I woke up when I heard the familiar rattle of the blood draw tech’s cart. I
wanted to fake sleeping in hopes that she would bi-pass my room but I knew
I was just kidding myself.
“Hi, my name’s Leah and I need to get some blood this morning.”
I looked at Leah and I knew she could tell I was dissatisfied by the thought
of getting more blood taken from me, I was sick of feeling like a pincushion.
After a few minutes of her poking around on my arm, she sighed and reached
over towards the light switch.
“I’m really sorry,” Leah apologized as she turned on the over head lights, “I
just am having a hard time finding a good vein this morning.”
I groaned as the lights flickered on, hurting my eyes. I wanted to tell her it
was okay, but I didn’t trust any words that would come out of my mouth.
With my luck lately, I would end up calling her a bitch or something and get
slapped for it.
Leah quickly drew the blood from my arm and shut the lights off once she
placed the vial back into her cart. She cheerfully thanked me and left the
room. I laid awake in the dim lighting, listening to the noises of the world
outside my door.
I finally was distracted from the noises in the hallway by a fly buzzing by my
face. I laughed at the irony of a fly living in ICU. I decided to call the fly
AJ. It was a perfect name for the fly because it reminded me of AJ, always
buzzing around quickly, never staying in one spot for long. The fly must have
realized I was mentally thinking about it because it landed on my cheek. Out
of reflex, I brushed the fly from my cheek.
Brushed my cheek?
I looked at my hand in front of my face. I hadn’t been able to control any
movements that I wanted to since I came out of this damn coma. The meds
they were giving me were working! I wanted to shout out to the doctor that
it was working, god, I needed to tell someone. Wait, did that mean I could
talk too? I decided to chance it and I cleared my throat. I was hoping to say
‘Hi how are you today’ but the only words that came out were the same
jumbled up mess that I had been saying before.
That was bad, no improvement there. I tried to keep myself up and reminded
myself that I could move my hand. It was only the one hand, but hell, one
was better than none.
A nurse came into my room with another IV bad and a syringe. I watched her
hang the new bag on the pole and then she uncapped the syring with her
mouth - I was thinking how professional - and looked at her watch as she
pushed the mediation into the IV line.
Feeling that familiar burn into my arm as the mediation was entering my
bloodstream, I closed my eyes and let the sleep wash over me.
"Well, I‘m afraid we have some good news and some rather disturbing news."
Brian, Kyung, and Lizz’s doctor were sitting in a small conference room. Upon hearing those words, Kyung took a sharp breath in. She wasn’t sure she could handle any more bad news. Brian saw this and gave her hand a quick squeeze.
"We’ll start with the good news." Dr. Saxton smiled. "We have a kidney for Lizz."
Kyung gasped at the same time Brian exclaimed, "Thank God!"
"B…but how? What about the waiting list? Even being listed as critical can still take months!" Kyung stammered, her shock evident.
Dr. Saxton’s face grew grim. "Well, I’m afraid that’s the bad news." Brian and Kyung exchanged glances as the doctor continued. "I’m sure you both aware of the recent addition of the National Enquiror that featured an article on Nick and Lizz."
Kyung felt a lump form in her throat. This wasn’t going to be good. She barely saw Brain nod out of the corner of her eye.
"Unfortunately a young girl took the words in the article as truth." Dr. Saxton said.
"Words? What words?" Kyung shook her head.
"Where it said that Nick had suffered from brain damage and would never walk or speak or be able to take care of himself. One of his fans, an 18 year old girl, became very distraught over it and…took her life." Dr. Saxton finished gravely.
"Oh god!" Brian cried hoarsely.
Kyung covered her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut.
"Her mother and father said she became very distraught after she found out. She became withdrawn and depressed, barely talking to anyone." Dr. Saxton continued.
"But how…?" Kyung whispered.
Dr. Saxton seemed to understand what Kyung was trying to ask. "Her parents are devastated, naturally. Surprisingly they harbor no feelings of blame. Instead they want some good to come from this. They want their daughter’s kidneys to go to Lizz."
"Does Lizz know?" Brian asked suddenly.
"They should be prepping her to be transported right now, but she doesn’t know who the donor is." Dr. Saxton replied.
