You Do What You Have To Do:
Chapter 41
By: Tina and Danielle
(C)by us too
************************************

We stood under the spray of the water for a long time. I loved just holding
him like this. Neither one of us seemed to be in any hurry to let go either.
I finally managed to let go of him and step away, looking at him as the
water fell in streams down the sides of his face and over his shoulders.

I love him.  I love him more than anything.  I watched in rapt attention,
the way the water ran in rivers down his face, drops sticking to his
eyelashes and sparkling like diamonds on his skin.  My eyes traveled
downwards to his lips and I reached my fingers out to trace the moisture on
them.

Kevin felt Nick's touch on his lips and opened his eyes, seeing Nick looking
at him with an expression on his face that he couldn't place.  Kevin didn't
move, just stood looking at Nick, letting him have this moment.  Kevin
watched Nick more closely and realized what the expression on his face was.
It was wonder, pure childlike wonder.  Kevin wondered what had happened
inside his love's head to put that expression on his face.  He hoped to god
it had been him.

I felt Kevin's eyes on me and met them.  I hoped that all the love I saw
shining in his eyes was being returned by me.  I knew it was when he pulled
me close and wrapped me in his strong arms.  I felt so safe, so loved, and I
never wanted to leave.

Something in your eyes
makes me want to lose myself
makes me want to lose myself
in your arms

Kevin held Nick tighter, his fingers smoothing the younger man's wet hair.
This felt so right for him.  The demons in his mind didn't scare him any
more.   This was right.  There was no other way he could explain it to
himself.  He thanked whatever power that had brought Nick to him, and more
importantly, that made their love strong enough for Nick to give his scared
heart another chance.

I loosened my arms around him and kissed over his chest, sucking softly on
his neck.  When I heard a soft moan come from his lips, I looked up at him
and saw him looking down at me and I don't know who moved forward, but our
lips met and held together in a slow, deep kiss.

I was the one who pulled away and we were both a little breathless from the
intensity of it.  I smiled up at him and grabbed the shampoo from the side
of the shower, "My turn to get you all squeaky clean."

He smiled and I reached my hands into his hair, lathering it up.  I massaged
his scalp as I worked and when I saw the dopey smile on Kevin's face, I knew
I was doing a good job of it.  I leaned his head back into the spray and
cleaned the shampoo off his dark hair and then took the soap in my hands,
starting my hands on his broad chest.

I worked slowly and with long, deep strokes over his body, seeing his knees
wobble a little under my care.  That made me smile, that I could do to him
what he's capable of doing to me.

When I had him clean from head to foot, we got out of the shower and I
wouldn't let him dry himself off, instead taking his towel and doing it
myself.  I kinda missed taking care of him like I had when he'd gotten out
of the hospital.  I smiled at the memory of the time before the hell on
earth that had happened. It was that time in the cabin that had made me fall
in love with him.

"What are you smiling about?"

I blinked and looked up to meet Kevin's eyes sparkling down into mine.  I
smiled back at him, "Just thinking back.  I kinda miss taking care of you."

There's something in your voice
makes my heart beat fast
hope this feeling lasts
the rest of my life

He smiled as the memories of the cabin washed over him at my words, "You are
the only person I would ever let take care of me."  He put his hands on my
shoulders and kissed my forehead, "You are the only person that sees the
real me, Nickers.  I like that. It's something special between you and me."

I looked up at him, "I feel the same way."

We got dressed and talked while we were changing.

"What do you want to do today? You performed so well that we have two days
off."

I smiled, "Something normal.  Something Bumpkin and Nickers, not Kevin
Richardson and Nick Carter, Backstreet Boys.


Kevin smiled, "That sounds perfect, the question is, what would that be?"

I shrugged, "I'll figure something out."  I pulled a hat on, carefully
hiding my hair.  I knew if I went out there and even one part of my hair was
showing, we would be done for.  I felt around in my suitcase for silver
beaded choker necklace that AJ had given me and fastened it around my neck,
then took a fake earring and put it in my ear.  Another one went up in the
cartilage that looked like a little man crawling up the rim of my ear.  I
had a pair of baggy jeans on and a fubu jersey.  All in all, it was a good
disguise that only needed some sunglasses to complete it.  It had never let
me down before, because I didn't even look like the Nick Carter that was in
the media.

