You Do What You Have To Do:
Chapter 35
By: Tee and Danielle
(C) by us too
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The  sun was just setting as I opened my eyes.  We had slept the day away,
but we both needed it. Kevin looked like he had gotten even less sleep than
I had, if that was possible.  I laid on my back and stretched slowly,
feeling my joints popping and my muscles enjoying the movement.

I sat up and leaned against the headboard, just looking at him while he was
sleeping.  He looked troubled still and I knew I must have looked the same
way.  We needed to get this all out in the open once and for all and deal
with it.

I rubbed my stomach, but first, food. For the first time in weeks I was
actually hungry and I believe there was a matter of a cheeseburger that I
was owed.  I picked up the phone and dialed down the concierge, asking where
served the best burgers.  He gave me the name and I wrote it down.

I slid out of the bed and pulled the covers up over Kevin before grabbing
some jeans and a t-shirt on the way out the door and into the living area.
Once I was dressed I called the number that the concierge had given me and
made some arrangements.  Next I dialed another number waiting for the line
to be connected.

"Hello?"

I smiled at the familiar voice that had become my life line in the past
almost three weeks, "Hi Sam."

I heard her gasp, "You actually sound somewhat happy! Could this be true?
Could this be real?"

I rolled my eyes and snorted, "Wrong group, Ditz. But I won't argue with the
fact that God spent a little more time on me."

That got me a whoop of laughter. Then another.  I knew it was sarcastic
laughter and waited her out as she nearly killed herself laughing.  Finally
she quieted down and I shook my head with a chuckle.

I could feel her smiling into the phone, "He must be there, huh?"

I just about dropped the phone in surprise, "How...??"

She chuckled, "I can hear it in your voice.  You sound like you are all
there now, you didn't before."

I couldn't argue with that. I wasn't all there before, I was going out of my
mind with worry and hurt.  "He is.  Last night I had this nightmare, Sam, it
was horrible.  Brian couldn't wake me up and I busted a lamp I was thrashing
around so much.  It was so horrible, he was burning and there was no way I
could get to him to stop it, she had me tied to that cross again.  All I
could do was watch as he burned and left me all alone.  I wanted to die,
Sam, I just wanted to die."

She cooed softly, "Oh Nick, that had to be horrible."

I nodded, the tears sticking to my lashes, ready to spill at any second.
"Then in the middle of that hell I could hear his voice telling me he loved
me and that it would be alright and this song....it sounded like an angel
singing.  It was so beautiful, Sam. I didn't think anyone could sing that
beautiful. It made Stefanie disappear, she was screaming like the was
burning and then she disappeared.  When I woke up there was a phone pressed
to my ear and Kevin was on it.   It was him singing to me.  It was him
telling me it would be alright."

Sam was silent for a second, "It will be, Nick. I believe that with all my
heart. It won't be easy, but it will be alright.  You need to work through
this, no matter how hard it is, no matter how many tears or how loud the
yelling gets.  You both need to be totally honest with each other for now
and for the rest of your relationship. Not talking is what started this, he
was scared Nick, I know this.  I don't know of what, but he's so scared. You
have to find out why or you won't get over this."

I nodded, "I know.  I love him so much, Sam, but he hurt me so bad.  I just
don't know if he loves me as much as he says he does. You can't just ignore
someone you love for that long, to make him feel his love is wrong, to make
him question what he did to  make the other not love him any more.  To drive
himself insane questioning every word that was ever said trying to pinpoint
what he did wrong....." I had to stop, the tears were coming so fast and
furious now that I couldn't even talk.

I felt the phone lifted from my hands and looked up to see Kevin standing
there, crying just as much as I was.  He spoke softly in the phone for a
second and then hung it up.  I looked up at him, more desperate than I had
ever been in my life, "What did I do? Please tell me. Please tell me what I
did to make you not love me, before I drive myself insane."

Kevin looked at me for a second and then a huge sob came from him, then
another.  They were so violent they sounded like his soul was shattering
right as I watched.  He fell onto the floor, curled in a ball, like I had
last night after I had hit him.  It was awe inspiring to see this big man
reduced to this ball of sobbing flesh on the floor, trying to make himself
as small as he could.  I clapped my hands over my mouth and tried not to sob
myself at the sight of it.

I crawled across the floor, moving slowly and trying not to scare him.  I
sat on the floor right near him and put my hand under his chin, raising him
up so I could look him in the eye.  We needed to get the out in the open
before one of us had a nervous breakdown.  "Tell me what I did, Kevin.
Please."

Kevin gulped in some air, trying not to sob it out right away.  "I..it
wa..wasn't you.  It was me.  I...did I do something to make you love me? Did
I make you gay like Frank raping me did to me? She...she said she was going
to make me like di...dick and she d..did.  Did I do the same horrible thing
to you that Frank did to me?"

At that moment I think the world could have imploded around me and I
wouldn't have been more shocked than I was at this moment.  He thought that
he had...that Frank had made him....that he had done the same to me....oh
Jesus Christ.  All I could do was sit there with my jaw hanging.  I pulled
myself together and lowered my hands from my slack jawed mouth, "No...no!
You didn't...."  I took a deep breath and tried to capture the thoughts that
were railroading around in my head like a runaway train, "Kevin, you didn't
make me love you.  I did it of my own free will.  God, I can't remember a
time I didn't love you.  First I loved you as a friend, then as a brother,
and now...now I love you for what you are, the most beautiful and precious
thing in my life.  Maybe I can only wish that you would love me the way I
love you, but no matter what my love has always been there,  I pray that
someday I can say the same about yours for me."

Kevin was looking at me with an expression I couldn't read.  He reached his
shaking hands forward and grabbed mine, "I always loved you.  I didn't stop
for a minute, Nick.  No matter what was going through my head or what was
tearing apart my soul, never for a minute, did I ever stop loving for you."

I looked down at him, torn between wrapping my arms around him never letting
go, to hell with hashing this out, or speaking what was on my mind and in my
heart.  I decided on the latter, no matter what we had to be truthful with
each other from now on, it was the only way.  The truth was either going to
set us free or tear us apart. But no matter what, this was never going to
happen again, if it did it would kill us both.

"Kevin, if we are going to get past this, we need to be truthful.  If you
feel that loving me is wrong and bad, then you didn't and don't love me .
Then you never did love me.  If you feel you corrupted me by my falling in
love with you or that Frank somehow is the cause of you loving me, then you
aren't happy with who you are and you are looking for someone to blame for
it.  Kevin, I love you, but I'm not going to be your scapegoat.  You did
stop loving me the minute you started blaming me and even Frank for who you
are.  Tell me the truth Kevin, I think you at least owe me that. Don't say
you never stopped loving me, because we both know you did."