Fall From Grace

Chapter 38

Kevin quietly opened the door and slid off his shoes while holding tight to the sleeping boy in his arms. With a nod at Nick, he crept up the stairs slowly. Trying not to jostle Dylan enough to wake him, and make the trip without having to stop on the landing half way up, to let the fluttering spasms dancing up and down the back of his legs stop from strengthening into crippling pain.

"Slow and steady wins the race." He murmured to himself, smiling at how becoming an instant dad had affected him. He now had an almost limitless knowledge of bedtime stories and the morals behind them. Gone was the schedules and contracts, and in were the tortoise and the hare, the Mad Hatter and his tea party and Harry Potter. And he wouldn't give up this overtaking of his brain for the world.

Reaching Dylan's room just as the familiar tremors raced up his legs and formed a knot at the base of his spine, he moved carefully, slowly, as he laid his son on the bed and tucked the covers around him.

Dylan yawned kittenishly, his little body exhausted from the riding and the park, dinner, and ice cream afterwards. He rubbed his eyes with his fists and opened them up, "Daddy?"

Kevin leaned closer over his son, even as the tremors of warning turned to screams within him, "Yes, Jellybean?"

Dylan blinked owlishly and yawned again, "I wanna be a cowboy when I grow up."

Kevin sat on the edge of Dylan's bed, knowing if he stood any longer, he'd be unable to control the shaking of his legs. He took a slow breath and dug his fingers into the bedsheets in a white-knuckle grip, "You can be anything you want, Jellybean. No matter what you do, I'll always be proud of you. Always."

Dylan held out his arms, silently asking for Kevin's okay to get out from under the covers for a hug.

Forcing his fingers to unclench in their hold on comforter, he nodded his head at Dylan. He wrapped his arms around the tiny body that crawled onto his lap, the little boy oblivious to the razorblade splinters of pain that shot through his father's body at the gentle contact.

Kevin closed his eyes and inhaled the familiar smell of sleepy child as he begged his body for the strength to get the little boy in his arms tucked back in bed before shattering the pain around him.

With another squeeze and a kiss on the forehead, Kevin re-tucked Dylan into his covers and rubbed his back in circles as he drifted back to sleep. Kevin's other hand was carefully hidden away, gripping the spindle of the foot board so tightly that a soft snap could be heard as Kevin's grip pulled it from it's anchor.

Still, the gentle hand on Dylan's back never faltered in it's rhythm, until the slow rasp of Dylan's deep, easy breathing let his father know that he was back asleep.

Not willing to chance Dylan's eyes opening again, Kevin took another slow, deep breath and gripped the edge of the mattress, forcing his body to obey his will and let him walk out of the room upright.

Slowly, carefully and most of all, quietly, he raised himself to his feet on muscles that alternated between screaming in protest and complete rebellion, threatening to throw his entire equilibrium off balance. Concentrating on each muscle he needed to propel himself forward, he ignored the shock waves of pain that radiated from the knot at the base of his spine with each footfall. The sliver of light that shone in from the hallway like a beacon, urging him to it where, safely on the other side, he could allow the pain to take over his body. But not until then. Not a step before then.

Never before had the span of a room seemed this unbelievably wide to him. Not even the desperate crawl from the bathroom to the phone, with the life bleeding out of him, had seemed this long.

Step by step, he willed himself towards that light, nearly weeping with relief when the door opened as he reached it and Nick's shadow fell across him. Only then did he let the screams inside of him run free as he collapsed into Nick's arms and let the explosions detonate within.

Nick grunted as the full weight of Kevin fell into him and instinctively he knew now was not the time for questions, but for action.

Without a word, he lifted Kevin's spasming body into his arms and carried him to their bedroom. Placing him on the bed, his hand reached for the morphine pen-shot with a practiced movement that if he had thought about it, would have scared him. Hearing the hiss of both Kevin and the needle hitting its mark, Nick slid the basin under Kevin's chin and waited for the inevitable sound of Kevin's body rebelling against the pain.

Once he had removed the basin and used a kleenex to wipe his husband's face, he pulled away and regarded Kevin's shining skin and the flush that had climbed it's way up his throat and across his cheeks, trying to gauge how bad it was.

Coughing, Kevin buried his face in a pillow and grimaced, "Jesus Christ, Nick. Jesus fucking Christ."

It was bad. For Kevin to even acknowledge the pain, he knew it was bad. For him to use profanity with it….it was bad.

Nick rubbed his fingers down the length of Kevin's spine, "Where is it worse? Shoulders or base?"

Kevin dug his fingers into the give of the pillow, "How…." He coughed again, choking back the groan that was clawing it's way up his throat, making it hard to swallow.

Nick watched as the muscles bunched beneath the skin at the base of Kevin's spine. Without another word, he laid his hands on the spasming skin and dug the hells of his palms into the hardened muscles, wrenching a grunt from Kevin. "How did I know it was your back? Boo, it's spasming so bad I can see it through your shirt." Nick leaned hard on his hands, dragging them deep into the muscles and kneading them hard.

Kevin grunted again and winced into the pillow, knowing that to get any relief Nick had to work the muscles that hard. Right now, he had complete sympathy for women in labor. What he was feeling at that moment felt for all the world like the back labor his sister-in-law had spoken of in wincing recollection. She'd compared it to a bulldozer trying to push your spine out of your body from the inside out. He'd never understood that description until now. It literally felt like Nick's hands were the only things holding his spine inside his body.

He knew if he could only hold on long enough for the morphine to work, the shot would take enough of the edge off so that his spine wouldn't erupt from his body like the molten lava it seemed to be made of. 'Hold on. I just have to hold on.' He could feel the merciful nothingness crawling it's way through his veins, his fingers tingling as they sunk into the mattress and seems to fall right through it.

