Chapter 81

Suz looked at Kevin with a desperate look on her face. She was more afraid to tell Nick, out of any of the guys, because he was the most like a brother to her. She was afraid that he would turn away from her in anger.

"Suz, what's going on?" Nick said nervously as he glanced back and forth between Suz and Kevin. He could see the looks they passed between each other.

"Oh, my god, Nick," Suz said in a murmur as she started to cry again. It seemed that the events of the last 24 hours were really taking an emotional toll on her.

Nick looked over at Kevin as Suz practically threw herself in Nick's direction forcing him to reach out and hug her. He could see Kevin look away almost as if afraid to meet Nick's eyes head on. Soon, Kevin was silently crying making no sounds at all.

"Kevin?" Suz started in a muffled voice as her face was against Nick's chest. Nick slowly released his hold on her as she moved away from him turning to look at Kevin.

"Yes, baby?" He replied grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

"I want to tell Nick, honey. I HAVE to tell Nick," Suz begged Kevin.

Kevin could see the desperation in her eyes. He could see that she needed to do this and at this point, he'd do anything to stop her pain.

Kevin nodded his head yes.

~Out in the Waiting Room~

"I'm going to go in with Nick," Brian announced to everyone.

He left after a chorus of ok's.

"Excuse me, Mr. Littrell," a nurse said approaching Brian as he headed to Suz's hospital room.

"Yes, and call me Brian," he replied, "Nurse Taylor" as he looked at her name tag.

"Brian," She said smiling, "They have requested to wait until Nick comes out before anyone else goes in."

"Oh, ok," Brian said even more concerned now that they didn't want anyone else in there.

He walked back to the waiting room informing everyone what the nurse had said.

"Something's not right," Lyndsay muttered.

"I don't like this," AJ said getting up and pacing the floor, "Doesn't this girl deserve some happiness!?!"

Chapter 82

Everyone continued to pace in the waiting room. It had been cleared of any other people waiting for someone else, for security measures.

Brian kept pacing back and forth tugging on his hair.

"Baby, come sit down," Joy said running her hands across his back and stopping him in place.

He looked over to see Kat and Howie sitting together with Kat's head resting on Howie's shoulder. Both of of the had their eyes closed. Whether they were sleeping or not, he didn't know.

Reluctantly, he sat down, observing everyone else in the waiting room. AJ had finally sat next to Lyndsay, trying to comfort her, as she was upset because Nick was in the room so long.

Meanwhile, in Suz's room...

"Nick," Suz said looking up at him, "I'm not going to be having a baby."

Nick gasped as tears began to run down his face, "You had a miscarriage?"

Suz looked over at Kevin for reassurance. He nodded his approval.

She swallowed deeply as she closed her eyes not being able to bare to look in Nick's eyes when she told him what she had done.

"I had an abortion," Suz croaked out cringing as she said those words for the first time. That isn't what the doctors had called it, but basically, that is what it was. She waited for Nick's explosion but was surprised when none came. She could feel Kevin's hands slowly caressing her back making his prescense known to her. She couldn't imagine what Kevin was going through either.

"Abortion?" Nick finally said looking at Suz and then Kevin. "Oh my," he continued once again engulfing Suz in a hug.

"The baby...oh god, my baby, our baby," Suz said crumbling against Kevin's side.

Kevin took over as Nick looked at him questioningly, "When the doctors did the test, they found out some more then they had anticipated."

Nick stared at Kevin having never heard Kevin talk so timidly.

Nick took both Kevin's and Suz's hand in his, "Tell me." Nick could see in both their eyes that they needed to share the news with someone, anyone.

"The baby had a birth defect"

"Oh my god. What was wrong?"

Kevin looked up at the ceiling staring at the tiny holes in the tiles. After what the doctors had told Suz and him, he felt that it was his fault that this happened. It actually had nothing to do with Suz's condition. But the doctors saying this was just a freak of nature, he wouldn't believe. He was to blame.

"The baby didn't have a sex"

"Didn't have a sex?" Nick asked in disbelief.

Chapter 83

"Yes, the doctors told us that the baby was developing without a specific sex. It could have been born with both sexes and have both sets of organs-male and female," Kevin repeated what the doctors had told him.