I sat down on the bed and looked at Kevin as he finished getting ready.  He
was dressed similar to me, baggy jeans and jersey.  He had a hat on his head
too and the hair that stuck out from under the edges was brushed with this
stuff the Firm gave us that turned Kevin's hair this purplish color where it
was highlighted, making him look a little like a punk.  He put a fake hoop
earring on the side of his nose and another one in his trademark eyebrows.
His diamond studs in his ears were replaced with what looked like steel
jacket studs that you would see on a biker's leather jacket.  He looked
pretty bad ass when he was done.  If I didn't know he was the biggest teddy
bear on the planet, I would have been scared of him.

I got up from the bed and looked at the both of us.  We looked
unrecognizable.  They would spot AJ in a minute with this get up, but the
fans would never expect it of me and Kevin. Not in a million years.

We were all ready to go and we grabbed our sunglasses, heading for the
elevator. When we got to the lobby, we smirked as some people intentionally
shied away from us.  It was very amusing.

I walked to the concierge's desk and leaned close to him, telling him who I
was and he smiled, "Good disguise, I would have never known it was you."

I grinned, "That was the plan."  I looked over some of the pamphlets looking
for something to grab my attention, "We're looking for something to do.
Nothing showbiz or touristy. Something just nice and relaxing. Somewhere
quiet."

He thought for a minute and seemed to throw away the thought he had come up
with.  I raised an eyebrow, "What were you thinking?"

He smiled, "You wouldn't..."

I smiled back, "You never know unless you tell me."

He looked towards the door, "Well we have a shuttle leaving for the zoo in
five minutes.  It's not touristy.  The shuttle stops at the theme parks and
then goes out to the zoo for it's last stop. Hardly anyone goes there, but
it's a nice place, quiet and not too crowded."

I nodded, "It's perfect!"

He chuckled, "Here are your tickets, one half for the way there, the other
for the way back.  Have a good time."

I looked at the tickets, "I'm sure we will."

We got on the shuttle and looking the way we did, the families stayed up
near the front, pretty much giving us the back of the shuttle to ourselves.
I smiled at our good fortune and laced my fingers through Kevin's.  He
squeezed and looked at me, smiling.

We watched the scenery pass us by and I started thinking over everything we
had been through and everything that was spread out before us.  The past was
filled with so much pain and heartache for both of us, and now the future
was starting to look better.  It was starting to look like the devil that
was Stefanie would not be a part of our lives forever.  I shivered
involuntarily as the thought of her crossed my mind.

and if you knew
how lonely my life has been
and how long I've been
so alone

I felt Kevin move closer and squeeze my hand to get my attention.  I knew he
could see the storms in my eyes and he knew what was causing them.  He
leaned close and whispered softly in my ear, "Don't let her in your head,
Nick. Think of me. Think of you and I all tangled up in the sheets, think of
us laying on our couch back home reading comic books.  Don't let her in."

I turned to look at him and nodded.  He held my hand tighter and I smiled,
knowing that he was going to be here to chase her out of my mind.  Maybe we
would be ok. We were on our way now, after wandering in circles for a long
time, we were finally on our way.

and if you knew
how I wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way
you've done

I was taken out of my thoughts when the shuttle came to a stop and the zoo
stop was announced.  We got off and were the only ones to do so, even the
driver looked surprised we were getting off here.

We just took the surprised looks in stride and went through the gates of the
zoo and paid our admission.  Once we were inside, we just wandered around,
looking at all the habitats they had.  I stopped at one and started to
laugh, "Hey B, look! It's your distant relatives!"

He came over and looked down where I was pointing and the look on his face
killed me as he realized I was pointing to the turtles.  He rolled his eyes
with a sigh, "Where does this whole turtle thing come from? What did I do to
deserve this?"

I smiled, "Good Question.  I also have an answer for ya."  I stepped back a
bit and did what the fans had named the "Kevin turtle dance of joy" which
did kinda look like a turtle dancing poking out of it's shell.

He gave me the death glare for that one.  He never understood why the fans
had picked up on that little dance move and made it his.  I, personally,
thought it was adorable when he did it.

