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10,000 Kisses
Kevin and Suzanne had decided to eat outside on the back patio since that was
really the only place they had a table. It was left there by its previous
owners.
Quietly they munched on their food, sneaking glances at each other thinking
the other wasn't looking. Until they looked at each other at the same time.
They tried to hold in their laughter but finally Suz lost it.
"I'm sorry," she said covering her mouth.
"Don't be sorry. I love to see you laugh. I love the way your eyes sparkle,
especially in the sun or moonlight. I love the way your skin creases around
your mouth as you laugh. I just love to watch your whole body move," Kevin
said.
"Oh my," Suz replied stunned.
Quickly, she glanced over his shoulder to the yard next door, watching their
new neighbor's children playing tag.
"Kevin," she started then stopped.
He gently took her hand squeezing slightly, "Go on." He could tell that
something was on her mind after seeing the doctor. He knew she would talk
about it in her own time but didn't want to pressure her.
"Lord knows how you are going to be able to put up with me in the next few
months," she finally whispered.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm scared"
"Suz, honey," he said looking into her eyes, "I'm scared too. I hate to see
you going through this. It's not fair. But we all have learned life isn't
fair, haven't we?"
Suz nodded agreeing with him.
"But.." she continued.
"No buts. As much as I love children, right now, I love you more then
anything in this world. Children or no children, I will always love you.
And like I've said before, we could always adopt. Raising and loving
children isn't just something biological. It is something inside of you
here," he said poking gently at her heart, "deep, deep inside you."
"How come you always know what to say?" she asked.
"You just bring out the best in me. That's why."
"Well, not having children isn't what I'm scared of right now."
"Then what?"
"I'm scared of what kind of feelings and emotions I'm going to be
experiencing while my body is going through all these hormonal changes in the
next few months."
"Oh baby," he said pulling her onto his lap and pressing her head down to his
chest, "I'm going to be with you all the way. You can yell, scream, cry,
punch, or do whatever to me. I'm here for you, always. And you know that it
is your choice to tell everyone else what is happening."
"I know," she said breathing in his natural bodily smell deeply, "but I can't
help but feel this horror that I'm going to suddenly drop into a depression
and can't climb out."
Kevin squeezed his arms around her tightly as a response.
"Let me tell you a story," he started as his voice wavered slightly, "I
assume you know what happened to my father?"
Suz turned to look at Kevin. Her face went up to his face and timidly ran
down his cheek. Even now, while talking, she could see the pain in his eyes.
"Yes," she whispered as tears came to her eyes.
He took her answer as a cue, "Well, every year around that time, I'd get
slightly withdrawn and depressed. Brian was always able to help me overcome
it because in a slight way, because of the family connection, he was hurting
too."
He took a deep breath and continued, "But last year, I seem to fall into a
really bad funk and even Brian wasn't able to help because he was coping with
his own recovery from surgery. Between the combination of his slow recovery
and the anniversary of my father's death, I was in agony. Then after Howie's
sister, Caroline, passed away. That was almost the end."
He looked up noting her surprised expression.
"I know. I hid it well, didn't I?" he stated then continued, "Night after
night of concerts was just draining me physically and emotionally. I
couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat. Of course, I put up a front for everyone
else. Except I wasn't able to hide it totally from everyone. There was one
person who apparantly had been watching me the whole time and in the process
had been trying to help me and I didn't even know it."
10,000 Kisses
Chapter 49
"Who?" Suz asked curiously.
Kevin laughed, "The one person people tend to think isn't capable of being a
adult just yet: Nick."
Suz waited as he collected his thoughts.
"You know, it wasn't until then that I realized just how much I've
underestimated how much he has matured over the years and I'll always thank
him for what he has done."
"What did he do?" Suz wondered carefully.
"Besides covering for me when I'd fall asleep during practice, or didn't want
to eat, or blew up at someone unnecessarily, or messed up my dances moves,
forgot lyrics, etc. The list goes on. I had never realized that in those
times, he'd cover for me. Make up some excuse for my behavior and run off
after me regardless of what we were doing."