"Shit, Brian, I don’t know what this is going to do to her!" Kyung said urgently.
Brian nodded. Then he raised an eyebrow. "Wait, what do you mean, transported?" Brian asked.
"There will be a surgical team waiting in Tulsa for her." Dr. Saxton said.
"Tulsa?!" Kyung still seemed like she was in shock.
"What about Nick? Does he know any of this?" Brian continued to question the doctor frantically.
"Not to my knowledge."
"Oh boy." Brian muttered. This was starting to get overwhelming.
Suddenly Kyung snapped her head down to her pager. "It’s Lizz’s room."
Brian glanced at Dr. Saxton. "Have me paged when all the paper work is signed so we can get Lizz to Tulsa as soon as possible." The doctor said as he shook Brian’s hand.
The nurse left to go take the forms out. I, on the other hand, was freaking out. I was fighting the urge to panic with everything that was in me. And by this point, that wasn’t much. Who was my donor?! Why did the nurse beat around the bush when I tried to ask? I couldn’t leave Nick now, there was no way. Especially now that he was hopefully going to start getting better. It was my fault that this had happened and I sure as hell wasn’t going to bail on him now. Then a sudden thought occurred to me. What if the donor was Nick?! What if something happened?!"So much for control. I started breathing rapidly and choked back a sob. I couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to Nick. This was all my fault!I pushed the sheets back roughly and tried to push myself off of the pillows. Sharp pains coursed through me and I let out a cry. I was beginning to get frantic. "Please…" I moaned. After struggling for a few more minutes my whole body was trembling and I was gasping for air. At that moment, the door flew open.
"Lizz!" Kyung rushed over to me. I was struggling to remain sitting and gave in to her outstretched arms.
"Nick! Oh god! He’s…" I cried as I held a death grip on her.
"Lizz, Lizz! He’s fine. Nick’s fine!" Kyung tried to get my attention.
"You mean…he’s not…" I sagged against her. She leaned me back onto my pillows and then began messing with the oxygen levels. Brian sat down on the edge of the bed.
"You thought he was your donor?" He asked softly.
I nodded shakily. I could feel the oxygen flow was stronger and tried to take it in. "I can’t leave." I choked out.
"There isn’t a choice. You need to get this transplant." Brian reasoned.
I shook my head. "Then I have to wait until Nick is better enough to go too." I said stubbornly. My voice was all breathy. Why wasn’t I getting enough air?
"Lizz…" Brian started.
Another thought occurred to me. If Nick wasn’t my donor, then who was it? I knew how transplant lists worked. I nearly was on one many years ago. Something must have happened in order for me to get a kidney so fast. "Where is this kidney coming from?" I whispered.
Brian and Kyung glanced at each other. I could tell that they didn’t want to tell me the answer to that. At that moment, I was scarcely aware of how hard it was to breathe nor the searing pain that threatened to knock me out. I only sat and waited, an icy fear enveloping my heart.
“Lizz, that’s not important to know right now,” Kyung quietly stated. Brian
slightly nodded his head in agreement.
“Like hell,” Lizz whispered.
Hearing the heart monitor start to pick up pace with Lizz’s agitation, Brian
gave in and decided to tell Lizz a little about the donor.
“Lizz, it’s from an 18 year old girl from St. Louis, Missouri,” Brian started
out.
“And?” Lizz sharply whispered.
Brian’s shoulder’s sank. “You aren’t just gonna leave it at that, are you?”
Lizz narrowed her eyes at Brian.
A slight smile played on his lips. “Guess not. She is a fiesty one.”
Kyung nodded. “Can’t help it, stubborness and bitchiness is in her character.”
Lizz continued to stare at Brian and Kyung.
He took a deep breath in. “Okay...... well, she just happened to be a BSB fan
and her parents read about what was going on with how you tried to help
Nick and their hearts went out to you and they felt that if their daughter’s
kidneys matched your genetic profiles, they wanted them to go to you, they
felt it would be the right thing to do with them.”
Brian tried his best to look Lizz in the face. He wasn’t actually lying about
the details, he was just skipping a few details. He hoped Lizz would never
want to know the full details but he knew eventually she would be asking or
hearing about it.
