Coming Out

Author's Note- For those of you who know what slash is, this is NOT slash. This is a learning story, focused on homosexuality. I recently had a discussion on gay discrimination and knew that I had to write something. That's my whole purpose as a writer I suppose, to wake people up. From my standpoint, I don't believe that heavily in a religion and I see nothing wrong with being gay. I know homosexuality is a VERY sensitive subject, so be forewarned. I feel very strongly on this subject but these are my opinions put into Nsync's FICTIONAL dialogue. There is a disclaimer on my homepage, but it basically says that what I write is fiction and I do not make money off of it. These are not necessarily the views and standpoints of Nsync. Nsync are real, living people and the only characters I own are the ones I make up. With all of this said, lets move on… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris watched with fascination as J.C. left the hotel room. 'God, look at that ass,' he thought. Chris quickly looked around as if afraid someone heard his thoughts. 'Stop it Chris, just knock it off. You don't swing that way.'

But he wasn't so sure. These new thoughts were scaring him.

"So I'll see you guys at what time?" Joey asked, hand on the doorframe.

Lance stepped forward. "At eight. Why am I the only one that can remember these things?" he asked. They looked at Chris as the older man watched from the bed. "Good movie Chris, maybe we'll have to listen to you more often."

Joey laughed. "Or not."

"Hey man, Dumb and Dumber is a classic. You can't go wrong with a classic," Chris half smiled. His concentration left with J.C.

Joey rolled his eyes as Lance followed him out. A 'whatever' echoed in the hall as Chris got up to close the door. Justin had fallen asleep half way through the movie. Chris didn't blame him; they'd seen the movie ten million times. Justin was lying with his head at the foot of the bed, on his stomach and Chris opted to leave him there. He was suppose to be sharing a room with Joey but Chris was glad to have the not so…was loud the word?…band mate in the same room again. He and Joey were almost always paired up when they had to share a room. Chris was glad this time it was Justin and the kid was asleep already.

Chris went to his Orlando Magic duffel bag and pulled out a spiral notebook. The notebook was serving as his journal, and had been for a few weeks now. Ever since he had needed someone to talk to that wouldn't talk back. Sometimes Chris was protective of the duffel bag that held his sacred thoughts, but the others were either too busy or to loyal to read the notebook, IF they found it.

Today was one of their precious days off and Chris hadn't even bothered to get dressed fully. After striping off his gray T-shirt, he sat on the bed in his black sweatpants. While his outfit was comfortable, it mis-matched terribly and the sweatpants sagged. But that wasn't his fault. The shortness came in his genetic makeup and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. 'Sounds convincing,' he told himself with a small smile.

Justin mumbled something and rolled over. Chris watched, hoping the blonde didn't wake up. If left undisturbed, Justin would sleep for 12 hours straight. Chris had timed him.

"Thank you," Chris whispered to himself. His heart began to slow as he picked up a black pen. Being the energetic one, Chris always needed something to do, even when he was writing. A nasty pen-chewing habit had developed not long after being out on the road, resulting in his own personal mountain of mangled pens that the others didn't want to touch.

With a sigh, Chris began writing.

'October 12, 2000. God I don't know what's happening to me. I'm getting worse. I know I'm straight, I have a girlfriend for Christ's sakes, but we don't see each other and I don't find myself missing her. I'm so confused. I can't tell anyone. They'll hate me, I know. I feel dirty when they make gay jokes. It hurts, like they are directing those comments on me. Like they know. How can they know, I don't even know. Do I act funny? Can they tell by those glimpses I spend on J.C.'s dancing? I watch any of them for that matter. But it's normal right? I mean, humans are contact creatures, we need other human beings to survive. Everyone looks at both sexes. It's a familiarity thing. You know your best friend's body whether they are the same sex or not. It's just normal. But when do you draw the line? When does the innocent but private 'checking out' of other people turn into homosexuality? This hurts so much, I can't believe I'm even writing about this. I sit back and it all seems impossible, but I find that doubt always there, nagging me in the back of my head. But who do I go to? Who can I talk to? I'm alone, wrestling with all of this and I'm struggling more every time I sit down to write at night. Guess I'll have to figure it out on my own.
'Chris'

Chris yawned, and set down his pen. He rubbed his cramping hand and started to reach for the light when Justin's mumbling's stopped him.

"…Mommy, I'm right here!…By the beach balls and keyboards!…mommy?"

Chris laughed and rolled his eyes. "Justin, you're too funny," he mumbled. Even though his writing had solved nothing, it still felt good to have put his thoughts on paper where he could actually see them. Deal with them. Maybe fix them.

The light went out and Chris slid beneath the unfamiliar hotel covers. Very rarely was Chris able to sleep on his back, so the older singer rolled over, facing Justin. The soft, light blue glow of the moonlight filtered in on both their bodies, barely giving way to silhouettes. Once Chris's eyes adjusted and the room seemed to have lightened, he looked around, unable to fall asleep already. It was too early. And too soon after their last meal.

Before long, Chris's eyes were traveling slowly down Justin's body. Justin was sprawled out on his stomach with one hand tucked warmly underneath him while the other was falling off the bed. Chris studied Justin's back, and the gentle curve it took before turning into a nice ass. God he wanted to jump up and give Justin a back rub right now. Just have his hands travel over that perfect backside. Even the long, muscular legs. Chris could almost feel that silky head of curls beneath his fingers. Those broad, well built shoulders…

Justin rolled over onto his side so that he was facing away from Chris. Waking out of his stupor, Chris sighed and felt the tears of embarrassment well. Embarrassment and shame. How could he think like that? What was wrong with women all of a sudden? Why were his band mates coming off as attractive to him? The tears began falling as Chris rolled onto his other side with a slight rustle of the covers. This wasn't right and he knew it. He needed help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning Chris woke up and found that Justin had already started his shower. Memories of confusion from the last night flooded back to him and he sighed. What was he going to do? If this insane pressure kept up, he would have to tell the others eventually.

Chris looked out the window and tried to relax. The sun was out and the gentle rays were warming his face. They had a concert tonight, so he bet the others weren't in a big hurry to wake up either. The thought of them sleeping gave Chris small goosebumps as his mind wandered. What he wouldn't give to be sleeping with-

"Hey, you're up," Justin said as he walked to his duffel bag. The white hotel towel was draped low around his waist and small drops of water occasionally fell on his shoulders as he walked, dripping off his blonde mound of curls.

"Yeah," Chris said softly as he watched his friend. Those feelings of lust were building up now, and while the feeling wasn't new to him, the person responsible for them was. Chris gulped and tried not to watch as a drop of water slid down Justin's flat stomach.

Justin became aware of Chris's eyes on him, watching a little too close. "What?" he asked, grabbing his clothes.

"Um, nothing," Chris replied, pulling himself out of bed. He had to get away. He had to stop this, stop his mixed up feelings. "I'm gonna get…something," he said, turning red as he rushed by Justin and out into the hall.

Chris heard the hotel door fall shut behind him and suddenly realized where he was. 'Stupid, Chris,' he told himself, looking around the hallway. 'Go out in the hall in your boxers and never mind all the screaming teenyboppers that could be waiting.' But no one was there. Thank God. Deciding staying with Justin would be a better and less painful fate than getting eaten by young girls; Chris knocked on the door and called meekly, "Justin? I need back in."

Justin came to the door and opened it part way. "Get it?"

"Get what?"

"Get what you ran out there for," Justin said.

Chris blushed and forced his eyes to stay on Justin's face. "Um, I forgot what I came out here for," he said.

"Chris are you okay?" Justin asked, opening the door.

Chris brushed past Justin and slunk back to his bed. "I'm fine, why?"

"I don't know," Justin shrugged, closing the door. "You seem a little jumpy I guess. Sugar high?"

"Not quite," Chris sighed, burying his face in the pillow.

"Whatever. You better get ready, we got a sound check in an hour."

Chris sat up. "An HOUR?" He leapt out of bed and ran to get his clothes. He glanced at the clock and sure enough, it was almost one in the afternoon. "How did I sleep so late?" he asked himself out loud as he grabbed 'his' shampoo and razor.

"I heard you almost all night talking to yourself. You have some pretty sad dreams, man," Justin replied as he turned on the TV.

Chris froze. "I talked?" he repeated. "What did I say?"

"I don’t know, I couldn't make out anything, but I thought I heard some cries. Just keep it down tonight, okay?" Justin smiled.

Chris pulled his eyes off Justin's chest. "Okay, sure. Sorry," he said, then disappeared into the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Guys, I think something's wrong with Chris," Justin said. They were preparing for the concert and Chris had gone to get something to eat before they got started.

"What do you mean?" J.C. asked.

"I don't know, it's just like he's closed up all of a sudden. He kinda jumpy."

"Maybe he's just tired," Joey said. "Like the rest of us."

"I think it's more than that," Justin sighed. "I think someone needs to talk to him."

"Who?" J.C. asked.

All the fingers pointed to Lance. "Me?" he asked. "Why me?"

"Because you're good to talk to," Justin replied. "Would you mind?"

"I guess not. But only for Chris's sake. You guys owe me."

"Thanks Lance," J.C. said.

Chris came back munching something and sat down with the others. "Hi," he smiled.

"Where's mine?" Joey asked, pretending to be hurt.

Chris tilted his head back and swallowed part of what he was chewing. "I ate it," he replied.

Joey laughed. "Pig."

"I know," Chris said. "I miss anything?"

"A group of stripers and a wild orgy, but other than that, no," Justin teased.

Chris was slammed back to the confusing darkness in his head at the word orgy. He bit his lip and tried not to let his thoughts run rapid. 'Focus…focus…' he told himself.

"Okay, you guys ready?" One of the management had entered the room and stood waiting for their reply.