"What finally brought you out of it?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yes, I do, I really want to know."
"When I saw that Nick wasn't sleeping either because he was worrying about
me, or when he'd totally skip an TV interview or dance practice to stay with
me because I was physically drained and couldn't move. But the final straw
was when he started losing weight and passed out one day from exhaustion. He
had been up all night with me the night before. That is when I snapped and
cried for a whole day...because of my dad, of Caroline, and what I felt I had
done to Nick."
"And?"
"And I realized then that wallowing in my depression wasn't going to fix
anything and that it was actually bringing everyone else down around me
especially a man whose life was only beginning."
"Nick's"
"Yes, Nick's"
Then he laughed.
"What?"
"It is funny how people always think that because there are 7 or 8 years in
between Nick and I's ages, that we don't get along. That I'm the daddy
figure...the perfectionist...who screams at him when he doesn't do something
right. That could be farther from the truth," Kevin said.
"You've got that right," Nick said stepping out onto the patio.
"I'm sorry, I didn't meant to pry into a private conversation. The gang saw
your car here and sent me over to see if you wanted to do something tonight?"
Nick asked.
"You didn't pry, Nick," Kevin said getting up, "Did I ever thank you for last
year? And apologize to you?"
"Kevin, you've thanked me numerous times. Hell, Suz, he bought me like 10
Nintendo games!" Nick exclaimed, "As for apologizing, you never have to. I
did what I did because I love you. I wouldn't have been able to live with
myself if anything had happened to you."
"Oh geez, Nick," Kevin said hugging him.
"Aww, how cute, guy moment! Maybe I should mark this down on the calender,"
Val exclaimed as everyone else walked through the back gate.
Suz got up to walk over to Nick and Kevin. Altogether they hugged as the rest
of the gang looked on in wonderment.
Kevin slipped away heading to where everyone was standing.
"Nick," Suz said turning to him, "I thank you from the bottom of my heart."
"No, I thank YOU because of the joy and love that you have brought to Kevin's
life," he said as he lead her over to everyone else.
10,000 Kisses
Chapter 50
It was now 2 months later and the beginning of November. They had all
survived through Halloween and were now getting ready for the impending
Thanksgiving holiday which was to be celebrated at Suz and Kevin's new house.
They had finally become settled in their new home and Suz loved decorating
it.
The guys were constantly recording and rerecording for the new CD. It was
quite unusual but they planned to release the CD, dubbed 'Millenium', on New
Year's Day of 2000 which was only in 2 short months. The girls frequently
went to watch them record. Sometimes they were all there at the same time
and sometimes it was just only one of them. But nevertheless, the support
the boys received from family and friends on the new CD was astonishing.
Suzanne stood there beaming, "Brian, that was beautiful!"
"Thanks," he blushed, "I was kinda unsure about the one line."
"Which one?" she said to him as they walked to the side of the room to allow
Kevin record his part for the song.
Kevin kept his eyes trained on Suz as he started to sing. He watched her
argue lightly with Brian over the lyric then smile. He knew that Brian had
then given in to whatever she was suggesting to him. It amazed him how much
joy she got out of watching them record. Sometimes she'd sit for hours just
watching them mess up constantly. And when one of them become agitated
because they were getting something right, she could always make them feel
good.
"Thanks, Suz," Brian said as they walked to the couch to sit down, "What
would I ever do without you?"
"My question is what did you ever do without me before this?" Suz said
laughing but then stopped abruptly.
"What's the matter?" Howie said as he noticed her pale look.
"I'm fine," Suz said shakily.
"Are you sure?" Howie said softly as he felt her forehead, "Suz, you're
cold..very cold."
"I'm fine," she snapped getting up and walking out of the room.
Howie and Brian just looked at each other.
"What did I do?" Howie said.
"Nothing, man, nothing," Brian replied.
"Hey, where's Suz?" Kevin asked joining the 2 guys.
"Uh, she stepped out for a minute," Howie said hesitently.
"Something's wrong," Kevin stated.
