I let myself into the apartment I shared with my best friend and dumped the bags I was carrying on the floor. I had just gotten home from my job where I worked at a grocery store. It was a nice job to have while I made my way through college. It was dark so I flipped on the light. To my great shock everything was clean in the small living room. Kyung must have cleaned it before going to class because when I left this morning it was a pit. I went straight to my computer and turned it on. I’d let it boot up while I put my groceries away and made some popcorn. I was anxious to check my e-mail and see who was on aol instant messenger.
A few months back I met Nick Carter online and since then we had become good friends. We usually talked several times a week depending on what was going on in our lives. We talked easily about pretty much anything and had confided in each other about a lot of things. He had e-mailed me this morning and said their tour bus would be passing through Oklahoma City which was very close to the little town I went to college in. When I wrote him back I had told Nick I would be on at about 5:00pm. It was now ten minutes after. I grabbed my popcorn and parmesan in the refrigerator. Then I proceed to dump a small mountain of parmesan all over it. Nick was one of the few I knew that also ate his popcorn the same way. Recently we had gotten Chrissy on that too. I met her online inadvertently through Nick about a month after I met him. We talked everyday and had also become very good friends.
My computer was finally done booting up so I connected it to the internet. I went to instant messenger first and paused a minute before selecting one of my screen names. I had too many to choose from. Finally I chose one of my newer ones: Sooner Girl. That is what a person was called that went to my college. A Sooner. I signed on and a moment later my buddy list popped up.
Nick was on, among a few other people. I was disappointed to see that Chrissy wasn’t on. She usually was at this time. Neither was my other friend Heidi, but I knew she had a class right now. I thought Krisha might be on, but I knew that she would be on that night. That is usually when we talked. I imed Nick and went to check my e-mail while I waited for him to reply.
Tidal Wave: Hi.
Sooner Girl: Hey, new name?
Tidal Wave: Yeah.
Sooner Girl: What’s up? Are you in OKC?
Tidal Wave: I guess so. I don’t know.
A little warning light went off in my head. There was something wrong. He was acting weird.
Sooner Girl: Is everything okay?
Tidal Wave: No.
Sooner Girl: What’s going on?
Tidal Wave: Don’t worry about it.
Sooner Girl: You know I do. What’s wrong? Where are you? On the bus?
Tidal Wave: Yes I am on the bus.
Sooner Girl: Are you by yourself?
Tidal Wave: Enough with the questions!
My eyes widened. Something was definitely wrong. I wasn’t trying to pry, but I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I knew he didn’t like 20 questions so I shouldn’t have gone there. He was worrying me.
Sooner Girl: I’m sorry. You don’t have to snap at me. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. You know I’m always here.
He didn’t reply for a minute and I sat there anxiously. Just when I was about to ask him if he was there, he said something.
Tidal Wave: I can’t take this anymore.
My heart skipped a beat. What did he mean?
Sooner Girl: Nick?
Tidal Wave: I don’t want to live anymore.
“Oh my god!” I exclaimed. This wasn’t happening.
Sooner Girl: Please don’t say that.
Tidal Wave: It’s true.
Sooner Girl: You’re scaring me!!
Tidal Wave: I am holding a handful of pills.
Sooner Girl: Please don’t! Nick, don’t do this! Please!
Tidal Wave: I’m sorry. Trust me, it will be better this way.
My anger flared. How dare he?! Did he have any idea what he just said? How did this happen? I just talked to him yesterday and everything was okay. What brought this on all of a sudden? What happened?
Sooner Girl: Bullshit Nick! How would it be better to kill yourself? Do you know what that is going to do to everyone?! Please get Brian.
Tidal Wave: It’s too late, Lizz. This needs to end. If I am gone, then I can’t hurt anyone anymore.
My eyes filled with tears. I had to stop this. I never felt so helpless in my life. If I couldn’t stop him then I would blame myself for the rest of my life. Didn’t he realize how much he has to live for? How much of an impact he has made on so many people’s lives? How many people look up to him and cherish him? How couldn’t he know? In the short time that I knew him he had already touched my heart and become a close friend. I couldn’t lose that.
Sooner girl: You are going to hurt people by leaving. Do you know what is going to happen if you are gone?
Tidal Wave: It will be better for everyone else.
Sooner Girl: NO!! How can you say that Nick? Don’t you realize how special you are?
Tidal Wave: No. Sure, people will be upset for a little while, but they will get over it.
My mind was racing. I couldn’t type as fast as the thoughts were flowing through my head. I knew I was in a race against time. At any moment he could swallow those pills and then it would be all over. I wanted to type “BRIAN” in big bold letters as if to scream his name. It wouldn’t do any good and the thought was irrational. It wasn’t like we were on the phone and I could scream loud enough to where Brian could here me halfway on the other side of the bus. The helpless feeling was killing me. There was nothing I could do except keep talking to him and try to talk him out of taking the pills.
Sooner Girl: No, they won’t. You don’t get over something like that. It stays with you for the rest of your life. Trust me.
Tidal Wave: I’m sorry. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to cause anyone anymore pain.
All of the sudden a screen flashed stating he was signed off.
“Oh my god, oh my god. Nick...” I moaned. My breath caught in my throat and I was unable to move. He was gone. I sat there frozen to the spot when another screen flashed back on.
Tidal Wave: I’m leaving now.
I thought he had gone just then and it scared me to death. I was all shook up now.
Sooner Girl: Nick you can’t. Please, for the love of God, don’t do this. Please!!I'm beggingyou!!!!
I was losing and I knew it. Panic was threatening to take ahold of me. I couldn’t do anything. He didn’t respond. I frantically typed whatever came to mind.
Sooner Girl: Your parents, Nick. Don’t make them go through that.
Tidal Wave: No more struggling with their messed up kid.
Sooner Girl: What about Brian? What will he do without his best friend? His little brother? It would tear him apart.
Tidal Wave: Have some peace at last.
Now it began to sink in. It didn’t matter what I said. He was in a state of mind that wouldn’t listen to reason. It was like throwing myself against a brick wall that absolutely wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t reach where he was right now.
Sooner Girl: Nick don’t do this to me. I really can’t take losing another friend. I have lost too many. Don’t make me lose another. I can’t do it.
Tidal Wave: Yes you can. Lizz, you are strong.
I choked back a sob.
Sooner Girl: No! A person can only take so much before they can’t handle it anymore. You can only lose so many people that are dear to your heart before it consumes you.
Tidal Wave: I’m sorry Lizz. I’m so sorry I hurt you and everyone else. Please forgive me for that. Good luck with everything. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.
Something deep inside me snapped. All rational thought was suddenly gone from my mind. The tears were flowing freely now and the only thing that I could focus on now was stopping this. No matter the cost.