Nick felt Kevin's muscles releasing as he worked them, feeling his arms almost liquefy below his fingertips as he coaxed the muscles further down to give in.

His arms burned when he finally felt Kevin's muscles succumb to the tide of slow numbing and fall still.

Kevin sighed out the lump of suppressed groans from his throat and turned his head to the side where he felt the mattress shift as Nick spread out beside him. He slid his numb fingers over the sheets to rest before Nick's face on the pillow and raised a finger to lazily trace the sloe of his husband's nose, frowning as much as he could with the tingling numbness of his face, "I almost dropped him. They were there and then they weren't. My arms just disappeared, even though I was holding him, Nick."

Nick tilted his head back as Kevin touched the tip of his nose and kissed the tip of this finger, "I know, Bumpkin. We're just going to have to be careful. Let me do the carrying and you get all the sitting and cuddling. It's a good deal, you get the good stuff and I get the pack mule duties."

Kevin shook his head listlessly, "I shouldn't have to give up carrying him, Nick. That's just so wrong. My body just keeps betraying me. Dylan shouldn't have to worry if Daddy's going to drop him."

Nick saw the frustration cloud Kevin's face and he wanted to do nothing more than hold him close and soothe it away. If only he had the magic words to whisper the away. But, for now all he could do was listen as Kevin talked it through to a resolution.

Kevin had always been in control. Over all of them and over his own body. Now, with every turn, his body was revealing the smoke and mirrors that hid behind what they now knew was the fragile illusion that control had been all along.

Nick reached out and pulled Kevin's boneless body to him and rolled on his back, settling Kevin's body against his and ran his fingers over the back of Kevin's neck as his head rested on Nick's chest, "Dylan didn't notice anything, Kevin. All he knew is that he got to be superman for a minute and he's been bugging me every five minutes to let him fly again. We're just going to have to make adjustments, that's all."

Nick put his finger on Kevin's lips as he felt him open his mouth and take a breath to speak, "I want you to think about something. I want you to think about Superman."

He felt Kevin's lips move against his finger, "Superman?"

Nick nodded, even though Kevin couldn't see him, "Yep, Superman. Christopher Reeve fell off that horse and in one split second he couldn't hold his son anymore or feel little arms wrapped around his chest in a hug. But does that make him any less of a Daddy?"

Nick ran his fingers through Kevin's hair, "You can still walk Kevin, you can still feel Dylan's arms around you. Yeah, things aren't ideal right now, but you have that. And when the time comes when you don't have the strength for that any more, you can still listen and talk to him, tell him stupid stories about his doofy Daddy Nick who had the really big crush on his Daddy when he was still just a kid." He heard Kevin chuckle and smiled himself, "Self-pity wastes time Kevin. And we don't have a lot of that. Dylan and I aren't going to let you go a second before we have to, and that includes kicking your ass out of a pity party if we need to."

Kevin raised his head and planted his chin on Nick's chest, "When did you get so smart, Love?"

Nick smiled at him, his eyes sparkling, "I learned from the best."

Kevin beamed a smile at him and Nick grinned, "They just don't give Sesame Street the credit it deserves these days."

Butting his forehead against Nick's ribs, Kevin groaned, "You are such a butthead!"

Nick laughed, "But you love me anyway. Don't even try to deny it."

Kevin grinned, "Why deny it? I've always had a soft spot for doofy buttheads. I'm man enough to admit that."

Nick rolled his eyes with a laugh, "The morphine has hit your brain, hasn't it?"

Kevin grinned and snuggled closer to Nick, "Maaaaayyyyybbeeeeeee."

With a chuckle, Nick cuffed the back of Kevin's head, "Get some sleep, Dopey."

Kevin's head popped up lazily and his bottom lip was pulled out in a very good approximation of the famous Carter pout, "Who you calling Dopey, Nickorice?"

His eyes widening, Nick raised an eyebrow at his husband, "Nickorice? Care to explain that one? Wasn't Nickers bad enough?"

Grinning like a madman, Kevin lolled his head from side to side, in as close as he could get to shaking his head no without lifting it from Nick's chest. "Not nearly. I love Nickolas and I like Licorice. So why not put two of my favorite things together? Nickorice."

That got a groan from Nick, "Oh my god. I am so hoping you don't remember this when you wake up and the morphine is gone."

"Not a chance, Nickorice." Kevin yawned and snuggled his face into Nick's shirt, "I'm going to remember this one."

"Get some sleep, Bumpkin."

Yawning again, Kevin nodded, "Nickorice, remind me tomorrow to get started on the list."

Nick nodded and rubbed Kevin's shoulders, "I can do that. Good night, B."

There was no answer. Kevin was already sound asleep, cuddled up to Nick.

Nick sighed and looked up at the ceiling. 'Thank you for holding off until I was back here. My god, if Brian had been here for that…or if Dylan had been awake…" He shivered, not even wanting to think of either one of those options. His own eyelids felt heavy as he pulled the blanket over them and closed his eyes.

Seconds later they flew back open. He'd carried Kevin down the hallway. Kevin, the man who was as big as he was and had twice the muscle mass. The man he could barely lift before. He ran his fingers slowly down Kevin's sides and felt something that his eyes hadn't registered when he was drawing. He could feel ribs now, and the spaces in between them. Something he'd never felt before on Kevin, there'd always been muscle to fill those gaps between the ribs.

It was a long time before Nick slept that night. His fingers tracing over the grooves until his fingertips were numb. Now if only he could do that to his heart…

TBC