Fall From Grace
Chapter 42
By Danielle
After the initial stunned silence, the outpouring of support was almost a physical wave that threatened to throw them off their stools. The audience cooed and awwed and then, to the boys surprise, were on their feet applauding them.
Nick squirmed in his chair, he appreciated the gesture, but being applauded for this just seemed wrong, it cheapened it to a publicity ploy. He stood up and motioned with his hands for quiet. When he received it, he lifted the mic to his mouth while the audience and his bandmates all watched, waiting to hear what he was going to say. Hell, so was he. He wasn’t even sure he could find the words.
"Uh…thank you, but we don’t deserve your applause. Not for this. What we did, we did out of love for Kevin. You know, we may just be a stupid boyband to some people out there, but beyond that, we’re family. And there isn’t one of us who wouldn’t lay down their life for Kevin if it would make him better.
If you want to applaud something, applaud everyone out there who has this and aren’t as lucky to have the support that Kevin does or applaud the doctors that are working to someday cure this. Shaving our heads with Kevin is the least we can do for all he’s done for us and that doesn’t deserve your applause."
Nick seemed to run out of words and blushed pink when he realized that he had poured out his heart in front of the cameras. He ducked his head and raised the mic again, "Sorry, I’ll just get off my soapbox now."
He was met by nothing but silence. The camera panned the audience where people stood with stunned faces and tears in their eyes. The boys themselves were not much better. When Nick stood, no one expected the eloquence that came tumbling out of his mouth, least of all Nick.
Turning to go back to his stool, he was instead met and engulfed by Kevin’s arms. Hiding his still blushing face in Kevin’s shoulder, Nick held on tight.
The lump in Kevin’s throat was so big he didn’t know if he could speak. He tried and nothing, then he cleared his throat and tried again. It was still no good. Even if he could find his voice, what does someone say to something like that? There just aren’t even the words. Instead, he just hugged him tighter as the image of the two of them faded out on televisions across the U.S. and went to commercials.
No one moved during the break, except for Brian, Howie and AJ who, joined Kevin and Nick, offering their silent support.
The rest of the show went quickly, after videos and the news segment, there was only time for a few questions from the audience which were, not surprisingly, if the group was breaking up, how they were all doing and their plans for the future. They answered as best they could. In short, they fed lies of omission and half-truths and as much as it didn’t sit right with them, they knew to come clean would be far worse.
The crowds outside were well-behaved, but massive. Instead of being able to leave through the alternate route that had worked successfully for them numerous times before; they were surrounded completely. Working with their security, MTV’s and the NYPD Times Square detachment, it took them over two hours to get out of MTV’s studios without causing hysteria in the crowd. And that was only achieved by not going through the crowd to leave the studios, they went above them. They were flown out via helicopter when the NYPD put their foot down and insisted that traffic had to flow through the square again before the brunt of the end of workday traffic was to begin.
Nick held onto Kevin’s hands so tightly that he was sure he heard a bone crack. Served him right though, the idiot was actually enjoying the helicopter ride. How he ever ended up with a man that had a fascination with flying was beyond him.
Leaning over as far as he dared, he looked out of the window and down at the crowd, seeing from this far up just how immense the size of it was. As they turned away from the studios and continued their flight, there was a resurgence of the feeling Nick had in the studio, only it was stronger this time. He finally realized what it was.
It was relief.
His eyes widened at the conclusion and he sat back further in the seat, letting himself mull over the wave of relief washing through him. He hadn’t known how truly tired of this he was. He didn’t know when all of this had turned from his life into his job, but he suspected it was sometime around when Kevin and Dylan became his reason for everything. And when a two story house on the beach became not just a place to crash between tours but his home.
He thought when his life in the spotlight ended, he would be fighting it tooth and nail, because it was all he’d ever known. But now that it was here, he felt like a band had been loosened from around his chest, letting him take a full breath for the first time in his adult life.
Feeling a gentle squeeze on his hand, Nick turned to Kevin with an eyebrow raised, "You’re just loving this aren’t you, fly boy?"
Kevin grinned at him. "Whatever gave you that idea?"
Nick snorted and rolled his eyes, "I dunno, maybe the bouncing up and down in your seat?"
Kevin grinned and stuck his tongue out at Nick, drawling at him. "Shuddap!"
Grinning, Nick looked out through the window when they descended and squeezed Kevin’s hand harder until he felt them touch down on the roof of the hotel. They were shepherded onto their floor where security left them to their own devices.
Instinctively, they all found their way to Nick and Kevin’s room within a half-hour.
Alex was the last to arrive, with an envelope in his hands and shaking his head in confusion. Upon returning to the hotel, he was told he had a message waiting for him at the front desk. When it was delivered to him, he was expecting nothing more than the fan letters usually left for him. What he got was not what he expected.
