It had been six weeks since Felicity had left the tour. She was happy that she had some time apart from AJ so that she could think. The week on tour with him had been harder on her than she let on. Coming home she had that same sinking feeling she experienced when Brian first left her. After being without it for four years, Felicity reached into her medicine cabinet for her Prozac. Just being around him was killing her inside. It made her realize that she was not fully over what happened and she wasn’t intending on hanging around to see if she could. Felicity loves AJ, but it’s so hard to love him when her past love is practically a brother to him. It would never of worked out anyway; this would of gotten in the way no matter what. So, she decided that it was time to break it off with him before it got any deeper.
AJ had gotten home the night before and he called Felicity asking her to come over and celebrate his “homecoming.” She laughed and agreed, thinking that it would give her a chance to break it off with him. Now, she sat in her car staring at his front door for the last 30 minutes. All day she had practiced what she was going to say to him, all she has to do now is get the courage to say it. His front door opened and AJ immediately spotted her in the car. He dropped the bag of garbage in his hands and ran over to her. Felicity let out a breath and got out of the car.
“Hey beautiful,” AJ whispered once he reached her and wrapped his arms around her body.
“Hi,” Felicity replied before their lips touched. She almost immediately broke away from him knowing that the longer she kissed him the harder it would be to do this. AJ gave her a confused look but didn’t say anything.
“I missed you so much,” he said with a smile.
“I missed you too,” she whispered looking down. AJ could tell there was something wrong with her so he decided to forget the hello’s and get inside.
“I’m going to go take out the trash, I’ll meet you in the living room,” he said before giving her another quick kiss and running to the trash and running back to the trash can. When AJ got inside, he saw Felicity standing by the fireplace looking at the pictures that sat on top of his mantle. He put all of his favorite pictures there. Just before he left on tour he placed one of him and Felicity on top. The two were looking deep into each other’s eyes at the time while AJ was running his fingers through her hair. His mom had taken the picture without them knowing until the flash went off. He liked the way they looked together in the picture. Anyone who wasn’t blind could see the love between the two in the picture.
“I really love that picture of us,” AJ said walking up behind her and placing a hand on her waist. Felicity just nodded her head in response and continued to stare ahead of her. AJ did not like the way she was acting at all, it made him extremely uncomfortable. “Ok, what’s wrong?”
Felicity sighed and looked down. “Alex, we need to talk,” she said softly as she began to move to the couch. AJ watched as she sat down but was afraid to move, not liking what he thought was going to come next.
“What is this about?” he said with a strain in his voice.
Felicity let out a long breath and looked down at the ground. “I think we need to see other people,” she said so quietly that AJ could almost not hear her, but he did. He shook his head and sat down next to her.
“No,” he said simply as he grabbed for her hand.
Felicity looked up at him with wide eyes. She knew this was going to be hard, but she never expected him to resist like this. “No?” she asked amazed.
“I love you Felicity and my answer is no,” he said sternly.
“Alex, I’m serious. I really think we should start seeing other people,” Felicity said frustrated and stood up, moving towards the window. AJ stared at her and confused as to what was going on. He thought everything was going great. The last time he talked to her, she seemed pleased to hear from him and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. In fact, he was hoping that tonight he could of furthered their relationship. But instead she was ending it? Now he was confused.
“Why?” he asked in almost a whisper.
“I just… I just can’t do it anymore,” she replied wrapping her arms around herself. AJ walked behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“I thought you loved me?” he asked confused.
“I do,” she whispered as she closed her eyes, taking in the feeling of his arms. She could feel herself start to melt, but she couldn’t let herself give in. She needed to do this; she HAD to do this for her own sanity.
“Please tell what’s wrong then. What did I do wrong?” he pleaded with her.
Felicity turned around and looked into his eyes. “You did nothing wrong. You have been nothing but sweet and great to me. It’s not you at all… it’s me,” Felicity said looking down.
“Oh come on,” AJ said rolling his eyes and separating from her. “That is so cliché, please tell me the real reason. Is there someone else?”
“No,” Felicity said quickly and then thought about it again. “Well… I guess you could kind of say that,” she went on looking down, suddenly ashamed of what she was doing.
