was.

He squeezed the hand that lay in his lap and turned his head to meet the startling blue eyes of his husband and smiled.

He could tell Nick too was thinking about how many more moments like this they had to share together. But he, like Kevin, was pushing the thought aside to enjoy the moments they did have. They both had all of eternity to ponder life’s fairness and to look back on moments like this with emotions they couldn’t hope to grasp now.

Kevin started to lean closer to Nick, intending on indulging in a public kiss, but that plan was thwarted when a throat was cleared directly in front of them. Both Kevin and Nick turned towards the sound and found Brian, Howie, AJ, Denise, Sam, Melinda, Dylan, The Carter's, Trey and Jackie Littrell standing there. Kevin and Nick smiled at them, "Yes?"

They didn't say a word, a box was simply handed to Kevin, wrapped in Blue paper and a dark green bow.

Kevin looked up at the group and then back down at the box, "What's this?"

Howie grinned, "It's your anniversary present. If we told you what's in the box, it wouldn't be a present!"

Kevin rolled his eyes and looked at Nick, "Would you like to do the honors?"

Nick smiled, "You go ahead."

Kevin loosened the bow and slid it off the box and then ripped the paper, getting Dylan to help him. When the box was cleared of the paper, he pulled off the top and looked down among the tissue paper, finding a leather bound book laying there.

They both looked at it as Nick reached in and pulled it from the box, turning it over. On the front in gold letters were the words, "The Story Of Nick And Kevin"

Their jaws dropped as they opened the book and on the inside of the cover were the signatures of everyone who had been at their wedding or a part of their lives together. They started to flip through the book and there were pictures of Kevin and Nick, some with the other guys, some just by themselves, from the early stages of the group. From when the recording headphones nearly covered Nick's entire head. Kevin's face lit up when he saw a picture of him with Nick sitting between his legs, teaching him how to play nintendo. Kevin was concentrating on the screen, but Nick was looking up at Kevin, and the look on his face…..

Nick was looking at the same picture, "Remember what I told you? I always loved you, I was just too young and stupid to know what it was." His finger traced the image of his younger self and the look of pure adoration that was on his face. He lifted his finger off the page and together they flipped through more pages. It was documenting every part of their relationship, by the people closest to them in their words and pictures. Things in pictures that didn't click anything until years later their family and friends looked back at them with new eyes and there were the beginnings of a relationship hidden in those pictures. Hidden so deep not even Kevin and Nick knew about it. But it was there.

They hit more recent pictures and found the ones Brian took of them sleeping on their couch after Nick had given Kevin the painting he had done for over the fireplace. Nick grinned "Where….when…."

Brian grinned, "I just happened to have a camera in my luggage….and y'all looked so gosh durn cute!"

Kevin and Nick rolled their eyes as everyone laughed.

AJ cleared his throat, "You can look at all of this later, but go to the ribbon for right now."

The two of them looked down at the book and found a ribbon place marker, flipping the pages over to get to it. When they found the pages the ribbon was laid between, Kevin put his hand to his mouth, there on the left page was pictures of Dylan from his first breath and through the first three years of his life. In the center of the page was Dylan's scrawl proclaiming how much he loved his Daddies. On the next page were pictures taken just days ago of he and Dylan having their big talk about heaven. He flipped the page and saw the one of he and Dylan doing the Jellybean blown up so it almost covered the entire page.

Nick leaned on Kevin, his eyes sparkling as he looked up at his husband, "If I have to remember you in one moment for the rest of my life, I want it to be this one."

Kevin smiled and choked down the tears in his throat. He leaned over and kissed Nick softly, "I love you."

Nick smiled and kissed the tip of Kevin's nose, "I love you too."

Kevin looked up at everyone gathered around them, "Thank you. I….this is the most special gift we could have gotten for our anniversary. The time you must have spent on this…all the pictures and letters….thank you."

Nick nodded with what Kevin was saying. He was overwhelmed by how much thought and time had went into this.

* hoooonnnkkk *

Everyone looked to see where the noise came from and found AJ.

He was emoting bigtime into a comically large hanky. Nick rolled his eyes; leave it to AJ to break the moment. He grinned when he saw Denise cuff him on the back of the head and roll her eyes at him.

AJ winced and gave his mom the puppy dog eyes, "But Moooooooom. It was getting entirely too mushy!"

Everyone giggled a little and rolled their eyes at AJ. Leave it to Bone.

Brian grinned at his best friend and his cousin, "Turn the page."

Kevin turned the page on the book and attached to the page were two envelopes, one with his name and one with Nick's. He recognized the one with Nick's name on it and the one with his name was in Nick's writing. He knew that he had been asked to write his feelings on his first anniversary and Nick by Brian and seeing the envelope with his name, he knew it had been part of a plan.

They both opened the envelopes and pulled out the paper from inside.

Nick unfolded the paper with curiosity and read what was written there,

My Dearest Nick,

You know I've never been good at expressing my feelings in anything other than music, but for you, for this day, I will try.

Before you, I believed with all my heart that there is one person out there for everyone. That somehow, someway your soul is connected to another one out there in the world and through fate or some other force you will meet that person and you will just know you have met your other half. Having met you. I know this is true.

That person for me is you, Nick. You are the other half of me in so many ways, that when I think back on it, I wonder how I survived the years before I knew you. It wasn't until I was completed in every way that I realized what I had been missing all my life.

There are so many things about you that I love, that it could take me reams of paper to list them all. Instead, I'll concentrate on the things that I see as the very essence of you.

Nick, you have an incredible capacity for love. You give your heart easily and you give it with everything you have. I know sometimes that it's been thrown back in your face, but you never changed. You just kept on loving like before and that takes a lot of courage and it's the most inspiring thing about you. Being on the receiving end of that love is amazing. I know that no matter what happens in our lives, that love will always be there and it gives me peace like nothing else.