Quickly, Brian explained what happened.
Kevin mumbled something under his breath.
"Uh?" Howie asked questioningly.
Kevin nervously ran his fingers through his hair.
"Kevin," Nick said approaching him having noticed his look of distress, "Sit
down. Tell us what's going on."
Rapidly, he informed the guys of the extent of Suz's full condition and what
she was doing to control it.
"So, you see, the doctor said that obviously she'd have a shitload of
hormonal changes," Kevin finished.
"Well, she looked really pale there for a second," Howie said.
"And, I hate to say it, but she seemed like she was annoyed at us for
asking," Brian added.
"Thanks guys, I'm gonna go check on her," Kevin said getting up and heading
out the door.
~Outside of the Studio~
"Suz?" Kevin said as he sat down next to her, "Are you ok?"
"Kevin," she sniffled, "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Snapping at D and B-Rok like that. I didn't mean to. I really didn't."
"Honey, I know and so do they. I hope you don't mind but I told them. I had
to tell them."
Kevin waited for her to become angry with him for not consultating him first.
"That's ok. It is time that they knew."
Suz dropped her head in her hands as she moaned softly.
Kevin bent down wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her close
to him, "Are you sure that you are ok? You don't sound like it."
"I'm...I'm...oh shit," Suz said as the pain seered through her head. She bit
her lip to keep from groaning but only managed to draw blood. She could
taste the saltiness of it in her mouth.
10,000 Kisses
Chapter 51
"Suz! Suz!" Kevin shouted as he tried to get her to look at him.
He watched as the blood trinkled from the self inflicted cut on her mouth.
He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what was happening.
Just then, AJ walked out of the studio doors. Kevin waved him over.
"Kev..." AJ started.
"AJ...just call 911!" Kevin yelled frantically.
AJ glanced at Suz then turned quickly.
"Don't!" Suz said raising her head and wiping the small amount of blood from
her mouth, "I'm fine. I just need to go lay down."
"Suz, are you sure?" AJ asked, "You didn't look fine a minute ago."
"AJ, I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine, really, I am. I'm just been
really tired lately," Suz said pleading with her eyes to Kevin.
"Yeah, Bone, I'm just going to take her home to rest, ok?" Kevin said pulling
Suz up after him.
"Ok, we're done for the night so you're free to go, slave boy!" AJ said
thumping Kevin on the back.
"As for you," AJ said hugging Suz, "Get some sleep! You work too hard!"
"I will," Suz managed to whisper as the pain that now flooded her head
prevented her from saying anything more.
~A Week before Thanksgiving~
It had been 2 weeks since that incident in the studio. What she had never
told Kevin that night was that besides her sometimes headaches, which could
be classified as migraines, she was sometimes throwing up. Often after or
before a migraine set in. She figured that the birth control pills were
causing this side effect. She had learned that severe migraines did cause a
person to throw up.
Kevin finally confronted her again as he stumbled upon her throwing up one
evening when he got home from a boys' night out.
"Oh, baby!" Kevin said falling to his knees beside her. He pulled her hair
back from her face, watching as she tried to take a ragged breath without
vomiting again. His hand was pulled as she quickly buried her head in the
toilet. The sounds of her wretching echoed against the porcelin of the
toilet.
Slowly, her breathing returned to normal as she fell against Kevin's chest.
He slowly began to rock her back and forth.
"Kev?" She said unsteadily.
"Yes, sweet pea," Kevin said as he stroked her hair.
"Stop rocking"
"I'm sorry"
She giggled lowly.
"Suz?"
"Yes?"
"We are going back to the doctors tomorrow. Something feels wrong. No
matter how much you say so, you are NOT ok."
"I know. I'm really sorry," Suz said as she began to cry, "I really should
have told you how was feeling. I just figured it was side effects but
lately, in the last week, the headaches and throwing up have become alot
worse."
"Oh baby," Kevin said hugging her close to him, "I can't imagine what you
feel like."