Inside of the envelope were passages from Hamlet with the roles of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern highlighted along with a copy of a Playbill with an insert that read, "Notice: For this performance the roles of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern will be played by Alexander McLean and Kevin Richardson." The slip was dated for the last night they would be in New York, in four days. He was confused as all hell.
Kevin raised his head when he saw Alex come into the room and knew just by the look on his face he knew that the package had been received. Meeting Alex’s eyes, Kevin nodded towards the balcony and stood, kissing Nick’s temple as his husband talked with Brian and Howie.
Nick looked up at Kevin and then at Alex and nodded, smiling. Alex had a feeling that Nick knew exactly what was going on.
Kevin met him at the balcony doors and they stepped through together into the cool breeze of a May evening in New York. Alex felt his pockets for his pack of cigarettes and flicked one out, dangling it from his lips as he searched for his lighter.
"You should really think about quitting. Your voice is not going to hold out forever if you keep doing that."
Grunting in acknowledgement, Alex flicked the flint on his lighter and took a deep inhale as the flame took hold of the tobacco. "Yeah, I know. But shit happens, right?"
Fingers moved into Alex’s view and plucked the cigarette out from between his lips. With a cry of protest, he reached to snatch it back when he stopped mid movement in shock.
Kevin took a deep inhale of the smoldering cigarette and held it in his lungs for a half minute before slowly breathing out the stream of smoke into the evening air. Handing the cigarette back to a gaping Alex, he nodded. "I suppose it does."
Taking a deep drag, Alex raised his eyebrows at the man beside him, "Since when do you smoke?"
Shrugging, Kevin took the cigarette again for another slow drag. "I don’t. Not for a long time. Before I knew any of you. I did for a while after…" He trailed off and blew out a trail of perfect rings that shuddered in the air before being disintegrated by the breeze.
It was on the tip of Alex’s tongue to reprimand Kevin, to say it wasn’t good for him to start again now, but really, it wasn’t like smoking was going to kill him any faster at this point. Blowing some rings of his own, he nodded in understanding. "After your dad, right?"
Kevin nodded and watched the lights of the city slowly coming on as darkness fell more and more. "I quit when I realized that I had made a promise to my dad, before...I promised him I would follow my dream. That I would sing. And wrecking my voice with those things was not going to help me keep my promise. So I stopped."
Not knowing what to say, Alex took a last drag off of the cigarette before flicking it off the balcony and watching it leave a trail of still burning shreds of tobacco that looked like firefly lights before they burned themselves out.
"Did I ever thank you?"
Alex’s eyebrows went up as he looked at Kevin, not completely following his train of thought, "For the butt?"
With a small smile, Kevin shook his head, still looking out into the distance beyond the balcony. "No." For the first time since coming out there, he turned to face Alex completely, "For kicking my ass when I needed a good swift one, for taking care of Nick that week I couldn’t be there for him, for all of the things you’ve done for me and for us."
Shaking his head, Alex slapped the envelope against the side of his thigh unconsciously. "No, but you don’t ever need to." He lifted the envelope up, "Is that what this is for?"
Kevin smiled and shook his head, taking the envelope from Alex. "No. This is a different animal all together." He put the envelope on the table to his side, "Nick doesn’t know this, but I heard that conversation you two had that day I came to the house to drop off the video."
It took Alex a second to think back to which conversation was in question. "Where I was trying to get him to…." He trailed off, not knowing how much Kevin had heard.
Kevin looked back out over the horizon again, "When you tried to break through that damn wall he has around all of this." He sighed, "It tore my heart out to hear all of that. I know that state of being. I was that state of being for a long time. And it just kills me that I’m the one that’s bringing it to Nick." He rubbed his hands over his face in frustration, "You know, the best thing I could do for him is to destroy him now, to make him hate me enough to leave or leave myself."
Alex choked on the air in his lungs, opening his mouth to argue that statement to the death if had to. There was no way in hell….
Before he could get a word out, Kevin continued. "It’s what I should do. But I can’t. I want him here with me. I want every day I can get and I’m not letting him go until the day he lets me go. I guess I’m just a selfish bastard that way."
Reaching out, he took the cigarette package from Alex’s shirt pocket and lit another. Taking a deep lungful, he set the package down on the table with the envelope. Alex was too stunned to utter a word in either reply or protest.
"We’re all coping with this in different ways, Alex. Nick is refusing to get mad at the situation, Howie is reliving Caroline every time he looks at me, Brian is dealing with the guilt he feels from trying to separate us in the beginning and he’s questioning his faith. And you Alex. You are coping by taking care of all of us, because I can’t do it anymore."
Alex took the cigarette from Kevin’s hand and tried to inhale past the aching ball in his throat. He couldn’t argue with the truth.