"Sure am," J.C. said as he jumped up. As the others got up to follow, he realized he had forgotten something. "Oh crap, hold on," he said, suddenly turning around. J.C. walked straight into Chris, who had been on the younger man's heels. Their bodies collided and they stood awkwardly for a moment before J.C. smiled and pushed the stunned Chris off to the side. "Sorry," he apologized quickly, then continued on his way and retrieved his jacket.

Chris forced himself to move, walking numbly to the door. His mind was spinning. They had 'touched'. By accident, yes, but nonetheless, it had sent electricity through Chris's body. So close. So close Chris could smell J.C. Not just his cologne, but J.C. himself. They had been pressed together, and Chris felt as if J.C. was the tape that had stripped away part of himself.

Much to Chris's embarrassment, he longed for it to happen again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joey slapped Lance on the back. "See you in an hour?"

Lance wiped the sweat off his head with the hem of his shirt. "Sure." The others passed him on their way to their rooms. They had just gotten done with the concert and had a few hours to clean up and get their energy for going out on the town. Lance figured he would talk to Chris while the older man was low in the energy department so Lance might actually get to do most of the talking for once.

Just as Chris jogged by, Lance grabbed his arm. Chris jumped and whirled around. "Hey," Lance smiled. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Uh, I guess," Chris shrugged. "Is this about all my mess ups today, because I'm really too tired to apologize again today." Chris scolded himself for becoming distracted too easily.

"No, it's not that, I just need your help with something," Lance replied, leading Chris into his hotel room. Once Chris had gotten inside, Lance shut the door behind them.

"What do you need?" Chris asked, sitting down on the bed beside Lance's duffel bag.

Lance grabbed a chair and pulled to the middle of the room, so he was sitting in front of Chris. How to begin…"Chris, me and the others are kinda worried about you."

Chris immediately froze up, and Lance noticed it. "Um, what do you mean?" Chris asked, dropping his gaze to the floor.

Lance wished he could just hug Chris now and get everything out in the open. But it wasn't going to be that easy. This was big, or Chris wouldn't be playing this game of 'Bet You Can't Guess What My Secret Is'. Lance sighed. "I mean, you're becoming kinda withdrawn. You act out of place all of a sudden. Like you're preoccupied with something."

"It's nothing, just FuMan stuff," Chris replied quickly.

"Chris, come on. I know something's up. You can either tell me, alone, or tell the rest of the guys once they beat it out of you. Which will it be?"

'I can't tell him,' Chris thought. 'Not Lance. Not the most religious member of our group. Sorry buddy, not this time.'

"Chris, come on. What ever you say won't leave this room. You know that. I know more about you than anyone else. And you know why? Because I respect you and your secrets. Now please, tell me before this eats you up."

Chris bit his lip. He really, really did not want to tell Lance. But he was so sick inside. Sick of harboring this dark doubt, dark secret that was slowly devouring him. It hurt, and he just wanted this pain to go away. Maybe Lance would understand. Maybe Lance could help him. Chris took a deep breath. "Um," he began shakily. "You won't tell the other guys?"

Lance almost smiled. "I swear." 'Please tell me. God, please let him tell me.'

Tears welled in Chris's eyes until he couldn't see anymore. He was finally speaking the words that had haunted him for so long, plaguing his every thought and every move. "Lance," Chris paused, swallowing the painful lump in his throat. "I think I'm gay." Chris's gaze immediately fell, along with his head. He wished he could just disappear. This was a bad idea. The tears started leaking down his face now, releasing a whole flood of emotion. He was dirty and sick inside. Hearing himself say the words only made it worse. He wanted to just grab them out of the air before they hit Lance and swallow them.

Lance's jaw dropped. He sat there, staring at his friend, who he thought was his best friend and who he knew everything about, as the older man made himself shrink. Lance was supposed to know everything about Chris. Why, or how, had this never been brought up before? Just where the hell did that statement come from? Lane was at a loss of words. He could suddenly think of nothing nice to say to this brunette in front of him. Homosexuality clashed majorly with all his beliefs. It was just wrong. How could he accept this? "Chris, I…" Lance trailed off, suddenly feeling too close to this man.

Chris kept his head low. "You hate me now don't you?"

Lance could not answer. It was a simple question, one that only ten minutes ago would have been easily answered. Answered by instinct. But now…this was just too much. Lance had never had a problem with homosexuality before, because he wasn't living with one. Now this man who he thought he knew, who he had seen naked before, who he had even slept in the same bed with, was gay. A fag. A queer. Lance's look turned to one of betrayal as he rose out of his chair. How could this have happened? The man he lived with for the past six years was a fucking fagot. "I need time to think right now," he stated with such coldness in his eyes, he thought he saw Chris shiver.

Chris watched as tears in his eyes as Lance went to the door and opened it. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Where was the comfort? Where was the warmth and loyalness and company that had always been there before? Lance stood at the door and waited. Chris took his clue and rose off the bed, trying frantically to wipe away his tears. All he had wanted was for someone to tell him it was okay. He needed to know he wasn't alone. Lance wasn't even looking at him. The one man in the group that he trusted more than anyone couldn't even look at him. "Lance, I'm s-"

"Goodbye," Lance said and closed the door right on Chris's heels. He looked to the spot where Chris had been sitting, almost expecting it to be crawling with bugs or be stained black or something. Shit. How could this have happened? Lance shivered involuntarily. He would keep his promise and not tell the others. They could find out for themselves. He was done with Chris. Lance no longer wanted to be around Chris. Let the dirty queer be alone. Lance didn't really care right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris found himself out in the hall. It was the loneliest, coldest hotel hall he had ever stood in. He was completely cut off. No support at all from Lance. Not even a glance with those familiar green eyes. Not anything.

Chris started down the hall with his tail tucked. More tears began flowing, faster than he could wipe them away. So people really did hate gays. Fagots like himself. Even Lance. A door opened on his left but Chris kept walking to his room. He wanted to be alone. He needed to be alone. Hell, he deserved to be alone.

"Chris?"

It was Joey. 'Not now Joey, leave the fag alone,' Chris thought. He didn't look up. If he looked up, Joey would pound this out of him and he didn't want to have his heart crushed, pulverized, crucified, again today. Chris ducked in his room as Joey approached and quickly put the chain across. Chris retreated within himself once again. Only his innermost soul understood, and that place couldn't talk back, couldn't tell him everything was going to be okay. His soul was black and swimming in sludge, drowning in a sea of confusion. Confusion and hopelessness. Betrayal and loneliness. Utter sadness unlike any he had ever felt before. And Joey would NOT see him like this.

"Chris, come on, what's wrong?" Joey pleaded from the other side of the door, trying the doorknob.

"Go away Joey." Well that sounded pathetic. Pathetic voice for a pathetic human. If he still qualified as a human. Lance had asked. He ASKED. Chris couldn't help it if for once in his life he had a REAL problem. He balled his fist and pounded the corner of the wall, releasing some of his hurt and anger. Damn Lance. Damn them all. He didn't care anymore. He didn't need them.

"Chris, please."

At once, the anger seeped out, leaving Chris's hurt, crushed, heart in control. The tears returned, falling all the way to his feet. He wanted Joey. He wanted Joey's comfort. But he couldn't expose himself again. Chris knew he was a fast learner. One heart brake was enough. He wouldn't set himself up again. He wouldn't be blind-sided with hate and bigotry again. It just hurt too fucking much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joey pounded on Lance's door. If he couldn't get to the heart of the problem, he'd go for the next best thing. "Lance, open the door now!" He knew that Chris's behavior was connected with Lance, but finding out how might prove to be difficult.

The door opened and Lance stood there stone-faced, his green eyes boring into Joey's brown ones. "What?" he asked.

"What the hell just happened?" Joey asked, leaning on the doorframe.

"What do you mean?" Lance replied.

"With Chris, what did you do?" Joey hissed.

Lance shifted his weight. "He had some problems with FuMan and we were doing the math. You know how math is…hard for him."

Joey cocked his head. "No, I didn't know that."

"Of course it is." Lance leaned closer. "I think it's because of how poor he was in his childhood."

Joey furrowed his eyebrows. "What does that have anything to do with it?" he asked.

Lance decided to stop while he was ahead. "You figure it out Joey. I'm going to bed now."

"What about our plans?" Joey asked. This wasn't like Lance to just cancel. He always did everything to rest of the group did.

"I think I'll just stay in tonight, thank you anyway though," Lance replied, closing the door on Joey.

With a puzzled look, Joey headed back to Chris's room. If Chris chose not to go either, than something was definitely going on. Joey scratched himself and stopped in front of Chris's hotel room. "Chris?" he called as he knocked.

No answer.

"Chris, come on, I know you're in there. I just want to know if you're still coming with us tonight." Again, no response. "Okay…" Joey sighed. He tried the door and found it was unlocked. Giving a slight push, he found it opened part way until it pulled tight on the chain.

Joey peered inside and found Chris asleep on the bed, holding a notebook tight to his side. His face was peaceful but Joey could tell he had been crying. Joey's heart ached to help his friend with whatever this was. But Joey couldn't see himself fitting through the four-inch opening he was looking through. Nope, just wouldn't work.

Quietly, Joey shut the door and turned around in the hall. 'Well now what Fatone?' he asked himself. Suddenly, he wasn't in the mood to go out anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris had scribbled his erratic thoughts and wishes in his trusty notebook and then passed out from emotional stress. He was exhausted from his mental wrestling match. He wasn't even hungry anymore. Soon he had fallen into a deep, healing sleep that his body and mind desperately craved.

He awoke the next morning feeling somewhat better. A hot shower had seared away all the pain that was left over from the previous night. Lance had completely left his thoughts. Chris was almost ready to face the others. He still trusted Lance not to tell anyone, but he didn't know how the younger man would act towards him while the others were around. Or when they weren't around.

