Fall From Grace 48

Nick stepped into the hotel room and only silence greeted him. All was quiet and dark; the others having gone to bed.

Toeing off his shoes and laying they key-card down on the desk, he quietly made his way through the living room and into the bedroom, hoping not to wake anyone.

After leaving Brian’s house, he knew better than to go directly back to the hotel. Instead, he let the roads of Lexington guide him as his mind tried to deal with the day. The sky was darkening when he finally felt the car coast to a stop.

His breath stopped when he realized where he had driven himself. The purple cast of the sun glinted off the stone around him and the wind stirred in the slow, southern way that was the custom here it seemed, even for the forces of nature. Seeing the tree there, just beyond the path, Nick got out of the car as if he was led by siren song.

Taking his eyes away from the headstone, Nick let his focus linger on the cemetery that lay spread out in front of him. Somehow he had driven himself to the spot where Kevin’s father lay. And now that he was standing here, he knew it was exactly where he wanted to be.

Crouching down, he wiped the dust from the engraved ‘Gerald’ that lie beneath the larger carving of the surname that they shared. It still felt warm from the sun, which comforted him in some way he couldn’t put a finger on.

Letting his knees settle in the soft grass, he absentmindedly pulled weeds from the meeting of earth and granite. "Do you feel him coming closer to you? Wherever you are, do you feel your son coming closer to you? I feel him leaving. Every day, I feel a little piece of him leave. They were so tiny I could hardly feel it at the beginning, but they’re getting bigger now."

He let the wind wash the dry earth from his fingertips, floating away on the breeze like the little pieces of Kevin he saw leaving every day. "Some days I believe that when you die, that’s it. Game over. And the world goes on to the next thing without you. I’m still having trouble believing there’s a God in all of this. Where was God when I was being tortured in his very house by the Devil herself? If we’re all his sons and daughters, where was he when I was on the same cross that had his own son’s name carved into it?

Nick shivered as the last of the sunlight fell prey to the encroaching night. "I want to believe. Just be there to meet him when he comes to you. Please. Let yours be the arms he meets when he’s taken from mine. And I’ll believe."

Sighing, Nick stood again and laid his hand on the cooling stone. "And if you could see about your idiot of a nephew…" Sighing again, Nick looked up into the sky to see the first of the stars start to appear past the lights of the city. "Good night, Mr. Richardson."

He drove the streets of the city for a while longer, stopping in front of Brian’s house. He had the feeling he was waiting for something, but he wasn’t sure what. He knew if he saw Brian at this moment, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself this time. And hanging around the street in front of his house, there was a damn good chance of that happening. He fought the feeling that was asking him to stay and was just about to switch his headlights back on and pull into the street when a taxi appeared and stopped in Brian’s driveway.

Seeing the figure that emerged and leaned down to pay the driver, Nick felt a breath he didn’t even know he had been holding leave his body. He smiled and leaned his head back on the headrest, closing his eyes. "Thank you."

Pushing open the door to the bedroom, Nick saw Kevin sleeping, wrapped around his pillow. Pulling off his clothes, he slid between the starched sheets and gently pulled the pillow from Kevin’s arms and put himself in its place.

He was nearly asleep when he felt Kevin’s arms tighten around him and the warm weight of a head being lifted from his chest.

Blinking sleepily at him, Kevin leaned down to kiss Nick. "Any blood?"

Shaking his head, Nick raised his hands to show the unbruised knuckles. "No blood."

Kevin shifted closer and laid his head back down on Nick’s chest. "Good. Sleep. Love you."

Nick ran his fingers over the nape of Kevin’s neck, "Love you too, Bumpkin."

Max was probably lonely. No matter how much his Mommies told him that they would take care of him, Dylan knew that it wasn’t the same as if he did it. And his Mommies would definitely not let Max sleep in their bed with them. Mommies just didn’t do that. Only big boys like him did.

Grabbing his Elmo, Dylan slid from the bed and wound his way into the room where he knew his Daddies would be. He wasn’t tired any more. Maybe Daddy Nick would be back and play with him.

Daddy Nick was back, but he was sleeping. Daddy was sleeping too. They slept all in knots like his Mommies did. He looked at them and wondered if it was as hard as unknotting shoelaces when they got all unknotted in the morning.

He chewed his lip and held his hand over Elmo’s mouth so he wouldn’t wake them up as he crept closer. Climbing on the wooden box at the end of the bed, he crawled up the scratchy bedspread to where his Daddies’ legs were too close together for him to crawl in between them anymore and watched. He watched some more, seeing Daddy Nick kiss Daddy’s forehead even though he was still sleeping. He knew Daddy Nick did that when he was sleeping too. Sometimes it would wake him up and he’d feel all warm and sleepy again when he felt it.

Blinking against heavier and heavier eyelids, Dylan put Elmo down on his Daddy’s leg and laid down right there in between his Daddy’s legs. He felt warm and sleepy again now.

Kevin shifted and felt something small and warm on his leg, besides the warmth of Nick beside him. Lifting his head, he felt a smile tug at the corners of his mouth. All he could see was a shock of red fur on the top of his leg, but he knew Dylan was down there too. Sitting up slowly, he leaned over and pulled the red muppet from under his son’s head and then lifted Dylan up to the head of the bed, in between himself and Nick before kissing both his son and his husband on the forehead and falling back to sleep himself.

Brian blinked up at the ceiling, wondering what had woken him up when he’d finally fallen into an exhausted sleep. Feeling the bed dip with the weight of another person by his feet, he looked down. It was not Leighanne like he expected. Sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes in confusion, Brian blinked. "Alex? What are you doing here?"