"Or it could have been born with neither sex...with no organs at all, or even half formed organs," Suz said quietly, "And that is the way the baby was developing."

"But," Nick started, "which sex would it have been considered. How would the baby go to the bathroom?"

"We didn't even get that far," Kevin said sighing, "The doctors explained that 95% of the children born like this die within the first couple of months of life and that whole time they are alive, they suffer horribly."

"They gave us the option of me carrying the child, possibly putting me in physical danger due to my condition," Suz continued.

"Or, they advised that the only other step was an abortion. They said it was early enough in the pregnancy that it wouldn't be dangerous for Suz," Kevin finished.

"So you went for an abortion," Nick said softly gazing at his friends. His mind was still reeling for what they had told him.

"It was the hardest decision either of us has ever had to make," Suz said as she buried her face in Kevin's chest. She didn't want to see the pity in Nick's eyes or the anger or disgust or whatever else he might be feeling.

Kevin tried to explain their decision, "How could we bring a child like that into this cruel world? Even if the baby did manage to live more then just a few months, can you imagine the cruelty that it would endure nowadays? Suffering because of our own selfish need to have a baby? No, we couldn't live with that. So, we made the decision that we felt God wanted us to."

"Kevin, you don't have to explain your actions to me," Nick said, "neither of you do. You did what you felt you had to do. For you, Kevin Richardson, to do something that you felt was right and that God wanted you to do, is what makes you my friend. It is why I love you and Suz."

"Thank you, Nick," Suz said.

"For what?" Nick replied looking at her.

"For not freaking out and for not getting angry with me," Suz said.

"Did the doctors say what causes this?" Nick asked inquisitively.

"They said that they can't really explain why it happens," Suz started.

Kevin continued, "But that the chromosomes for the sex of the baby are contained in the sperm."

"That was about all they could explain. They don't know if it was an underdeveloped sperm or an abnormal one, or what. It is something that is really unexplained," Suz said finishing.

Nick saw Kevin look away at Suz's words. He had a feeling that he knew what Kevin was thinking of.

"Nick?" Suz said, "You aren't angry with us, are you?"

"How could you think that? No, I'm not angry at all!" Nick said surprised.

Kevin looked over smiling at Nick. It would have devestated him if Nick had been angry with either of them. In the past year, Nick had become a best friend to Kevin.

"I love you both very much," Nick said leaning over and pulling his 2 friends into a hug.

"One thing," Suz said pulling apart from her 2 favorite men, "I wasn't intending to tell anyone what really happened."

"What?" Kevin exclaimed.

Chapter 84

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell like that," Kevin said taking Suz's hand again.

Nick looked between Suz and Kevin's faces seeing Suz trying to collect her thoughts. He understand immediately her initial reason for not wanting anyone to know what happened. She didn't want anyone's pity. She didn't want them to feel sorry for her.

"Honey, what do you mean that you aren't going to tell anyone? You have to. They are going to realize it in a couple of months," Kevin probed.

Suz looked over at Kevin before speaking again, "I don't want them to know I had an abortion or what was wrong with the baby."

"You're going to tell them you miscarried, right?" Nick said already knowing her answer.

Kevin looked over at Nick in surprise.

"Yes," Suz answered softly as she played with the blanket placed over her. Her hands absentmindedly wondered to her stomach gradually stroking it not even realizing what she was doing. Nick and Kevin watched her movements.

"Oh, baby, don't you think they are going to understand?" Kevin asked pulling her into his arms.

"I don't know," Suz sighed, "I just don't want everyone feeling sorry for me. Or angry with me."

"They aren't going to be angry with you and hun, they only care about you so they worry about you," Kevin added.

"I know...but," Suz said trailing off as she fixated her gaze over Nick's shoulder towards the door.

"But what?" Kevin said as Nick stayed quiet. He know that the two of them had to talk, but that they still needed him there.

"But she doesn't want the media to find out what really happened," Nick figured out speaking her inner thoughts.

"Yes," Suz said as silent tears streaked down her face.

More then anything, she was scared that this was going to ruin Kevin and the rest of the guys. The media would have a field day with this...calling Kevin a murderer among other things. Forget about herself, she could go back to her lonely existence before she met Kevin but she didn't want to ruin everything all five guys had worked for before they met her. She wasn't worth that.