Chris had just hopped into his pants when there was a knock on the door. Chris looked around for any sign that he was having problems and grabbed the notebook from its place on the bed. He quickly threw it in his duffel bag and then opened the door. Joey stood on the other side with a worried look on his face.

"Hey," Joey smiled.

"Hi," Chris said. He added a forced smile. That would throw Joey off.

Joey sighed. "Chris, please talk to me, I just want to know what is happening."

Damn, it didn't work. Chris rolled his eyes. "I can't tell you Joey. If I could, I would. But I can't."

"Why not?" Joey pushed his way in the room. "I'm your best friend. You have to tell me."

"That didn't work last time." Chris said it before he realized he'd said it. Now he wanted to take it back.

"So it WAS Lance!" Joey smiled. "Chris, look, I'm not Lance. Whatever happened won't happen with us. There isn't anything you could say that would change our friendship. I thought you knew that."

These were the words he needed to hear. Words of pure kindness and loyalty. A true friendship. Chris felt his eyes water and his nose begin to sting. "Joey, please, I can't tell you yet. I don't want to ruin it again. Trust me, you'll find out."

Frustrated, Joey threw his hands up in the air. "Fine Chris. You're acting like a girl about this. You know where to find me."

Chris watched Joey leave and almost called him back. 'Don't go off mad,' Chris pleaded. 'That's all I need is another friend mad at me.' Thoughts of Lance and his few but harsh words came floating back. Suddenly he needed to write. He needed a pen. Chris searched the room until he found the familiar black ball-point pen, then he picked up his notebook and began pouring out his soul, letting the pain bleed out.

'Journal,
I think I've just made things worse. Now Joey hates me too. I guess no one has any room in their hearts for fags like me. Nobody wants a gay piece of shit as their friend. So that leaves you, my paper as the only person I can talk to and look, I can’t even talk to you. I know I have to tell the others but after what I did to Lance I'm not sure if I want to. They'll probably kick me out of the group. I don't blame them.

'All I want is for them to understand. I know I'll never be accepted and probably never be their friend again but where do I go to for support? Who will tell me that it's okay? What if it's not okay? Maybe they see me as diseased. Maybe I shouldn't be here. That would make them happy.

'This hurts so bad right now. Why do I have to be like this? I just want to be normal. I just want to be accepted.
'Chris'

Chris closed the notebook and set it down like it was a fragile piece of glass. In a way, it was. It was the only thing keeping his thoughts from the outside world. The only barrier. Just a few sheets of paper.

Chris looked at the time. "Shit!" he yelled, jumping up. He had five minutes to meet the others out back in the bus or they WOULD leave with out him. That had been made clear in their first month of fame. The late one had to ride with the band, which was only fun a couple of times.

Chris gathered everything and ran around, throwing it all in his duffel bag as quickly as possible. Once he had everything he could think of, Chris zipped the bag shut, threw it over his shoulder and was out the door.

He landed on the first floor and ran out into the lobby. As he ran past the strategically placed bodyguards, they checked their watches and shook their heads at him. Chris didn't even notice though, as he ran straight for the revolving doors.

Joey had turned and saw Chris barreling towards them, but Lance roughly shoved Joey to the bus. Chris's heart sank slightly when he saw this, put at least he wasn't late. He'd rather be uncomfortable with Lance then be stuck with Ruben, who didn't understand any of his off the wall jokes. "Wait!" he yelled, getting the other's attention.

Justin turned and stopped, ignoring Lance's insistent tugs in the opposite direction. "Hurry up!" he yelled.

Chris dove for the doors, pulling his bags through with him. Once he fell out on the street, the few girls that were waiting screamed. Lance had already pushed the others on the bus, but then he stopped and waited for Chris. "Thanks," Chris panted with a smile as he started up the stairs in front of Lance.

Lance followed Chris so closely they were almost touching. "No problem, queer," he whispered on the back of Chris's neck. Then he backed off as they walked back the hallway. When they got to where the others were sitting, Lance pushed his way around Chris and took the seat by Joey.

After the bodyguards had all gotten on the bus, it pulled out onto the road with a lurch. Bags were thrown on piles in corners and electronics were fought over. The ride to their next destination would be four hours long with out stopping.

Chris was sitting by himself, watching how Lance was ignoring him. Lance was still the only one who knew, and he supposed it was the biggest thing to be happy for. "Hey Joey, do you wanna play-"

"Joey is playing with me Chris," Lance interrupted. The cold smirk on his face made Chris turn his gaze to the floor.

Joey saw the hurt expression to mean he was upset at not getting to play with Joey. "Chris, I'll play you when we're done," he offered.

Chris glanced up at Joey. "No, it's okay," he sighed. "I'll do something else."

With a grin, Lance picked up a controller and handed it to Joey. "Come on Joey, leave him alone."

Joey nodded and began playing Nintendo with Lance. What had happened to turn Lance against Chris? Lance was never angry with anybody. Chris was never ignored by anybody. It hurt to see his two best friends acting like this, but now was not the time to confront them.

Justin was flipping through the TV channels and landed on Home and Garden Television. Some older guy was on, showing a women how to make picture frames. The man spoke exuberantly and with a lisp. Justin began laughing. "Look at this fag," he laughed. "Tell me he's not gay."

J.C. looked up from his notebook and smiled. "What a fairy," he mumbled, then began writing again.

Chris took in a shuddering breath. Had they always made fun of gay people? It didn't matter. Their words went straight to his soul and burned. This had to be his secret. If it got out that he was gay, he would quit Nsync. If they didn't kill him first. Lance was now valuable to him. Deciding the pressure on his chest might ease if he was alone, Chris got up and went to his bunk with out a word to the others. He had to be alone right now, or at least away from the others. He really wanted to write, but it was too risky writing with the others so close.

Justin looked at Joey. "What's his problem?" he asked.

Joey shrugged and went back to his game. "Are you sure nothing was wrong when you talked to him?" he asked, then looked at Lance.

"Yeah," Lance replied. "He's fine. Just ignore him."

"I think I should go talk to him," Joey started.

"No! No. Fine, I'll talk to him again," Lance said, getting up. "Just stay here." With an irritated sigh, Lance walked back the dark walkway that Chris had disappeared in. He couldn't afford to have Joey find out about Chris yet. He wasn't done getting them all on his side yet. Once he was sure of how the others would react, he would out Chris himself. They didn't need him in the group anymore. They never did. There was no room for a fag like Chris in Nsync. Lance was going to do everything in his power to make life hell for the other man.

Lance went straight to Chris's bunk and yanked the curtain back. He stood with his arms on his hips as Chris squinted up at him. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Lance demanded, but low enough so the others couldn't hear. "Don't play this little fag game with me. You leave us alone and don't even talk to me."

Chris stared up at Lance. "I didn't do anything," he said softly.

"You're making them feel sorry for your gay ass," Lance snapped. "So just knock it off. Act like a man."

Chris nodded his throat too tight to reply. He watched as Lance turned and left, then shut the curtain with a shaky hand. He couldn't leave them alone. He was looking for acceptance. He needed someone to be his friend. Surely they could understand. Couldn't they?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris woke up when something slapped him. He shrank back and looked up, into the angry green eyes that had already caused so much pain. "Come out here and eat," Lance snapped, then left.

Chris pulled himself up and rubbed his head. He must have fallen asleep in his misery. He looked at his watch as saw they still had an hour and a half to go. Another hour and a half of hell. He wasn’t hungry, but he pulled himself out of his bunk and softly walked to the table. Joey and J.C. looked up at him with smiles while Justin was busy stuffing his face and Lance just refused to look at him.

"Hey," Joey smiled, moving over closer to Lance so Chris could sit by him.

"Don't touch me," Lance grumbled, pushing Joey. "I'm not gay."'

Joey gave Lance a strange look. "I never said you were. What is your problem?"

Lance looked back up at Joey and plastered on a smile. "Nothing, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'M fine." He emphasized his last words and glanced menacingly at Chris.

Chris went to the other side of the table and sat by J.C., forcing him to slide over a little. Lance bristled but didn't say anything. J.C. looked up and smiled at Chris then went back to scribbling.

Chris smiled back at J.C. briefly and looked down. His eyes wandered over to what J.C. was writing, then slowly up J.C.'s long, muscular arm. Chris tensed subconsciously, and found his head turning slightly to study J.C. the broad shoulder, soft neck, perfect, full lips…

"Look at that homo," Lance said loudly, making Chris jump and blush.

Chris slumped and glanced up at Lance, who was holding open a magazine, though his eyes were fixed on Chris. Lance shoved the magazine in Joey's face to make his point, but the whole time his eyes never left Chris. He'd been caught. Lance had caught him checking out J.C. And now that he knew who Chris liked, Chris expected things to get worse.

Justin looked up and watched Lance for a few seconds, just enough to realize Lance was pissed at Chris. But he had better things to do. Like eat.

Chris wanted to leave, but he knew he had to eat or the others would definitely know something was up and Lance would be on his case. Again. Instead, he began picking at the bowl of chips that was on the table. Lance gave him an evil look and reached for the bag of chips, then began to eat out of that instead.

He jumped when he felt J.C.'s hand on his shoulder. J.C. pushed him gently and smiled, "I gotta take a piss."

Chris got up and let J.C. out, smiling back. When he sat down again, he refused to look at Lance. He loved the feeling of J.C.'s warm hand on his shoulder. Just that little touch seemed to relax him, knowing that someone wasn't afraid of him. A small fire began inside of him again.

Joey was lost. Completely lost. What was going on? If looks could kill, Chris would be rotting by now and Lance was the murderer. He had to do something soon. Tonight. In the hotel. 'Hold on Chris,' he wished. 'I'll help ya.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The tour manager walked on the bus, shivering slightly. "Okay guys, who's going to be sharing a room?"

"Why are we always one short?" Justin whined.

"Me and Chris will share," Joey said, jumping up.