Alex shrugged at Brian. "You are the only address I know in Lexington. I don’t know where Nick, Kevin and the munchkins are staying. But from what your mom told me, seems like I’m right where I’m supposed to be huh? What happened Rok?"

Brian fell back onto his pillow with a sigh, "I fucked up, Alex."

Alex crawled up the bed to lay on the other side of it, staring up at the ceiling with Brian. "Well duh, Rok. The million dollar question is, why?"

Brian opened his mouth to speak, but Alex cut him off. "The whole story, Brian. Not what you told your Mom and Leigh. 'Cause I know that's not it."

Brian's mouth closed as he turned his head to look at Alex's profile. "Maybe it is."

Alex turned his head as well. "Look at your arm."

Brian looked at Alex, confused. "What?"

Poking his bicep, Alex motioned with a jerk of his head. "Your left arm. Right here."

Lifting his arm, Brian rotated it to look at the tattoo that was inked there. Across it were four red marks from one end to the other. Putting his arm back down again, Brian realized for the first time, it stung. "Must have been itchy."

Snorting softly, Alex shook his head. "You must have one hell of a case of the creeping willies then. I sat here and watched you try to scratch the ink right of your skin in your sleep. Now, I'm going to ask again. Why?"

Grunting, Brian rolled onto his side to look Alex more fully in the eye. "Because I don’t think there’s a God anymore Alex. That’s why. All my life I’ve been sure of two things. One, I was going to be the first one to die of all of us. The second, that God has a plan for all of us and we’re not to question that. And before now, I was ok with those things.

"Two things I’ve believed in all my life and now there’s nothing. There isn’t a God, Alex. How can there be? Nothing with any compassion would be capable of this."

Alex watched Brian in stunned silence. The one person’s whose faith had been unshakable was now lying before him with that faith in a crumbled heap at his feet. How in the hell was he supposed to fix this when he’d asked the very same things to Howie on the plane to Orlando before deciding to fly back here to Lexington?

"Brian….You know what? You’re right. There is nothing that any one, or anything could say to us to make this okay. No reason in the world would be good enough for putting Nick and Kevin what they’re going through. But say we figure that there’s no God. Where does that leave Kevin?

Brian sat up and scrubbed his face with his hands, "I don’t know!" He kicked the covers off of his legs, "What if there is nothing? It would be better than getting wherever and hearing, ‘Sorry about all of that, I was bored.’ Or even better! ‘Whoops, wasn’t paying attention!’ And now Kevin wants me to go into the house of something I can’t believe in and sing a song of praise? I can’t do it. I won’t."

Alex sat up as well and put his hand on Brian’s shoulder, "You will. And you want to know why? Because for all you’re railing against it, you still believe. Kevin knows that. He knows you’re questioning everything and he knows that you still believe. And if you let him, he’ll show you why, Brian."

"You’re full of shit, Alex."

Smiling a little, Alex shook his head. "Normally, I wouldn’t argue with you. But I’m right on this. Kevin and I had a lot of time to talk in rehearsals this week. He could tell you were dealing with your faith. He’s the one that pointed it out to me the first time how much you scratch at your tattoo. And lately, the only time you use God’s name is when you’re angry. He’s noticed, Brian. And he knows us all well enough that he knows what’s good for us. Despite how much we yell and curse at him. You want to believe again so bad, it’s tearing you apart."

Shaking his head, Brian leaned back on his hands, staring up at the ceiling again. "If he’s so smart, then why didn’t he call me on it when I was over there, instead of letting me make a royal ass of myself?"

Chuckling, Alex nudged Brian’s shoulder with his. "He’s not made of stone, Brian. You said some pretty asswipey things. I think knowing what was causing it was the only reason why he didn’t deck you or throw you over the balcony."

A smile tugged at Brian’s mouth, "He nearly did. God, I sounded like every ego I hate. And Nick…he nearly tore me a new one. I take it Kevin hasn’t shared his insights on me with Nick, huh?"

Alex shook his head. "No. How can he make Nick understand it’s nothing personal against the two of them, when he’s having the same problem as you? He wants to believe, Brian. But it’s going to take more than either one of us can help him with."

Nodding, Brian gestured to the other side of the bed, "So, what are you doing tomorrow morning?"

Alex got off the bed with a smile and stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt, climbing in when Brian held the covers open for him. "After watching a rousing round of ‘I’m sorry I was an asshole’? I figured I’d sing. That is, if you think you can handle being upstaged by the choir?"

Shoving Alex’s shoulder with a snort, Brian rolled his eyes, "You wish."

They both lay in the dark, neither of them sleeping. Each could tell from the other’s breathing.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"You’re welcome."

More silence and no sleeping.

"Alex?"

"Yeah Rok?"

"What are you thinking?"

There was an amused snort from the other side of the bed, "Dude, I can’t believe your mom still doesn’t let you and Leigh stay in the same room."

There was an answering snort back from Brian. "I know. But knowing we sleep together in theory and seeing it in practice are two different things in her world."

They both chuckled and fell back into silence.

"Rok?"

"Mmyeah?"

"What were you thinking?"

"Just that it’s going to be awful hard to sleep with the moonlight reflecting off that chrome dome you’ve got there."

There was the sound of choked laughter as a pillow came out of nowhere and pelted him. "Asshole."

Grinning, Brian handed Alex back his pillow. "I love you, Alex."

Scrunching down into the pillow, Alex opened his eyes to look at Brian, "I love you too, Brian."

And finally, they slept.

TBC….