You Do What You Have To Do:
Chapter 36
By: Danielle and Tee
(C) by us too
********************

All Kevin could do was look at Nick in shock.  His words rang so true they
hurt.  Then he looked away, he just couldn't bear to look at Nick and see
the look on his face.

*****
I looked down at Kevin, my words had brought him to the breaking point, I
knew that.  But they needed to be said, that I also knew.  I could hear him
sobbing again, each one breaking my heart, but I couldn't make it better
this time. Only he could do that.

I placed my hand on his head, leaning close to him, "Kevin, you need to
search your heart and soul to find if you truly want this. If you do, you
have to give yourself completely, accept yourself and my love completely.
It's the only way.  My love alone isn't enough to hold us together, you have
to meet me half way.  If you make a promise of your love to me, then it's
got to be completely and it's got to be honestly.  You made alot of promises
before, Kevin and broke every one.

If you want to give us a chance, Kevin. You'll have to make me one promise
and keep it above all else.  You'll have to promise to never leave me."

He opened his mouth to say something and I covered it with a finger, "Shh.
I don't mean physically.  I know that is a fact of life that we will be in
separate places at some times because of the job.  I mean in here, Kevin."
I tapped my heart, "You left here, Kevin.  When you pulled away, I felt it
here first.  I could have taken month after month of physical separation, it
was the separation in here that was killing me slowly."

Kevin looked at me, his face showing alot of emotions that flittered across
it, but they were gone before I could decipher what they were.   He lowered
his head again, almost like he was afraid to look at me.  I sighed and got
to my feet, "When I know that you are coming to me willing to make that
promise, then I can forgive you for all the hurt and all the broken
promises.  I can promise you something too, a love like you have never known
that existed because, before all this happened, I know there were moments
you felt it too."

I went back into my bedroom, knowing he needed time to sort things out.  I
stood at the window and looked over LA as the lights came on and darkness
fell.  From this far up it was a beautiful sight.  I rested my forehead on
the cool glass and closed my eyes, knowing I had just risked everything I
had.  But I needed to know that he was never going to pull away and run
scared like this ever again.  I didn't even know how he could prove it to
me, I just had faith that I would know when he had.

*************

Kevin lay in a ball still on the floor, reeling from everything.  When had
Nick grown up and become the most mature, honest person he had ever known?
At what moment had he blinked and missed the transformation?

Kevin tried to figure out how he was going to prove to Nick that he could
make that promise to him and mean it with all his heart. He got up off the
floor and stretched, his muscles stiff from being curled on the floor for so
long.  He took a long shuddering breath and started to pace the room.  How?
HOW? For the love of God, if you are up there, help me out!

Just then there was a soft knock on the door of the suite.  Kevin wiped his
eyes and cheeks with the back of his sleeve and walked to the door, checking
in the mirror.  It still looked like he had been crying, a lot.  He sighed,
fuck it.

When he opened the door, a delivery person was there with two bags and a
tray with two drinks on it.  "I have an order for Gene Aaron."

Kevin knew that was Nick's pseudonym, using his middle name and his brothers
first. He really needed to learn how to pick something less obvious.  Kevin
nodded at the guy, "How much?"

The man looked at the receipt, "$18.34."

He nodded, "One second." He left the door and went back into the room to his
knapsack.  Thankfully he had that with him when he'd gone to the premiere or
he wouldn't even have had his wallet.  Not for the first time he was
thankful he carried a "purse" as the other guys razzed him about.  Could he
help that he didn't want to leave stuff in the hotel room or that he was the
one expected to carry schedules and everyone's crap? He didn't think so.

His hand dove into the bag, knowing exactly where the wallet should be.  He
pulled it out and returned to the door, paying the delivery man and tipping
him nicely.