Suz collapsed against the pillow burying her face in the soft linen as she continued to sob and hiccup.

"Kevin," Nick said whispering.

"What?" Kevin snapped looking over at his friend. His expression immediately softened at the look of distress on Nick's face. He looked like he was carrying the pain of all three of them.

Nick got up pulling Kevin with him towards the bathroom door and away from Suz.

"What?" Kevin said impatiently. He couldn't bare to be away from Suz in her emotional state. Plus, he had to focus his attention or else he'd break down and Suz didn't need that from him. He'd deal with the fact that he was to blame for all this later on.

"Kevin, let her do what she wants," Nick said pleading.

"Why? Why shouldn't everyone know about this? The hell with the media," Kevin said angrily.

"Kevin, listen to yourself. Honestly, we don't know how everyone is going to react to this...and I'm only talking about the people out in the waiting room...not the media. We know how religious Brian is, let alone you. We don't know how he is going to respond to this," Nick rationalized.

"But Nick, they won't do that," Kevin urged.

"Ok, so they don't react like that and understand your decision, but the more people that know, the greater the chance that the media will find out and you know that they are going to rip into Suz let alone you," Nick added.

Kevin sighed.

Chapter 85

"Do you see what I am saying now?" Nick said.

"I think so," Kevin said running his hands through his hair. He felt like he had been on a continuous ride of a rollercoaster for the past 36 hours.

"Can you imagine the shame that she would feel? You can see she already feels guilty about what happened. Besides that fact that, even though she hasn't said it, she blames herself for this. I know she is thinking that she did something wrong...that she could have prevented this...that her condition caused this," Nick continued.

"But she's not to blame," Kevin said.

"I know"

"I'm to blame," Kevin whispered behind his hand.

"Kevin Richardson!!!!" Nick said spinning him around to face him, "I hope I DID NOT hear you say what I thought you did."

"I'm to blame"

"No you are not"

"Yes I am! Goddamn, it was my fucking sperm that was fucked up," Kevin shouted as he made his way into the bathroom and away from Nick.

"Kevin," Nick said following him and closing the door behind him. Nick laid a hand on Kevin's shoulder, "You know what the doctors said. It wasn't your fault. It was just something that happened."

Kevin leaned his head against the cool tiles of the bathroom. His head bobbed down as he struggled to hold his tears in.

"Kev, you, of all people, know how everything can't be explained. That some things just happened...both good and bad things...to good and bad people. That is the way God intended some things to be"

"But damnit, Nick!" Kevin said spinning around, "This is my life! Why did God chose me to have this happen to? Why? Why me? WHY HER!?"

Kevin sank to the floor pulling his knees up against his chest and resting his head on his knees. He wrapped his hands around his legs squeezing harder to keep the tears under control. But he was losing the battle. He felt Nick wrap his arms around him and pull him close. Kevin rested his head against Nick's shoulder as he let the flow of tears break.

"Nick, did we do something wrong to deserve this? Why can't we just be happy?" Kevin said muffled against Nick's shoulder.

Nick didn't know what to say but to hug him tighter.

Chapter 86

"Now I REALLY don't like this," Brian said pacing the floor.

"I know, B-Rok, but we have to respect their wishes. You know how both Kevin and Suz have become close to Nick in their own way," Howie said rubbing his eyes as he woke up, "Anyone want any coffee or anything?"

"I do. I'll go with you," AJ said, "Anyone want anything?"

After figuring out what everyone wanted, AJ and Howie made their way to the cafeteria.

Once they were out of earshot of everyone else, AJ turned to Howie, "Brian's right. Something's not right. Last we heard, everything was ok with Suz and the baby."

"I know, Bone, but we just have to wait for Nick to come out. Maybe he'll tell us something," Howie said reaching into the fridge for some sodas.

"I know," AJ said as they paid and made their way down the long hallway, "But I can't stand to see anything else happen to either of them." AJ stopped to look at D.

"What?" D said as Bone stared at him.

"What if she lost the baby? What if she can't have anymore children? What if..." AJ said but was interrupted by a loud cry.

Howie and AJ turned in surprise only to see Aaron standing there holding a small teddy bear presumably for Suz. His face had went pale when they mentioned Suz.

"Aaron," AJ said walking over to him, "How did you get here?"

