You Do What You Have To Do:
Chapter 37
By: Danielle and Tee
(C) by us too
********************


I was so engrossed with reading Kevin's thoughts and feelings, I think if a 
tornado had come and ripped the roof above my head away, I wouldn't have 
noticed.  I got up from the chair and stretched my stiff mucles for a second 
before laying down on the bed ass backwards so I could get comfy and read 
some more.

My head lay at the foot of the bed and I had my feet propped up on top of the 
headboard, my feet pressed against the wall.  This was an old habit carried 
over from my childhood.  How many hours I had spent in my room reading comic 
books this way, I couldn't even begin to tell you.  I opened the journal back 
up and  continued to read.

"Nick found the perfect sofa for us.  You should have seen how proud he was 
of himself at the store.  He looked like  a roster strutting around, letting 
me know that not only was it perfect for us but it was on sale! Yes, on sale! 
Can you believe that?  And I was proud of him.  Maybe there is hope yet of my 
little Nickers becoming a bargin shopper.  Well, that is as long as he stays 
out of the video game stores."

I cheesily grinned.  He had me pegged just right.  

"Nick and I spent our last few hours together before leaving to go to 
opposite ends of the US on our new sofa, reading and just loving the feel of 
being close together.  At least I know I did.  Every time I looked down and 
saw his head in my lap, my heart would do this kinda weird thing like squeeze 
real tight and skip a couple of beats.  Most people would be horrified to 
know they had heart problems but nope, not me.  Of coure, mine only acts up 
when I'm around Nick but it just makes me realize even more how much I do 
love him."

"You should have seen Nick's face when I took the comic book from him and 
started reading it.  It was priceless!  It makes me chuckle even now when I 
think about it.  Was it that unbelievable that I, Kevin Scott Richardson, 
could actually get a kick out of reading a comic book?  I'll let you in on  a 
secret. Something that Nick doesn't even know about me.  I absolutely love 
the RugRats and Ren and Stimpy on Nickelodeon.   I tape them so I can go back 
and watch them when noone else is around and laugh my fool head off without 
everyone snickering at me."

I chuckled, "Oh my God, Kevin.  Thank you. Thank you. Now I can blackmail you 
when you start to tease me in front of the others about my fear of little 
ailen creatures coming to nibble on my toes during the night.  That should 
shut you up real fast."

"Saying good-bye to Nick when it was time for me to go to the airport was the 
hardest thing I had ever done in my whole life.  I wanted to kick and scream 
and cuss.  Just throw a regular old temper tantrum so I wouldn't have to go.  
But I don't think those temper tantrums work too well after the age of 5.  
You would have thought it was the end of the world the way Nick and I clung 
to each other at the front door.  It was the end - sort of.  We've become so 
apart of one another, completeing each other, complimenting each other - 
we've become one.  Being apart was ripping us back into two indivduals again. 
 I didn't feel like I could function without Nick being with me."

I sniffled as I remember the pain of him leaving.  He thought he wanted to 
throw a temper tantrum so he wouldn't have to go?  I had wanted to wrap 
myself around his leg and hold on for dear life so he wouldn't have been able 
to walk out the door.  "We're definitely a pair, aren't we, Kev?"

"Nick came to the airport to see me off!  I didn't know what was wrong with 
Howie when he told me to switch seats with him so quickly.  But then I looked 
out the window and there Nick stood in the terminal, his hand pressed to the 
glass, looking at me.  He must have broken every traffic law there was to get 
to the airport so fast.  I will never forget the look on his face that 
moment.   He looked like someone who had lost his best friend.  Did my own 
face mirror his?  I don't know.  I know I certainly felt like I had just left 
my best friend, my heart and soul back at the Orlando airport."

"That was the longest flight I've ever been on. What's sad is it doesn't take 
that long to fly to NY from Orlando.  I was digging around in my bag when I 
found Nick's comic books.  I never thought comic books could make me cry but 
these were special comics. They were Nick's favorites according to the note 
he attached with them.  But you wanna know something?  Him packing those 
comic books in my bag was the most sweetest, touching, caring thing anyone 
has ever done for me.  I've never felt more loved in my whole life."

I frowned as I came to Kevin's next entry in the journal.  

"The dream last night was so real.  I could feel that bitch Stefaine here, 
her hot, putrid breath in my face.  How did such a beautiful dream play right 
into her hands?  Nick was here with me.  I could feel him.  His lips on mine, 
this tongue against my skin, his hands carressing my body. But then Stefaine 
was here. She looked even more evil now if that's even possible.  And she 
brought Frank with her.  God, he fuckin makes my skin crawl.  And to know how 
he violated me - sometimes I can still feel him inside me and it makes me so 
sick to my stomach.  He pulls Nick away from me.  I kept screaming for Nick 
and tried to go to him but I couldn't move!  I don't know why I couldn't move 
but I was frozen in place as Nick's screams pierced the air.  Frank violated 
Nick like he had me.  I knew how bad it was why didn't I try harder to stop 
it?! Why???  Oh, God......."