Lance looked at them. "No, I'll share with you Joey, its okay."

Joey turned to Lance with a cut-the-crap stance. "No, I will share with Chris."

"Whatever," J.C. mumbled as he passed them. "Just get me to my room so I can sleep."

Justin grabbed his and J.C.'s bags and followed the older man. "Wait for me!" he yelled. "You still have my razor."

Lance watched them go with a fake smile. Then he turned to Joey. "After you," he grinned.

Joey picked up his bags and headed after Justin. "Come on Chris," he smiled, patting the brunette on the back as he passed.

Chris moved to pick up his bags at the same time Lance did. "Get out of my way fag," Lance muttered as he grabbed his bag. Chris wordlessly let Lance gather his things before getting his own bags. Lance then stood and waited for Chris to head out first. "I don't know why in the hell anyone would want to share a room with you, but you better not touch Joey or do any of your perverted things to him," Lance warned as Chris led the way.

"Okay," Chris whispered before he stepped off the bus. Lance was always behind him, nagging and tormenting. Chris wished to God that he'd never told him. Now he had both internal and external punishment.

Joey was waiting for Chris outside the bus. When Chris stepped onto the street, the cool night air hit him and sent chills through his body. "It's cold," he muttered to Joey without looking.

"Yeah," Joey smiled, but it went unnoticed. "You don't mind me bunking with you tonight, do you?" he asked.

"No, it's okay," Chris replied softly. He heard Lance hit the pavement behind them and started for the doors.

They had arrived at the hotel a little early and therefore missed having to deal with waiting girls. A few cars that went by began honking, and the bodyguards rushed the guys inside before there were any collisions.

"Did you guys wanna do anything tonight?" Justin asked as he headed for the elevator.

"I wanna sleep," J.C. replied.

Chris began a silent monologue within himself. All he wanted to do was take care of J.C. He would put him to bed, tuck the covers around him, and talk softly with him until the younger man drifted to sleep. Then he would sit up all night and watch the way J.C. slept, making faces in his sleep and talking softly in sleep-induced nonsense. He would-

"Chris, you want to do anything?" Joey asked.

"No, staying in sounds good."

"Okay man. We could watch a movie or something."

Justin laughed. "Yeah, the kind that's blocked unless you pay by credit card?"

Joey blushed slightly. "Well if you insist."

"Maybe Chris doesn't want to watch that kind of movie," Lance sneered.

"Lance, no one was really asking you, now were they?" Joey shot back.

Lance fell silent as J.C. shot Joey a questioning look. "Let's all get a good night's rest, okay? Sounds like we need it."

"Yeah," Lance sighed, heading down the hall to his room.

Joey glared at Lance as he went in his room and shut the door forcefully. It wasn't a slam, but enough to let the others know he was pissed. Then Joey turned to Chris. "Well come on. Let's pick a movie."

Justin and J.C.'s room was across the hall from the one that Joey and Chris were sharing. Justin was obviously following J.C., but J.C. hadn't registered it yet. He turned to face Chris and Joey. "Goodnight," he smiled, waiting for a response before he opened his door.

"Night," Joey replied, flashing a smile.

Chris looked up hopefully and caught J.C.'s warm smile. Chris couldn't help himself from smiling back as he replied, "Goodnight J.C. And Justin."

J.C. smiled at him a moment longer, then went in his room. Justin followed, walking into a closed door. The blonde beat on it and yelled, "Hey! Remember me?"

The door opened again and J.C. reappeared. "Oh yeah. Come on."

Justin walked in and shut the door after him, leaving Chris and Joey in the hall alone. Joey waved a hand in front of Chris's face, waking the oldest member from his idiotic trance. "You alive?" he joked.

Chris looked at him with lustful eyes. "I'm fine," he smiled. "Let's go."

"Okay, whatever," Joey said, rolling his eyes and rubbing a hand in Chris's hair.

The two entered the room and Chris headed straight for the bed by the door. Joey shut the door and smiled at him. "You will never get over that will you?" he asked, setting his bags down in front of the dresser.

"What?"

"You and your 'the bed closest to the door is mine' thing," Joey replied. He grabbed the remote and lay down on his back on the other bed.

"I told you I don't know why I do it," Chris replied. "It's just a safety thing. If something happens, I have to be able to get away. It's always been like that."

"Sounds psychological to me," Joey teased. He began flipping channels. So what do you want to watch?" He wasn't ready to confront the underlying issue yet. Not when Chris was acting somewhat happy and relaxed.

"I don't care. We can watch your porno if you want." Take that Lance. He still could be a man.

"Well we don't have to if you don't want to," Joey replied.

"I don't care." Chris rolled on his side away from Joey and opened his duffel bag.

"I don't care either."

"Well make up your mind."

"Um…"

"It hasn't been this hard before. If you want to watch a porno, then do it. I don't care." Chris pulled out his notebook and lay on his back again.

"Fine then."

"Fine." Chris took the cap off his pen and began writing.

'Journal,
'Do you even like that name? Well it doesn't matter anyway I suppose. I'd call you J.C., but I'd get frustrated because you don't talk back. And you're not quite as beautiful as he is anyway.

'I've got to be careful, for some reason Joey wants to sleep in the same room as me tonight. I got a warning from Lance though. I can't touch Joey or even look at him wrong. Well Lance has nothing to worry about, I love Joey like a brother but nothing more. Lance is getting worse. I have really upset him and he hates me for it. I know I go against everything he believes in and I'm sorry for it. I just had this crazy idea that it wouldn't matter to him, but I should have known that his religion comes before most everything. I should have known we weren't that close. I think I might quit. I can't keep going on these lies I feed myself that J.C. might actually like me. Lance knows now that I like him and I know there's no hope for me now. I would have never thought Lance could act this cold, but I guess I've never truly seen Lance. Everyone has a dark side. I just happened to bring Lance's out in full force. We will never be the group that we used to be. They would be better off with out me. I've squirreled away enough money to support me until I'm 90 anyway. I know how to live on just the essentials, even less than that. I'll be fine. But I'm not ready to do anything that drastic yet. I may be a queer, but I won't surrender that easily.
'Chris'

Joey watched Chris scribble words down and wondered what he was thinking that was so important he had to write them as they came. But it wasn't Joey's business, so Joey didn't ask.

Joey's eyes drifted back to the NC-17 movie playing on the screen. He didn't see the point in paying for a porno if he couldn't get into the mood anyway. The next best thing was free. Joey could live with that.

After they had sat in silence for half an hour, Chris rolled over and set his notebook down in his duffel bag. Joey couldn't see his face, but it looked like Chris was wiping tears. 'Okay,' Joey thought, 'Time for our talk.'

As Chris got up and started striping for bed, Joey turned the sound down on the TV. He left it on to give either of them something to look at when they couldn't look at each other. He cleared his throat but remain lying down. 'Don't want to give him the wrong impression, just keep it a nice, brotherly talk,' Joy told himself. He waited till Chris lay down on top of the covers, dressed in his boxers and a wife beater. Chris may be short, but he wasn't lanky like J.C. and Justin. The guy had some meat on him, and knowing that always made Joey feel better about himself. "So, Chris," he began. "You wanna tell me what's been bothering you lately?"

Chris looked at him. "Nothing's wrong," he replied.

Joey sighed. He should have known this would take all night. "Chris, come on man. I'm here for ya. Tell me what's up."

Chris bit his lip and remained silent. He would not let this happen again. He learned his lesson.

"Chris, whatever you say stays between us. You've always been able to talk to me. You've been there for me, now let me help you."

Could he trust Joey? Would Joey understand? Joey had warded off Lance earlier. Maybe…

"Chris please. I hate to see you like this man. I hate knowing there's something wrong and not being able to help you. Just let me try."

He was making it hard to resist. Joey had always been there for him before. Longer than anyone else in the group. Joey wasn't that heavy into his religion. He'd never heard Joey make fun of gays before.

"Come on," Joey pleaded, sitting up. "I can see you need someone to talk to. Just let me try to help you."

And the walls fell. Tears began slipping from Chris's eyes as he sat on his bed. It hurt so bad, and he knew Joey would also hate him, but he needed to tell someone. Things couldn't be much worse then they were now. "Joey," his voice cracked. He could see Joey through his tears and he knew Joey wanted to get closer but was afraid. Afraid of what? There was only one way to find out. "Joey, I'm…" He literally had to push the words out. "I'm gay." There. He said it. He ducked his head, giving the tears a shorter distance to fall before they hit the bed. He couldn't bear to see the hurt and anger and coldness that he knew would be in Joey's eyes.

Joey was shocked by this. His mind reeled. It wasn't what he'd expected. After watching Chris breakdown, Joey had been waiting for the words 'cancer', or 'tumor' or 'AIDS' or something. But not something as harmless as 'gay'. He smiled. He almost laughed. Joey did take in a deep breath. "You're gay?" he asked, for lack of better words.

Chris just nodded. He looked so vulnerable, sitting there silently sobbing and wiping at his eyes. He kept his head down and his knuckles were white from grabbing the fabric of his boxers. "I'll sleep on the bus," he mumbled, getting up but avoiding looking at Joey.

"Chris, wait," Joey said. Chris stopped and stood still, studying his socks. "Chris, I-" Joey didn't know what to say. Where did he start? He got up and went to Chris, who looked like he was expecting to be ripped apart. Joey grabbed his chin gently and lifted it so he could look in the eyes of this strong man. Dark, red brown eyes looked up at him with fear and a sadness so intense, Joey forgot all the comforting words he was going to say and pulled Chris into a hug. "It's okay," he said, holding Chris tight against him. He could feel Chris's heart racing and his chest heave from sobs. Sobs of relief, sobs which Joey was proud to be responsible for. "I don't hate you," Joey said. "It doesn't change my friendship with you in the least. Understand?"