Satisfied with Brian’s explaination, Lizz closed her eyes. The nurses finished
up with the final preparations of her transport to Tulsa. Suddenly, Lizz’s
eyes popped open.
“Does Nick know anything about this yet?”
Kyung smoothed the blankets up by Lizz’s neck. “No, not yet.”
“I want to see him before I go,” Lizz insisted.
An ambulance attendant entered the room. “Okay, ready to go to Tulsa?”
“No, not until I see Nick,” Lizz continued her protest.
“Sweetie, there isn’t time, you have to go now,” Kyung gently argued. “I will
make sure either Brian or myself tell him what’s going on and keep him
informed, okay? You don’t have a choice in this.”
Kyung paced back and forth around the surgical waiting room in Tulsa. A familiar sensation of de ja vú filled her and she sighed. It was the waiting that was the worst. Well, that and the “what-ifs?” Kyung tried to force herself not to even go there. Lizz wasgoing to be okay. Finally, out of sheer boredom she sat down on one of the hard, plastic couches and tried to watch some TV. How boring, the news.
“Nick, would it be okay if AJ and I went down to the cafeteria for a little bit?” Brian asked.
Nick nodded and even smiled a little. He was so worried about Brian. Nick knew Brian was totally exhausted, but was too determined to stay by his best friend’s side than take care of himself. If going to the cafeteria meant getting some food into him, then Nick was all for it. He concentrated on making his next word come out right. “Eat!”
Brian chuckled. “I will don’t worry.” He looked pleased that Nick was getting better at expressing his thoughts.
“You looklike you need to eat something. How are you even standing?” AJ stared at Brian.
Brian just shrugged. “No choice in the matter.” He turned his attention back to Nick. “Have your nurse page me if you need anything, okay bud?”
Nick nodded at the TV. “Watch TV, go eat!” He ordered with a grin. Okay, so maybe it didn’t come out crystal clear, but he was definitely getting better.
AJ glanced up at Nick’s TV. “Yeah, news, how exciting.” He muttered. Then he grinned. “Isn’t Jerry Springer on?”
Brian groaned. “Let’s go.” They both walked out and headed for the cafeteria.
“Okay, what did I just miss? Why did he just look upset?” AJ asked.
“As usual, when he saw me, he asked if he could go see Lizz...” Brian started.
“Lizz?” AJ interrupted.
“The girl that Nick talked to right before he took those pills. She drank that medicine and nearly died!” Brian exclaimed, exasperated.
“Sorry! I forgot her name that’s all.” AJ held up his hands.
“Anyway, they finally got a kidney for her. Only...” Brian paused.
“Only...” AJ prompted. He could tell whatever this was, it wasn’t good.
“The kidney is coming from a girl that killed herself after reading what was in the Enquiror.” Brian said quietly.
“Holy shit.” AJ murmured. “That’s bad.”
Brian nodded. “Lizz was asking who the donor was. I told her everything except for how she died. Nick doesn’t know either. I’m afraid of how they are going to react when they find out. They both blame themselves for this and thismight set either one of them or both of them over the edge.”
AJ shook his head sadly.
Kyung barely paid attention to the newscaster explaining the increase in gas prices. She ignored the latest from the White House. When the weather came on, she felt her heart tug. She knew how fascinated with weather Lizz was. She would watch The Weather Channel for fun, claiming that she couldn’t turn it because “the local forecast was coming up.” And if it had to do with thunderstorms or tornadoes, Lizz would be glued to the screen. That was, of course, if she wasn’t out chasing them. She was so full of life. And just plain full of it too. Always getting into some kind of trouble. Kyung shook her head of the thoughts. She was notgoing to start crying. Again.
“Breaking news from the Backstreet Tragedy!”
Kyung’s attention immediately snapped to the TV screen.
“The horror continues to unfold as a young girl’s life ends.” The newscaster stated gravely, yet with a trace of excitement.
“It has been reported that a girl in St. Louis, Missouri has taken her life after hearing that her favorite Backstreet Boy will no longer be the same.”
Nick stared in horror at the screen. He had almost changed the station from the boring grey-weathered forecast, when this new bulletin had come on.