“You mean you’re seeing someone else?” he asked confused.
“No, in fact I never want to see him again,” Felicity said bitterly.
“Ok, now you’ve got me confused.”
“Look, it’s a long story and I really don’t want to get into it. Let’s just break this off and move on,” Felicity said grabbing her purse and heading towards the door.
“No,” AJ said grabbing her wrist, “I think the least you can do is give me an explanation.”
“I can’t do that. It would only hurt you more.”
“Where you with someone else?” AJ asked a little hurt.
“No, I would never do that to you,” Felicity said and he released his grip on her.
“Then what is it, tell me please,” AJ begged as he looked into her eyes.
“Alex, I can’t….”
“Please, just tell me and I’ll let you go.”
Felicity took a deep breath and looked into AJ’s eyes. This was not going at all the way she planned. She wanted to make her peace and leave before he even got the chance to make her change her mind. However, he did make a point in saying that she needed to explain to him exactly why she was breaking up with him. But there was a major conflict of interest in that. If he found out about her and Brian… well, she didn’t think it would turn out well. But he needed to know. He deserved to know.
“You sure,” she whispered.
“Positive. Please tell me,” AJ pleaded.
“Let’s sit down.”
The two of them sat down on the couch and AJ once again grabbed her hands in his. He had to figure out what was going on, what she said was not making sense.
“Before I start I just want you to promise me that you won’t get all mad at the other party involved,” Felicity began. “I don’t want to cause any kind of weirdness between you two.”
“Ok…” AJ said slowly extremely confused by now.
“You know how I told you about my boyfriend I went out with back in high school?”
“The one that was a complete asshole and left you right?”
“Yeah, him,” Felicity paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “It was… he was… Brian.”
They were both quite for a moment while AJ let the news sink in. He knew there was something up with her and Brian, but he never could put his finger on it. Whenever he was around, Felicity always seemed to become quite and a little distant. AJ wondered how he had never put two and two together. It all made perfect sense now. But what he couldn’t understand was why they had to break up over this. So her and Brian had a past, what did that have to do with their relationship?
“Ok, so you and Brian dated for a while,” AJ said breaking the silence.
“Yeah, but like I told you before it was a lot more that dating,” Felicity explained. “We were in love, well I thought we were. We had planned on getting married and raising a family together. Then he left me without even a goodbye. It hurt me more than anything.”
“Ok, but what does that do with us?” AJ asked. “I mean, if you loved me enough I think that being around him would not be a problem.”
“It’s so much more complicated than that Alex,” Felicity whispered her mind going back in time.
“Then tell me,” AJ said as he moved her face so that she had to look into his eyes.
Felicity took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I thought everything was perfect ya know. I was leaving that summer for Paris to attend an art school, but I was only staying for a year because I wanted to be back to be with Brian. We had made a pact that no matter where our life would take us we would still be together. I loved him so much and I really thought we’d be together forever. Then one day we were at school and a friend said he was called out of class and went home.”
“The call for Backstreet right?” AJ asked.
“Yeah,” Felicity said nodding her head. “I was little worried but not too much because I knew if something was wrong he would of got me out of class. So that night I waited for him to call me and he never did. He didn’t the next night or the night after that. After about a week I got worried so I called him house to see what was going on. Harold told me that he had left at Florida to be in some group and was surprised that he didn’t call me. He said that Brian was probably really busy and he would call me when he got the chance. I felt a little dejected. So I waited and waited for him to call and every day I waited the more depressed I got. I mean just try to imagine that the supposed love of your life leaves you with no goodbye or anything.”
“I get that, but I still don’t understand,” AJ interrupted.