Suz just sighed as she was glad that Kevin now knew how she was feeling. She
hadn't of wanted to burden him with how she was feeling if it was just some
side effects from the birth control.
~The Next Day~
Kevin and Suz arrived at the doctors office, yet again, 15 minutes early.
"Suz, the doctor can take you early," the nurse said motioning towards the
patient room.
"You want me to come?" Kevin asked.
"You stay here. I'll have her come get you later," Suz said heading into the
exam room.
A few minutes later, the doctor opened the door and approached Kevin, "She's
getting dressed now. Come on in and I'll talk to you both."
10,000 Kisses
Chapter 52
Kevin walked in the exam room noticing Suz struggling with her bra.
"Let me help," Kevin said softly approaching her.
"Thanks," Suz whispered tiredly as she let her head hang forward.
When he was done, Kevin turned her around kissing her forehead.
"Come on," Kevin said sitting on the one lone chair in the room and pulling
Suz on his lap. She laid her head against his chest sighing deeply. Kevin
began to stroke her hair watching the rising and falling of her chest with
each breath she took. He could see the lines of tiredness evident in her
face. Slowly, he started to trace them causing Suz to laugh lightly from his
touch.
"Ok, Suz and Kevin," Dr. Creech said, "This is what I'm going to do."
Suz squeezed Kevin's hand tightly.
"I want to take some blood tests to check your hormonal levels and see what
could be causing your migraines," the doctor continued.
"Migraines?" Kevin said puzzled thinking she had only been having a few
headaches.
"You never told him, did you?" the doctor asked looking at Suz.
"I'm sorry," was all that Suz said.
"Oh, Suz," Kevin said hugging her, "It doesn't matter now."
Within minutes, the nurse had come in to draw the blood and then Kevin and
Suz were on their way home.
~Back home~
"How long did she say it would take?" Kevin asked Suz taking her hand in his
again. He could never get enough of touching her.
"About 3 or 4 days," Suz said cuddling up against Kevin in bed.
"Suz?" Kevin whispered after a few minutes had elapsed.
"Hmm?"
"Why did you feel the need to keep your pain from me?"
Suz looked up at him, "Kevin, I know how much you worry and I was afraid that
you wouldn't be able to get any recording done, so I didn't want to tell you.
I thought it was something temporary."
"Suz, you should know by now that you are the most important thing in my
life, Backstreet Boys or no Backstreet Boys"
"Don't let the fans hear you say that," Suz chuckled as she drifted off to
sleep.
~3 Days Later~
"Oh man, this waiting is killing me!" Suz exclaimed to Howie and Jon as they
sat watching a movie.
"What waiting?" they asked her baffled.
"Oops," Suz said looking away.
"Nah, you aren't getting off that easy. What are you talking about?" Jon
probed now worried.
"Ok, ok...I'll tell you," Suz said quickly explaining her trip to the doctors.
Just then the phone rang.
Looking over at the guys, Suz picked up the phone, "Hello?"
"Suz, this is Nancy, the receptionist at Dr. Creech's office. Dr. Creech
wants you and Kevin to come in she can discuss the results of the blood test
personally," Nancy said.
"Ok, what time does she have in mind?" Suz asked thinking of Kevin's
scheduling for promos and recording.
"How about tomorrow at 3pm?" Nancy asked.
Covering the mouthpiece, Suz said, "Howie, will Kevin be available tomorrow
at 3pm?"
"Let me think...Hmm, I think he can swing it...if not, I'll make sure he is
there," Howie said.
Nodding her head, Suz gave the ok to Nancy.
~The Next Day~
Kevin and Suz walked out of the doctor's office in a daze. They said not a
word in their comforting silence.
"I...I..." Suz started as Kevin manuveured the car toward home.
"...can't believe it, huh?" Kevin said amazed.
"Oh my god...no...I mean...oh shit," Suz said half laughing then suddenly
became sad. She realized she had never given it any thought that Kevin might
not want children in his life right now.
"What's the matter?" Kevin said seeing her expression drop suddenly.
"I...I...oh, geez, I never asked you if you wanted this," Suz said.
