You Do What You Have To Do
Chapter 48
By Tee and Danielle
(C) by us too
**********************************

We got down the stairs and I took another deep breath before walking into
the living room where my parents were now seated after cleaning up the
dinner mess.

"All asleep?"

I nodded, "Yah, they were all just bushed."

Kevin and I went to a loveseat across from my parents and sat down.  I
looked at them and then at Kevin, sending up one last little prayer to the
heavens before all this started.

"What is it, Nick?"

I turned my head to look at my mother.  She was looking at me with a
quizzical look on her face, "You've been looking like you've wanted to say
something to us all day. What is it?"

I nodded, it was now or never.  "Mom, I'm in love."  I saw her face light up
and almost dreaded telling her the rest of it, knowing that light was going
to go out.  "I've never been so happy before. It's.....this is the once in a
lifetime, I'm going to be with them forever kind of love.  Mom, I mean it,
I've never been so happy before in my life. I've never been so in love."

She got up and came over to me, "That's wonderful! When do we get to meet
this wonderful girl?"

She went to hug me, but I flinched out of her grasp, "Mom....it's not a
girl."

Her hands dropped to her sides and her face just fell.  The silence was just
deafening. I tried to get my mouth to work, to say something more, but
before I could get a sound out, my head was jerking to the side and the side
of my face was on fire, the sound of impact ringing in my ears.

"This is not funny, Nickolas."

I put my hand to the throbbing side of my face and my eyesight blurred as my
eyes filled with tears. My mother had never hit me before. Ever.  I felt
myself being pulled against something familiar. Something warm and
comforting. Kevin.  My Kevin.  I closed my eyes and tried to will my heart
to stop aching. I repeated Kevin's song verse that he had sung to me
upstairs over and over in my head until I'd calmed down.

I opened my eyes, "I'm not joking.  Mom, I'm in love with Kevin and he's
just as much in love with me.  I've always been in love with him, I just
wouldn't let myself face it."

I just kept looking her straight in the eye, I could show no doubt at all, I
had to look her right in the eye or she would pounce all over a shred of
hesitation if I showed it.   "Mom, you always told me that love came in all
sorts of packages.  I found love, it just happens to be in Kevin, not a
girl."

She looked at me and then at Kevin, "YOU!"  She pointed at Kevin and came
towards him. The both of us stiffened, expecting another blow.  I brought my
free hand down and found Kevin's, holding it and squeezing tightly, trying
to give both of us strength.

She was right in Kevin's face now. "You were supposed to watch out for him!
You were to be there when I couldn't be on the road. You were supposed to be
an older brother, NOT seduce him!"

She paced in front of us and then stopped looking at Kevin with so much fire
in her eyes, I nearly felt myself burned by it. "How long has this been
going on?  How many times have you raped my son?  What did you do to him to
turn him into this?!" Her hand went flying again and I just snapped.

No one accuses my beautiful, loving, kind, Kevin of the things she just did.
No one.

My hand shot out and stopped hers in it's tracks on it's way to Kevin's
face.

Kevin's eyes opened when the impact he expected didn't come.

My mother looked at me, I had every ounce of the fire in my eyes that she
had in hers. I kept my grip on her wrist as I looked her right dead in the
eye. "He has never raped me. EVER.  He has been nothing but loving and kind
and gentle with me every step of the way.  He did nothing to make me this
way, Mom. I just am.  This is all new to us.  Do you think we planned for
this to happen to us? All I know is that Kevin makes me happier than I have
been in a long, long time.  I feel like for the first time I'm truly alive.
The high I get from performing is nothing compared to the high I get knowing
that he loves me.   Mom, he loves me.  He truly loves me.  He even backed
off, cutting himself off from me when he started asking himself the same
things you asked just now. "

I swallowed hard, trying to choke down the lump that was in my throat, I had
to get this out, I just had to make her understand. "Momma, it nearly killed
me.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't do anything but miss him
so much that it felt like I was dying.  Momma, you know how you said on the
phone that I looked like death warmed over on that morning show interview
and how you said I was too skinny and asked if I was eating?" I stopped and
gave her time to think about it, continuing when she nodded.  "Momma, that's
what happens when you try to make yourself not love someone because you are
afraid of what everyone will think.  It kills you, Momma, little by little,
from the inside out."