The writing trailed off and fresh tears burned a trail down my cheeks.  I 
knew Kevin had broke down while writing this.  The pages looked like they had 
been wet and then had dried.  My fingers traced over the page and said, "Oh, 
Kevin.  My sweet baby, Kevin.  You dreamed of me being tortured and I dreamed 
of you being tortured.  Will we ever get through a day or night where 
Stefaine doesn't invade our thoughts and our lives? "

The entry picked up again.

"Stefaine's words of making me like dick keep running through my head over 
and over again.  I can't get it to stop.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I 
love Nick so much it physically hurts me.  How did I not see that sooner?  
Did Frank raping me open up all these homosexual feelings that I never knew I 
had?  I NEVER checked out guys before.  Then I'm making love to Nick.  Nick 
is the fantasy of a million girls and he's always loved girls.    How many 
times have I teased him over his gawking at some pretty girl he spotted at a 
concert and then he couldn't get the nerve up to try and talk to her?  There 
were even times where we both noticed the same girl but then I was no better 
than him.  I couldn't get my nerve up to talk to her either so we both just 
stood there and gawked at the girls like the fools we were."

"When did Nick decide he was in love with me?  Did I push him into this?  
God, I'm definitely having a nervous breakdown.  I should have gone away 
after Nick was rescued from the far.  Gone far, far away from him.  He'd 
probably be with some cute little girl by now like he's suppose to be and 
having fun.  I'm no better than Stefaine and Frank for what I did to Nick."

I had to get up and pace again.  I couldn't believe Kevin felt that way.  
"Kevin, Kevin," I cried, "You didn't do anything to me. Don't even put 
yourself in the same category as those two monsters.  I've always loved you.  
I just didn't know it until now.  Noone made this happen - noone made us fall 
in love.  The worst thing that either of us have done is suffer at the hands 
of bad timing."

I sat on the edge of the bed and continued reading.  I was tired and wore 
out, my heart ached and I couldn't stop crying but I couldn't stop reading 
either.

"I saw Nick today.  We did an interview with MTV and we could see Nick and 
Brian via satallite here at the NY MTV studios.  I couldn't stop the 
strangled cry that left my lips when I saw him.  He didn't even look like  
himself.  He looked like a ghost of the man I had said goodbye to in Orlando. 
 He was pale and so drawn.  He was hunched over and drawn up like he was 
trying to make himself as tiny as possible so he could just fade away or 
something.  I did that to him.  I haven't been able to talk to him since the 
dream.  Hell, I haven't been able to talk to noone since the dream.  I can't 
even look at myself in the mirror.  I've been working out every chance I get. 
 It's the only I can do to work out all this frustration and confusion I'm 
feeling.  If I wasn't able to work out, I don't know what I'd do.  I'm not 
even sure it's helping.  I feel like I'm descending right into the pits of 
Hell and I'm afraid Stefaine is going to be there waiting for me.  But I'll 
go and scarifice myself if that means she'll leave Nick alone so he can have 
some peace at last and get on with his life."

I was too stunned by now to even move.  All I could do was let the tears flow 
as my heart ache and read more.

"I'm on a plane as I'm writing this.  I'm going to Nick.   He knows I've 
pulled away from him but he doesn't know why.  How do I get him to see I made 
a terrible, terrible mistake?  Everything that happened tonight was like the 
Gods finally decided that the both of us have had enough and made me open my 
eyes and see what a jackass I've been. If I've lost Nick, I don't have the 
strength to go on.  None of the guys know I saw a doctor awhile back and got 
some sleeping pills to help me sleep. But then I was too damn scared to take 
them.  Thinking about THAT dream and the ones before it made me scared I 
wouldn't be able to stop with just one pill.  I have that bottle in my back 
pack.  If I can't make Nick see how much I love him and I want to marry him 
and grow old with him, then maybe those sleeping pills will come in handy 
after all."

"Oh, God, Kevin, no," I cried.  "No, baby, no."  I went to get up but 
something Kevin had wrote at the bottom of that page caught my eye.

"I, Kevin Richardson, love Nickolas Carter with all my heart and soul and
body, I promise to love him like I would want to be loved, fully and
completely and honestly.  I promise never to leave him physically if it can
be avoided because I miss him too much when he is gone and more importantly
I promise never to leave his heart because it would be like ripping out my
own.
I promise I am coming into this with open eyes and open heart and do not
feel guilt or shame for loving him.  And one day I promise to repeat all
these promises in front of our families and friends when I marry him.

All this I promise to you,
Kevin Richardson"


At the bottom Kevin added, "This is all I have to give him (no pun intended). 
 God, will it be enough?"

"Yes, Kevin, it's enough.  It's all I ever wanted."  I threw the journal on 
the bed, got up and ran out the door.