"Suz, how can you ask me that? You know I want this," Kevin answered.
"I'm sorry but the timing..." Suz started again.
"Fuck the timing, Suz. There is a reason for everything," Kevin said nodding
his head indicating the discussion was closed.
A few minutes of silence passed.
"At least I know why I was getting the migraines. Thank god she took me off
those birth control pills," Suz said relieved, "but now she wants me to take
some other kinds of hormones to help."
"So, we have to go back in 2 weeks, right?" Kevin asked staring at Suz and
watching the reflection of the sparkling sun against her skin.
"Yep, and then she'll take the first ultrasound," Suz said patting her
stomach, "Man, I can't believe that the birth control pills were reacting
with the pregnancy like that. Imagine...migraines! At least I know what was
causing the vomiting."
Suz sighed in happiness as Kevin pulled up to the house.
"Uh, Kev?" Suz started.
"Yes?"
"Can we not tell anyone right now...for obvious reasons...that there is a
risk of miscarriage because of my condition," Suz asked hesitantly.
"Anything you want, baby," Kevin said hugging her feircely, "But nothing's
going to happen to this baby."
10,000 Kisses
Chapter 53
The only people that had been informed of Suz's pregnancy were Howie and Jon
since she had confided in them. They had agreed to keep her secret safe
until she told everyone else.
~2 Weeks Later~
~A few days before Christmas~
Suz and Kevin were excited. Today was their first ultrasound of the baby.
The doctor had warned them that they might not be able to see much because
the baby wasn't developed that much but they didn't care.
The past two weeks had passed in a glorious blur, with Kevin recording and
doing photo shoots and Suz working. But they always ended the night making
love...often in the most unusual of places...the pool, the recliner, and even
on the wooden swing in the backyard that the previous occupants had left.
Kevin had been surprised when one night Suz had playfully gone running from
him only to find her on the swing...stripped of her clothes...and beckoning
to him. To convince him more to join her, she had dipped her fingers into
her cunt feeling her wet juices and made a trail from her pubic hair, over
her bellybutton, then over each nipples and finally, inserting her fingers in
her mouth sucking on the softly.
"Oh Kevin, I can't believe this is happening," Suz gushed as she climbed on
the patient table and laying down.
Kevin watched as Suz lowered in pants past the belly button, as the doctor
had instructed, and raised her shirt to just below her breasts. Slowly, he
walked over watching her watch him. With a gentleness, he brushed her hair
out of her eyes as he was deep in thought. She watched him as him smiled.
"Baby, what are you thinking about? Care to share it with me?" Suz asked.
"I was just thinking about how gorgeous you are and how God has chosen to
bless me with your presence in my life," Kevin said leaning down to hover
above her face.
"Maybe you should write Hallmark© Cards," Suz joked.
"Suz, I'm serious," Kevin said chuckling.
Kevin saw the quick shift in her demeanor.
"I know, Kev. I love you so much that I ache when I'm not near you. I never
realized how stronge my love was for you until now. We have created the most
precious gift that God has ever bestowed upon creation-a child...A child that
completes us and makes us better as human beings," Suz said taking his hand
and laying it on her stomach.
Kevin looked at her then let his eyes wonder down her frame, "Suz?"
"Yes," Suz answered gazing up at him.
"Marry me," Kevin said suddenly.
"Wha? Uh..." Suz said gaping at him. She hadn't of expected him to say that.
As her silence stretched longer, Kevin grew more unease shifting his gaze
elsewhere.
Seeing his fallen look on his face, Suz ran her hand down his arm, "Kevin?"
"Yes?" he said with a knot in his throat that was growing larger with each
passing second.
"You don't have to do this"
"Do what?"
"Ask me to marry you because I'm pregnant. I don't expect that from you if
you're not truly ready"
"Suzanne Elizabeth! I didn't ask you to marry me just because you are
pregnant. I asked you to marry me because I love you and the baby and you
complete me both. You have finally made my life whole like a continuing
circle that can never be broken. And for that, I give you this," Kevin said
holding out a velvet box.
