Fall From Grace
Chapter 46
By Danielle
Brian stood beside his car, parked on the shoulder of Eagle Creek and looking at the brick and glass building stretched out in front of him. Driving around wasn’t helping him clear what had happened with Kevin from his head. Instead, the rush of wind in his ears seemed to make the thoughts spin even more relentlessly.
When the throbbing in his temples refused to die down, he’d pulled over and stepped out of the car, his breath stolen from him when he recognized the building his wandering had led him to. St. Joseph’s. The place that had both saved him and fundamentally fucked him up in some way he couldn’t even put a finger on until that afternoon.
He didn’t even know where the thoughts that poured out of him came from. It was as if his sub-conscious had suddenly taken control of his vocal cords and all he could do was watch as the words left him and found their target in his cousin. When he’d taken control back, it had been too late.
Taking a deep breath, Brian again saw Kevin’s eyes boring into his with a look that he’d only seen twice before. Once, when his father died, and again when Brian himself was set to go into the hospital, while Kevin and the other three were jetting halfway around the world to an awards show that they’d fought tooth and nail not to attend. Remembering that look the next day had made him break down in near hysterics as they wheeled him to the operating room.
Shaking his head with another deep breath, he opened his eyes and pushed himself away from the car door. Looking at his watch, he climbed back into the car.
* * *
Nick led Aaron and Dylan into the hotel room, the two of them making ninjas of the lion and turtle stuffed animals that Nick had bought at the museum’s souvenir store. Rolling his eyes at them, Nick noticed the quiet in the room and knowing that Kevin was probably napping, he ushered Dylan and Aaron into their room of the suite as quickly as possible.
Kicking his shoes off, Nick made his way over to Kevin. His toes made contact with something that pinged and skittered it’s way across the floor and stopped him in his tracks. The sun shone off of it as it slanted in through the still open balcony door. Nick didn’t need to pick it up to know what it was.
His eyes flicked to the couch and widened at the sprawled figure lying there. It wasn’t the sight of Kevin sleeping off the morphine that surprised Nick. It was the tear tracks that were drying on Kevin’s skin, still wet enough to sparkle in the same sunlight as the morphine pen.
Kneeling in front of the couch, Nick wiped his thumb along Kevin’s cheekbone, trying not to wake him. His skin was still a little flushed, but cooling in the breeze. Pressing his arms into the give of the cushions, he slid them under Kevin’s back and knees, lifting carefully until he could cradle his husband’s body close to him and nudge the sleeping head onto his shoulder before standing.
Feeling Kevin shift and wrap his arms loosely around Nick's shoulders, he leaned his head down and kissed Kevin’s forehead as he walked towards the other bedroom of the suite and laid him on the bed. He spread a blanket from the closet over Kevin before leaving.
Walking to the open balcony door, Nick started to close it when he saw the coffee cups and carafe still out there and stepped out to gather all the dishes for room service to take. His hand stilled as he moved one cups and saw the shredded sugar package. Scooping the shreds up into his palm, he looked down at them. The talk with Brian had not gone well. Just by looking at the table he could tell that. He'd known ever since he was thirteen, if Kevin started shredding something into pieces, back off. If you didn't, he'd replace you for whatever paper product he was currently mangling.
Things must have gotten heated after that. Brian's chair was pushed right against the edge of the concrete rail and Kevin's was lying on its side near the wall. It looked like both of them had stood up quickly. There weren't any bruises on Kevin that he could see, so things must not have gotten that physical. But what the hell had happened that it had even got to the point that Kevin had shed tears and got emotional enough to bring on a bout of pain bad enough that he actually took the morphine he hated?
Knowing that no answers would be coming until Kevin awoke, Nick cleared the dishes and righted the chairs before going back into Aaron and Dylan's room to keep the noise level down, while making sure no one lost an eye.
* * *
Brian kicked off his shoes and leaned against the door to feel out where everyone was in the house. He could hear sounds from the back of the house from his mother and Leighanne. Probably talking at the kitchen table about the wedding. Beyond that, the house was quiet and he figured his father was not back from work yet and Harold was out somewhere.