Kevin knew exactly what Nick had gotten, he could smell the aroma wafting up
from the bags.  Cheeseburgers and fries.  He sipped the drink and smirked,
cherry cokes.  He set the food down on the counter of the kitchenette and
went to return his wallet to his bag.  As he pulled it open, his eyes fell
on something.  A smile came to his face, the first real one in weeks.
Apparently someone was up there, because his prayers had just been answered.

Since he was already on his knees, he did what only seemed to be polite when
your prayers are answered. He crossed himself and looked heavenward, "Thank
you.  I owe you, bigtime."

************
I heard a knock on my door before the door was opened.  I turned away from
the window to see Kevin carrying a tray into the room.  He set it down on
the bed and was gone before I could say anything.

I went over and looked at what he had brought me.  I saw it and had to
smile.  He had arranged the burger and fries on a plate and put the cherry
coke in a glass with the straw in it. He even had the napkin and ketchup
packets arranged nicely.   I chuckled and grabbed the plate off the tray.

It was then I noticed that there was something under the plate.  "Hello!
What's this?"

I set the plate down on the bed and picked up what looked like a
leather-bound book.  I turned it over in my hands and the initials KSR were
embossed on the front.  I opened the cover and the title page was filled in
with Kevin's writing, "The Journal of Kevin Richardson." underneath was a
sentence that made me laugh with it's accurateness, "AJ, put it down and
walk away or I swear I will kill you."  I sat down on the bed and grabbed a
fry, munching on it as I opened the book, curious as to why Kevin would want
me to read it.

"I know I wasn't done my other journal, but it seems appropriate to start a
new one now.  It seems like my life has just started fresh and I'm seeing
things for the first time.  Yes, almost dying will do that to you, but this
is not why I chose to start a new journal. The reason is Nick.  I don't
understand why or how, but I love him.

So many times in my life before, I thought I was in love.  I was so sure it
was love.  But now, I know it wasn't.  This is love.

I'm not the one for grand, sweeping gestures of unbridled emotion, but when
I'm around him, I seem to forget that.  I just get so caught up in him that
I forget what is expected of me, that I'm the serious, responsible one.  I
have something that I haven't felt in years when I am with him.  Joy.   He
brings me joy.  He's so enthusiastic about everything, so determined to make
anything fun.  I smile more around him in one day than I think I ever have
in my entire life before him.

I feel like the old me, the one before the word cancer came into my family's
life, the one before I lost my father.  God I miss him.  He would like Nick.
I know he would. But he would like anyone that makes me as happy as Nick
does.  I don't know how he would deal with Nick being a guy, but I think
eventually he would see how happy I was and accept us.  Why am I even
thinking of this?  God, sometimes it's so easy to think that he's just
waiting at home for me to come back along with Mama.......

I wiped my eye with the napkin and feeling how much Kevin missed his father
like it was my own loss.  In a way it was, whatever affected Kevin affected
me and the loss Kevin's father made a huge part of the man I had fallen in
love with.  I sighed and continued reading the entries.

The fries were finished, then the burger, then the cherry coke.  Still I
kept reading.  Kevin had more emotion inside of him than a lot of people
realized, myself included.  The entry when we met up with the other three
for rehearsals was next.

"We are going back to Orlando today.  Rehearsals await.  Ugh.  Nick actually
formulated a plan for us to sail around the world, visiting all sorts of
places and ending up in Australia.  He had the route planned to the day, it
was obvious he had put alot of work into it.  I knew then he wasn't looking
forward to going back as much as I was.  It took everything I had to tell
him we had to go back, every cell in my body was telling me different,
telling me to run away with him and never look back.

The week we've had to ourselves has been heaven on earth.   No press, no
managers, no phones, no hiding our feelings.  Well scratch that last one.
We've both been hiding the nightmares from each other, but I've woken up
every time he's had one.  When will her reign of terror end over us?
Sometimes I think that it would just be easier to let go of my sanity and
lose my mind.  But then I look at Nick and he gives me something to fight
her for.  If it wasn't for us holding each other together, I think we would
have both died from the awful nightmares by now.