“To recap, Nick Carter, of the world famous pop group, the Backstreet Boys, attempted to take his life only a couple short weeks ago. He was reportedly on the internet at the time and told an online friend over aol that he didn’t want to live. Out of desperation, the girl, Lizz Hulford, threatened to drink a bottle of medication in order to stop Carter. Her efforts proved futile when both ended up in a hospital in Oklahoma City, in critical condition. After several seizures and even a stroke, Carter is in little more than a vegetative state. Only recently has he regained minimal motor and speech skills. Hulford lost her kidneys and needed a transplant in order to live.”
Brian and AJ stared at the TV in the cafeteria. It had been fairly noisy in there, but as soon as this broadcast came on, it had quieted down. It was becoming rather well-known that both Nick and previously Lizz were being treated here.
“Where the hell did they get all this information?!” Demanded Brian angrily.
AJ gave Brian a look as if to say, “you really have to ask?” Nearly every detail of their lives were thrust into the public eye.
“The National Enquiror recently printed an article on the subject. A fan, who’s name we cannot disclose at this time, was devastated and has taken her life.” The report continued.
“Oh god!” Brian jumped up. “What if Nick is watching this?!”
Simultaneously AJ and Brian took off in a sprint towards the elevators.
Nick’s heart was pounding and he started to feel sick. First Lizz, now this girl. Her life was over because of him! He started to shake and he barely noticed the tears streaming out of his eyes. He tried to will his body to move, but it wouldn’t obey him. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t take it. He needed Brian. He started to push the call button, but he was stopped by the sudden lack of air that he was experiencing. His whole body was trembling now and he couldn’t seem to get any air. The panic was overwhelming him.
Kyung sat glued to the TV. She couldn’t believe she was watching this. Immediately she was concerned that there was a remote possibility that Nick could be seeing this. She thanked God that Lizz wasn’t. Kyung knew that it would be really bad if either Lizz or Nick found out about the suicide. She wanted to call Brian, but couldn’t tear herself away from the TV. She remained glued to it, unaware of the sudden emergency in the operating room.
Kyung hesitantly pushed open the door to Lizz's room in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. The lighting was dim and the hiss of the ventilator could be heard, along with the steady beeps of the heart monitor. Kyung pulled a chair close to the side of the bed and sank into it. Lizz still hadn't woken up yet and other than the tube that was in her mouth, she looked peaceful.
As she watched Lizz sleep, Kyung’s thoughts drifted to what had happened in the past weeks. How unbelievable it all was. She couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen now. Everyone’s lives had changed so much because of all this. What would all of this do to the Backstreet Boys? Especially Nick. Kyung felt encouraged that he was expected to make a full recovery, but she also knew it would take time. Not to mention he would always have to take seizure medications, according to that doctor. What concerned her the most, however, was the psychological damage that all this might have on Nick. How was he going to react when he found out about the girl that donated Lizz’s kidney and now lungs?
Kyung’s attention shifted to Lizz. Lizz was a strong person, but this was more than she had ever had to deal with before. Her life was going to be changed drastically in more ways than one. She in the world’s spotlight as The Girl Who Followed Nick Carter’s Suicide Attempt. There were still all kinds of different speculations as to why she did it. It was anywhere from Lizz being an obsessive fan to a torrid affair with Nick. This might be something that could follow her wherever she goes. In addition to all that, providing her body didn’t reject her new organs, Lizz now had a new lease on life. She now could think about having a family, a solid career, even retiring someday without that little doubt in the back of her head. Lizz had always remained positive and confident that she would reach an old age, much for the benefit of those around her as well as for her own sake. Kyung, being her best friend, knew that she had days where she felt discouraged, but she always managed to push it away. Lizz often told Kyung that God put her on this earth for a reason. She was going to live up to it. Now she was going to be able to do it without the burden of compromised health. If she could get through this...
Kyung sighed. It was amazing to her how much Lizz and Nick were alike. And not all of it was complimentary. They were both ornery and stubborn as hell. They made reckless decisions without bothering to think about themselves. Kyung didn’t even want to think about Lizz going to see Nick on her own and ending up tearing her stitches. Nor did she want to remember Nick going to see Lizz and then having a seizure right then and there. But on the other hand, it wasn’t all bad. They were both two of the most sensitive people she had ever known. The entire time that they had both been in the hospital, they didn’t seem to give much of a damn about what was going on with themselves. Instead they were always asking about each other or Brian or herself. She knew Lizz would have given anything to make everything okay, no matter the cost. She knew Nick would have done the same.