Chris took a breath to reply when the door opened suddenly and Lance walked in. "Hey Joey, I need to ask you- what the hell are you doing?"

Chris pulled away from Joey and took a step back; his eyes locked onto Lance's flashing green ones. He furiously wiped at his eyes and nose, trying to erase the evidence.

"Oh, hey Lance," Joey said, turning to face Lance and simultaneously stepping on front of Chris. "What do you need?"

Lance's face remained non-expressive as he looked at Joey. "I was just going to ask you if you knew what time to be up tomorrow."

"Actually, I do," Joey replied. "Nine."

"Well okay then, I'll leave you two alone," Lance said, backing out. He looked over Joey's shoulder and gave Chris one more threatening glare before leaving, shutting the door after him.

Chris knew he was in deep shit now. Lance was going to kill him. He was going to die as soon as he and Lance were alone again. He could expect Lance to be twice as cruel now. Chris suddenly grew weak in the knees and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Sorry about that," Joey said, turning around to face Chris. When he saw the terrified, deer-in-the-headlights look that Chris wore, he sat beside him. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"It's Lance, I know that much. What happened between you Chris?"

"Nothing."

"He knows, doesn't he?"

Chris nodded.

"And he's not happy about it?"

"If you're being broad, yeah," Chris replied. Joey might be Chris's friend when they were alone, but he wouldn't still support him when they were with the other guys.

Joey thought back to all the homosexual slams that Lance had made that day. Realizing they were made with the intent to hurt made Joey's blood boil. Lance was suppose to be the one they could always go to. They never should have made him talk to Chris. But then again, they didn't know it was going to be this serious. Now Joey was left to pick up the pieces of this broken shell that was his best friend. Joey pulled Chris into another hug and was surprised when Chris practically fell into him. It was obvious Chris had needed someone to talk to, and Joey was sorry he hadn't done it sooner. "Chris, man, I love you. You're my brother and I swear I'll do all I can to get you through this. I'm just sorry you had to come this far by yourself. What Lance did was wrong. He is so wrong Chris, don't listen to him. You don't deserve to treated like that. There is nothing wrong with being gay. You are still the same Chris in my eyes. You couldn't say anything to make me angry or ashamed of you. You can talk to me anytime, okay?"

Chris nodded. He never wanted this to end. He felt warm and safe with Joey. He now had a savior. A protector. A friend.

Joey slowly pulled away and gently pushed Chris down on the bed. "You go to sleep. It'll be better in the morning. I promise." Joey walked to his own bed and lay down, then reached over and turned the lights off. He could see Chris's eyes twinkling with the reflections of the TV bouncing off his wet eyes. "Joey?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," Joey said, looking at his friend.

"Thank you for loving me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris slowly opened his eyes. He was so warm and comfortable. It was unusual to wake up feeling god like this. He scanned the room for Joey and found the younger man asleep in the bed next to his. Chris smiled to himself.

He reached down and pulled out his notebook, intent on writing about his newfound happiness. After rolling on his stomach, he placed the notebook on his pillow and grabbed the pen from the nightstand.

'Journal,
'Something amazing happened last night. I rediscovered Joey.

'For some reason, Joey HAD to share a room with me last night. I think he could tell something was bothering me. To say the least. Anyway, I ended up telling him I'm gay. But instead of telling me I'm a queer or a fag, Joey gave me support. I don't bother him at all! He doesn’t hate me or tease me. I can't believe it. I would have thought, being the lady's man that he is, that he would object to my sexuality, but he didn't. He actually hugged me. And that brings us to Lance.

'He walked in while Joey was hugging me. He threatened me before we even got off the bus not to touch Joey, then the one minute he has to walk in, he catches us. I know I'm going to get hell for it. I don’t know how I'm going to make it now. I can't let him see Joey and me together again. As much as I need Joey, I'll have to push him away. Lance might turn on Joey too, and I don’t want that. I just wish that I were accepted.
'Chris'

"Is that a diary?"

Chris slammed the notebook shut and threw it in his suitcase. "What?"

Joey smiled. "What ya writing?"

"Nothing," Chris replied, sitting up. "Designs for clothes."

Joey yawned and rolled on his back. "What time is it?"

Chris studied the alarm clock. "Ten. Why? What time do we have to be out of here?"

"Breakfast is in half an hour. Justin's room."

"Why his room?"

"He likes attention."

"Oh yeah."

Joey sat up and sat Indian style, facing Chris. "Is there anything you want to talk about? I know we were kinda cut short last night."

Chris shrugged. "No."

Joey eyed him. "Yeah, sure."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"So there is something then," Joey said.

Chris knew that telling Joey about Lance would mean even more shit from the Mississippian, so Chris refused. "No, there's not."

"You will tell me later, you know that right?" Joey asked, getting up.

Chris sighed. "Unfortunately, yes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel that hung on the outside of the door. He bent over and gently rubbed his head, trying not to mess up the miniature dreads that he had started growing again. Chris then stood up and wrapped the towel around his waist and went to the mirror.

He wiped the steam off the glass and looked at himself. He looked a lot better than he had in days. His eyes opened a little wider than they had, and they were brighter. Chris smiled at himself and was proud that he had taken a chance and told Joey. He only wished he had trusted Joey sooner. Maybe things between him and Lance wouldn't be so bad now. There was no way to tell though, and no way to fix things. Chris sighed and realized he was just going to have to accept Lance and respect his beliefs, no matter how bad they hurt.

Chris searched the sink for his glasses. He could have sworn he laid them there before he stepped into the shower. Due to his farsightedness, he usually wore them when reading, writing or shaving. Chris knew he could manage a shave without them, but now it was just the principle of the thing. They had to be here somewhere.

"Joey? Did you take my glasses? This isn't funny!"

The door opened and Chris jumped. "Joey's gone."

Chris turned, but knew who it was by the deep voice. "Lance? Hi, um, what do you want?" God, Chris hoped Lance didn't see him shaking.

Lance stepped inside the bathroom and leaned against the closed door with a smirk. "I just want to help Chris."

'It's only Lance, its only Lance,' Chris yelled at his racing heart. Involuntarily, he took a step back. "Help with what?" Wow, his voice sounded more pathetic than he anticipated.

Noticing Chris's nervousness and liking it, Lance took a step forward. "I want to help your relation with God," Lance said smoothly, taking another step towards Chris.

Chris was panicked. The person in front of him was not the Lance he loved as a brother. This was a bigot who hated homosexuals. "H-how are you going to do that?" Chris asked meekly, hitting the small of his back on the sink. Where was Joey?

"Chris, relax," Lance chuckled, grabbing a washcloth from the towel rack on the wall. "Just sit on the toilet and I'll help you." Lance placed the washcloth over his hand before pushing Chris away from the sink, then turned on the hot water.

Chris obeyed and sat on the closed toilet. The towel wrinkled in his lap and caused a slit, exposing his right thigh. "Lance, please…" he begged softly. Where was Joey?

Lance continued smiling as he placed the washcloth under the steaming water. "Chris, I can help you. I'm just going to cleanse you, you know, like a Baptism or something." Lance held the steaming, dripping washcloth between his thumb and index finger, approaching Chris.

Chris tried to shut his body down. He wanted to just go numb and not pay attention to what Lance was attempting to do. Instead, Chris watched each drip fall to the floor. It wasn't until he felt the scalding washcloth between his shoulder blade and spine that he looked into Lance's despising eyes. His own eyes filled with tears as Lance began scrubbing him hard, rubbing his back vigorously with the burning cloth. A few hot drops ran down his back, burning a trail along the way. After a few excruciating seconds, Lance pulled back, but only to return to the sink.

Lance smiled at Chris. "That's a good little faggot," he sneered, leaving the cloth under the running water for a few more seconds. "See, we'll get you all fixed up." Lance then returned to his position beside Chris and placed the 200-degree washcloth on the older man's shoulder.

Chris cringed and shrunk away from Lance. The water had gotten even hotter, and it was still running. Chris could almost feel the blisters forming. Lance began scrubbing his shoulder and base of his neck. Chris had to bite back his tears from the pain the temperature caused on his neck's delicate skin. He was left to hope that Lance would finish soon, or else lose hope in his plan. One thing was for sure; Chris did not feel any less gay.

Lance smiled with pride at the small blisters that were forming on Chris's skin. He had decided to stop after 'cleansing' Chris's other shoulder, in case that queer liked it. "I'll be damned if I let you lay a hand on Joey," he threatened as he went back to the sink for the final time. The washcloth was burning his fingers as well, but it was all for the good of the cause. "Because if I see you touching him again, so help me Chris, not only will you find yourself in this same predicament, I'll also do it to Joey."

Chris squirmed, wringing his hands tightly in the towel. But it was not enough to keep him from crying out this time when the scalding cloth touched his skin. The tears were falling now, and they were equally mixed between physical and emotional pain. Deep down, he knew he deserved it. He brought this upon himself and was foolish to hope that anyone could still like him.

"Hold still you fucking little queer," Lance growled, grasping the soft brown hair on the back of Chris's head. "Take it like a big boy. This is for your own good. I'm not a bad person." After finishing his hard scrubbing, Lance stepped back, and Chris sagged with visible relief. "See, we're done. That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Chris looked at Lance with tears in his eyes. "Will you go now?" he asked softly.

Lance smiled and stepped back to the sink, dropping the washcloth in with a plop. "Sure. My job here is done."

Chris watched Lance walk out and nearly cried with relief. He found himself alone in the bathroom and stood up, walking to the mirror to inspect the damage. The appearance of his stinging shoulders matched his imagination's picture. His chest and shoulders were bright red and spotted with dime-sized blisters. Chris touched his skin and found no relief, in fact, it felt like a really, really bad sunburn. He winced at the stinging sensation and the hotness that was radiating from his burnt skin. Wearing a shirt would be extremely uncomfortable, but he had to cover up what Lance had done to him.