He's finally quiet now.  I've been watching over him as he's sleeping and
every time I see him starting to get lost in the nightmares, I do what I
would want someone to do for me when I'm lost in my own.  I stoke his face
and kiss his forehead and tell him everything is going to be alright.  It
seems to be working.  I'm going to go to sleep myself, it's nearly dawn and
we have to meet up with the other three later today. Please God, give me his
nightmares tonight and let him sleep peacefully."

I turned the page, wiping my eyes again and taking a few deep breaths to
force down the lump in  my throat.

"Rehearsal was like something out hell, literally.  We weren't there more
than ten minutes.  Nick was so excited about going back when he realized
that we were going to work with the effects guys today.  He had all sorts of
ideas spinning around in his head, probably wanting to put us in a big video
game, if I know him. "

I grinned, he did know me too well.  Exactly what I had in mind.

"We walked in the arena to see the other three flying around the arena on
these surfboard things and Nick started razzing them about having three days
and this was all they came up with?  I played along and did my best to seem
bored with it, but in reality it was pretty damn cool, but they expect to be
razzed.

We spoke too soon.  One of the effects guys told us they had something else
up their sleeves too.  Before we could say anything this wall of flames shot
up about five feet from Nick.  There was a curtain of flame as far as the
eye could see.

Immediately I was back in that church watching everything I loved tied to
that cross and the flames licking around him.  It was horrific for me and I
can only imagine how much worse it was for Nick.

The sounds coming from him....my god, they just ripped my heart out of my
chest and shredded it to pieces.  I couldn't get to him fast enough.  He
kept screaming how he was burning over and over again and all I could do was
hold him and rock him and tell him it was going to be ok.  I've never felt
so helpless in all my life.

I never want to feel that helpless again.  I want to know what to do to make
both of us better, but I don't even know where to start looking.  "

I set the book down and closed my eyes, remembering how completely
terrorized I was by that wall of flames.  In that moment I almost lost my
grip on sanity. He was the only thing that held me back.  If his arms hadn't
come around me when they did, I think I would have hurled myself into those
flames and begged them to take me out of my misery.

I got up and paced the room, feeling the tenseness in my muscles just from
remembering that horrific moment.  When I was calm again, I grabbed the book
and sat in the chair by the window, losing myself in Kevin's innermost
thoughts again.

"Today we found out we are going to be separated for a month on a promo
tour. We leave in the middle of the night day after tomorrow.  I'm too upset
to even write about it.  This sucks. This fucking blows.  A month without
his touch, without looking into his blue eyes and knowing what I am holding
myself together for? I have to be strong for him, but dammit I just want to
scream right now......"

There was an entry from later in the day, "I still can't find him.  Where
could he have gone? Did he just realize that since we are going to be apart
that we aren't meant to be and had given up? Oh god please don't let that be
it. Please bring him home safe.  I would die if I lost him.  He has me so
completely I don't even think he understands how much I love him, hell,
sometimes even I don't understand it.  Please let him be ok. "

I read the entries that he had found me and to my surprise there was a
detailed plan of attack for getting the house ready for the night we shared.
I laughed softly at the drawings of stick people having a picnic on the
floor by the fireplace and another picture of stick people cuddled up on a
bed.  It was so sweet I nearly cried again through my smile.

My fingers traced his writing as I read the next entry,

"We made love tonight.  My god, I never in my wildest dreams knew it could
be like that.  I've had sex before, but what we shared was a whole other
level.  My god.  When I looked into his eyes as he came I felt like I was
looking into his soul and the love I saw there humbled me right to my bones.
I knew there was just as much love in my eyes for him, I can only hope he
saw it.  The look in his eyes is engraved on my mind, all night I kept
telling myself to remember this, to savor the moments we had together.  I
know they are going to be precious in the month we have coming up.  God give
us both the strength to get through this.  I don't know if I can live
without him near me."