I smiled and stopped dancing, seeing him pout by the railing.  I went over
to him and without thinking about it, put my arms around him and kissed him,
"I love that move and I love you. Someday I'm gonna get you to do that dance
for me naked."  I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively and he blushed.  I
grinned and let him go, "Now let's go!"  I grabbed his wrist and tugged him
behind me.

He had no choice but to laugh at my enthusiasm and follow me.  "Babe, watch
it on the PDA's in public, ok? As much as it kills me to...."

I turned around, realizing what I had done, "Oh. Sorry."

He smiled and tapped the brim of my hat, "It's ok. I don't think anyone saw
and if they did, screw them."

I smiled and was hit with a brilliant idea, "I bet there is an animal in
here that looks like each one of us.  Let's find them!"

He rolled his eyes, but I knew he would go for my idea, he always did. He
grinned and nodded, "Well we have me down. Now onto you!"  With that he took
off, smacking my ass on the way by.

My jaw dropped as he laughed and ran ahead of me.  Did he just smack my ass?
I rubbed the sore spot.  He did.  My god, there was hope for him yet!

I ran after him and caught up with him at the other end of the waterlife
exhibit.  "I found D!"

I raised an eyebrow and he pointed down to a beaver with the same big brown
eyes as Howie and the same rather prominent front teeth. It was even messing
with it's hair like Howie always does!  I laughed and nodded, "You and D
down, three to go!"

We wandered some more and I found another one that resembled a band mate.
"I found your cousin."

He turned around and saw me pointing at an exhibit of weasels.  I saw him
try to act serious and like I was doing something nasty, but the twitching
of the corners of his mouth proved that he agreed with me.

I just gave him a cheesy grin and kept going.  Forgiving Brian was not high
on my list of priorities right now.  He put us through hell and him getting
a little taste of it back was not a bad idea right now for me.

We wandered around the zoo some more and decided to sit on a bench and enjoy
some of the sun that California was so famous for.  Kevin got up and came
back with lemonade's for both of us and pulled something out of his
backpack.  I grinned when I saw the book he had given me and the comics I
had given him.

He handed me the book and something else and I noticed it was my sketch pad.
I grinned and decided to sip my lemonade while sketching some scenes from
the zoo.  The sight of Kevin reading my comics kept my attention most of the
time, to be honest.  It reminded me of the short time we spent in our new
home.

it feels like home to me
it feels like home to me
it feels like I'm all the way back
where I come from

it feels like home to me
it feels like home to me
it feels like I'm all the way back
where I belong

I'd had this sketch book for a long time now.  Years.  It was almost like my
journal, instead of words there were pictures of scenes from my life.  The
pictures were mostly happy ones. Moments I wanted to remember.  As I flipped
through I smiled as I saw a picture I had drawn of Kevin and I fishing.  It
was the moment before we had kissed for the first time.  A moment I never
wanted to forget.

The pictures got darker after that. I stopped on one that brought goosebumps
to my skin.  It was a picture of a broken window covered with pieces of wood
nailed to it.  A little of the window was visible, it's glass long shattered
and spiderwebs in it's place. It was the only view I had in that church
basement.  I stared out of the window for hours while not knowing if I would
ever walk out of there.  It looked like an innocent picture to anyone who
would pick up the sketch book, but to me it was the picture of the only
thing that kept me sane, the promise of getting outside that window to see
more than that little piece of sky I could see through the broken glass.

A window breaks
down a long dark street
and a siren rings
in the night

I flipped through the next few pages, drawings of crosses and fire and
blood.  Things I needed to get out any way I could or the memories would
drive me out of my mind.  Once they got on the paper they seemed not so big
and overpowering anymore.  The furious flipping of pages stopped as I found
the page I was looking for, the face of a dolphin peeking out from the
water.  I traced the lines and remember the week on the boat.  It was so
peaceful, so perfect.  Some part of me wishes we were still out there on the
water on our way to Australia.  I looked up from the page and reached for
Kevin's hand, giving it a squeeze.  Being here did have it's advantages
though.

But I'm alright
cause I have you here with me
and I can almost see
through the dark there is light

He looked up at me and smiled, giving my hand a squeeze back before letting
go as a young family walked by.  I brought my hand to the side of my face,
trapping the feeling of his touch between my hand and my skin, I would have
given anything at that moment to just have the freedom to take him in my
arms and kiss him, not having to worry about the rest of the world and their
reaction.  I sighed, pipe dream I guess.

if you knew
how much this moment means to me
and how long
I've waited for your touch

I flipped through some more pages and found the sketches I had done while
trying not to sleep, missing Kevin like crazy.  I drew a picture of the last
moment I had been happy, laying on the couch reading with him.