With a heavy sigh, Chris went to get dressed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Stop!" the choreographer yelled once again.

Chris picked himself up off the ground and brushed off his pants. He refused to look at Lance as Joey asked if he was okay.

"Sorry," Chris said, taking position once again.

"Lance, you need to watch your big feet man," Joey smiled, patting Lance on the back. "This is what, the third time you've tripped him?"

"Yeah, stupid me," Lance smiled back, grinning at Chris as the others took their starting positions again.

The guys waited for the music to begin. Beside him, Lance crept closer to Chris and whispered, "Hey, sorry bout that. You should really watch where I'm going."

Chris merely nodded, afraid that anything he said would just provoke the blonde.

After successfully making it through most of the song, the long practice wore to an end. Chris would sneak glances at J.C. in between was worried, guilty looks to Lance. As the guys headed offstage to get cooled off, Justin ran up behind Chris.

"Hey buddy!" Justin smiled, jumping beside Chris with leverage from Chris's shoulders.

Chris smiled and turned to Justin. "What do you want, curly?" Chris knew what he wanted; to feel Justin's strong hands on his shoulder again.

"What are you going to do tonight?" Justin asked.

"I don't know," Chris started. Suddenly the heel if his shoe came off and he turned to see Lance behind him, wearing a smirk. Chris recoiled inside himself and said quietly, "I'll probably stay in."

"That's too bad," Justin replied, still hyper from their workout. He pushed Chris towards the wall, but Chris tripped over Joey and fell to the floor. Instantly, Justin was on top of him, beaming. "I thought we could all go out. Are you sure you don't wanna come?"

Chris couldn't help but smile at the familiar feeling that swept over him from their silly horseplay. Justin had always bullied him around, but Chris took comfort in knowing the younger singer meant no harm. "I don't know Justin," Chris replied. "Let me think about it. I'll get back to ya on that."

"Justin, you better get off of him before he wants to fuck you," Lance smiled coolly as he passed by.

Justin rose, more out of curiosity. "Lance, don't you know we already are?" Justin teased, now heading after the Mississippian.

"Get the hell away from me, homo," Lance snapped, pushing Justin back.

Chris watched with a heavy heart as Justin continued tormenting Lance. Then a hand appeared in front of his face. He looked up and saw the Joey's bright face staring down at him.

"Need a hand?" Joey asked.

"Yeah," Chris sighed, taking hold of the younger man's warm hand.

"Lance didn't mean what he said," Joey said softly. "He doesn't know."

Chris merely shook his head. It was still too early to tell Joey the truth. "It was my fault anyway."

The guys headed out to the cars. "You sure you don't want to do anything tonight?" Joey asked.

"Yeah, I'll just stay home," Chris replied, bringing a satisfied smile from Lance.

"Okay, well if you change your mind, you can find us," Joey said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Dear Journal,
'Today Lance went off the deep end. My coming out has affected him so terribly; I've caused him to act irrationally. He tried to 'cleanse' me this morning, and with no avail, I am now literally burnt to a crisp. Have you ever tried to dance while your whole back and shoulders are covered in blisters? It hurts. And poor Lance, I'm still gay.

'Yup, I'm still a homo, queer, fag, what have you. But being a queer has its perks. Look at J.C. for example. What a fine example. I could stare at his ass all day and still long for it. But I need to cut it out now, because I'll never get it. I will just grow to be an old, wrinkly gay fart. Yeah, that's a pretty picture, me chasing other old men around a nursing home. I don't want to be like that. Why can't I be straight? Why does God hate me?

'Well I think Joey's back, so I'm gonna go let him in. He's probably drunk off his ass. Better go before he pukes in the hallway.
'Chris'

"I'm coming!" Chris yelled, throwing his notebook in his duffel bag and stomping towards the door. "Christ Joey, lose you key card or something?" Chris opened the door with a smile that fell flat as soon as he saw who it was.

"Well hello there, fag," Lance smirked, the alcohol heavy on his breath. He pushed his way in the door and stumbled slightly, falling into Chris.

"Lance, what do you want?" Chris asked, backing up. "I didn't do anything…"

"I know you didn't," Lance said. "I'm here to tell you that it's okay now. You can have me."

A fearful look crept onto Chris face as he backed himself helplessly against a wall. "Lance, please just go. I don’t want you. I didn't do anything today…"

Lance moved close to Chris. "Hey, you want a man? I'm a real man. Wanna see if you can handle me? Come on queer, here I am. Show me what you'd do to J.C. or Joey."

Lance wasn't that much taller than Chris, but he was built more solidly. And those piercing green eyes bore a hole into Chris's soul. "Lance, no, I can't- I don't want to-"

Lance laughed to himself. "You know you want me." With that, he harshly covered Chris's mouth with his own. Chris struggled so Lance grabbed a handful of the older man's hair and closed the small distance between them. Pressing his body hard against Chris's, Lance forced his tongue inside Chris's mouth. He wanted Chris to be sorry, be afraid even, of what he was. Hopefully by forcing himself on Chris, Chris would realize that he was not okay and become straight again.

Chris felt Lance's tongue enter his mouth and sweep roughly over his teeth, entangling with his own tongue. Tears were beginning to slip down Chris's cheeks. Lance forced him to be still and with drunken hunger, ravished his body.

"You like that queer?" Lance slurred, pulling away finally. He grabbed in between Chris's legs and gave a small squeeze. "You ready to play now?"

Chris yelped softly and shrank back in horror as a reflexive erection began to form. "Lance, no, please…" Chris begged again.

Lance smiled at the tent in his friend's pants. "Well look at that," he grinned. Suddenly he grabbed the collar of Chris's shirt and pulled him to the bed.

Chris could taste the remnants of the liquor from Lance's kiss and swallowed hard. Lance shoved him to the bed and was immediately on top of him, peeling off Chris's shirt.

"I'm gonna show your little pussy ass how real men do it," Lance growled. "I'll make you think twice about being a queer. This is for your own good Chris, it's only because I care about you." Lance sat up and took off his own shirt, then quickly slipped out of his pants before settling on Chris again.

Chris squirmed underneath Lance. Desperately, he pushed on Lance's stomach with no avail. "Get off," he whispered breathlessly. The cool air in the hotel gave him small goosebumps on his chest, blending in with the blisters. But Lance simply sat with all his weight, pinning Chris to the mattress.

Lance took hold of Chris's fighting hands and pinned them to the sheets, above Chris's head. Lance looked into Chris's horrified eyes with pleasure. He was getting through to Chris. Chris was scared. Lance smiled, "I know I'm not J.C. or Joey, but I can do anything they can. Consider this a preview." Lance grinned and began undoing Chris's belt with one hand.

Tears of desperation were streaming down Chris's face. With his arms uselessly above his head and his chest heaving, exposing his ribs through the thin skin, Chris felt utterly helpless and vulnerable. He felt Lance's cold knuckles rubbing low on his stomach, pulling at the waist of his jeans. Chris closed his eyes in an effort to block everything out. He felt his jeans being pulled down the length of his leg and felt them settle around his ankles. Then the cold hand returned to the waistband of his boxers.

"Chris, man, are you sure you don't want to- what the hell?"

Lance whipped around and saw Joey standing paralyzed in the doorway. He jumped off Chris and stood next to the bed, blushing. "Joey, I, uh…"

Joey watched as Chris scrambled to the headboard, grabbing a pillow and cowering over it, holding it tight as soft cries wracked his body. Then he looked at Lance. "Lance, what were you doing to him?"

Lance hurriedly grabbed his clothes and put them on, and noticed that Joey had seen his hard on. "I'm leaving now, don't follow me." Lance brushed past Joey with a triumphant smile.

Joey locked the door after Lance then walked over to Chris. "Chris," Joey started softly as he sat down on the bed, "What happened? Are you okay?"

Chris only nodded as he continued rocking back on forth on the pillow.

Joey slowly moved closer, offering Chris an open hand. "Come here, I'm not going to hurt you. You know me."

Chris sniffed once and looked at Joey. Joey was his friend. Joey would never hurt him. Joey believed in him. Slowly, Chris left the security of the pillow and snuggled against Joey's side. The tears began flowing again when Chris tasted the alcohol on his tongue. Lance had betrayed him, violated him. Joey was the only one Chris could turn to.

Joey hugged his friend soundly. "Chris, you're okay now. Just take a deep breath bud, okay? Lance is gone, I'm here. Do you wanna talk about it?"

Chris pulled himself together and pulled away from Joey, sitting hunched over. He noticed that his jeans were still around his ankles, but he didn't care. But before Chris could say anything, Joey interrupted him.

"Chris, what is all this from?" he asked, softly running a hand over the reddened, blistered skin on Chris's back.

"Lance," Chris whispered, as it Lance himself might jump out from under the bed and finish the job. "Please don't tell, he said- he said that…"

Joey held Chris's hand. "Calm down okay? Lance won't do anything to you anymore. Now can you please explain this?"

Chris took a deep breath. "Lance did it because I'm a queer."

The sentence reverberated around the room. Joey's heart sank. How could Lance be so hateful? This was still Chris, the Chris that Lance had so many times claimed to have loved like a brother. Now the calm southerner was beating the very person who had brightened so many days for all of them. Beating, and had he not walked in when he did, possibly rape. "Chris, you are not a queer."

"Yes I am," Chris argued, his voice cracking. "I'm a queer Joey, face it. A queer, a fag, a homo, fudge-packer, what have you. There's nothing you can do to help, so just leave me alone before I fuck you."

Joey didn't know he had it in him. But this was an extraordinary case. Before he could stop himself, he punched Chris in the jaw.

Chris was now facing away from Joey, holding his throbbing jaw. What the hell was that for? He was only telling the truth.