"I called a limo," Aaron said sheepishly, "I didn't know how to take the bus and I wanted to see Suz."

"How did you find out?" Howie inquired.

"Well," Aaron started off staring at the floor, "I was over at a friend's whose older brother had been out the same club when he saw what happened to Suz. I managed to get the information out of my friend and then started making calls to the hospitals."

"Are you sure he is only 11 years old?" Howie said looking at AJ.

"That's what Jane told me," AJ said laughing.

"A, you amaze me sometimes!" Howie said taking his hand, "Come on, come back to the waiting room with us."

"How the hell are we going to explain this to Nick?" AJ whispered.

"Well, figure something out. Something tells me that he isn't going to be that angry at Aaron right now," Howie whispered back.

*THE WAITING ROOM*

AJ, Howie, and Aaron entered the waiting room.

"Look who we found trying to pick up that gorgeous cafateria lady, Bertha, while we were downstairs" AJ said laughing as Aaron followed him.

"Aaron!!" Brian exclaimed as he turned around, "How did you get here?"

Quickly, Aaron told the same story he had told to AJ and Howie moments before.

"Wow," Joy said.

Everyone marveled over Aaron's antics not noticing that he was starting to cry.

"Aaron?" Kat said holding her arms out to him, "Come here, honey."

Aaron sniffled and stood in place.

"Brian, go over to him," Joy said nudging Brian.

Brian got up kneeling to Aaron's level, "What's the matter, Aaron?"

"Is Aunt Suz ok?" Aaron asked looking up into B's blue eyes.

"I don't know," Brian said sighing. He wasn't going to try to fool Aaron. He'd find out the truth anyways. "I really don't know. Nick has been in there for almost an hour with Kevin and Suz and hasn't come out."

Almost as an answer to their inquiries, a sob was heard through out the hospital floor echoing along the bare walls.

Brian stood up bolting down the hallway towards Suz's room.

Chapter 87

Brian slammed open Suz's hospital door startling Suz from her slumber. He quickly followed the trail of sobbing stopping at the bathroom door. Slowly, he pushed it open, surprised to see Nick on the floor cradling Kevin in his arms. Nick looked up, his eyes red and puffy from crying, and noticed Brian standing there. Brian gripped doorframe as he realized what was going on.

AJ shot into the room, "What's going on?"

Suz started to sob again as she curled herself into the fetal position pulling the covers of her head.

Kevin heard Suz's cries and struggled to get up, "Nick let me up, please. I have to go to her."

Nick let go of Kevin helping him stand up. Kevin brushed past Brian not even looking him in the face and made his way over to Suz. He climbed upon the bed and pulled her into his lap rubbing her back with his hand.

Nick looked up at Brian and AJ not needing to say any words. They both understood.

"Oh my god," Brian whispered more in slow motion out of the hospital room. He leaned against the hard, cold cement of the hospital wall hearing the anguish in both Kevin's and Suz's tears. Brian bit his bottom lip to keep from crying but lost the battle as his shoulders began to shake from the violent sobs that emitted from his mouth. He slid down the wall, sliding his knees up to his face, resting his chin on them and stared blankly at the wall across from him.

Meanwhile, Joy had seen Brian exit Suz's room and was slowly approaching him. She was startled to see him crying when she stopped in front of him. Not asking any question, feeling that she already knew the answer, she slid down besides him, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him close to her. Her hands smoothed down his brown hair letting him know she was there.

AJ couldn't take it anymore and bolted out of the room running to the waiting room collapsing on one of the chairs.

"AJ?" Kat said reaching over for him. She could see him flinch away at her touch. Alarmed, she looked over at Howie who was staring down the hallway at Joy and Brian. She followed his gaze. Gasping, she searched AJ's face then looked back at Howie. He slowly nodded her head confirming his thoughts.

"GODDAMNIT!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!" Lyndsay screamed suddenly falling to her knees. This was the last straw. She could not take anymore. Between Kevin's former depression, Suz's difficult life, and her own problems, the dam had finally broken. She sat kneeling on the floor, rocking back and forth, wondering if it could become any worse. Quickly, she recovered though, realizing how badly Nick probably needed someone...anyone.

Chapter 88

Lyndsay got up heading to Suz's room. She paused smiling down at Joy then headed into the room. She saw Nick leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom just watching Kevin and Suz. It was almost like he was afraid to move, to leave...