I reached my hand slowly across my desk to the small brown bottle that was barely within reach. It was called Albuterol and it was used in aerosol treatments for opening up the lungs. Only a tiny bit at a time was used. High doses were lethal. My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding as I numbly began typing to Nick.
Sooner Girl: You go, I go.
A pause...
Tidal Wave: What?!
Sooner Girl: You go, I go.
Tidal Wave: What the hell does that mean?
I was numb still. I almost felt like I was in shock. I was no longer in control of the words that found themselves on the screen. My words.
Sooner Girl: I am holding a bottle of Albuterol, Nick. If you swallow the pills, I will drink the bottle. All of it. You know what it would do to me. My heart would beat over 200 times a minute and then stop.
Tidal Wave: LIZZ NO!!!
Sooner Girl: I will Nick.
Tidal Wave: No you won’t! I need to do this. You aren’t going to.
Sooner Girl: Damnit Nick!! Are you listening to me?! If you swallow those pills, I will drink this bottle.
Tidal Wave: You won’t. Please. Live for me.
There was a pause. It felt like years passed, but in reality it was only a few seconds. I couldn’t move. Part of me was going insane inside. Another part of me was dead calm. It was an eeire feeling.
Tidal Wave: I took them. I’m sorry.
I began to shake again. I unscrewed the lid and set it down on the table. My thoughts weren’t rational anymore. I lifted the tiny brown bottle and drank the contents down. The bottle fell from my hands and surprisingly broke on the floor. I barely noticed.
Sooner Girl: You went, I went.
Tidal Wave: No...you didn’t. god, please say you didn’t.
Sooner Girl: I’m sorry Nick.
Tidal Wave: oh god Lizz. no! you can’t. I’ll throw the pills up. please don’t do it!!!!!!
I started shaking again although now the cause was different. My heart beat grew rapid. I reached for the keyboard and had a hard time hitting the right keys.
Sooner Girl: Uit’s too larte Nick. I alreatdy drankl it.
Tidal Wave: I’m calling Brian!!! He's just a few feet away from me.
I started to get dizzy. Everything seemed to be moving, but I knew it wasn’t. I was shaking so bad I could barely type. I knew I didn’t have much time.
Tidal Wave: Lizz, this is Brian. You swallowed a bottle of Albuterol?
Sooner Girl: Yes. Hda to dstop Nick.
Tidal Wave: Lizz, you need to call 911. Can you do that for me?
I was starting to have a hard time staying conscious. My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. It started to hurt and I whimpered.
Sooner Girl: Can’t get tot he phone. Cant move. Nick.
Tidal Wave: He is going to be fine. He threw them up. Lizz, I am going to call 911 for you. What is your address?
I concentrated really hard and finally started typing what I hoped was my address.
Pause.
Tidal Wave: Okay, I called them. Stay with me okay? Lizz, stay with me.
The beating of my heart grew faster and harder. Everything was spinning at an unbelievable rate. I was going to die. It was a miracle that I stayed typing.
Sooner Girl: I’m so sorrty. Please fogrive me/ Ididt want to huet anyoen.
Tidal Wave: You saved his life. We’ll talk about that later. Right now you need to stay awake until the paramedics get there. Okay?! STAY WITH ME!
The bold letters got my attention and I fought the sleepiness that was threatening to overcome me. I was shaking and I had broken out into a sweat. My heart pounded and the pain was becoming unbearable. My breathing was in short gasps. I typed very slowly to make sure it was right.
Sooner Girl: Tell all those dear to my heart that I love them. And I love you guys too. Don’t let Nicky die. I’m sorry I let you down. I did what I had to do. I have been living on grace and it is time. I’m sorry.
My vision disappeared and I wasn’t aware of anything around me. My heart sounded like it was beating in my ears. It was too fast. It hurt too bad. Yet, somewhere, in the depths of my soul I knew that Nick was going to be okay. That was my last thought before everything went black. Unbeknownst to me, the screen kept flashing with frantic messages.
Tidal Wave: Lizz, you didn’t let anyone down. Don’t talk like that. You will be fine. Nick will be fine. You saved him. Help is on the way. Just stay with me until then.
Tidal Wave: Lizz? Come on. Say something. Hit some keys so I know you are still with us.
Tidal Wave: Lizz?!!
Tidal Wave: Come on Lizz!!! Lizz!!!
Tidal Wave: LIZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Lizz? Can you hear me?” I heard a voice somewhere off in the distance. I didn’t recognize it.
I moaned again, a little louder this time. Something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel good. Well, that was an understatement. My whole body hurt and I couldn’t think right. Everything seemed too hazy, like I was in a fog.
“Lizz, can you open your eyes for me? Lizz?” The unfamiliar voice grew even futher away. The blackness that had previously taken me away, came back.
I don’t know how long I faded in and out of consciousness like that. When I finally woke up all the way, the first sensation that came to me was the noise. It was a steady beep. The second sensation that hit me was the pain. It was the same pain that I felt when I barely woke up the first time. I decided to try and open my eyes again.
“Lizz!” Came a hushed voice. Kyung was sitting in a chair beside my bed. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she was smiling now.
“Wha’ ‘appen?” I whispered. I was shocked at how weak my voice sounded.
“You don’t remember?” Kyung asked quietly.
I tried to shake my head, but that hurt something fierce so I mouthed “no,” instead.
“Lizz, you are in the hospital. In ICU. You swallowed a bottle of Albuterol.” She told me, her voice shaking.
My head swam. I did what?! I swallowed a bottle...Oh my god!Everything hit all at once. The conversation with Nick, the pills, the helpless feeling, picking up the bottle of Albuterol, trying to type my good-byes. “Nick!” I tried to cry out.
She ignored what I had said. “Lizz, why would you do that? Why did you try to kill yourself?” She was trying to hold back tears.
I weakly gestured for her to come closer. “I had to stop Nick. He was going to kill himself and I couldn’t seem to get through to him. Out of sheer desperation I told him I would drink the Albuterol if he took the pills. I guess he didn’t believe me or he didn’t care. I don’t know. But I drank it. I don’t know why. I don’t remember much of anything after that, except saying good-bye.” It was hard to get all that out considering my weakened state, but I was determined.
Kyung just stared at me. Finally the tears that she was holding back came spilling down her cheeks. “Lizz, I can’t believe you did that. How could I have lived without my best friend. Lizz, I almost lost you. You almost died.”
I started crying too. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I just had to do something. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
She put her arms around me and hugged me. “Please don’t ever do something like that again. I couldn’t handle it if I lost you.”
We stayed like that for a few minutes. Finally we broke apart and she sat back down.
