I watch you dance steadily to the rhythm that this
song is giving off. I have to really concentrate on breathing. Dang Lance,
there is just something about you. You are just so sexy and so, I don’t know,
you. Maybe tonight I’ll tell you…maybe.
Today was a tough day but I know that I’m about ready to
do something tougher. “Lance,” I say cautiously, “can we talk.” I know you will
say yes. You come into my room late at night anyway to talk and play stupid
games of are you nervous. Obviously I’m not nervous. I just shake because I
want you so damn bad.
You look at me with those beautiful green eyes and say,
“Sure.” I could almost swear that I see you smile some new smile that I only
see when we are alone.
As we walk into my room you start to tickle me and say “
Are you nervous?”
I just can’t stop giggling enough to tell you “No I just
want you.” Somewhere along the line of tickling and giggling you straddle me
and it takes all my strength to not just reach up and kiss you.
You suddenly roll off of me and say, “So what do you want
to talk about?”
Taking a deep breath I say, “Do you ever wonder if you
are bi?”
You pause a little bit before you say, “Yes I guess. I
mean well sometimes I look at some people and think they are cute and stuff.
Why?”
“ Because I wonder too. I think some guys are cute and
stuff too,” I say still wondering what you are going to say.
“Who?” you ask with what almost sounds like hope.
After I blush profusely I stammer, “You.”
I thought you would walk out of the room but do you know
what you did Lance? You just looked into my eyes and said, “I feel the same way
about you.”
From that day on Lance I knew I loved you. I knew I
always would. I didn’t tell you for a few months.
One night, after we had sex, yes we were having sex
without even saying a word about emotion and we never kissed, I wanted to but
you would never let me, I said it. I said, “Lance, I love you.” Maybe I was
just crazy but I really thought you would look into my eyes again and say, “I
feel the same way.”
You didn’t though, you just said, “I better go to my room
now.” You just got up and left my room. We didn’t talk about it for a while but
when we finally did you said you didn’t feel the same way and that you were
sorry. We still had sex though. We still had sex without kissing.
One day I couldn’t handle it anymore. I just had to kiss
you. You said, “It will ruin our friendship.” I kissed you anyway, and a part
of me died from happiness.
A year passed Lance. A year and we were still having sex
but you didn’t care. I had cried enough. I wished on every shooting star I had
seen for around 365 days. I didn’t want to cry anymore. So one day I decided to
get over you. It took about 7 months but I did. Then on the night that I had
decided that the sex was going to stop, that this feeling of being used was
going to stop, I started crying before I could get the words out. Then all I
could do was cry and say I love you. I guess I wasn’t over you. You did
something I never expected Lance. You said, “I love you.” You meant it too
Lance. You gave me the world on a silver platter and I knew I would never feel
happiness like this again. Never.
2 years later
I don’t understand JC. You worked so hard to get me. How
could you just start casting my aside like that? You told me one night; you
told me I wasn’t your world anymore. That killed me Jayce. It killed me more
than anything ever will. I knew there was something wrong. You went out with
your friends all the time instead of staying at the hotel and talking with me.
Then there is Bobbie. I can tell you like her even though you will never admit
it. I know she doesn’t like you but I know you like her. I feel so betrayed JC.
I gave you my heart. I thought you would never break it, but here you are
telling me that you still love me and want to be with me forever but that I’m
just not your world anymore. I was upset. I turned away from you that night in
more ways than one, and you know what? You didn’t even make an attempt to try
and make it better. You will be sorry about that later. How could you just
throw my love aside?
8 months later
Why Lance? What possessed you to give some girl your cell
phone number? It was an online person Lance! How can you love this person too
Lance? How could you? You don’t know anything about them. I suspect that you
are having phone sex with her. That kind of does matter seeing as how we are
still going out. Even then, you say you love me but that you are just confused
but that you still want to be with me. I know I ‘m asking you too many
questions and all of them I know you don’t know the answers to yet. Remember
that night I said you weren’t my world anymore? That is the night I think you
started getting over me. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you Lance, but I
didn’t mean it. If I could change one thing darling it would be me paying more
attention to you. I would go back in time and show you just how much of my
world you are. How could I have hurt you Lance? I’m afraid that now I am going
to lose you. You are getting awfully close with this person Lance. She doesn’t
even know you are an *NSYNC member, but you might meet her later? I don’t know
Lance, just look, please don’t leave me. I think I might die if you do. I love
you so much Lance, don’t leave me.
2 months later
Look JC, I told you a thousand times that I don’t know
why. We are taking a break now Jayce, try to be more break like. I’m not your
property anymore and I don’t know why I still love you but can’t be with you
just now. I’m sorry JC. Really I am. I never meant to hurt you. Now that I did
though I guess the tables are turned. I really don’t know if we are going to be
together. After I meet this person it will all be straightened out. I promise.
Just wait a few months baby. I’m sorry.
1 year later
I showed up on your doorstep, crying, Lance. It had been
a year. You had chose her. It gave me a mental break down and our group broke
up because of Justin going solo, dumb bastard, anyway I hadn’t talked to you
for a while. The thing is, I met someone Lance. I met someone who loves me.
Really loves me, for me and not for anything else. I don’t quite love him like
I loved you but I don’t think I ever really will love anybody the way I loved
you. I had to see you again. To see once and for all that you wouldn’t want me
back. I came crying to you Lance, begging for you to either take me back or
give me your permission to let me go. You didn’t even blink an eye Lance. You
just told me that it was over between us and you would never come back and to
go find this man and never let go. Then you shut the door on me. I went Lance.
I went to this new man. What I have with him isn’t even half as special as what
we had. I don’t see stars or fireworks when I kiss him, and he doesn’t taste
like honeysuckle either. But I do feel safe in his arms, and I know I am loved
now Lance. He doesn’t make me cry. I still think of you. At odd times too. I
was in his arms and right as he said “I love you,” a shooting star came by and
I thought of you. Thought it was your voice whispering those words. I started
crying in his arms and without even asking he knew what was wrong and he just
held me. I love him Lance but it will never be the love we had. I don’t know
Lance. There was just something about you, about us, that I will never be able
to let go.
2 years later
I can’t believe I was so blind JC. I just woke up one morning and realized I didn’t love her at all. That I was missing you so bad it was killing me. I’m sorry I didn’t go to your marriage. I know you wanted me to be there but I just couldn’t go. Two years ago you showed up to my doorstep and cried. I should have told you then I still loved you but I didn’t. I’m a fool JC. A fool. Now all I can think about is you. I guess we will never be together though. I will find someone new. I somehow learned to survive without you just like you did me. It’s just that I’ll never have what I had with you again. You where my soul mate JC, you where my all. Now I’m finding this out. About 20 broken hearts too late. Why can’t I forget you? I was so sure that giving you up was the best thing. I don’t know JC, there is just something about you, something about us, that I will never be able to let go.
The end