She crept up to him wrapping her arms around his waist and threading her fingers together clutching him tightly against her. She could feel him melt back into her letting him weep.

It seemed that at that moment, everyone was in their own worlds weeping over the tragedy while Nick, Suz, and Kevin only knew the whole truth.

Back in the waiting room, AJ felt someone's hand rub his shoulder. Looking up, AJ was surprised to see Aaron standing in front of him. Aaron opened his arms feeling AJ hug him tightly.

~The Next Day~

*Suz*

Suz laid curled up on the bed for most of the night, forever trying to tell herself that it wasn't her fault what had happened. But the more she tried to convince herself, the more she felt she was to be blamed.

She could feel Kevin laying on the bed with her but not touching her. As much as she felt she needed him right now, she didn't want him there. She couldn't stand the thought that he might blame her for what happened.

*Kevin*

Kevin laid on the bed, next to Suz. His arms ached to hold her but was afraid to touch her. After what had transpired in the last day, guilt had swept over him convincing him he was at fault. After what the doctors told him, he had to be. Everytime his hand twitched to touch a part of her body, a small voice inside his head berated him insisting he was to blame.

Here they were married not even a day, and they were drifting apart. Would their marriage, and most especially, the love that they had shared sustain this horrifying situation?

~Later that Day~

The doctors entered the room explaining to Kevin and Suz that she was being released later that evening.

"So soon?" Suz asked wanting to just curl up and sleep again.

"Yes, Suzanne," Dr. Evans started, "You don't need to stay her any longer. You are in excellent health and are healing nicely."

"Despite your condition, you can possibly have more children. There are numerous ways that can happen. When you are ready to discuss those possibilities, you call me, ok?" Dr. Creech explained, "In the meantime, we will start you back on the birth control pills."

Suz sighed heavily nodding her head.

Chapter 89

It had now been a few days later since everything had happened. Keanu wished his best to Kevin and Suz as it was scheduled for him to go off to a film shoot. He tried to get it rescheduled but the director had already rescheduled it once for Keanu. He really didn't want to leave Suz now...but he knew she was in good hands with Kevin. Keanu often wondered who was in more pain...Suz or Kevin. But he had confidence that they would get through anything.

The deal with Total Request Live and Backstreet Live TV was postponed. All the MTV staff and Carson had been informed of was that one of the Backstreet Boys had had a family emergency. Suz had insisted on not cancelling it but Nick wouldn't hear of it. Even Kevin was going to still do it, but Nick became so upset at the prospect of promoting in this crucial time that they agreed to postpone it.

"You know that he cares about you very much," Kevin said as he sat on the sofa with Suz leaning against him watching some stupid TV show, "It is almost like he feels a need to protect you like he protected me last year."

"I know," Suz simply answered. She smiled as she remembered how Nick constantly hovered over her when she came home a few days ago. She actually had to tell him to go home and leave for a while. Reluctantly, but with Brian's urging, Nick did go home but not before promising to be back later on.

Kevin frowned as Suz's 2 word answer. Ever since they had come home, all she did was eat, sleep, and watch TV. She had enough time to take off from work, which is did without hesitating. Kevin thought that he'd have to convince her to take some time off and was surprised when he didn't. But everytime Kevin spoke to her, she would answered abruptly almost like it was an annoyance to answer. Kevin still couldn't help feeling that Suz blamed him for what had happened to their child. Why wouldn't she talk to him? Why wouldn't she touch him? She wouldn't relax in his arms anymore when he held her. He could feel her back stiffen up on response. All indications to him that she was blaming him.

Sighing, Kevin carefully removed himself from behind Suz and walked towards the kitchen. He looked back noting that Suz didn't even realize he had left his previous position on the sofa.

Grabbing the cordless phone, he stepped out onto the back porch, and sat at the edge of the pool sticking his feet in. He debated to whether call Nick or not but he needed someone to talk to and he was the only one that really knew what happened. With trembling fingers, Kevin dialed the all too familiar number. He waited patiently, hearing Nick answer, "Hello?"

"Nick?" Kevin said with a tremor in his voice.

"Kevin?" Nick questioned, "What's the matter?"

"Oh, god, Nick, I don't know what to do," Kevin said.