“K, I feel like a truck ran over me. Why do I hurt so much? What happened? How did they find me?” I groaned as the pain seemed to wash over me in waves.
“I don’t know how they found you. Did you call 911?” She asked.
“I don’t think so. I don’t remember. The only thing I remember after drinking the stuff, was typing out my good-byes. I don’t know why I remember that.” I explained.
“I was on duty when they brought you in. You had just started breathing again, but you stopped as soon as they brought you in. They wouldn’t let me work on you, for obvious reasons. They gave you epinephrine to get your heart going again in the ambulance. They also had to intubate you.” She told me. She was an intern here in the hospital. She mostly worked in cardiac cases.
My eyes widened. “Shouldn’t I be on a ventilator or something?” For some reason it seemed weird that I wasn’t.
Her eyebrows furrowed. “That is the weird thing. By some miracle of God, once they got you breathing again your heart was strong enough to keep your lungs functioning so that you didn’t need to be put on one. I don’t think I have heard of that happening before. You baffled everyone.”
That shocked me to say the least. “So I’m going to be okay? Then why do I hurt so much. Every part of me hurts.”
“Lizz, first you took a drug that sped up your heart beat to an unbelievable rate. Then your heart stopped and therefore no blood was being pumped through you. When they shot you full of epinephrine everything started functioning in overdrive again. It is a miracle that you are still alive.” Kyung told me as she shook her head. The look on her face was one of sheer wonderment.
“Whoa...” I thought a minute. “Kyung, I need you to help me. Will you send an e-mail to Nick? I have to tell him that I am going to be okay.”
“Wait, didn’t you say that he swallowed a handful of pills?” Kyung asked.
“Yeah, but...” I tried to remember the conversation. I remembered something else. “Brian got on. He said Nick threw them back up. That means he would be okay.”
Kyung shook her head. “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. If he didn’t get them all up he could be in trouble.”
I frowned. I knew that he had done this before, but she didn’t know that. I chose my words carefully. “But not everyone ends up this bad if they did this. He’s probably okay right?” I searched her face for a reassurance.
“Lizz, a lot of it depends on what he took. And how big of a handful. Some meds would kill him if he took 5 and some wouldn’t if he took 10. It depends.”
“But Brian said he was okay.” I argued. “Besides they would try to avoid the hospital at all costs. You know, the media an stuff.”
“Yeah, but if it were really serious, then they wouldn’t have a choice. What might have happened after that? He could be fine and then suddenly pass out. Or he could get really sleepy and then not wake up. Or when what he took started to get into his system it could have a bad reaction. Do you know what he took? Is he on any other meds that it could react with?” She gazed at me intently.
I paused. “I don’t know...” I said finally. “Damn.” I swore. “Something can’thappen. He hasto be okay.” I said in frustration.
“Well what about you?!” Kyung cried. “You need to worry about yourself and getting yourself better.”
I sighed. “I know, I know. Will you check and sure he isn’t here?” I whispered. The pain was starting to get worse. It was centered around my stomach area. It coursed through my back and whole midsection.
“Why would he be here?!” Questioned Kyung. “I thought he lived in Florida.”
“They’re on tour right now. Right when I was talking to him he should have been passing through Oklahoma City. He was so close to us. That’s what kills me. He was so close, yet, I still couldn’t do anything.” A lump formed in my throat. “Even if something happened, he isn’t necessarily here. Depends on how close he was to the city.”
“Okay, I’ll find out for you. Be right back.” She left and I was alone with my thoughts. That pain in my stomach was becoming borderline unbearable, but I pushed it away. At the present, finding out if Nick was okay. I wanted to believe more than anything was okay, but Kyung’s words, made me worry.
She came back five minutes later. “He hasn’t been in yet and I called around and no high-profile patients have come in and no one matching his description has come in either.” She relayed.
I smiled tightly. “Thank God.”
“Lizz, just don’t get your hopes too far up yet until we know.” She warned.
“Will you try to get ahold of him on instant messenger? His name is Tidal Wave.” I asked.
She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think you want me to talk to him.” She said darkly.
I recognized that look in her eyes. “K, please. Don’t blame him. It was my own decision.” I pleaded.
She started to say something, but changed her mind. “Okay.” She said finally. “What do you want me to say?”
I didn’t answer. The pain was shooting now and I couldn’t even think past it. I gasped.
“What?!” Kyung exclaimed, her face full of alarm.
“My stomach...hurts...on fire...” I managed to gasp out before I started to drift into unconsciousness. I faintly heard the machines I was attached to start beeping shrilly. I heard Kyung yelling too. Then all was silent.
So, now she was in the OR waiting room cursing herself. She wasn’t sure why, but she continued anyway. Her shift was supposed to last until 7pm. Lizz was brought into the emergency room just before 6pm and Kyung’s supervisor had let her off early to go be with Lizz. It was now after 8pm and Lizz had been in surgery for about 20 minutes.
Everything seemed to be happening too fast. Yet, now that Lizz was in surgery, everything was moving too slow. Kyung thought about Lizz’s request for her to try to find out if Nick was okay. She didn’t want to leave the OR, but she knew that it would be awhile before Lizz would be out. She walked down the hall to one of the tech stations and asked to borrow a computer with internet access. She was directed into a corner with a laptop on the desk.
The computer didn’t have aol instant messenger so she had to use the Quick Buddy. She signed on her name and entered Tidal Wave in the information box. A message blinked to tell her that the user was not signed on. A flash of anger rippled through her.
“You’d think he’d be on here to try to see if she is okay. What an...” She stopped herself. That wasn’t fair. If something had happened to him, of course he wouldn’t be on. She still couldn’t squash the feelings of blame towards him even though Lizz insisted it was her own fault. More than anything Kyung was just being a protective friend and the thought of losing Lizz was too much to consider. She sighed and shut down the screen. She thanked the tech that let her use the computer and headed back towards the waiting room. She waited for another hour before someone came out to address her.
“Elizabeth Hulford?”
Kyung rushed over to the man in green scrubs that had just emerged through the double doors. “How is she?!”
The man frowned. “Her kidneys shut down due to the overdose. We tried to repair them, but there was already some scar tissue.”
Kyung’s eyes widened. “I remember her telling me that when she was younger she got a little bit of damage from one of the medications she was on.”
The doctor nodded. “Whenever there is a trauma to the body like with what happened with Elizabeth, it is common for a major organ to shut down. Since her kidneys were weaker than normal, those would be the most likely to shut down.” He explained.
“That makes sense. Were you able to repair them?” Kyung asked anxiously.
“No. Between the scar tissue and what her body just went through, it was impossible. She is going to need dialysis until she can receive a transplant.” He frowned again. “Of course, she may not want a transplant. If she had no desire to live...”