I let go of her wrist, watching her arm drop to her side, "You always taught
us not to judge the package that love comes in. That love comes in all kinds
of places and all kinds of people.  My love comes in Kevin.  I would give my
life for him and I know he would do the same for me in a heartbeat.  Momma,
please.  I wouldn't have come to you and told you this unless I was sure
this was real.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  This is the
real thing.  And I hope to God this is forever, because I don't think I
could live without him."

I took a shaky breath and looked up at Kevin, who was looking at me with
tear-filled eyes. I turned back to face my mother after squeezing Kevin's
hand for strength, "Momma, when Stefanie had me there in that church....she
shot Kevin and I saw him fall.  When the flames came, the only reason I
screamed was because I knew Kevin was down there burning in them.  I wanted
to die in those moments.  I wanted to be with him and if he wasn't going to
walk out of there, neither was I, Momma.  I would have gladly sacrificed
myself to those flames if it meant I didn't have to live without him."

I closed my eyes, remembering those awful moments in the church when I
thought Kevin was dead and my screams had turned from screams for help to
screams to the heavens to take me out of my misery and let the fire claim
me.  I never wanted to feel that hopeless again.

I felt myself being  held from behind and I knew it was Kevin, reassuring me
that he was there. No matter what.  I looked at my Dad for the first time,
"Dad, please understand.  It's bad enough were are going to have to hide
from the whole world, please don't make me hide from my own family too. I
can't be what I'm not, you know that."

I stopped talking. I had nothing more to say.  I just stood with Kevin,
looking at my parents as they looked back at us.  I couldn't read the
expression on either of their faces.

"Kevin?"

It was my Dad.

Kevin looked up and met his eyes, "Yes sir?"

My dad looked directly at him, "Kevin, everything he said....do you feel the
same way?"

I felt Kevin's arms tighten around me, "Yes sir.  With all my heart and
soul.  Everything.  When his screams stopped in that church....when I
thought he was.....I died too, Sir.  It may have not been physically, but
everything inside of me just died.  I love him and I would never, ever hurt
him intentionally."

My father nodded, "I know that, Kevin."  He walked over and put a hand on
Kevin's shoulder, "Just know that if you hurt my boy, you will have me to
deal with. Is that understood?"

Kevin nodded, "You have my word that I will never hurt him."  He stuck out
his hand and my father shook it.

"That's good enough for me."  He released Kevin's hand and looked at him, a
small smile on his face, "And Kevin?"

"Yes?"

I felt the both of us tense up for whatever was coming.

"If you call me sir ever again, I'm going to have to slap you upside the
head. It's Bob. Is that understood?"

I felt Kevin's smile, even though I couldn't see it.  "Yes, Bob."

I felt some of the tension leave me.  My father was ok with this. Wow. That
was something I never expected.  Apparently neither did my mother.

"Robert! What are you doing?!"

My dad turned around and looked at her, "I'm seeing what you are choosing to
ignore.  Look at him, Jane."

My mother looked at me and I looked back at her.  My dad continued talking
to her, "He's happy.  He's happier than I've ever seen him before.  All
today there wasn't a moment that he wasn't laughing or smiling or that his
eyes weren't lit right up.

You saw him in that interview, Jane.  He was miserable. He had no joy in his
eyes. That was when Kevin was in New York and he was here.  Now Kevin is
here and so is the happiness in my son's eyes.   Look at them, Jane. They do
love each other.  My god, they almost DIED for each other.   When they each
thought the other was dead, they didn't want to live any more."

He went over to my mom and cupped her face in his hands, making her look at
him, "That's love, Jane, and you know it is.  It's the same way I feel about
you. If you weren't here, I wouldn't want to live either.  I would try for
the sake of the kids, but inside everything that makes me who I am would
leave with you."

He turned her face towards us again, "Look at them, Jane.  Really look at
them."

She looked at us, long and hard.  My dad squeezed her shoulders
reassuringly, "We only wanted to things for him his whole life.  We wanted
him to be happy and we wanted him to be loved.  He has both with Kevin, who
are we to make him hide the two things we've always wanted for him from us?"

I saw my mother sigh softly and look up at my father. "I hate that."

He looked down at her, "What?"

She smiled a little, "When you are right."