Kyung’s thoughts drifted back to what was going on in OKC. She was a little concerned about leaving Brian. He still hadn’t been sleeping or eating enough and she didn’t want him to pass out again. She smiled sardonically when she realized that she wasn’t doing a whole lot better herself. She hadn’t eaten since sometime yesterday morning. And that was just a banana and a half a glass of orange juice. She slipped her hand through Lizz’s and continued to worry.
Nick opened his eyes and shifted them around the room slowly, finally landing on AJ and then Brian. They had both been waiting by his bed anxiously to wake up. The resident had left not even ten minutes ago.
“Nick, how ya feeling?” Brian asked softly.
“Yeah, man, you scared the hell out of us.” AJ added.
“What...?” Nick whispered. The sedation hadn’t completely worn off and he still looked pretty out of it.
Brian glanced at AJ uncomfortably, not sure how to answer Nick. He didn’t want to say that he had a panic attack and then Nick want to know why. But what was the use in trying to hide it? Nick would have to know sooner or later.
“You had a panic attack.” AJ said quietly.
Nick’s eyes widened. The expression on his face changed from one of confusion to despair.
Brian’s heart fell. “You saw the news huh?” He asked quietly.
Nick nodded, the tears coming.
“Nick...” Brian started. Nick just shook his head miserably. “No, Nick, listen to me. You cannotlet this tear you apart. Do you hear me? You have come too far in this. You’ve just started getting better. The doctor’s say you are going to make a full recovery. You can’t give up now.” Brian said emphatically.
“But Lizz...and her...” Nick whispered.
“It’s awful that that happened, but you can’t dwell on that. You have to learn from it. By giving up you won’t help anyone. There are too many people that need you.” AJ said.
Nick shook his head. “No one...” His voice was barely audible.
Brian stopped him. “Yes they do! You family needs you, your fans need you, the Backstreet Boys need you. I need you, Nick. And what about Lizz? She needs you. You two have barely been able to talk to each other since this happened, but you have been helping each other more than you know. You haveto keep fighting.”
Nick nodded. He didn’t look totally convinced, but he did look a little better. He scrunched up his face in concentration. After a moment he asked quietly, “Lizz?”
“She’s in Tulsa getting the transplant, remember? The surgery was supposed to last just a few hours so she should be out...” Brian stopped and checked his watch. His jaw dropped. “Crap.” He turned to AJ and spoke softly. “She should have been out hours ago and Kyung promised to call as soon as she was out!”
“Don’t fret yet, maybe Kyung forgot. I’m sure it’s kind of crazy down there.” AJ tried to calm the urgency in Brian’s voice.
Nick watched the exchange nervously. They were speaking too softly for him to hear what they were saying, but he knew it was bad when he saw the look on Brian’s face. “What?!” He demanded loudly.
Brian glanced at Nick. “Ah, nothing. I’m going to page Kyung to call me back. We can find out how she is.” He pulled out his cell phone and dialed the numbers. They waited quietly for a few minutes. Nick was getting worried. He didn’t know how long he was out for, but it seemed like Lizz had left many hours ago. A kidney transplant shouldn’t have taken this long should it?
“I hope everything is going smoothly there. Kyung was telling me that they knew a lot of people in Tulsa and she hoped it wouldn’t be a chaotic mess like it was here. She did say that Lizz wanted to come here after the surgery. She was pissed that she didn’t get to say bye to you, Nick.” Brian said.
“Will they transfer her back here?” AJ asked.
Brian shrugged. Nick looked like he was ready to say something, but then Brian’s cell chirped.
AJ and Nick’s attention was totally focused on Brian as he answered his cell
phone. Although they hung on every word on Brian’s end of the conversation,
neither were able to decipher what was happening with Lizz.
“Lizz is out of surgery and in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit,” Brian said as
he closed his cell phone up.
“And?” AJ pressed for more information.
“And so far it appears that the transplants were successful,” Brian replied.
Nick slowly formed the words to his question. “Is....she.....awake?”
Brian shook his head no. “I’m afraid not yet, they have her pretty sedated
and she’s on a ventilator.”
