Fall From Grace

Chapter 40

Nick pulled the blanket tighter around Kevin, still a little awed that he’d gotten over his fear of flying. Right now, he was on a small little private plane, just the kind he couldn’t stand the most, on their way to New York City and it wasn’t even fazing him.

It’s amazing, he thought, how suddenly something like a fear of flying seems pretty insignificant when life’s really scary stuff slaps you in the face with a reality check. Compared to watching your soul mate waste away and die from poison in his blood, hurtling through the air in an oversized tin can didn’t seem all that bad.

Kevin shivered against him, and Nick wrapped the blanket tighter around his husband’s shoulders and made sure his toque was pulled down over his head. They’d all realized rather quick how much body heat you lost through your head, it wasn’t just something your mom told you when you were a kid to make you wear the dorky hat with the ear flaps. Alex took great delight in reminding them that he’d known all along about the great benefits of hats, until Howie pointed out that he had an early start on this revelation, having the rapidly receding hairline and all.

Even though he hated the small private planes, he was thankful for the privacy it gave them. He didn’t have to worry about prying eyes past the curtains into where they were in first class. On this plane, he could be himself and do what he needed to do, which was hold Kevin as he slept and make sure that he stayed warm. He got so cold so easily. He’d always been a blast furnace before….He had to stop thinking this way. What was before didn’t matter now. He couldn’t think of it, he wouldn’t let himself. Now was all he needed to concentrate on, not the past, not the future, just on now. If he thought on past and future, on what he had and what he stood to lose, he would drive himself insane. So, at this moment, his world consisted of the man in his arms and his friends around him. And when the people changed, so would his world.

His fingers strayed over the back of Kevin’s neck as he watched Alex, Howie and Brian playing cards, smirking when he realized that Brian still had the world’s worst poker face. Nick didn’t know why Brian had never figured out that the reason he got cleaned out every time is because all they had to do was watch his eyes and they’d know exactly what kind of hand he had. Watching Brian’s eyes light up as the cards were dealt again as Howie and Alex watched and then glanced back down at theirs, Brian met Nick’s eyes and smirked.

Nick’s jaw dropped. The bugger knew! He knew that they could read him and he didn’t care!

With a wiggle of his eyebrows, Brian turned his attention back to his card and played out his good hand with no resistance from Howie and Alex. He’d won the hand, not won much in the way of winnings….but as Nick looked at him, he wondered if he’d won something better than the quarters that lay in stacks around the three of them.

He watched Brian deal the next hand and the inevitable flicker in his eyes as the other two looked up at him. This time, when they looked down, Brian smiled softly at the top of their bald heads and concentrated on his own cards. Throwing his quarters into the pool, he started the hand.

It clicked. Watching it from a distance, he could see it now. For Brian, it wasn’t about what he was winning or losing, he was playing the game because he got something more than the occasional stack of quarters out of it. He was playing because of who he was playing with, not what he was playing for.

Nick could never tell where his "whoa" moments were going to come from. But watching Brian playing poker and why he played it, something clicked inside of him. He suddenly understood the clarity that Brian had inadvertently led him to, that it wasn't about winning against the aids and cancer or losing Kevin. It was about enjoying the game until one by one each person folded. It was about playing the game with people you knew would be with you long after their last card was dealt.

He knew Kevin would be leaving, but he also knew with that same clarity that he had to play Kevin's hand out with him. Everyone already knew what lay in Nick's cards for this hand, but now he understood it was not about winning or losing. He'd missed the whole point of the game. But Brian hadn't. It was all about who you played the game with.

"Nicky?"

Blinking, he looked up at Alex, seeing him turned his way with a worried expression on his face. "Yeah Alex?"

Setting his cards down, Alex tilted his head. "What's up Nicky?"

Shrugging as best he could with Kevin sleeping in his arms, he smiled a little, "Just thinking."

Folding his cards onto the table, Howie smiled back at him, "About what?"

Nick bit his lip. He couldn't tell them what he'd just figured out. They would think he was nuts. He was Nicky, and Nicky did not have thoughts like this…or did he? He'd changed so much; it was hard to know any more. Looking at the table where the poker game was laid out, he looked at Brian, then at Howie. "Just that Brian plays the game better than we ever gave him credit for."