I felt a hand on mine and looked up to see Kevin looking over my shoulder at
the picture.  "This was done when I...."

I nodded, "How can you tell?"

He moved his hand behind me and I felt it slip under my jersey and rub over
my back in slow circles, "All the detail you put into it.  I can feel how
much you were missing me just looking at it."  He pressed his hand into my
skin and I saw his head drop, "I'm so sorry."

I smiled softly at him, "I know you are. It's forgiven.  We both have to
make sure it never happens again."

He nodded and stretched a little, throwing out his empty glass, "Ready to
finish the zoo?"

I nodded and got my things back in Kevin's bag and we were off again.  We
wandered around some more and Kevin beckoned me over to the railing he was
standing at, "I found you!"

 I walked over and found him pointing at a lion laying out in the sun. I
raised an eyebrow, "How is that me?"

He smiled, his green eyes dancing, and I found my breath catching at how
happy he looked, "Well, besides the blonde thing you both got going on.  See
the way he's there all laid back and just kinda chilling there? You are like
that, laid back.  But we both know that the lion is seeing everything that
is going on around him and if you piss him off, watch out!  Just like you.
You notice everything and it takes alot to get you angry and when you
are....damn you make me look like a teddy bear!"

I smiled at that and let him continue.

"The last thing that reminds me of you in that lion is the hair.", He was
pointing to the mane on the lounging lion."That 'do the lion has going looks
an awful lot the famous Carter bed head we all know and love!"

I went to smack him, but he was too quick.  He was already a few paces away
laughing at me and shaking his finger, "That will teach you not to mess with
the turtle! As one of those fan sites says, TURTLE POWER!!!"  He raised his
fist in the air and pumped it causing me to roll my eyes and shake my head
while I laughed.

He calmed down when he realized I wasn't going to hunt him down and cause
him a long and ticklish death...yet.  He walked back over beside me and we
went on to the last habitat of the tour.   We watched the animals swinging
from the trees with smiles on our faces. The monkeys were always the best
part of the zoo.  Kevin laughed and pointed at two monkeys in the tree, "I
found AJ!"

I looked and sure enough there was a monkey with a wild mane of hair and
dark circles around his eyes looking almost like sunglasses and he was
getting his mack on with another girl monkey.  I laughed, "God, we found an
ancestor of the BoneDaddy family!  It's nice to know he hasn't evolved all
that much from his roots! Lives for sex and still maintains the distinctive
hair!"

Kevin was nearly doubled over laughing, "Do you suppose that's where he got
that term "Wild monkey sex" that he is so fond of, from?"

I broke down laughing, "Well it's a theory we are going to have to ask him
about. Maybe we can coax it out of him with a couple of bananas."

We broke down laughing again and got caught up watching the monkeys.  Damn
it must have been mating season because everywhere you looked there were
monkeys doing the nasty.  I looked up at Kevin, who was standing behind me a
little, "Damn, I'm actually starting to envy these monkeys."

He smiled and grabbed my hand, pulling me down the trail.  He found a little
outcropping of rocks and slid us behind it, grabbing my face and pulling me
in for a long, deep kiss.  "I've wanted to do that for hours now."

I smiled, "Me too.  Let's get back to the hotel. It may be boring, but at
least I don't have to keep my hands to myself."

He nodded, "I think we are about done here anyway. Did you have fun?"

I nodded, "Yeah. You?"

He nodded and leaned forward to kiss me lightly on the nose, "I'd have fun
in a garbage dump as long as I was with you."

I'm sure the dopey assed grin on my face said more than any words that could
have came out of my mouth at that moment.

and if you knew
how happy you are making me
I never thought
that I'd love anyone so much

He grabbed my wrist and pulled me back out on the trail, with the sun
starting to set behind us as we walked to the shuttle that would bring us
back to the hotel.

Little did Mr. Richardson know the day wasn't over yet, not by a long shot.

**********

*lyrics are from Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk from the Dawson's Creek
cd. *