Nick started shaking his head, his eyes filling with tears.
“Nick, it’s probably common after surgery. They said they were able to give
Lizz new lungs from the same body so I’m assuming they put people on a
ventilator after a lung transplant,” Brian suggested.
“It’s all my fault,” Nick said quietly.
“No it’s not,” Brian replied, rubbing Nick’s shoulder.
“My fault,” Nick mumbled quietly. Deep down he felt that there was nothing
that Brian or AJ could say or do that would make him change his mind about
shouldering the blame for what happened to Lizz.
I watched Kyung as she talked to Brian and prayed that it would work out. I just needed to hear Nick’s voice, that’s all.
“Okay...okay...” Kyung was smiling now. She looked at me. “You have a couple minutes, but then you need to get your pain meds.”
I blinked twice indicating that I would be satisfied with that. I was hurting something fierce, but right now that was not priority. Kyung leaned over and positioned the phone to my ear.
“Hello? Lizz?” Nick asked quietly. “I know...you can’t talk back...” He spoke slowly. “I’ve been worried bout you.”
My eyes filled with tears. It felt so good to hear him talking.
“I, uh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry...that you have to go through this...” His voice broke.
I shut my eyes, the tears streaming down my cheeks. God, there was so much I wanted to say to him. That this was my fault, not his. That he shouldn’t say that, shouldn’t beat himself up for this. I should have been able to stop this from happening. I didn’t blame him in the slightest. I just wanted him to keep fighting and not ever give up. To be strong for me.
“As soon as I can...Lizz, I am going to be there. Okay?” He said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Lizz, I need to give you your medication now.” My nurse told me. I started to shake my head, but stopped when it sent shooting pains all through me. I threw a pleading look at Kyung, but she wasn’t much help either. Damn it, I didn’t care how bad I was hurting, I wanted to keep talking to Nick. Well, listening anyway.
“Lizz, I heard your nurse. I’ll talk to you soon okay? Be strong for me. Keep the faith.” Nick encouraged softly. More tears filled my eyes. Be strong for me.I nodded into the phone.
Kyung reached over and took the phone back. “Nick?...Oh okay...” She glanced at Lizz, who was watching her with tear-filled eyes. “Yeah, she’s fine. A little teary, but I think it helped her. How’s Nick?...The news, why? Oh shit, he saw it didn’t he?” Kyung murmured. She looked at Lizz again to see if she had heard, but she was starting to nod off. “I can imagine. I’m afraid to tell Lizz. I don't know how she is going to take it. Especially now. I know she will try to put the blame on herself. The way they are both trying shoulder all the blame isn’t healthy...I kinda get the idea that Lizz thinks that if she takes all the blame it will somehow be easier on Nick. I bet he is doing the same thing...i know. Hey, I need to make a few phone calls. Will you let me know if there is any change?...Okay, bye Brian.” Kyung finally asked as she looked at the clock on the wall. Lizz was asleep now so she decided to see if she could catch a few moments herself.
As soon as Nick said his good-bye to Lizz, he handed the phone back to Brian. Then he covered his eyes and tried unsuccessfully to keep from crying. AJ rubbed his shoulder, while watching Brian.
“No, it’s Brian.” He said into the phone. “Is she okay?...” Brian shifted his gaze to Nick. “He’s the same I think. Oh, I would recommend keeping Lizz from watching the news.” Brian stated carefully, keeping his voice very soft. He didn’t want Nick to hear what he was talking about. He wanted to avoid that whole subject. “...Yeah, unfortunately. It was pretty bad...I know. Neither one of them will listen to any of us either....I think you are right, but they need to let go of it before it totally consumes them....Yeah, same with you....Bye Kyung.” Brian flipped his phone shut and turned back to AJ and Nick.
“Bri, can I use your laptop?” Nick asked as soon as Brian had hung up.
“Uh...I don’t think so.” Brian shook his head.
“C’mon, like I would do that to yours!” Nick exclaimed.
Brian pondered it a moment. He never let Nick use his computer because out of anger, Nick had thrown his own across the room a few months ago. The poor thing was never the same. Brian didn’t want his laptop to meet the same demise. However when he looked at Nick’s pleading eyes, he caved.