Two of them looked confused, but Brian was smiling and his cheeks were pink. He knew. Nick could tell, just by looking in his eyes.

Alex knew there was more going on in Junior’s head than he was letting on. But now was not the time to call him on it. He just shrugged, filed away the mental note to talk to Nick and turned back to the card game.

When Nick felt the plane start descending, he pulled Kevin closer and whispered gently in his ear, "Bumpkin? Time to wake up. We’re close."

With a grunt, Kevin buried his face further into Nick’s chest, "Wake me up when we land."

With a smile, Nick pulled back from Kevin and lifted his mate’s head until it was level with his, the eyes still stubbornly closed. "You are too adorable when you’re grumpy." With that, he kissed over Kevin’s cheeks and nose, and then rubbed the pad of his thumb over the prominent jawline, following up the touch with a row of kisses.

The eyelids fluttered and one eye opened, "Mmm. I like that. Never get tired of being woken up that way."

With a smile, Nick kissed him full on the lips. "That’s good. I never get tired of waking you up that way." He kissed him again, "Love you."

Kevin sighed softly and blinked the rest of the sleep from his eyes, "Love you too." He hugged Nick tightly and rested his chin on the sturdy shoulder, just breathing him in.

Nick hugged him back, loving the feeling of a sleepy Bumpkin in his arms. It felt soft and warm. Like being wrapped up in his favorite blanket. He kissed the side of Kevin’s neck and sighed in contentment. "You excited about debuting the video?"

Kevin nodded against his neck, "Yeah, I am. I just hope the fans don’t realize that it’s really a goodbye and not just a thank-you."

"I wonder if Carson’s still a goober." Kevin’s chuckle against his skin caused a shiver to race through him. Nick grinned, "What? He’s a goober, you have to admit that much."

Kevin lifted his head and looked up at Nick, shaking his head while he smiled, "I will admit he has gooberish tendencies, but he has an awful lot of sway with what those little teenies think of us. He’s their own personal Jesus and all."

Nick grimaced, "You just did not quote Depeche Mode. Tell me that was not intentional."

The shit-eating grin on Kevin’s face was all the answer he needed.

With a roll of his eyes, Nick pushed up the edge of Kevin’s toque and kissed the center of his forehead, "You, my love, are old."

Kissing the younger man’s chin before he could pull away, he wiggled his eyebrows, "But with age comes experience and wisdom." He cupped Nick’s face in his hands and leaned close to his ear, "And the tongue thing."

An involuntary shudder rattled through Nick and he found himself blushing against his will, "Oh, I like the tongue thing. The tongue thing is good."

With a smirk, Kevin Nick’s cap off and nuzzled behind his ear, his tongue doing the thing until Nick was practically purring. Kevin just chuckled against his skin again and nearly did Nick in with the sensation.

The speaker crackled to life on the plane’s ceiling, "Good Morning, Gentlemen. If you will direct your attention to the left aft quarters of the plane, I’d like to point out an area of sociological interest. Here we have two people that are currently engaged in the pursuit of actually proving that diabetes can indeed be an airborne and visually contagious disease."

Both Kevin and Nick glared at Alex, who was innocently holding the P.A. microphone, drawing the curtain in front of him, "Ignore the man behind the curtain. This is the CAPTAIN speaking."

Whipping a basketball at the curtain, they heard the "Urngghhh! Through the speakers and Nick bowed while Brian, Howie and Kevin all applauded him with polite golf claps.

"You all suck."

That gave them all a good laugh as Alex slunk back through the curtain, pouting the whole way. The speaker clicked back on and they all instinctively looked up at it, "Good Morning gentlemen, this is the real captain speaking. We're approaching Newark now. We should be on the ground in 20 minutes. The weather is sunny and mild. We've been advised that security will be waiting for you on the tarmac along with the car from MTV. Kevin, Marcus left a message for you. 'Its' a go.' He said you would know what that meant. Please stow any loose items and fasten your seatbelt for our descent."

Howie raised an eyebrow at Kevin as Nick folded the blanket that had been over them, "What is "it", Kevin?"

The only answer he got was a smirk

Once they were on the ground, it was all go, go, go. They had rehearsal for TRL and phone interviews for the three biggest Top 40 stations in the city to hype their appearance on MTV. Kevin stayed quiet, only answering the inevitable question on his health and leaving the rest up to more than capable hands of the other four. He knew the less said, the better. The fans would know. Just by the sound of his voice, they would know this was goodbye.