Kyung bristled. “She didn’t want to die. She...” She stopped, not knowing how to finish what she was wanting to say. Of course she couldn’t tell this man what had happened. Then the realization of Lizz needing a transplant sank in. Her eyes filled with tears. “When can I see her?” She whispered.
“Someone will come get you when she is out of recovery.” He told her. With that he turned around and went through the double doors.
“Obviously he didn’t learn the importance of having a good bedside manor.”
Kyung muttered under her breath. She sank back onto the hard couch and let the tears flow. A few minutes later her pager beeped at her.
She went back to the tech station and called the number. It was Laura. She worked with Kyung and was also an intern.
“Kyung! You’ll never believe what I found out!” Her voice sounded excited.
Kyung groaned. What could there possibly be to get excited about? “What?”
“I just talked to one of the paramedics that went to pick up your friend! You won’t believe this!”
A little warning light went off in Kyung’s head. “Go on.” She said uneasily.
“Okay, well he said that they found her on the floor next to a computer and the screen was flashing messages. He hit print thinking it would give a clue to what had happened. He didn’t type anything back, but took the papers with him. He told me that she was having a conversation with someone named Nick and then someone named Brian got on. He said that the Nick person said he was on a bus and was passing through the city! You know who I think it is?!” Laura could barely contain her excitement.
Kyung groaned inwardly. “Who?”
“I think it is the Backstreet Boys. I know they are on tour right now and it was Nickand Brian! Kyung, the paramedic said the Nick guy was going to kill himself!” She sounded upset when she said the last part.
Shit. “Laura, come on. Why would Lizz be talking to the Backstreet Boys? Isn’t that a little farfetched?” Kyung hoped she sounded convincing.
“I bet it’s them.” Laura insisted stubbornly.
“Um, Laura, have you said this to anyone else?” Kyung asked carefully.
“No, you’re the first person I have told.” She replied.
“Good. Don’t say anything to anyone else about this okay? Promise me.” Kyung said urgently.
“Okay. Why not?” Laura sounded skeptical.
“Please just trust me. Oh, and do you remember the paramedic’s name?” Kyung asked. She had to talk to him as soon as she could. If this got out it could be bad.
“I don’t know, but I can find out.” Laura offered.
“Thanks. I’m going to let you go, I have to make some calls.” Kyung was getting anxious.
“Okay, but wait! I almost forgot to tell you. Guess what else?! About Nick...he’s...”
Once again Kyung sat in the Intensive Care room waiting for her best friend to wake up. Lizz had gotten out of surgery nearly a half an hour ago. Now she was on a respirator. The doctor had told Kyung that it was common after a major surgery like that for the patient to be on one. As soon as Lizz woke up and felt a little stronger, they could take it out. It still upset Kyung to see Lizz that way.
She knew that as soon as Lizz would wake up and be coherent, she would try to ask Kyung what she found out about Nick. Kyung wasn’t sure how to handle that one without upsetting her. Laura’s words rang in her ears. “About Nick...he’s being brought to a hospital! It just got called in.
“Here?! How do you know it was Nick?”
“The description they said matched his and they said it was high profile. And I don’t know what ER ended up taking the call. It’s a pretty far range so who knows. I didn’t hear.”
Kyung still hadn’t found out what hospital Nick was taken too. She didn’t want to leave Lizz’s side in case she woke up. Instead, Kyung kept a silent vigil by Lizz’s bed.
Another half hour went by before she began to stir. Kyung stood up and hovered over her. A moment later Lizz’s eyes fluttered.
“Lizzie? Hey, are you finally going to wake up now?” Kyung said in a soft voice.
Her eyes shifted around the room and a flicker of fear passed through them.
Kyung saw it. “You have a tube down your throat so you can breathe. When you get a little stronger, they will let you have it out. Maybe tomorrow morning.”
Lizz’s eyes shifted again and she looked back at Kyung questioningly. They had always been able to finish each other’s sentences and know what the other was thinking and now that came in quite handy.
“It’s a quarter to 10.” Kyung answered.
Lizz looked agitated like she wanted to say something. Kyung was hoping she wasn’t going to ask about Nick and thought that maybe since she had just woken up and seemed a little out of it, that maybe the thought wouldn’t cross her mind.
“Hold on, let me get you a pad of paper and you can try to write what you want to say okay?” Kyung offered.
Lizz nodded ever so slightly.
Kyung left and returned a moment later with a large notebook and a fat marker. It would be easier to write that way. She positioned it so Lizz could write on it easily. Then she put the marker in her hand.
Very slowly, Lizz scribbled “r u ok?”
It looked like a child’s handwriting, but Kyung was still able to read it. A knot formed itself in her throat. She shouldn’t be worried about anyone else, but herself at the moment.
“I’m fine. Don’t you be worrying about me, you punk. You need to worry about getting yourself better!” Kyung chastised. She smiled when she said it though.
Lizz attempted a small smile.
Kyung was relieved that that was her question, but then Lizz gestured for the notebook again. Kyung put it in front of her and Lizz began to write again.
This time it merely read “Nick?” in that same childish handwriting. Lizz’s eyes searched Kyung for the answer that Kyung didn’t know how to give.
I searched Kyung’s face for answers. She looked very uncomfortable when I managed to scrawl “Nick” on the piece of paper. Something was wrong. I could tell.
She averted her eyes from mine.
I want to talk so bad, but the blasted tube down my throat prevented me. I wanted to rip it out, but the mere thought of that made me cringe. I knew I didn’t have the strength at the present moment, not to mention it would probably kill me. Although, I wasn’t sure I cared at the moment.
“Lizz, I’m...uh...” Kyung started.
I still held the marker so I struggled to write, “TELL ME.” She looked at the paper, then at me. It looked like she was trying to figure out what to say.
“I don’t really know. Something happened, but I don’t know what.” She finally said. She let out a long sigh. “You remember Laura? One of the other interns? She said that a guy that matched Nick’s description was radioed in. EMSA said the patient was high profile. Laura didn’t find out which hospital and she wasn’t sure where they were calling from.”
My eyes grew wide and filled with tears. My frustration grew because I couldn’t do anything, but lie in this damn bed. I struggled to write more. “Find out where.”
Kyung sighed again. “Don't get yourself all worked up! That isn’t going to help anything. You are going to make yourself worse.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks. I wrote some more. “Dont care. My fault.”
Kyung glared at me now. “What is your fault?!” She demanded. I think she felt as frustrated as I did, but for different reasons. She was watching her best friend lie in a hospital bed, attached to several machines including a respirator, and I was not helping the situation by getting all upset. I couldn’t help myself though.