Gasping, Suz took it from him with shaking hands. After fumbling twice, she
managed to pry it open seeing the glittering clear oval diamond sparkling in
her eyes.
Kevin took it from its place and gently lifted Suz's hand, "Will you?"
"Oh Kevin, I will!" she said throwing her arms around him kissing
him...pouring all her love into that first kiss as an engaged couple.
Dimly, they could hear the applause of the medical staff behind him.
"Ok," Dr Creech said, "I think we are ready. Kevin would you do the honors?"
Looking up, he noticed her handing him the gel to rub on Suz's stomach for
the ultrasound.
Suz laid back closing her eyes anticipating the next few months eagerly and
sighed as she felt Kevin's hands on her stomach.
10,000 Kisses
Chapter 54
~Christmas Eve~
"BRIAN!!! Do you know where my good black jeans are!?" Nick yelled through
the house.
"Try in your closet, Kaos, where I put them when I did the wash," Howie
shouted from his bedroom answering instead.
"Thanks, D!" Nick responded rummaging through his clothes.
"Hey, Frack, do you know where the extra wrapping paper is?" Brian said
walking into Nick's room and tripping over his sneakers. The bed broke his
fall but he managed to accidentally knock off a few of the presents piled
there.
"FRICK!" Nick said scrambling to pick the gifts up as he was buttoning his
jeans, "Geez, a little bit clumsy?"
"Well, if we could see the FLOOR then maybe I wouldn't have tripped," Brian
said laughing.
"Ok children!" AJ said walking up to the door, "Are we ready to go yet? They
are waiting for us."
"Give me a minute," Nick grunted grabbing his shirt and buttoning it up. He
splashed some aftershave on and put his shoes on.
On the bed, AJ was helping Brian wrap a few final small gifts.
"Guys! I'm walking over," Howie shouted from the door.
"Coming!" the three in Nick's bedroom yelled stampeding out of the house
after Howie.
~Kevin/Suz's House~
The colored lights glowed around the exterior of the house causing
reflections of red, green, yellow, purple, and pink colors to vibrate of the
interior curtains around the windows.
Inside, the gang was all spread through the living room while Rachel, Suz,
and Joy were in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Suz sighed loudly not realizing she had done so.
"Everything ok?" Joy asked looking at her friend.
"Yeah, why?" Suz answered.
"Well, you sighed really loudly," Rach said giggling.
"Oh? I did? I didn't even notice"
"Well, what's on your mind?" Joy asked looking over at Rachel.
"You mean you have to ask me that and you don't know?" Suz chuckled.
Rachel smacked her head playfully, "Duh, I think I forgot to take my 'smart'
pill today!"
"Do I have to keep reminding you?" Joy said laughing, "I should make a
schedule."
Shaking her head, Suz smiled as she thought of the wonder of this joyous
occasion.
"You're sure everything is ok?" Joy asked again.
"I'm fine. Believe me, I'm fine," Suz said mysteriously.
"Ok," Joy and Rachel answered simulatiously.
"Now, tell me about you and Brian," Suz said to Joy as she continued peeling
potatoes.
"Oh geez, now she isn't going shut up about him. I didn't think anything was
worse then Kat and Howie until I heard about Joy and Brian," Rachel said
trying to hold her laughter in.
"Hey," Joy said punching her in the shoulder, "I wouldn't talk. Larry this
and Larry that..."
"Did you know Larry was allergic to mayonnaise? Imagine mayonnaise...how
weird," Suz said mimicking Rachel.
"Oh shut up," Rachel said blushing.
"Suz? The rest of the guys are here," Kevin said peeking his head in the
kitchen.
"Can you guys manage without me for a few," Suz said walking over to Kevin as
she wiped her hands on a towel.
"Go ahead," Joy said waving them away. Once they were out of earshot, she
turned to Rachel, "There's something she's not telling us."
"Who's not telling us what?" Brian whispered in Joy's ear as he wrapped his
arms around her surprising her. Softly he kissed her lips.
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