Once the radio phoners were done, they were herded into makeup and there the hats came off for the first time since they had landed. They were started at for a full minute before being attacked with a vengeance that left Nick cringing, "Oh good GOD! I thought makeup on our faces was bad. This is sooo much worse. Eurgh! You could use my head for chalk there's so many layers of crud on there."

The other four pulled faces in the mirror in agreement.

When they were given the go-ahead, they made their way to the green room and straightened each other's hats, making fun of clothing choices and the lovely shade of Autumn Peach that was dusted over Howie's cheeks.

Kevin just sat back watching it all, laughing at the chaos his brothers packed up and brought with them everywhere they went. With everything that had changed lately, it was nice to have that constant there. When he caught Brian's eye, he smirked and walked over to him, pinching his cheeks until they turned bright red. "There you go. Leave Mr. Peach alone, you don't need to be jealous anymore, now you have your very own shade. I call it, 'passionate-pinch-me puce'."

Brian just looked at him, his jaw flopping. "You. Are. A. Cruel. Man." He turned to look into the glass of one of the picture frames to see how bad it was and whined when he saw they were flaming red, "Awwwww Maaaaaaannnn! That's not going to go away! You suck. You just suck!"

The wide grin on Nick's face scared Brian. He knew that grin. He also knew that whatever was coming out of his mouth was gonna be something he just didn't want to hear.

"Actually…sucking can be a good thing.."

Poor Brian didn't know whether to cover his eyes or his ears. If he could have lopped his head off and thrown it into the hallway, he would have done it.

The fact that everyone was howling at his reaction didn’t help matters much either. He glared at them, knowing he was pouting, but not being able to help it. "Bastards. Every last one of you."

They only laughed harder.

They all quieted when a quick knock was heard on the door. The same head-setted intern that had led them into make-up opened the door and gave them their five-minute call. Without another word, she was gone in another burst of caffeine fueled quickness.

Almost as if choreographed, they all turned to Kevin. The corners of his mouth twitched upwards slightly, "Faces, Boys."

That was the cue that started the transition in all of them. Kevin stood straighter and the light that Nick had put back in his eyes dulled, hidden behind the safety of Kevin Backstreet. He was in control and there was no pain, because there couldn't be. They would see it and they would know.

Alex slipped into AJ, calm surrendering to manic and thoughts better left unspoken hidden behind a knowing smirk and a dark pair of sunglasses. He bounced on the balls of his feet, his voice humming a nameless tune as he pulled off his long-sleeved over-shirt and slid the last of his rings on his fingers.

Howie's sharp, knowing eyes faded into the doe-eyed gaze of Sweet D. His face cleared thoughts of Caroline and Kevin and concern for his family and friends away, the corners of his mouth curving upwards softly. Howie D. turned to AJ and nodded, ready to go.

Brian's face curled into B-rok's smile, he rolled his shoulders as he sent a quick prayer upwards and felt his skin grow thicker, trying to protect it's owner from the hype surrounding them, the hysteria, and the whispered words he heard from every corner about Leighanne. Words he knew were not true, but that did not make them any less sharp as they lodged themselves in his skin.

Nick hugged Kevin from behind, resting his forehead on the Back of Kevin's neck before they separated to get into Backstreet mode. He took a deep breath and let it out in a slow stream. He opened his eyes and the whole way he held his body changed, oozing equal parts liquid sex and overwhelmed, shy Nicky. His eyes hooded and his hands started to fidget, not quite knowing what to do with themselves when wrapping them around Kevin was not an option.

They all surveyed each other with Backstreet eyes, brown meeting blue, meeting hazel, meeting green, meeting blue. It was showtime.

They instinctively met hands with the one beside them and squeezed. Kevin met each of their eyes, "We can do this."

AJ nodded, "We're fighting this together."

Howie D. squeezed his hand, "Taking it one day at a time."

B-rok stepped in, "Thank you for your prayers and s..support."

Nick patted his shoulder, "This isn't good-bye, it's until we meet again."

They stood silently in their circle until the knock on the door came again and they were on their way to their marks.

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