"Chris, for God's sakes, you are not any of those things, and I don't want to hear you say them ever again!" Joey took a breath, trying to calm his hurting emotions. "Lance told you all that shit because he's afraid. He's scared of you, and he can't stand that. You have the power over him Chris; you can't take this from him! And I'll be damned if I sit by and watch him do it to you."

Chris sniffed and looked at the floor. "He told me that nobody loved me."

Once again, Joey was amazed at Lance. Didn't he realize he had such an influence on Chris? Joey sighed. "Chris, there are lots of people that love you. Your family, all your friends back home, all the fans, hell, I even love you. You're my brother, man. I don't know what I'd do without you. Justin and J.C., they love you too. You started all of this Chris. We owe you so much."

Chris wiped his nose. "He, uh, he said that he was only doing this for my own good, so God would love me again."

"Jesus," Joey muttered under his breath. He rubbed his face with the heel of his hands, then laid his arm on Chris's shoulders. "Like I told you, Lance is scared. I grew up in Brooklyn, where there are plenty of gay people. I don't have anything against them. A couple of my friends are gay. Chris, there is nothing wrong with being gay. But Lance can't see that. You know how protective his parents are. They've drilled it into his head that being gay is like a disease. That's only because that's what they've been taught. Nobody meant to aim this at you, especially Lance. He confused right now, and we're going to help him see the truth."

"How can I help?" Chris questioned, looking at Joey briefly. "I'm the one he despises now."

"I'll think of something. Have you told the others yet?"

"No."

"Now might be a good time."

Chris sighed and leaned into Joey slightly. "Why is this so hard? What if they hate me too? I don't want to ruin the group; maybe I'll just leave. That way at least you guys could continue with your fortune. Maybe it's just my time-"

Joey pushed Chris off him. "Chris, don't make me hit you again. You're not leaving the group, understand? Justin and J.C. will see you for what you are. Nothing will change."

"That's what I thought about Lance," Chris replied. "I thought I could tell him anything. And then tonight, I heard a knock and I thought it was you and I opened the door and he grabbed me… and made me…he was feeling me…" Chris ended the sentence in tears and a squeaky voice.

Joey was barley able to keep his rage in. Here was his best friend, who was almost thirty, in tears because of his younger, prejudice friend. Did Lance think that just because Chris was older he couldn't cry? Couldn't feel pain? Chris was alone for the first time and when Lance was honored enough to be the one Chris opened up to, he ruined it. Joey wouldn't blame Chris if he never trusted Lance again. Lance deserved it. He still thought of Lance as one of his closest friends, but the guy needed a serious talking to. Lance didn't realize what kind of power he had over Chris, and it was high time he learned.

Joey returned his thoughts to Chris. "It's over now, and he won't be back. Do you think you'll be okay? He didn't actually…you know, rape you, did he?"

Chris blushed and looked away. "No. You stopped him."

"Good."

"Um, Joey…" Chris stopped, blushing again. "Could you, you know, uh, like stay here tonight? With me?"

Joey smiled, only a little surprised by hearing such a request from Chris. "Sure," he smiled, patting Chris's shoulder as he stood up. "I'm going to change now."

Chris watched Joey take off his jeans. "You mean you don't have a problem changing in front of me?"

Joey gave him a smile. "Why would I? If you put a move on me, I'll beat your ass so fast…"

Chris laughed. His face almost had forgotten how to smile. He actually could be himself around Joey. Joey didn't care. Joey wasn't scared. Joey was still his friend. "Don't worry, I'm not attracted to you." He wasn't ready to tell Joey about J.C. yet. That would only bring up more problems, and right now, he just wanted to solve the ones he had.

Joey jumped into the bed beside Chris's. "What's on TV tonight?"

Chris shrugged and grabbed the remote. "You know, one good thing came out of this," he said.

"'What's that?" Joey yawned.

"At lease now I don't have to get up to get undressed. Lance did that for me." Chris smiled at Joey before getting nailed with a pillow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joey woke slowly, his thoughts still sluggish from last night's emotional strain. Today was a new day, and hopefully once the group got the chance to have a serious talk, things would turn out okay. Chris didn't deserve to be treated that way, and Lance had no right, no matter what his beliefs. Wasn't it true that God wanted all people to love one another? Joey didn't understand all of Lance's reasoning, but he didn't hate the younger man for it. At least not yet.

Joey was suddenly aware of the hot air on his neck. Once second it was hot, the next it was cold. Actually, he was a lot warmed this morning than most mornings. Curiously, he rolled over.

Beside him lay Chris, dressed only in jeans and multi-color boxers that peeked over the top of his waistband. Chris also lay shivering slightly on top of the covers, cacooning Joey by holding down the covers. His arms were folded so his hands lay on the pillow, just inches from Joey.

Joey realized the older man must have joined him late during the night and strategically placed himself so he would not be touching Joey. A pang of sympathy went through Joey as he watched Chris's chilled arms twitch. It hurt Joey to know that Chris still felt badly enough about himself to try and protect him. Sleeping in his jeans, on top of the covers, and laying balanced on the edge of the bed, Joey just wanted to give Chris a brotherly hug right there. Joey watched Chris a little longer, taking in the rare, peaceful expression on his face.

Chris soon stirred and lazily opened his eyes, slowly focusing on Joey. His eyes widened as he realized Joey was awake, and he quickly jumped off the bed. "Joey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything, I meant to be gone before you woke up-"

"Chris, relax. Calm down and take a deep breath. I know you didn't mean anything. You don't bother me; didn't we have that discussion last night? Now sit back down. You didn't do anything wrong."

Chris's face softened and he sat down beside Joey. "Okay," he said while rubbing his eyes.

"We gotta meet the guys in a little bit, do you want to tell them then?"

Chris's eyes grew dark again. "Do we have to?"

Joey shrugged. "No, but don't you want to get this out in the open? The sooner we do, the faster we can put all this behind us."

Chris thought about it, thought about how he wanted so desperately to hang out with Lance again, to be able to touch the other guys without getting accusing glares from Lance, to just be himself again. He sighed, feeling his throat tighten already. "Yeah, I guess," he said softly.

Joey's hand was on Chris's shoulder. "I'll be right beside you okay? I'll help you get through this."

"You'll identify my body after Lance gets done mangling me?"

Joey smacked Chris teasingly. "He won't touch you. I won't let him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well that's just gay," Justin huffed as he flicked the coffee machine on and off. "Why won't it work?"

J.C. rolled his eyes and crawled under the small table. "Try it now," he said.

Justin flipped the switch again. "It works! J.C., you are the electrical genius!"

"All I did was plug it in," J.C. sighed, standing up again.

There was a knock at the door and J.C. went to get it, knowing it would be Joey and Chris. Breakfast had already gotten there, and Lance arrived shortly thereafter, not looking too well. When questioned about it, he just claimed that it was a really bad hangover.

"Good morning!" Joey's cheery face beamed. "How is everyone in here?"

"Fine, I suppose," J.C. said, standing beside the door until Joey walked in and Chris slunk in after him. "Just going over the basic knowledge of electricity."

Justin glared at J.C. "How was I suppose to know it was unplugged?" he countered.

Joey laughed and sat down. He wanted to ease into this conversation. They couldn't just walk in and say, 'Hey guys, Chris is gay.' It just didn't work like that. For now, they could all enjoy breakfast.

Chris stole a glance at Lance. The younger man sat with his eyes to the floor, not looking at either Joey or Chris. Chris almost expected him to just get up and walk out any minute. Lance didn't look that good either. Whatever he had been drinking must have been pretty strong.

Joey studied both of them, judging their reactions to one another. From what he could tell, Lance was only slightly remorseful for his actions the previous night, and Chris was still scared to death of him. But they had to start talking. "So Lance," Joey started, reaching for a beagle, "You wanna go out with us tonight?"

Lance gave Joey a threatening, red-eyed glare. "Not tonight," he said roughly. Upon J.C.'s questioning glance, he added with a bright smile, "But thanks for asking."

Justin got up from the video game he was playing and walked over to the bar where the food had been laid out. "Where's the butter?" he asked, pushing in between J.C. and Joey.

J.C. shoved him away. "We don't have any," he said with a full mouth.

"What the hell," Justin gasped. "That's gay. Why don't we, the superheros of the pop culture, have any damn butter?!"

J.C. was the only one to laugh. Joey felt Chris flinch beside him, and Lance kept his head down. Joey gave a small smile for Justin's sake. He looked like his eye had just gotten burned out when no one laughed at him. Whoever decided that 'gay' should mean stupid? Was something wrong with the word 'stupid' or 'dumb'? 'I guess no one even thinks about what it really means,' Joey thought.

Justin stamped a foot and J.C. coughed to clear his throat. "Does one of you want to tell me what is going on?" he asked.

All three of them looked at the table.

"Is this about me?" Justin teased melodramatically. "Is this because of the incident involving your boxers and my hair gel?"

Joey, Lance and Chris all looked at him in curiosity.

"Uh…never mind," Justin mumbled, turning and heading back to his game.

"No Justin, come back," Joey sighed. "You and J.C. both need to hear this."

Lance looked at Joey attentively. Chris took several deep breaths to calm his racing heart.

"What is it?" J.C. asked, sensing something serious was at bay.

"Is this a mutiny?" Justin asked, sitting beside Chris.

"No, just something we, me and Chris, have to get out in the open. Now before I let him talk, I just want to tell you that I think we are all responsible here. I respect everyone's feeling and views, but I hope what we have to tell you won't change anything about our friendship. To let this affect you would be a mistake." On the last sentence, Joey glanced at Lance.

J.C. set down his doughnut and sat up a little straighter, giving Chris his full attention.