“Yeah, I guess so, but why? What’s wrong with yours?” He asked hesitantly.
“I have an idea.” Nick started. He glanced at AJ. “I have a huge favor to ask of you.”
“What?” AJ asked warily.
“I need you to take my laptop to Lizz. Just until she can come back here again. So we can keep talking.” Nick explained.
“All the way to Tulsa?!” AJ didn’t look thrilled at the idea.
“Please AJ? This is really important. It’s only a two hour drive.” Nick pleaded.
AJ sighed in defeat. “You owe me big, man.”
Nick smiled. “Brian, will you call Kyung back?”
Brian nodded, inwardly pleased that Nick’s spirits seemed to have improved. He would do anything to help Nick. He dialed the phone. After a quick conversation Brian hung up and told Nick and AJ the plan. Kyung had agreed to meet AJ in Stroud which was about halfway between OKC and Tulsa. About a half hour after that, the plan was in motion.
I had the back of my bed elevated a little so I could see Nick’s laptop. When I woke up I was thrilled when Kyung told me about Nick’s idea. I didn’t even mind being alone for a few hours so Kyung could meet AJ to pick it up. I wasn’t sure what time it was when I talked to Nick, but I knew it was pretty early in the day. It was dark now, but it wasn’t too late. Just an hour ago they had taken out the vent, much to my relief. I was on oxygen now and my throat hurt like a bitch, but anything to have that tube out of me. Kyung had just set up the laptop for me and positioned it so I could see it easily. It hurt to sit up this much (and I was barely even sitting up), but I didn’t dare complain. I was too happy to get to talk to Nick.
“All set babe?” She asked as she keyed in the password to sign it onto the internet.
I nodded impatiently, but smiled at her. She was an angel.
As soon as it said I was connected I signed on to aol instant messenger. I paused for a moment before choosing a name. I definitely wouldn’t use the one I had before. I never wanted to see that one again. I chose another. Then something occurred to me. How would he know I was on? I had his computer which had his buddy lists, which had all my screen names on them. I decided to just start putting in names that I knew of his. Finally, after four tries, I found him.
Oceans My Mirror:hey!!
Nick Cartman:lizz!
Oceans My Mirror:how are you doin?
Nick Cartman:doin better. how are you?
I wasn’t about to tell him how much pain I was in, but to tell ya the truth, that was actually of little significance right now. I was finally talking to Nick and that was what mattered.
Oceans My Mirror:doin pretty good, considering lol. it was so good to hear your voice earlier. I was gonna ask you to sing for me, but I decided to be nice and let ya off the hook this time.
Nick Cartman:lol thanks
Nick Cartman:I’m not sure I can even remember all the words yet. my brain is still screwed up
Oceans My Mirror:it’ll come back to ya. so how are you reallydoing?
Nick Cartman:its hard. I cant even think about that girl.
That girl? What did he mean? Terri?
Oceans My Mirror:what do you mean?
Nick Cartman:I don’t know how to handle it. first you, now this girl commits suicide.
My jaw dropped. Suicide?!Oh god, my donor. She killed herself. Oh god. My fault too. Oh god.
Nick Cartman:it’s gonna take some time for us to get over this, ya
know? i mean with that girl killing herself and stuff i really do blame myself
but i guess we have to look at the good that came from this, right?
I hit enter and waited for Lizz to reply. It seemed to be taking her forever
to respond but I figured it was because she was weak. A few minutes went
by and nothing was returned.
Nick Cartman:Lizz? are ye alive?
I was starting to wonder if the AOL messenger was messed up. That was
always a typical thing. I rebooted the messenger and tried again.
Nick Cartman:yo! Lizzard....hello???
I looked up as Brian entered the room, smiling from ear to ear. “So, Nick,
how’s the chat going?”
“She’s not answering, something’s wrong,” I replied, staring at the screen.
“Something’s very wrong. Call Kyung!”
“Nick, calm down, she’s using yourlaptop, remember? Maybe it finally
died, I mean those things aren’t made to be thrown across rooms,” Brian
observed.
I shook my head. “No, something’s really wrong Brian, call her now!”
“Okay, okay, just calm down,” Brian said as he opened his cell phone and
started to punch the numbers in.