Knowing that his mother heard the door, he sighed and put on his game face. He made his way through the familiar hallway into the kitchen, where his mother and Leighanne were just where he knew they were going to be. A wedding plan and bridal magazine spread between them.
He went straight for the coffee-maker, his back to them as he busied himself filling a cup and adding the right amount of cream and sugar to it and then taking his time stirring. "Don't let me interrupt."
There was silence behind him and he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck raising one by one. Dammit. They knew. That damn woman radar. They both had to just look at him and knew something was bothering him.
Sighing, he took his coffee cup and turned around to face them, knowing that he had two options right then. Sit down and spill. Or hedge a little as they asked pointed questions in the form of polite conversation before they closed in for the kill and he sat down and spilled. Weighing the options, he decided for the band-aid theory of quick and painless, and sat down at the table.
"I screwed up. Huge." Taking a sip of coffee while it was still hot, he told the whole story as his coffee went cold in front of him.
* * *
Aaron and Dylan were glued to the television as they quietly watched a movie. Well as quiet as a movie with dinosaurs lost in the middle of New York City could be anyway. Nick was sitting at the desk, paperwork spread out in front of him as he made notes of doctor's appointments, commitments to be kept and who had to be where, and when, between he, Kevin, Dylan, Sam and Melinda. It was like trying to coordinate a three-ring circus. He had a whole new respect for all the shit Kevin put up with, and their schedule wasn't even half as filled as the Backstreet one had been.
Rubbing his temples, Nick shuffled all the papers back into his bag. He knew he could plan ahead all he wanted, but it only took one call to completely destroy all the work he'd done so far. He was as prepared as he was going to get.
He stretched his back out and felt a few satisfying pops, before he took his bag from the floor and went into the main room of the suite to get a bottle of water and maybe check on Kevin.
With the water in hand, he sat down on the couch and flipped through the muted channels, looking for something to catch his eye. Instead, he heard a sound behind him and turned to see Kevin coming out of the bedroom, blanket trailing behind him like Linus. He flopped on the couch beside Nick and cuddled with him, still all warm and soft and sleepy.
Nick loved moments like this, when Kevin looked and acted like a two year-old boy after his afternoon nap. He’d cuddle up to you and snuggle until the last bits of sleep fell away or he fell back asleep, not wanting to nap alone. Kissing the top of Kevin’s head, Nick covered both of them with the blanket and held on tighter as Kevin yawned against his chest. "Coffee with Brian not go well?"
Shaking his head against Nick’s chest, Kevin sighed. "No." He lifted his head and looked around the room, "Where are AC and Jellybean?"
Nick absentmindedly rubbed Kevin’s stubbled head, "Watching a t-rex trying to catch the subway."
Kevin was silent as he tried to figure that out, before shaking his head in confusion and giving up following Nick’s leaps of logic. "Brian is an ass. He's my cousin and I love him, but he's an ass."
Nick chuckled softly and traced his finger over the shell of Kevin's ear. "Replace the word 'cousin' with 'best friend' and you'd be preaching to the choir. What happened? I cleaned up the dishes out there and it looks like it kinda got physical."
Kevin shrugged, "Not actual fighting, but I can't say I didn't think about it." He yawned and poked his finger absentmindedly at Nick's thigh as he told him everything that had happened.
* * *
Brian looked up from the table as he finished telling Leighanne and his mother exactly what had happened. His ears felt like they were on fire, knowing how awful everything sounded as it was coming out of his mouth. He knew he screwed up, and now that he'd told the both of them, he was going to hear in no uncertain terms just how much he had.
Both Leighanne and Jackie looked back at him, their faces unreadable. That scared him. Usually he could tell what was coming and how harsh it was going to be from the expression on their faces, but he couldn't see any warning. Leighanne looked at his mother and he saw the almost imperceptible nod between the two of them before Leigh put her hand over his.
"Brian, what's really going on here? It's not like you to say things like that. After the whole mess of separating them, you seemed to accept the two of them together. Were you faking it or is there another problem here?"
Brian played with Leigh's fingers and refused to look up to meet her eyes. "No. I wasn't faking it. They are so good together. I know that now and I'm still living down what I did. It's got nothing to do with that."
Jackie's hand came down on top of the one that was fidgeting. "Then what is it Brian? Kevin's having a hard enough time knowing that he's running out of time without the comments you made."