I wrote some more. “Suppose to help. He dies, my fault. Didnt do my job.”
Kyung shook her head. “Lizz! No!You can’t control what people do. You can’t stop someone from doing something if that is what they want to do. You tried to help. You did the best you could. You can’t blame yourself! That is ridiculous!”
Her words might have made sense. I would never believe them though. In my heart, if he died, I would blame myself for not being able to help him.
At that moment Kyung’s pager went off. She glanced at me and then at her page.
“It’s Laura.” She said quietly. “I’m going to go call her and I will be right back okay?”
I nodded, cursing the fact that they didn’t put phones in ICU rooms. She came back a few moments later, her face a few shades paler.
“He’s here. They just brought him in. I don’t know how Laura found out because I bet they are keeping this as tightly sealed as possible.” She told me in a hushed voice.
I gestured for her to let me write again. She held it up and I scribbled “is he ok?”
“I don’t know. She didn’t know anything else.” Kyung replied. She frowned. This was not a good thing. One paramedic knew about what had really happened and she guessed the whoever else was there did too. Somehow Laura had found out and who knew who else. Somewhere floating around was the conversation printed out. If that got out it could be really bad. “Lizz, there is something else.” Kyung started. She hated saying anything that might upset Lizz further, but Lizz had to know. “One of the paramedics printed out the conversation you had with Nick. Somehow Laura knows about it.”
I felt the color drain from my face. I started to scribble again. “Find him please.”
Kyung nodded.
Just then the overhead system came to life. “Code Blue! Dr. Phelps to the ER STAT. Dr. Phelps to the ER.”
Oh god. Oh god.
Kyung looked at me quickly. “Lizz, you don’t know...” But she stopped, the fear in her face betraying her words.
I started to shake. I tried to fight the respirator. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.
“Lizz. Lizz, relax! Let the machine breathe for you. Lizz, calm down. Shit!” Kyung’s face was over mine and I could see her trying to stay calm. She reached for the call button and pushed it. “Come on Lizz. You need to relax. You are going to hyperventilate!”
I didn’t even here what she was saying. I didn’t notice the people that had just flooded my room. I didn’t even notice my own pain. All I really could tell was that I couldn’t breathe. It was my fault. My fault. And then once again the merciful darkness took me away again.
Kyung stood nervously in the narrow doorway. Suddenly she wasn’t sure what to say. Brian stared at her expectantly. For a moment she was at a loss for words. She had never seen him in person and she never had expected to either. Especially in this state. He looked awful. Much like she did, she supposed. That big grin that she had always seen in pictures was nowhere to be found. His eyes were red from crying and he hair was all disheveled.
“Um, I’m Kyung. Lizz’s friend.” She said hesitantly.
He raised his eyebrows. “Oh wow. She’s here?” He said softly. He stood and shook her hand. Then he gestured to one of the other chairs in the room and she sat down.
Kyung smiled tightly at the shocked look on his face. She was probably the last person he expected to see. “How is he?” She asked.
“They are getting him stabilized. How’s Lizz?” Brian countered.
“Scared the crap outta me again. She had just woken up when they called the code. She sort of freaked and ended up passing out. They got her stabilized, but she isn’t awake either.” Kyung replied.
Brian raked his hand through his hair again, making it even more messed up. “Is she going to be okay?”
Kyung looked at the floor and tried to will the tears away. “I don’t know.” She whispered. “Her kidneys shut down. They can’t fix them.”
“Oh god...” Brian put his hand on Kyung’s shoulder. He didn’t know what to say.
“What about Nick? Did they get everything out of his system?” Kyung looked up at Brian.
“I don’t know. He woke up for a while. He got really upset when he remembered what had happened. He kept asking about Lizz and he tried to rip the tube in his throat out. Then his eyes sort of rolled back and the machines started beeping. I don’t know what caused it.” Brian shook his head.
“That’s what Lizz did too. She kept getting all worked up. Saying if anything happened then it would be her fault. Then we heard the code blue and she freaked out.” Kyung was trying not to cry.
“Her fault?! Why on earth would she blame herself?!” Brian demanded.
“I don’t know.” Kyung said miserably. “I am scared to death.” The tears started to fall.
Brian leaned over and put his arms around her. He couldn’t stop his own tears from falling.
“Why did this happen? Why did they do this?” Kyung moaned.
Brian didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say. This was killing him. Not only was Nick unconscious and who knew what complications he suffered from, but also Lizz had done something equally as stupid. He knew that this was the last thing that Nick needed to go through. He also knew that Lizz had some other health issues and now had failed kidneys to deal with on top of it.
Kyung straightened herself up. She was frustrated that she let her emotions get the better of her. She had been trying to be strong for Lizz, but it was all getting to overwhelming. “Brian there is another potential problem.”
“What?” He asked warily. He didn’t need anything else to go wrong.
“What did you tell the paramedics about what happened?” Kyung asked.
“Um, that he accidentally overdosed on one of his medications.” Brian frowned, wondering where she was going with this.
“One of the paramedics saw Lizz’s computer on and messages flashing. He printed it out and brought it with. People have seen the conversation.”
“Oh god...” He breathed. “How many people?”
“I have no idea. One of the interns I work with told me she knew about it, but hadn’t read it.” Kyung told him.
Brian sighed heavily. “Do you know how bad this could be if it gets out?”
“I know! They are going to connect it all together! Two people brought in to the ER very close to the same time, both from an overdose. Anyone who reads that conversation is going to connect Lizz and Nick.” Kyung said in frustration.
“So, what do we do?” Brian rubbed his eyes.
“I am doing what I can to get ahold of it and find out who knows what.” Kyung replied.
“I can’t believe this is happening.” Brian muttered.
“Me neither.” Kyung agreed. Her pager went off. She read the message and her face lit up at what she saw. “She’s awake!”
Brian smiled. “Are you going back?”
“Yeah, want to come?”
Brian nodded. “Think she’d mind?”
“Of course not. I bet she will be very happy to see you.”
“I hate to go anywhere without knowing what is happening, but if I don’t can’t tell him how Lizz is, he will just get all upest again.” Brain said.
“We’ll make sure you find out right away when he wakes up.” Kyung promised.
They walked down the hall and stopped at the main desk. Kyung left her pager number with instructions to be paged immediately when Nick was stabilized. They took the elevator to the intensive care unit. Kyung’s heart was flip-flopping, anxious to see if Lizz was okay. Kyung didn’t know how much more she could take. They stopped at the desk before going to her room. Della was sitting at the desk and smiled at Kyung.
“She woke up about ten minutes ago. We took the tube out because she tried to fight it again when she woke up. She’s on oxygen, but other than that she is breathing okay. She is a stubborn thing, isn’t she? Determined to be off the respirator.” Della grinned.