Along with your capacity to love, you also have the most contagious enthusiasm for life that I've ever seen. When we first met, I chalked it up to being barely more than a child, but as the years wore on, the enthusiasm for even the most everyday things never waned and I know that some days that enthusiasm has inspired me more than I can tell you. From stopping and looking at the world from our fans' point of view, to lying out in the backyard and staring up at the stars, you've shared that enthusiasm with me and I'm so much the better for it.

Nick, I know you are telling yourself through all that we are going through now that you have to be strong. Baby, please don't think you are weak. You are the strongest person that I know. When you kept telling me I was strong, during the time I couldn't use my hands, I didn’t believe you. When we made it through to the other side of hell, I knew that OUR strength had gotten us there. I'm not strong, Nick. Not by myself. I am only strong when you are with me.

And you know what? There are times when we are not going to be strong and that's fine. Just as long as we have each other's arms to take shelter in, it's going to be ok. And when I 'm gone help Dylan learn how strong he is. Don't let him think that he has to be strong all the time like I did when my father died. Help him know it's ok to cry. Don't make him wait to find someone as wonderful as you have been for me, to teach him how to live again.

Enough of things to come. Right now is for celebrating.

We have had a year being married and I can say that it's been the best year of my life. You have brought me so much joy, Nick. There were times before that first kiss, that first knowing that this was for real, that I thought that love would never find me because so much of my heart and my joy died with my father. It was only after I almost lost you in that church that I realized that the joy I did have in my life was brought there by you. That, Nickolas, is another thing that I consider your essence. The joy you bring with you.

If I could, I would give every possession I own, every memory I have, every breath I've ever taken for the chance to be with your for the rest of your life, for the chance of a long life together. I would give up everything for you, Nick, if I could.

When you come back someday to read this letter after I'm gone, know that I may not be with you physically, but no force on this earth or beyond it will keep me from watching over you and loving you wherever I may be.

I love you Nick, always. Wherever I am. Whenever you need it most. However I can.

Kevin

Nick sniffled into Kevin's chest. He had started out reading the letter sitting beside him, but the sheer emotions in that letter had led him to seek comfort in the only arms that could bring it. Kevin's. Now he lay in Kevin's arms, his head cradled near the heartbeat that soothed him as he folded the letter and held it in his hands as if it was the most sacred text that had ever touched the face of the earth. To Nick, it was.

Kevin held Nick and stroked his soft hair while reading the papers from his own envelope.

Bumpkin,

When Howie, Bri and Bone asked me to write this letter to your for our anniversary present, I figured it would be no problem. You know me, I'm one to talk and write what I feel all the time. But the one time I need to write what I feel, what I want you to know about our first year together, the words are suddenly not there.

I've been sitting up watching you sleep at night, having the feelings and thoughts right there in my head about how much I love you and what this year has meant to me. But, when I put pen to paper, suddenly the words I want to use don't sound good enough, special enough, to describe you.

At three a.m. and frustrated with not being able to find the words, I asked myself what you would do to break the frustration. The answer was clear to me. You would lose yourself in music until the melody freed the words inside of you and they found their path in one of your songs.

So, as I sit here with my headphones on and you asleep right beside me, I'm listening to a cd that a fan gave me and I've finally found the words. The words of the songwriter are the words that have been eluding me.

It's taking everything I have not to wake you and have you listen to this song. It's as if this woman has watched our relationship and everything we've been through.

Bumpkin, forgive me for not expressing what I feel in my own words, but this one time, I will let the words of another tell you what is here in my heart.

Never Give Up On Me

I've made more mistakes than I can count on my fingertips

I've been ashamed and I have felt guilty as all sin

Counting every tear that drops cannot account for any loss

I'll let the past remain behind me now

Fill it up with goodness

I'll drink it down with love.

Never give up on me

I will never give up on you

You're everything I need

Oh just look what we've been through

So far, So good.

I have wished on every star that shot across my broken heart

I am still amazed that you came true

I have kissed a hundred lips

But none of them compared to this

I have found myself inside of you

You forgive my sad regrets

And I forgive myself

Never give up on me

I will never give up on you

You're everything I need

Oh just look at what we've been through

Never give up on me

I will never give up on you

You're everything I need

Oh just look at what we've been through

I love you.

This is us, Bumpkin. Together no matter the odds. And look at what we've been through and we're still in love. This says what I feel about us. If we believe in each other and never give up on each other, even if we are separated by death, we still have something most people spend their whole lives dreaming about.

I love you, Kevin. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and you are one line of the song to me.

I have wished on every star that shot across my broken heart and I'm still amazed that you came true.

Always,

Nick

Kevin held the letter in his hands and closed his eyes, battling to keep the emotions choked down so he didn't break down in front of everyone. He wished he could hear the song that Nick had written out for him. The words did described them perfectly.

He opened his eyes when Nick left his arms. He found Nick standing in front of him, a hand extended. Everyone at the party was quiet and looking at the two of them. Music was just starting out of the speakers.

"Dance with me, Bumpkin."

Kevin smiled and placed the letter back in the envelope before grabbing Nick's hand.

Nick and Kevin wrapped their arms around each other and danced there in the yard like they were the only two people on the earth. It wasn't until the line that Nick had written in the letter that described his feelings for Kevin, did he realize that it was the song they were dancing to. With a smile he held Nick closer and ran his fingers over the back of his husband's neck and Nick sang the song softly in his ear.

Authors note: want to hear the song? It's Never Give Up On Me by Jann Arden. Click on the title of the song to hear it on real audio.