“Well there’s more,” Felicity went on. “As time went on I started to exclude myself from all my friends. Everyone was talking about it. ‘Brian left school to go become a star, how cool!’ Everyone kept on asking me how he was and what he was up to but I never could answer them. Whenever anyone would mention his name I would start crying. I had never cried so hard in my life. I quit my job and my grades went down. I still did my art, but my normal bright and happy paintings turned dark and depressing. My mom was worried about me and so were some of my friends, but I didn’t care. I felt like none of them could understand what I was feeling. Two months to the day he left I hit rock bottom. They had called me into the principal’s office and told me I wasn’t graduating. That night I went home and locked myself in my room. I was so hurt and messed up. I didn’t know what I was living for anymore. So that night I…. God this is so hard to say…”
“It’s ok baby, just take your time,” AJ said stroking her hand. He could tell that this was really upsetting to her. Her hands were shaking and she was staring off into space. He had never seen her like this, it scared him.
“I had thrown a picture frame that held a picture of the two of us across the room. It had shattered and I remember looking at it just staring at the glass. I was crying so hard. I don’t remember what happened after that.” Felicity paused and let out a deep breath. “The next thing I knew I was in a hospital. Not long after I woke up the doctor came in and explained everything. I had… I had tried to kill myself.”
AJ looked at her with wide eyes, he couldn’t believe what she was saying. His stable Felicity tried to kill herself, it didn’t make sense. She never looked or acted like the type that would try to commit suicide. Now he could understand why she didn’t want to be around Brian. However, he wasn’t going to let that asshole break up their relationship. Brian… God Brian… he never thought Brian could be so cruel. His anger towards him flared by the minute, but he pushed it aside knowing that he had to concentrate on the task at hand. He had to make sure that Felicity wasn’t leaving him.
“It took me a few years, but I was ok. A couple years ago I stopped taking my Prozac because I felt that I didn’t need it anymore,” Felicity paused and watched as AJ played with the ring that are on her hands. “I met you and everything was more than fine. Before you I wasn’t able to let myself open up to another man and love. You changed me. But then fate had to turn its ugly head on me. I though that I would be ok if I ever saw him again, but I’m not. I started taking my Prozac again and I have had hardly any sleep. My therapist says that I should just let it all out and let some tears fall, but I haven’t cried since the night I tried to end it all.”
They were both quite for a while as AJ continued to play with her hands. He slowly brought them up to his lips and kissed them gently. “Look at me Felicity,” AJ said using his one hand to move her face to look at his. “I love you. I love you more than anything and I’m not about to let you slip through my fingers like this.”
“Alex I…” Felicity started but AJ quickly stopped her.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want to be with me. Tell me that you don’t love me anymore. You tell me that and I’ll walk away and never look back,” AJ said looking deep into her eyes.
Felicity could feel herself breaking down as she looked into his eyes. She loved him, she really did. She didn’t want to be without him. When she was with him she felt more loved, safe, and comfortable than she had ever felt in her life. It was then she realized that she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him that she didn’t love him because she knew it would be a lie. She couldn’t leave him because she knew she would regret it very soon.
“I love you,” Felicity whispered squeezing AJ’s hand. AJ’s face lit up and he leaned closer to her so that their lips were almost touching.
“Really?” he whispered running a hand through her hair.
“I can’t live without you AJ, being here with you makes me realize it. If I broke up with you now, I would regret it for the rest of my life,” Felicity whispered just before AJ’s lips came crashing down on hers. His arms wrapped around her and he pulled her body closer to his. Her arms wrapped around his neck as their kiss grew more passionate.
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Felicity said pulling away from their kiss.
“Well, I’m glad you told me what was going on at any rate. I needed to know what you were feeling,” AJ replied and kissed her once again. “I don’t know what I’d do without you either. I’ve never been in love before.”
Felicity smiled and leaned in to kiss him again. Their kiss turned fierce and the two soon were heading upstairs. About an hour later the couple laid in AJ’s bed exhausted, but not yet ready to fall asleep. AJ had his arms wrapped around Felicity’s body and she rested her head against her chest with a smile on her face. A small kiss was placed on Felicity’s forehead and she placed one return on his chest.
“Move in with me,” AJ said suddenly.
“Excuse me!” Felicity exclaimed looking up at him with wide eyes.
“I’m tired of you or me having to drive four hours just to be with each other. I think if we lived together it would be much easier. You can even have the pool house in back for your studio,” AJ explained.
Felicity kissed him and smiled. “Ok”
Chapter 12
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