“You have no idea.” Kyung muttered. “Thank you Del.” She called over her shoulder as she and Brian walked to Lizz’s room. She knocked softly and opened the door.
I was hurting all over. I couldn’t really move so the pain seemed to stand out more. My whole body hurt worse than it did the first time I woke up. Not to mention, I now had a sore throat from the tube that was down my throat. The last thing I remembered was hearing the code being called. I tried to hyperventilate and that is kind of impossible to do while attached to a machine that is breathing for me. At least that is what my nurse, Della, told me. I woke up shortly after I passed out. At first I was a little upset that Kyung wasn’t in here when I woke up, but then Della told me that she had to go look for someone. That made me feel better so I tried to wait patiently for her to come back. Della said she paged her to let her know that I had woken up. So I just laid here and worried about Nick. I hadn’t even thought about myself yet. I’ve spent considerable amounts of time in hospitals, but this was different. I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but I was scared. Really scared.
There was a knock on my door and I carefully turned my head towards the sound. Even that was an effort. Kyung poked her head around the curtain. She smiled at me.
“I brought someone to see you.” She told me.
Then, to my great surprise, Brian Littrell stepped around to the other side of her. He gave me a small smile. My jaw dropped.
“Wh- what are youdoing here?!” I stuttered. Was I dreaming?
“Your friend found me in a waiting room. When they paged her to tell her that you had woken up, I asked if I could come with.” He pulled up a chair and down next to the side of my bed. Kyung started to go to the one on the other side that she had been sitting in earlier, but changed her mind.
“Lizz, I’ll be back in a few okay?” She nodded at me as she went around the curtain again.
“‘kay.” I was still surprised that Brian was sitting in the chair next to me. We had talked quite a few times, but still...
“How is he?” I whispered. It seemed to hurt less when I whispered.
“Not too sure. I really hope he is going to be okay, but I don’t know this time.” He sighed and I studied him carefully. His eyes seemed to be a window into his soul and I could see what this was doing to him. It broke my heart.
“Brian, are you doing okay?” I asked quietly.
He gazed at me for a moment before replying. “I don’t know that either. Lizz, why did you do that? Why did you swallow that bottle? You are so luck to be alive right now.” His voice was weary.
“I was desperate. I had to do something to stop him. Please don’t be mad at me. I just wanted to get through to him. I didn’t even care what happened to me right then. I just wanted him to be okay. I thought that would stop him. I’m sorry.” Tears filled my eyes and I struggled to keep them from falling.
“I’m not mad at you, Lizz. I just hate that you are going through all this. This shouldn’t have happened. He shouldn’t have been on-line in the first place. I say that all the time, but it never does any good. Now look what happened.” He shook his head.
“But he is going to be okay right?” I pressed.
“But what about you?! You should be worrying...” He was cut off by Kyung bursting through the door.
“Brian, Nick is coming around.” She relayed to him.
“Lizz, I am going to go check on him. I’ll come back though as soon as I can, okay?” Brian stood up.
I nodded. He squeezed my shoulder gently and left. Kyung came in and took his spot next to me.
“I think he was mad at me, K.” I whispered.
“No, I don’t think so. He is just upset about all of this. He is having a hard time seeing this happen to his best friend. I think I know how he feels.” She added softly.
I didn’t know what to say to that. My whole stomach area was throbbing now because of the surgery. I must have gotten a little pale because Kyung went to get my nurse. Della gave me some more pain medication and it made me really drowsy.
“I’m going to go try to find out about Nick okay?” Kyung asked.
“Okay.” I whispered. My eyelids were closing on me, but it was okay because maybe when I woke up, Nick would be okay.
Brian walked down the hall towards the ER. He was anxious to get back to Nick since he had no idea why he passed out again or what was going on now. He stopped in front of the elevators and hit the down button. Just a few feet away a girl in scrubs stood on a pay phone. She caught Brian’s attention.
He didn’t know why, but something didn’t seem right. He watched her a moment. She was holding a piece of paper and seemed to be talking eagerly to whoever was on the other end. Then it clicked why something looked out of place. Why would someone that worked here be on pay phone? Why wouldn’t she use a desk phone or something. Her back was partially turned to him so he walked a little closer to her.
“That’s right! Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys...Yes, I have the whole thing...How much would you pay for it?...I can find out...It was definitely suicide...It says right here “I am holding a handful of pills” and it says “I don’t want to live anymore.”...Yes, and the other girl, Lizz, is here too...I don’t know, critical?...”
Brian wasn’t sure if he was hearing her right at first. She was talking a mile a minute. When it sunk in, Brian was horrified. Then angry. Blind rage filled him.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?!” He shouted at her.
She froze and whirled around. Her mouth dropped open when she saw who had just yelled at her. “Oh my god...” She muttered, in shock.
“Who were you talking to?” Brian demanded, his voice taking a new tone. A much lower tone.
“Um, uh...” The girl could only stare at him.
Without warning his hand snapped in front of her, ripped the phone from her grasp and slammed it back onto the hook. “Who was it?” He asked again, his voice dangerously low.
“No one.” Came the quick answer.
Brian looked at her name tag. “Terri, tell me who you were talking to right now.” His voice was strangely calm. That is what scared Terri. His eyes were flashing and the look on his face was of sheer anger.
“It’s too late now. They already know. I told them everything.” Terri told him. Her voice was shaking slightly, but she tried to hide it. She couldn’t believe Brian Littrell was standing in front her looking like he was going to tear her limb from limb. She thought he was the nice one. The polite, mild-mannered one. The man now standing before her scared her.
“Who knows everything?” That same dead calm voice.
“The National Enquirer.” She whispered.
“What?! Why the fuck would you do something like that?!” He threw his hands up and Terri jumped.
“I needed the money.” She tried to defend herself.
“You ruin Nick’s name for money. You break the confidentiality law for money? You fucking destroy his lifefor money?! What kind of heartless bitch are you?!” Brian’s voice got louder with everything he said.
Terri shrank away from him, pale as a ghost. She had never seen someone so mad in her entire life. She wanted to yell back that Nick had destroyed his own life, but she didn’t dare. She wasn’t sorry about what she did. All that mattered was that she got her money.
Brian seemed to remember where he was and immediately tried to calm himself down. He knew that he shouldn’t have let himself get so worked up anyway. That wasn’t good for anyone.
“You will hear from my lawyers.” He informed her before turning around and slamming open the door to the steps. Once the door shut he leaned his head against the concrete wall of the stairwell and shut his eyes. His head was pounding now and he sank onto one of the steps. Things were going from bad to worse.