"I'll be right over!" Nick said.

"Come around back, don't go through the house," Kevin said before hanging up.

He hung his head in shame still berating himself. Only one thought continuingly ran through Kevin's mind 'It is all my fault'. He was the reason Suz was depressed. He had ruined her life, her new zest for life that she had developed over the past few months. How could anyone say otherwise...he was to blame!

"No you are not," Nick said once again as he crouched behind Kevin and wrapped his arms around him.

Kevin turned to look at Nick, "How can you say that?"

"Kevin, she doesn't blame you. You have to realize that. All you keep thinking about is you...don't you think she is blaming herself also?" Nick said.

"But why would she be to blame?" Kevin asked looking up at the sky.

"She's not...and neither are you...but for some strange reason, in difficult situations like this, people try to place the blame somewhere because it makes it easier to deal with what went wrong," Nick continued.

Kevin nodded his head understanding what Nick was saying.

"Kevin?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think Suz would want to talk to her pyschiatrist again?" Nick said.

"I was thinking that. I think we both need to talk to her," Kevin said.

"Well, I think it is a good idea," Nick answered.

"Ok, let me go get her number, I'm gonna call her now," Kevin said getting up.

Chapter 90

Kevin walked into the house, surprised to see Lyndsay walking towards him through the kitchen.

"Hi Lynds," Kevin said in a soft voice as he reached for the phone book, "What brings you here?"

"Well, everyone is in the living room with Suz, I wanted to show you the article that you said I could write," Lyndsay said.

"Ok, let me go get Nick and I'll be right in," Kevin said.

Lyndsay nodded her head as she went to join the others in the living room.

"Nick? Everyone is in the living room. Lyndsay wrote that article that I promised she could write," Kevin said.

"Ok, lets go," Nick said getting up.

"Wait, I want to call the doctor," Kevin said dialing the phone.

Quickly, Kevin reached Tina's office briefly explaining the situation to the doctor and making an appointment for himself. He figured after he went and talked to her that they could figure out how to get Suz to come in for an appointment.

Kevin hung up the phone looking at Nick.

"You'll be ok," Nick said squeezing his friend's shoulder.

With a nod, both men walked inside to the living room. Kevin took his usual spot behind Suz pulling her against him. He could feel her stiffen up once again when her back came in contact with his chest. Even now, when they were both in pain, he could feel himself become hard just from her presence.

"Kev, here's the article," Lyndsay said leaning forward and handing Kevin the paper.

Kevin began by reading out loud:

Greetings, dear readers. It is I, once again bringing you up to date on what's goin' down in Tinseltown. Unfortunately, I bring bad news with me this time.

As you may remember from my last column, Kevin Richardson of Backstreet Boys fame, has a lovely new fiancee, Suzanne. What I failed to mention before, is that Suzanne was 3 months pregnant with Kevin's child. Not wanting to cause a media uproar, the couple kept it secret.

But now onto the terrible news - Recently, at a double surprise birthday bash for Nick Carter and A.J. McLean, also of the BSB, Suz began to experience severe abdominal pain and bleeding, after which she was quickly rushed to the hospital. After several hours of waiting with Kevin and Nick (who has become extremely close to Suz) , it was announced that she had miscarried the baby.

The couple, as well as friends and family, are greatly saddened by this loss, but believe it was God's will. They wish to thank all who have already offered prayer and condolences. There is no word yet on where this will leave Kevin and Suz, but I'm willing to bet they'll bounce back soon enough....perhaps even try again for another little one?

That's all for now. Until next time.....

Lyndsay Connors

"Thank you, Lyndsay," Kevin said looking up at her.

"I'm glad you approve," Lyndsay said squeezing his hand.

Suz leaned over and whispered in Kevin's ear.

"Oh my god, that's right," Kevin said laughing softly.

"What's so funny?" Brian said looking over.

Suz held up her left hand ring finger.

Brian looked over, "So, yeah, we know you have an engageme..."

Brian stopped talking.

"Oh my god," he said looking up at Suz and the smile on her face.

"Oh my god what!?!" Howie said.

"They are married," Brian said excitedly.

"Married?" AJ said baffled.

"Yes, they got married already," Brian said hugging Suz, then Kevin.

"What?" Everyone yelled.