I managed to watch Brian’s face and look at the laptop screen
simultaneously. I could see worry start to spread across his face.
As the cell phone kept ringing, Brian grew worried. This was not like Kyung,
she usually picked up by the second ring.
“What’s wrong? Something’s happened, oh god,” I moaned. I knew something
was definately wrong now by the look on Brian’s face.
“It’s busy,” Brian lied as he disconnected the number. He punched in a new
set of numbers. “I’ll just try her pager, she should be calling me within a few
minutes.”
I nodded as I continued to stare at the screen, waiting for Lizz to answer
me.
I shook my head. I couldn’t believe he was here.
“What?” Nick asked me.
I grinned at him. “Just you being here. You look great.”
He smiled back. “I’m feeling a lot better. Still the slow days, but ya know how it is.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I still can’t get used to the idea of new lungs. I’m not 100% yet, but still, it blows my mind. Plus, now I have a cool looking battle scar.” I nodded down to where the incision traveled halfway down my chest.
Brian raised an eyebrow. “Cool looking?” That wasn’t what he had expected to hear either.
I laughed. “Ya know...”
At that moment Kyung walked in. I had totally forgotten that she went to the cafeteria. Her eyes lit up when she saw Brian and Nick. “I take you made it here okay?”
I shot her an accusing glare. “You were in on this too?”
She smirked at me. “Yeah, what are ya gonna do about it?”
“Body slam you.”
Nick cracked up. “You and your threats of body slamming! Have you followed through on one of those threats yet?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Want to be the first?”
He laughed harder.
Brian watched us all, shaking his head. I saw that he was trying to keep from laughing.
“You think that’s funny?! Step in line!” I tossed at him.
That did it. We were all laughing. Finally Brian stood up, giving Kyung pointed looks, and announced that he was going to take a walk. Kyung hastily agreed and they left Nick and I alone.
“Wow, I know we have talked about everyday, but you being here is just...wow. An awesome surprise.” I finished. I couldn’t stop smiling.
“That’s the idea.” He replied. “So where’s your parents?”
My parents had finally found out about two and a half weeks ago. They saw it on the news. Believe it or not. All of Kyung attempts to get ahold of them and then they see it on the news. They were in a mild state of shock when they got here. I was relieved that I had had the surgery a couple of days before so I was looking better. We had some long talks and since then, they had been up here as much as possible.
“They went to get something to eat.”
“You mean they left??” Nick kidded. He was well aware of how I was starting to go a little crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I was more than happy that they were here, but I was starting to feel suffocated.
“No joke.” I rolled my eyes.
There was a moment of quiet. Then Nick spoke, his voice quiet. “Do you ever just sit back and think about the whole thing? About why the things happened the way they did or what would have happened if it didn’t happen that way?”
I nodded. “Constantly. If I hadn’t signed on when I did. Terri and that damned tabloid. If that girl hadn’t read that, she wouldn’t have...and I probably wouldn’t be here. I don’t know what to think about that. If none of this would have happened, I wouldn’t have new lungs. But you wouldn’t have had to go through all this. I would never want you to go through this, even if that did mean dying younger than I would now. But if this had never happened, there might have been another time ya know? Another time that you might have tried something and what if no one was there that time? But now after all this, so much as changed...Am I making any sense?”
Nick nodded. “Complete sense. I hate that I have affected so many people because of what I did. But like you said, it might have happened again. But now, after seeing what the consequences are, I would never go down that road again.” He stopped and bowed his head. “But why did this have to be such an expensive lesson?” He whispered.
I reached over and put my hand on his. “Because those are the ones that are the most well-learned. Nick, you aren’t the only one who learned something. Everyone affected did. We’re stronger because of this. You know that right?”
He looked up at me and nodded.
“We’ve still got a way’s to go. And not just physically. The world is going to remember this for awhile. We can’t let what people say, get to us. We’ll get through this, all the way.”
Nick showed a hint of a smile. “Damn Lizz, you sound like Brian.”
I grinned. “Thanks.” My eyelids starting feeling heavy, but I fought it. I was so happy to see Nick, I didn’t want to go to sleep now. But Nick noticed.
“Lizz, you need to rest.”
I shook my head, feeling more and more drowsy.