I couldn't sleep and found myself waking up multiple times during the night because of it. Finally I just stayed awake I was so fed up with it. Then I heard Justin's voice. It startled me, but he sensed that I was awake and heard him. "Nicole, can you please just tell me what's wrong?" he begged. I turned to face him and replied: "I want to tell you but it's too complicated. Do you really want to know Justin?"
"Yes, I think we should work it out if you need help," he said calmly. How could he be so calm at a time like this? "Well, I went to the doctor's because of my throwing up," I began. Then I stopped until he implored for more. "So what did the doctor find? Is it bad?" Justin asked. "No, well the doctor actually found that I was pregnant," I answered. Justin didn't talk for a few moments, and I noticed that I had my eyes shut tight from being scared; I opened them. Almost immediately Justin hugged me and yelled: "This is great!" I was surprised. "Are you sure? I mean Justin, honey your career," I said unhappily. His expression drooped. He had realized I was right. He was only 19 and now a father. "Forget my career. I can still have it. Besides, this is the right thing to do, I can feel it," he answered. It was like putting and end to all my fears of wanting that baby. Yet I still had this uneasy emotion in my stomach, gripping and fighting with me.
"Maybe we should think about it some more, Justin I mean I was afraid to tell you anyway because of me. I'm sorry Justin but I don't know if I want the baby or not," I told him reluctantly. Justin went silent for a moment, almost to let everything sink in. "Well, Nicole. No matter how much I think the baby would be a good thing for us, I have to respect your decision not to want it. After all you're the one having it, not me," he said. Then he turned back around and went to sleep. All I could do was lay there in bed and weep. I was so confused I had no idea what to do.
The next time I opened my eyes, it was morning-- 6:31am to be exact. Justin hadn't woken up yet and I didn't disturb him. We had to leave at 8am that morning to make a plane that would bring us to Florida. My real home. It was where I could find solace in Justin's embrace. I had showered, dressed, and ordered room service by the time Justin woke up.
As usual he didn't speak till he got his cereal so I hoped room service would come soon. If you asked me, the tiny ritual of his was dumb. However, I had respected it since we were 11 years old. Why I'll never know. The cereal came 10 minutes later and then finally I initiated a conversation.
"Morning Justin," I said. I didn't know how else to talk to him all of a sudden. "Good morning," he replied taking a bite of cereal. "Have you given any more thought to the baby?" Justin suddenly asked me. I was caught off guard. "Yeah, a little bit. But honey don't you think we should cover every option first? I don't want to do something we'll regret," I explained to him.
"I agree Nicole. It's just I want this baby because it's a part of me. I think it's happening this way for a reason," he told me. He got up from the chair where he was seated and sat next to me where I was on the bed. "Justin what about *N SYNC? What about your career? Not to mention how much money this will all cost!" I cried. Justin nodded and then replied: "I don't know. I can still have *N SYNC, you'll just have to be out of the spotlight all the time. But I don't want that for you Nicole. I want to show the world the love of my life,"
It was sweet what he said. Was I really the love of his life? More importantly is he even capable of knowing what love is? "Maybe Justin. I still don't know. It'll take a lot of work and you're never home half the time, I mean you live out of suitcases!" I said. He knew and agreed to my point. "But I think that if we do this right, Justin, we can do anything," I replied. Maybe having the baby wouldn't be so bad after all.
Since we had decided together that the baby would be a good thing, we could tell all our friends and family. We told JC, Joey, Lance, and Chris the next week at dinner, when touring was done. They were all happy for us, and Lance did a good job of looking surprised. If Justin knew that Lance knew before him…
"Well, are y'all gonna get married now?" JC asked. I hadn't thought of marriage-I just thought it would be better to put that idea on the backburner. "Um, well we really haven't discussed that," Justin said for me. "That's okay, no rush-I mean who wants to rush into marriage that young?" Chris said. Now I felt like me and Justin weren't doing this right. We have a baby but no ring on my finger.
That night as we were being driven from Virginia to South Carolina. As we passed the state line to North Carolina, Justin asked me about marriage. What I wanted in life. I wasn't sure because I hadn't spent all my time dealing with that. After I thought of it I said:
"Yeah I want to get married someday, and then live together in a huge house with white all over. Live just you, me and the kids we might have. You don't think that's stupid Justin?" Justin held me close and smiled. " No, we have more common interests than you know. Anything you want, Nicole you can have," he replied as we fell asleep on the couch, holding hands...