Chris turned red. He knew he was red too, he could feel his cheeks burning. Without looking at Lance, he could feel the icy green gaze upon him. J.C. looked at him with a want for understanding, and Justin alternated between eating and looking at Chris. Then Chris looked to Joey, who gave him the warmest and most encouraging of smiles. Chris took a deep breath. 'Now or never,' he told himself. It they hated him, he would quit the group. If they could accept him, he would stay and probably continue to lust secretly after J.C. With one more encouraging nod from Joey, Chris took a deep breath and began. "I…uh…" he cleared his throat, memories of Lance walking out on him replaying in his mind. "I don't blame you if you guys hate me," he started.

Joey shook his head and J.C. said, "Chris, whatever you have to say, no one is going to hate you for it."

"Okay well um," Chris closed his eyes, his throat tightening. "I'm gay."

Joey smiled and patted Chris's leg. Chris opened his eyes. J.C. looked back and forth between Joey and Chris. Justin just stared at Chris, open-mouthed. But Chris's gaze fell on Lance. The blonde just sat there, differently then last time. There was no anger in his eyes, no hatefullness. Just a disappointed acceptance.

"You're gay?" J.C. echoed.

Chris nodded, turning his head to look in J.C.'s sparkling blue eyes.

"So you're a homo?" Justin asked. Then he smiled. "I ain't got no problem with that, just don't be all hitting on me. Try to contain yourself, deal? I know I am so hot and everything…"

Chris smiled. A tear slid down his cheek and he wiped it away hurriedly. Justin didn't care. Justin still liked him. Chris felt so much better, so relieved. But there was still J.C., who sat quietly, playing with his glass.

Joey was the one to speak up. "J.C., you wanna talk?" he asked non-threateningly.

"Yeah, um, I mean, it's okay and everything, I just need a little time to get used to it, you know?" he asked, looking at Chris. "I mean, I still love you like my brother, but it's a big change."

"What changes things?" Joey asked, this time a little more protective.

"Well I mean, he's gay, and…I don't know, it's just a big change. I mean, it's not the way I was brought up. It's wrong, I think, but it's not like I hate him now or anything. Nothing could change that."

"So what does all that mean?" Joey asked.

"Are you gay too?" J.C. blurted out.

Joey eyes widened briefly. "No, what gave you that idea? Would it make a difference if I were?"

"No, I was just wondering because you two have been sharing rooms and all…"

"J.C., that is the most made up, bullshit assumption-"

"Joey, it's okay," Chris said softly. "It's better he ask then go on thinking it. I know you wouldn't ever think I was worthy anyway." Chris looked up. 'Where did that come from?' he wondered, kicking himself immediately.

"Where the hell did that come from?" Joey questioned. "That's not it at all Chris, you know that. I can't believe you. Is this because of Lance?"

"Lance, wait, where does he fit in?" Justin questioned.

Lance looked up from his shadowy corner. "Leave me alone," he warned.

"No Lance, why don't you tell them your views on this?" Joey pushed. "What did you think of Chris when he told you he was gay?"

Lance's face grew red. The others were all looking at him, expecting an answer. So he decided to give them one. "I hate him," Lance said bitterly. "I walked out when he told me. What J.C., surprised? Didn't think I could be mean? Or were you expecting me to be the gay one? That's it, isn't it? The whole time we've been together, you all thought I was the gay freak while all the time this dirty faggot was hiding it! Well I hope you're all happy now!" Lance got up and brushed past Justin on his way out.

Chris looked to Joey. "I get it," he whispered. "I thought he hated me. I had no idea there was another story behind it."

"I'll go talk to him," J.C. said, getting up. "No, let me," Joey said. "I believe you and Chris still need to talk."

J.C. sank down in his seat again. Justin got up and went back to his game. "Chris," he started.

"It's okay. I'll just quit the group. I don't want us to fight."

"No! Look, I really do still like you. Nothing has changed between our friendship. It's just that being homosexual conflicts with what I believe in. It's not personal, okay? Please understand that. It's just that I can't support you."

Chris felt as though his heart had been ripped out. If he didn't have J.C.'s support, then he was miserable. "I'm sorry," he said softly.

"Chris, don’t be sorry. It's not your fault."

Much to Chris's surprise, J.C. pulled him into a hug. Chris's body was on fire now, but he concealed. There was not a chance that J.C. would return the feelings, so Chris figured he better find someone more within his reach. "Thanks," he managed weakly after J.C. pulled away.

J.C. smiled. "So about going out tonight," he grinned. "Are you going to take us to a gay bar?"

"I thought you didn't support me," Chris asked, confused.

"Just because I don't support your sexuality doesn't mean I'm going to hold it against you," J.C. said.

Now Chris smiled. "Thanks."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joey caught up with Lance down the hall. From his direction, he was heading for the elevators. "Hey," Joey called, reaching out and grabbing Lance's arm.

"Don't touch me," Lance growled, yanking his arm away.

"Lance, listen to me. Can't we talk about this for a couple minutes? Then I'll let you go on your way."

Lance spun to face Joey. "Fine. Talk."

Joey sighed and went to reach for Lance's shoulder but caught himself. "I'm sorry you hate Chris now, but I think you're doing it for the stupidest reason. What you did to him was cruel, Lance. He trusted you. You were the person he chose to confide in and look what you have done. I wouldn't feel sorry for you if he never spoke to you again. I don't see why you're so upset anyway. None of us have ever called you gay. We were teasing Lance, and I'm sorry it came across to you that way. You should have spoke up long before this instead of taking it out on Chris." Joey stopped and took a breath, waiting for Lance's reaction.

Lance stared at him for a few seconds, trying to find the words to express his feelings. How did he begin to tell Joey that he truly was sorry for treating Chris like shit the past couple of days? It was hard for Lance to apologize for anything when he had been so sure that he was right. But now, seeing Chris's dark, sad eyes made him realize that their friendship meant more than getting even. He looked at Joey. "I'm sorry. I just didn't realize-"

"You're sorry? You tried to rape him last night and you're sorry. That ain't gonna cut it. Not with me." Joey glared at Lance. "You need to make things right with Chris, then come talk to me."

Lance nodded, knowing but dreading. Without another word to Joey, he started trudging back to Justin's hotel room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Lance opened the hotel room door, he found Justin and Chris playing a video game with J.C. attempting to write a song. Everything was like normal. Lance was a bit bewildered at how well the others had taken it. He half expected J.C. to take his side since J.C. upheld his religion as much as Lance did. Lance now realized how foolish he was, and it only spurred him on.

J.C. looked up from his keyboard. "Hey Lance."

Lance watched Chris's head jerk up and focus betrayed eyes on him. Lance closed the door behind him and took a breath. "Um, Chris, can I talk to you, for a minute, outside?"

Chris glanced at Justin, who shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

Lance offered a smile as Chris approached, but Chris's gaze only became more confused. Once they were safely and privately out in the hall, Lance began, "Look Chris, I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start with I am truly, truly sorry."

Chris looked at the floor. "It's okay."

"No, Chris…" Lance moved Chris's head so the brown eyes met his own green. "It's not okay, I was wrong in everything I said. You are not worthless, or a fag, or anything, and you most defiantly did not deserve to be treated like I did. I was so wrong Chris, and I beg your forgiveness."

"Then why did you do it?"

Lance saw Chris's eyes lighten a shade and smiled. "I don't know, it's just always been beat into my head by my parents…hell, the whole town. It wasn't a big issue, but it still was known that homosexuals were…'dirty' I guess, and that is was wrong. But that's no excuse. You're my friend, one of my best, and nothing should have affected that. I don't expect things to go back to the way they were right away, but hopefully, over time…"

Chris nodded, looking Lance in the eyes. "I forgive you," he said sincerely. "I'm not going to say that I understand, or that I don't hold some disappointment, but I just want things to be back to normal. You have no idea what it's like hiding something like that. Every gay comment or fag joke that you guys said unknowingly hurt me, even when Justin calls something gay instead of stupid. I finally just had to get it out in the open. And I'll admit, you did betray me Lance, but I believe you that you are sorry." Chris held out his hand. "Friends?"

Lance smiled and ignored Chris's hand, instead pulling him into a hug. "More than friends," he said. "We're brothers."

Finnish
Epilogue

'Dear Journal,
'Things are so much better. Unbelievably better. None of the guys make fun of homosexuality, or me and things have gone back to normal. They are the only five that know. One day, I'm going to tell my mother, but now is not the time. I'm going to need strength to do that, and right now I'm happy being the old Chris that everyone loved.

'I think I've gained confidence through all of this. I used to feel that I could tell the guys most anything, but now I can be so much more at ease. I don't have many deep dark secrets, but if and when I do get some, I'm going straight to Joey. He's given me so much. I can't ever repay the trust and hope he's replaced in me. I'm closer to him than ever, and if we ever break up, I'm moving my ass in with him. I'll follow him whereever he goes. And the scary part is, I don't think he'd mind.

'I've told the others about Lance. He was the one that urged me to tell them, he said that he couldn't bring himself to admit to all the things he'd done to me. I think the others were pissed, and Joey just watched knowingly, but we're a group again. We're brothers in the deepest sense, and I know now that nothing will ever change that. I was foolish to think that anything could.

I have just one wish left unfulfilled. I wish that all the other homosexuals could be treated with the same decency, dignity, and understanding that my friends have blessed me with. It's not fair, and definaltly not right to discriminate against them (us). So much hurt is caused by the fact that people never take the time to make their own decsions about gays. If more people thought for themselves and took a stand, maybe some of the pain would stop. We have feelings. I just wish that more people could see the pain we have to go through, everyday, just to exsist in this world. Some people won't change, and I'm trying hard to accept that. Thankfullly I have great friends who have told me that they except me. Not everyone is that lucky. Some people have no one to turn to, and that thought just breaks my heart. We live in the year 2001. You'd think that after two thousand and one years of living on the same planet with homosexuals, we could be a little more understanding. There's nothing to fear, nothing to hate. Just a person, who like every other person on the face of this earth only wants one thing, to be loved.
'Chris'

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