For a few brief moment while he sat in the stairwell, Brian allowed the
anguished tears to fall. He was sickened and upset about what this girl had
done to Nick. She had betrayed patient confidentiality.
This sucked. I had always been an active person. I loved being around people, being social and keeping busy. Never a dull moment. Well, let me rephrase that because all of this was certainly not dull. I should say I prefer other means of keeping life interesting. Lying in a bed, hooked up to a bunch of machines, and being in a considerable amount of pain was not my idea of fun.
Kyung had left only about fifteen minutes ago, but I was already bored. I had to be thankful for the small things. At least I was off that damn respirator. Right now more than anything I wanted to know if Nick was okay. Kyung promised to come tell me as soon as she knew something, but I was a very impatient person.
The first thought that came to mind was a bad one. I didn’t know if I would get away with it, but I decided I would find out for myself how he was doing. I wasn’t sure how since I didn’t feel like I could move, but I was determined. Kyung left the door open so I could see into the hallway. There was a wheelchair just outside my door. If I could get to that, then I would wheel myself to the ER. I wasn’t even sure if he was in the ER still or not.
I tried to sit up, but my body didn’t seem to want to work. I groaned in frustration and grabbed the siderail to try to hoist myself up. That made me gasp and I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out. I had almost forgotten about the sutures in my sides from the surgery. That was the source of a lot of my pain.
This time I used the button to raise the head of my bed. Almost immediately I was overwhelmed with dizziness. The pain got steadily worse, but I tried to put it aside. I was on a mission. Very carefully I moved my legs so they were dangling off the side of the bed. Nausea was starting to hit me now so I took a few deep breaths. Being on oxygen helped, but that was going to have to come off since it was attached to the wall.
I sat there a moment clinging to the siderail. It was taking every ounce of my strength to keep myself upright. I was feeling worse by the second, but I had gotten this far. I wasn’t going to give up.
Another problem occurred to me. I was attached to a bunch of machines that would beep at me if I tried to take the patches off. I decided that when I got up I would go hit the silent alarm button so I wouldn’t get caught. That would take care of that.
The pain in my sides was becoming fiery and I had to stop and take a few more deep breaths. It was getting more difficult to breathe, but I passed that off as just being worn out from the exertion.
Just find Nick. Just make sure he is okay. Then you can rest again. Just a little way’s to the wheelchair, I kept coaching myself. I put my feet on the floor and braced myself against the side of the bed. I took one step before the pain and the dizziness completely overwhelmed me. My knees buckled and I crashed into the unforgiving floor. My head hit something and I felt a tear along my side. I barely heard the door open and someone yelling, “What on earth?!” The pain was so bad that I couldn’t even talk. I suddenly felt very sleepy. There was a roaring in my ears and that was all I heard before I passed out.
Brian looked at me, but didn’t say anything. I could tell by the look in his eyes that there was something that he wasn’t telling me. I started to ask, but I was stopped by a shooting pain in my side that took my breath away.
“Lizz?” Kyung must have seen the look on my face. “Hold on hun, let me get your nurse.” She hurried out of the room.
I tried to sit up a little to see what was causing me so much pain. Brian immediately put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me back down. “Lay still, you are going to make it worse.” He coaxed.
I brought my hand down to the side of my gown. When I lifted it back up, the sight made me lightheaded. “I’m bleeding.” I breathed. It hurt.
“I know. You probably tore something.” Brian frowned. He looked a little pale.
Della burst through the door and Kyung followed behind, pushing a cart full of supplies. “What happened?” She demanded.
“I fell.” I whispered.
“Okay, let me see what you did.” She pulled the sheet up to my waist and then pulled up my gown, exposing just my side. “Oh shit.” She muttered.
“Lizz, you tore your sutures wide open!” Kyung exclaimed.
Brian turned away quickly and sort of swayed.
Della looked up sharply. “Are you okay?” She asked, watching him carefully.
“I’m fine.” He mumbled.
I started feeling really woozy. I could see a considerable amount of blood all over my sheets. “They’re going to have to take you back down and sew you up.” Della told me as she applied pressure to my side. She turned and said something to Kyung and then Kyung left the room.
“Why can’t you do it?” I protested. “People get stitched up in the ER all the time.”
“This is a little more delicate because they are surgical sutures. They also need to make sure there is no internal bleeding.” She explained.
I whimpered. “It hurts. Make it stop.”
“We’re working on that.” She said gently. “Why were you trying to get out of bed? You should know that your body is far too weak.” She chastised.
“I had to go find...” I trailed off.
Della didn’t seem to notice my hesitancy to end my reply. “You are slowing your recovery down by trying to force your body to do things is isn’t able to do. I’ll be right back. I’m going to see if Kyung was able to get ahold of your doctor.” She looked at Brian who hadn’t said a word in the last few minutes. “Could you hold pressure on this while I go do that?”
“Uh sure.” He said uncomfortably. She left and I had to smile at the look on Brian’s face.
“You don’t like blood do you?” I asked him.
He shook his head.
I knew pressure had to be applied so I wouldn’t bleed to death, but it hurt something fierce. I tried not to let Brian see that.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” He said quietly. “We were on our way back to your room.”
My eyes welled with tears. I wasn’t sure if it was from the growing pain or the shame of doing something stupid again. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to try to find him. I thought if I could see him for myself, then I would know that he would be okay. I didn’t mean to make things worse. I guess I wasn’t thinking.” My voice was barely a whisper.
“Lizz, I just hate to see you going through this. You guys are both so concerned about each other that you are making things harder on yourselves. You need to take the best possible care of yourself so that you can get better faster. So does Nick.” He smiled ruefully. “You two are two of the most stubborn people I have ever known.”
I tried to smile. “Stubbornness is a trait that I am willing to admit to.”
He patted my hand. “Well use that stubbornness to get you through this okay? When it gets harder, and it will, don’t give up. Stay with it and be the strong person that I know you are. Maybe that will help Nick too. Everything’s going to be okay.”
I nodded. A few of the unshed tears slipped out and I blinked furiously. A few moments later Della and Kyung returned. There were also a couple guys with a gurney. Very quickly and carefully they lifted me onto the gurney. My eyes felt really heavy. It made me wonder how much blood I lost.
Kyung brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “We’ll be here when you come back okay?”
I nodded.
Brian squeezed my hand. “You’ll do fine.” He assured me.
As the transport guys loaded me into the elevator I tried to relax. There was something that Brian had said that stood out in my head. What did Nick do that he was slowing down his recovery too? It was my last thought as I fell asleep.
Brian and Kyung stood in Lizz’s room and watched Lizz being pushed down the hall to back to the OR.