Sighing, Brian shrugged. "I don't know."
Jackie put her fingers under Brian's chin and forced his eyes to meet hers. "Don't lie to me, Brian Thomas. Why did you say those things? The real reason." The tone in her voice brought back childhood "talking to" sessions and coupled with the edge of mother-tempered steel in her eyes, it was all it took for him to crack.
"I….He's……It's supposed to be me! I did this, Momma! This is all my fault!"
* * *
Nick kept stroking his hand over Kevin's back as had listened to the whole story. Stoke downwards. Pause. Stroke upwards. He was going on automatic as everything registered that Kevin was saying. He was calm. He did nothing more than make sounds of confirmation at the right times, but inside he was filing it all away and processing it.
When Kevin had laid it all out, his eyes were heavy again and he was leaning further and further into Nick's side. There were no tears this time. The shock had worn off. But it didn't dull the stabs remembering it brought.
Nudging Kevin a little, Nick sat Kevin up and scooped him up again in his arms. "You're tired. Let's go lay on the bed so you won't get a crick in your neck."
Kevin, who was more asleep than awake, just nodded.
Smiling, Nick kissed Kevin's forehead as he carried him through the doorway and laid him on the bed. "Get some more sleep. Love you, Bumpkin."
Kevin reached out his hand and caught Nick's wrist. "Lay with me."
Unable to resist the sleepy green eyes looking up at him, Nick nodded and climbed into the bed, wrapping himself around Kevin.
Turning around in Nick's arms, Kevin kissed the underside of Nick's chin. "I love you too, Nickorice."
Kevin fell back to sleep with Nick rubbing his back and trying not to think about how it was getting easier, and lighter, to carry Kevin to bed every time he did it.
* * *
Jackie and Leighanne looked at Brian and then at each other, confused. Hugging Brian to her, Jackie tried to soothe her son. "How is this your fault, Brian?"
Too agitated to be hugged, Brian got up and paced the floor of the kitchen. "It's….I've always known I'm not going to live a long time, Momma. Ever since I was five I've known that. It's not okay, but I've gotten used to that. But there wasn't a time when my health got bad that I didn't ask God to spare my life and keep me here." He tapped his fingers on the tiled counter as he stopped pacing. "What if all that pleading and bargaining to keep me here…..what if that is what caused all this to happen to Kevin?"
Brian started pacing the floor again, working himself up again. "I've been searching for a reason for all of this happening. If this isn't why, then there isn't one, except that there is no God. There can't be a God that is that so cruel without a reason.
Kevin's heart is in the right place. A little while ago, I would have been floored that he was offering to produce that song for me. Now…after everything….I can't sing a song praising something I don't think I believe in any more. I just can't."
Both Leighanne and Jackie gasped, open-mouthed, at Brian. Jackie stood and stopped Brian's pacing by enveloping him in her arms again. "Brian, this is not your fault. And it's not cruelty without a reason. There is a reason in all of this, Brian. We have to believe that. We're being tested, all of us. But there is a reason for it, we're just not meant to know it quite yet."
Sagging against his mother, Brian choked on the tears that were coating his throat in raw pain. "I don't want him to die, Momma. I love him so much and he's in so much pain all the time. And Nick… Momma, this is going to destroy him. I always thought I'd be the one to leave; not one of the ones left behind. I was prepared to be the first of us to go! I love them so much and it's killing me to watch them going through this!"
He buried his face in his mother's shoulder and let the tears go. It was hurting too much to keep them inside any longer. Leighanne wrapped her arms around mother and son and cried right along with them.
When the tears stopped and cheeks were dried, Jackie kept hugging her son. She knew there were no magic words she could tell him that would make this all ok and restore his faith. He was going to have to find his own way. All she could do was stand back and hope he didn't get more lost before finding his path again.
Letting him go when the sound of the front door opening was heard, they all expected the call of Brian's father or brother that they were home. What they didn't expect, was to see a blur barrel into the kitchen and before any of them could react, slam Brian up against the wall, being held there by a hand at his throat.
Nick stood nose to nose with Brian and stared him down, Brian's feet barely skimming the floor and his face turning red as he choked for air.
TBC….