Kevin’s fingers came into view as he stole the cigarette back with no protest. "I see so much of me in you, Alex. Underneath all your wildness and my anal retentive tendencies, you and I are very similar creatures. Ironic isn’t it? The two fatherless boys are the ones that have learned to take care of everyone else."
Taking the passed cigarette, Alex nodded, "We’ve learned through experience, you don’t fuck with family. I don’t care what happens between us, however mad or upset I’ve ever been at any of you, if you need me, I’m there. I’ve had you dodge my punches one minute and rub my back as I bawled the next, just because I needed you." He took a deep drag and exhaled before speaking again, "If there is a lot of you in me, even though I will never admit it publicly again, then you did a great job raising the cocky little shithead you met when we started this group. There is no other man on this earth that I would rather see in myself."
Kevin smiled and then chuckled softly, "And if I do mention it in public?"
Alex gave Kevin a sideways glance and snorted, "I hatched this fucking cool."
Kevin snorted himself and brayed out a laugh, "Whatever you want to believe, Alex. I know better. Mama McLean is very forthcoming with the pictures."
"Touché."
Nodding his head slightly in acknowledgement of the direct hit, Kevin grinned smugly. "I may be sick, but I still got it."
The smile slid off of Alex’s face as he took another drag, "Yeah." Sometimes it was just too easy to forget all of this was happening, until a comment like that one surfaced in the conversation or he caught the sight of one of their bald heads from the corner of his eye. Then it came back with a swift blow to the gut.
Kevin heard the tone of his one word answer and wanted nothing more than to turn around and hug the hell out of Alex just to make him forget, but he knew that the younger man would just shrug out of his arms so he could keep his detachment intact. He knew that Alex, as much as took care of everyone around him, wouldn’t let anyone take care of him without a fight.
Taking the last drag of the cigarette and flicking it over the balcony as Alex had done, Kevin sighed, "Don’t Alex. Don’t fall into it. Just be here right now."
They were both quiet, looking at anything but each other. He fished in his pocket for another cigarette, but came up empty. Absently, he made a mental note to send Marcus out for some when he went back into the room. He tossed the empty package onto the table behind them, seeing it skid up against the envelope sitting there.
"Is it a zebra or an emu?"
Kevin pulled up from the railing with an eyebrow cocked, looking at Alex with confusion clearly written all over his face, "What?"
Nodding towards the envelope that sat on the table, he met Kevin’s eyes. "You said it was a different animal all together. Zebra different, or emu different?"
Laughing softly and shaking his head, Kevin answered his question with another one. "Jesus, Alex. Can’t you just say ‘What’s the deal with the envelope full of Shakespeare?’ like normal people?"
"Watch your language."
Kevin’s other eyebrow shot up along with the first, "Jesus?" he asked, trying to figure out what language Alex was talking about.
Shaking his head, Alex grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at Kevin with a deadpan expression on his face, "Normal."
Throwing his head back with a laugh, Kevin repeated the word under his breath before laughing again. When he calmed down, he picked up the envelope from the table and handed it back to Alex. "You looked through it?"
Nodding, Alex sat at one of the chairs and motioned for Kevin to do the same. "When did you work this?"
Kevin shrugged, "It’s been in the works since Nick and I made the list."
"What list?" Curiosity was prickling through Alex. There hadn’t been a list in his envelope. He knew that for sure.
Kevin found the empty cigarette carton in his fingers and began methodically shredding the lip of it. "The list of things that I want to do before I can’t." He blew the shredded paper off the edge of the table where it fell like snowflakes to the concrete. "There’s places to see and things to settle, but there’s a separate part of the list that has seven things on it right now. That envelope is part of that list. Things that I want to do with one of those seven names written there."
Alex swallowed hard to clear the lump in his throat, "You want to do Shakespeare with me?"
Kevin smiled a little, "No, I want to see you do Shakespeare. I want to see you up there on stage doing something you love. The fact that I get to be by your side on that stage was just a bonus." He put a hand on Alex’s shoulder. "You have so much talent, Alex. I don’t think music can hold it all. Call it a hunch, but I think you having to choose between music and acting when you were younger was good, then, but I think you need to do this. You’ve been denying that part of you for too long."
To say Alex was blown away would be an understatement. It was literally a conscious effort not to let his jaw drop in amazement at how deadly accurate Kevin had been. He’d always wanted to get back into acting a little more, to test the waters, but with everything happening with the group and with Johnny No-Name, he didn’t think he could. But now, the Backstreet Boys were at their curtain call and there was nothing stopping him but his own doubt. And Kevin had just taken that last barrier and broken it for him.
Smiling when he saw Alex’s mouth open and close a few times without a word escaping his lips, he decided to rescue his friend. "I know it’s a lot I’ve thrown at you out of the blue. But all I need to know is if you think you can be ready in four days."
TBC….