Kyung noticed Brian glancing uncertainly at the blood that had soaked the sheets and the small pool on the floor.
“It’s less than it looks.” She said. She tried to convince herself along with him.
“I hope so cause that looks like a lot.” Brian said, frowning.
“Come on, let’s go out of here so they can clean up.” Kyung suggested. She didn’t miss the look of relief that Brian showed.
“Nick should be on his way to his room. We could go check.” Brian said.
“Okay.”
They were silent until they reached the elevator. “I can’t believe she did that.” Remarked Kyung. “That was a pretty dumb move.”
Brian nodded. “I think she realizes that now. At the time she just wanted to try to find Nick. She said she thought if she could just see him, then she would know he was okay.”
Kyung frowned. “They are going to put in a graft to start the dialysis. A fistula is the preferable method, but her veins are already shot from all the meds she used to get through them when she was younger and had to have peripheral IV’s. Instead she has to get a graft. They are going to do that while she is already under anesthesia from sewing her back up again.”
“What is a graft exactly?” Brian asked.
“It works the same way as a fistula, but the difference is that with a graft, a piece of synthetic tubing is inserted under the arm to sew the artery and vein together. They use grafts when the veins aren’t strong enough for a fistula.” She explained.
“This is a permanent thing?” He asked.
“Yes, until she can get a transplant.” Kyung said softly.
Brian nodded. He couldn’t believe that she was going to have to go through this. They approached the ER and he desperately hoped that Nick was doing a little better. He also dreaded having to tell him what Lizz had done.
“No, she’s asleep still...About a half an hour ago...Well no, she tore them pretty bad, but they sewed them back up without any problem...Right and the graft too. It made sense to do both things while she was under. It isn’t good for her to keep being knocked out like this...I know, I’d love to beat the crap outta her! I don’t don’t what gave her the idea that she could walk. She is way too weak...As far as I know, better. He was awake and talking a little bit ago...He’s pretty upset too...No, I still haven’t been able to get ahold of them...If you could manage it that would be awesome. I think she would be happy to see you...Right, okay well I’ll talk to ya later then?...Okay I will...Bye.”
I woke up to hear Kyung on the phone with someone. I couldn’t tell who it was so I just layed there and listened to the onesided conversation. It wasn’t like I could do a whole lot anyway. I felt even weaker than before, but at least now I wasn’t in any pain. I had to think about that one for awhile, but then it occured to me that I was probably on a bunch of pain medications. Kyung noticed me watching her and smiled.
“Hey sweetie.” She greeted me.
“Hi.” My voice came out raw, like I had been chewing on razor blades.
“That was Julia. She’s going to try to get down here.” Kyung nodded at the phone.
That made me smile. Julia was one of my closest friends, but I only got to see her when I went home on the occasional weekend or holiday. She and her husband were getting ready to move back to India in a few months. A couple years before they stayed there for almost a year and they loved it. “How is she going to do that with her little one?” She had just had a baby a few months ago.
Kyung shrugged. “She is pretty determined. Oh, I tried to get through to your parents again, but there still isn’t an answer.”
“I bet they went to Kansas for an auction. If that is what they did then they won’t be back for a few days.” I vaguely remembered my mom mentioning that when I talked to her last. That meant that would not be home until a couple days later. I was cool with that.
“I’m sorry, Lizz.”
I shook my head softly. “It’s better that way anyway. You know my mom. She’d freak. It’s better that I tell her about all this when I am doing better so it is easier on her.”
Kyung stared at me. “You amaze me.” She said quietly.
“What?” I demanded.
“Nothing.”
Okay whatever that was...Then Nick flashed into my head. “How’s Nick?” I asked anxiously.
“Well I got to see him.” She started.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “You better not have been pissy at him.” I knew how she was and I could just see her being mad at him for all of this. I tried to think of something to say to her so she wouldn’t blame him. It was my deceision to do this, he didn’t force me too. Although that was something I didn’t want to think about. I didn’t want to think about how the rest of my life was affected now. The fact that if I didn’t get a tranfusion soon then I would die. The fact that I had messed myself up pretty bad. I couldn’t even stand on my own two feet and my whole body was screwed up from the albuterol. Some of it was still in my system, I could tell. And now I was going to have to start dialysis. I didn’t know very much about it, but I knew that it wasn’t always pleasant.
“No, I wasn’t pissy at him. I’m not mad at him. I just am...mad that all this happened.” Kyung said, bringing me out of my thoughts. Still, even though my life was pretty screwed up at the moment, I don’t regret doing what I did. At least Nick was still with us.
“Good!” I said. I looked down at my arm and noticed the white bandage around it. “That’s the graft huh?” I said quietly.
Kyung nodded. “They won’t be able to use it for awhile though. It needs to heal first. Did they tell you what they were going to do meanwhiile?”
“No.”
Kyung broke her gaze from me. “The only way they can do it for now is by putting a tube either in your neck or just below your collar bone.”
My eyes widened. “Oh god.” That didn’t sound good. In fact it sounded pretty bad. It scared the crap out of me.
She returned her gaze to me. “It’s only until the graft heals. They’ll be here in a little bit to start you on the dialysis.”
“What’s it going to be like? Other than the tube part...” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“Well it is different for everyone. There are some side effects that you might get. Especially considering the state you are in now. Dizziness, nausea, headache, stuff like that.” She listed.
“Oh fun.” I smiled wryly.
“Maybe it won’t have to go on for long.” Kyung suggested.
“What if I don’t get a transplant?” I asked her. I don’t know why I bothered. I already knew the answer.
“Lizz, you’ll get one.” She gave me a look.
“But what if I don’t?” I persisted.
“Lizz!”
I saw that I was upsetting her so I shut up. I don’t know what the point of all that was anyway. Maybe I just needed to hear the words out loud so they wouldn’t seem so unreal. It wasn’t unreal. If I didn’t get a donor, I would die. It was as simple as that. Then the feelings of blaming myself started hitting me. For some reason I felt like none of this shouldn’t have happened. I should have prevented it. What kind of friend was I to Nick if I couldn’t help him. I still didn’t even know if he was going to be okay or not. I just know that I should have done something to stop him. A little part of me tried to tell me that these feelings were ridiculous just like Kyung had told me. I couldn’t help it though. He was so close and I couldn’t do a thing. The emotional turmoil inside of me was growing.
“Lizz what’s wrong?” Kyung looked at me carefully.
I didn’t trust my voice so I didn’t say anything. Just then her pager vibrated and I watched her suck in a breath when she read the message.
“What?” I demanded.
“It’s Brian’s cell. He told me if anything happened he’d page me. I’ll be back in a minute.” She rushed out of the room and left me to sit there and worry about what had happened.