Justin Timberlake recently announced his divorce to wife of ten years, Britney Spears. Timberlake and the former Queen of Pop got married in the summer of '05. In that year, the suicide rate of young teenage girls quadrupled and teenage boys continued to masturbate to Spears' 99 Rollingstone cover. Justin and Britney wed after the breakup of Timberlake's music group 'N Sync. Spears and Timberlake were together on and off in the five years of 'N Sync's very successful career (their downfall due in part by their '04 rap album "White Boys Can Rap").
Spears is reported to have custody of their two kids, their son Eminem (named after the late rapper turned minister and speaker for racial equality) and daughter Silicone (named after Britney's breasts). It is rumored that Britney, in hopes of rekindling an old flame, called King William of England. Queen Elizabeth (she just won't die), however, responded to Britney's message by saying, "leave my grandson alone you fat cow!"
Justin Timberlake (who single-handedly revived the "afro" in the early years of the century) is reported to have tried contacting his ex-"band" mates in order to stage an 'NSync reunion. JC Chasez, the other lead singer, was glad to hear about the reunion. His happy marriage to Jenny Chasez (26) proved that boyband members can marry their twelve year old fans. Chasez, however, tasted failure when he recently tried to reunite his former Mickey Mouse Club pals and launch "MMC:The Next Generation". The one hour drama, which featured stars such as Keri Russell and..uh..other well known ex-MMC members,lasted only half a season before it was dropped by FOX.
It was difficult for Timberlake to get into contact with Joey Fatone, another member of 'N Sync. Fatone is in court once again on his 38th child paternity suit. It seems that this ex superman's "super sperm" has gotten him into trouble over the years. The media has torn Fatone apart due to the fact that none of these girls who claim that Fatone is the father of their kid is over the age of 17. We caught up with Fatone at Universal Studios where he is once again playing Beetlejuice. Here's what he had to say. "I never touched her...or her little sister!"
Chris Kirkpatrick, the "crazy" one, also believed in a reunion and wanted one many years ago after his failed marriage to former songstress Christina Aguilera. Aguilera, who was rumored to have broken up Carson Daly (ex-TRL host and president of MTV) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (actress in the Emmy Award winning "I Still Know What You Did 10 summers ago"), retired two years after her debut due to her "peroxide balding". Kirkpatrick's two-year marriage to Aguilera ended in a messy divorce after it was revealed that the only reason she married him was because Britney married an 'N Syncer and she wanted one too. Though Kirkpatrick wanted a reunion, he may not be able to join his former bandmates because he now suffers from Alzheimer's.
Lance proved to be very successful after the breakup of 'N Sync. He started his own business, Lancelot Entertainment, and manages the careers of several young acts such as boygroup 4our, The Backstreet Kids, and Jamie Lynn Spears (singer of "Baby One More Time...Again"). His marriage to Howie Dorough of the defunct group, the Backstreet Boys, has been very successful despite the media's criticism. As for the rest of Howie's bandmates, Hurricane Oprah killed them a week after the releaseof their third album ironically titled "Never Gonna Quit". Lance has not commented on the "reunion", but Howie says, "I think it'th a thuper idea and if the Backthreet Boyth were thtill alive I would jump at the chanth."
Timberlake is still hopeful that there will be an 'N Sync reunion and they can once again rule the pop charts. He hopes to call the new album "Still No Strings Attatched", In the meantime, thanks to the perfection of human cloning, Justin's 18-year-old duplicate has recently posed for Playgirl. Pick up your copy today.
In related news, Lou Pearlman, former 'N Sync Manager, died today, a week after the release of his new group First Avenue Guys (FAG). He was hit by a bus. The driver and all the passengers died on impact with Lou. Pearlman survived, however, but suffered a heart attack while chasing an ice cream truck a minute later.
