You Do What You Have To Do
Chapter 58 
By Tee and Danielle (this one by D)
(C) by us too.
*****************************************
 
You know when you get that feeling of dread?  That feeling that your stomach 
has balled into itself and a cold wind blows through you and chills you to 
the bone, freezing your stomach into that clenched ball? God, I feel like 
I'm going to throw up.
 
He's so quiet.  
 
I wouldn 't even know he was alive, but I can see his shoulders rising just 
a little with each inhale. 
 
I don't know what to do.
 
He's trying so hard to keep himself together.  I can see the vein throbbing
on the edge of his forehead, just above his temple.  He won't look at me.  
He won't look at anything.  He's just sitting in the back of the car with 
me, staring out at the night beyond the headlights.   
 
I met Brian's eyes in the rearview mirror and I can tell he's just as 
scared as I am.  We both knew instinctively not to talk. To break the 
silence in that car would be like inviting the wrath of God upon you.  
We both knew not to fuck with the stony silence.  Both Brian and I had 
learned that the hard way and once that lesson is learned, you never 
forget it.
 
I could see the hotel in the distance, coming closer.  Thank God. I 
needed to get him alone.  I needed.... god, I didn't even know what I 
needed to do.  Does he want me near him? If I touched his hand, would 
he jerk it away? 
 
I did this.  I caused him to lose everything. He loved me and because of 
that he lost his family. Me.  I did this.
 
I felt the car stop and blinked, coming back to the here and now. Brian 
and I seemed to be controlled by something other than ourselves. We both
got out of the car and he waited at the front bumper while I went to the
other side and opened Kevin's door.  
 
The noise of it seemed to startle him for a second, then he got out.  
He stared at the ground  for a second, then up at the sky. "I want......
to go....home."  
 
It was so soft, I almost didn't hear it.  It was like if he talked too 
loud it would physically hurt him.   I looked up at Brian and he nodded, 
letting me know wordlessly that he would take care of it.  I nodded back 
and looked at Kevin once again.
 
I took my hand and reached out for his to lead him into the hotel.  Slowly.
I didn't want to scare him right now. I wanted to give him every chance to 
pull away, to give me clue that he didn't want me to even be near him right
now.  
 
My hand was halfway to him and I could see it shaking. I wasn't sure if 
it was just my hand that was shaking or my whole body.  The knot in my 
stomach was so cold and so tight  that it hurt. It physically hurt.  
 
He wasn't moving away. He wasn't reaching for my hand either. I moved my 
hand up and made contact with the edge of his sleeve instead of his hand.   
Something told me that flesh to flesh contact of any sort right now might 
be something that would jar him out of this suspended state he seemed to 
be in and the middle of a parking lot was no place to find out what would 
happen when the spell he was under broke. 
 
I led him into the hotel, through the lobby and into the elevator.  I don't
think he even knew where he was, he was just letting me lead him blindly.  
Brian was on the floor below us and he raised an eyebrow as the doors opened
to his corridor.  I shook my head, letting him know that I needed to do this
alone. 
 
He nodded and paused to turn back to look at Kevin.  Very softly, he spoke.
"Goodnight, Kevin."  
 
Nothing. Not a blink.  Not a nod. Nothing.
 
Brian sighed and started out of the elevator, then turned around to regard
his cousin again, "I love you."
 
"I know."
 
I didn't see him move.  I didn't see his lips form the whispered words. 
But they hung in the air just the same. Brian raised his hand in a wave 
to me as the elevator doors slid shut and I was left looking at our 
reflection in the metal doors. 
 
The elevator started moving again and I realized I was watching Kevin 
deteriorate right before my eyes.  After we had made it out of the other 
side of hell...the best way I could describe Kevin and I....we were cavemen.
We had been through so much pain and terror and heartache that when we got 
out of it, our emotions were stripped bare.  
 
We both existed in this world where we felt nothing unless it was extremes.
After getting through all we had been through, my emotions were gone.  It 
consisted of Kevin love.  Fire bad. Stefanie BAD. Sleep bad.  Dreams bad. 
Music good. Body...pain.  Pain bad.  I never felt anything at all unless 
it was extreme enough to cut into fog that Kevin and I both lived in 
because of Her.
 
Then, slowly, the emotions started coming back.  If I was happy, I smiled.
If I was sad, I cried. If I was mad, god help anything in my path.   I 
couldn't control them.  It was like when your leg falls asleep and then 
you stand up and the bloodflow starts happening again and the nerves come 
back to life all at once. You can feel every hair on your leg, every pore.  
That's what it was like when my emotions started coming back, they all 
attacked at once and I could only let them run their course until 
eventually they settled down and I could control them again.
 
I had Kevin and I in the room now.  He was sitting on the couch that I 
led him to.  I took off my jacket and draped it over the back of a chair.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kevin shudder.  
 
My blood froze in my veins and the knot in my stomach tightened even 
more.  I knew that shudder.  It was the same one I was doing when I was
lost in the throes of that awful nightmare.  That shudder happened at 
the moment I started to let go, to give in to the madness because the 
fight was too hard.  
 
Oh god.  No.
 
I don't remember crossing the room to get to him, I was just there.  
 
I fell to my knees in front of him and grabbed his face in my hands, 
forcing his face to face mine. "Kevin.  Look at me."  
 
His eyes were looking at me, but I knew from the glassy stare that he 
wasn't seeing me.  I gripped the sides of his head more steadily, "Kevin 
SEE ME.  Don't you pull away from me.  FIGHT IT.  Do you hear me? You fight
it.  You wouldn't let me give in to it, I'm not going to let you go without
one hell of a fight!" 
 
Nothing.  The same vacant stare.  
 
I shook him a little, "Kevin, please!  Please come back to me.  Don't 
let her win, Kevin. Stay with me. Fight it and stay with me."
 
I looked into his eyes and I saw the moment the light inside of them went
out.  
 
I'd lost him.  
 
My whole body just went numb.  I fell back onto my knees, my arms hanging
at my sides.  I'd lost him.  
 
All that was left in front of me was a shell.  The Kevin I knew and loved 
was somewhere deep inside of that shell.  I knew I was never going to get
him back.  
 
I laid my head on his knee, not even knowing how I was breathing at that 
moment.  I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.  I could feel it closing in 
on me.  It had Kevin and it wasn't satisfied. It wanted us both.  
 
He was the reason I fought it. He was the one who had pulled me back 
from the edge.  When it mattered, I couldn't do the same for him.  I had 
nothing left here.  The reason to fight it was gone.
 
I stared out into the air.  Into nothingness.
 
He was gone.
 
Kevin.
 
Gone.
 
Bad.
 
And then I did the only thing I could do. 
 
I stopped fighting it.
 
I gave in.