For the next three days I didn't talk. I was in a shock that even scared me. It was just that I didn't feel like talking-not to anyone. My mother had come with me to the wake, to the funeral. She just stayed with me. I didn't want that. I wanted to be with someone I was closer with. Someone that understood me a lot better. My mother had become cold hearted these past few years because of a second bad marriage. That was why I called Justin. It hardly phased me that he may never call me back. He had made it big in the group he was in. There wasn't a station he hadn't been on, a venue he hadn't played. So his busy agenda hadn't crossed my mind. I just had a prayer in my heart that he would call back.
I had this emptiness inside me now. Rich had been my first for everything in a relationship. Now I just felt like I knew nothing about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Rich and I had been together for over 4 years, and I had planned on most likely marrying him. But that was the least of my problematic hurt. I blamed myself for what Rich did to himself. I felt that if I had been there for him more, or followed him when he had left my house instead of taking a nap, that none of this would have happened. I dropped out of school for a while. When I went back everyone said they were sorry it happened. I would walk through the halls and all I could hear were whispers that I just knew were about me. Justin called me back about two weeks after I left the message. I had scheduled to meet him in New York City. I didn't even mention Rich to him. I doubt he could simulate sympathy over the phone. So three weeks after his death I made a drive to New York.
I stopped at a liquor store on the way there. I wanted to drown away my sorrows and I was all cried out. They let me buy the beer despite the fact that my ID read that I was 18. I got back in my car and took a sip. It tasted awful but I drank it till it was gone. "One beer can won't hurt me," I said to myself. I turned on the ignition and drove until I decided to stop off at a motel for the night. I slept restlessly but I felt comforted by the recurring dreams of my youth where Justin and I had played, hugged, kissed.
I woke up the next day with one person on my mind-Justin. I missed him. Even more now because Rich was gone. But I missed Rich as well. He was gone forever and I never got to say goodbye. I left the motel and walked sulkily to my car. My mother hadn't sent me to therapy for Rich's death, even though every night I woke up screaming for him. Even though I said I needed it. I hated my mother for that. All she could do was say: "Please get over it, the pain will go away I'm sure," She never was that compassionate. I guess she just never knew how. Hours went by before I made it to New York City. I purposely delayed myself when I finally made it. I didn't want to have to revisit Rich's death.
The next day I met Justin at the hotel he was at. He was taking his day off, so he was with all of the guys just like the last time I saw them. I mumbled hellos and they returned them, only quickly enough to inform Justin that they were meeting at a bar later on. Justin nodded and we were alone. "So how've you been Nicole?" he asked as we sat down on a couch. "I've been better. The past few weeks have been horrible," I replied. He took my hand and stroked it back and forth. "Tell me Nicole. I'm here for you," he said staring me in the eyes. I didn't talk at first, but then I re-enacted the whole situation. He listened and gave me a hug. A long hug that made me feel better, made me forget that Rich was gone. "Come on Nicole. You shouldn't be alone, so come out with me and the guys. You'll have fun," Justin suggested to me. Finally I answered: "Okay, Justin Randall I'll go," Justin looked at me the way he did the first time we discussed the name thing. I didn't care anymore. If I wanted to call him "Randall" then I could, right?
At the nightclub everyone I met years ago were there. I sat next to Justin and Chris was on the other side of him. We were squeezed into a little booth. Justin had his arm around me. I talked to Justin a bit more before Joey began to chat me up. He was flirting with me! I tried not to let him know I thought he was cute, but he was acting so smooth. Chris and Justin got up from the booth and went onto the dance floor. Lance and Joey got up and made their way to the bar a few minutes later, that left me to sit with JC. "Why aren't you dancing with the rest of them?" I asked him. He gave a shrug. "I just don't feel like it. I'm kinda missing my girlfriend back home. Her name's Vanessa," JC said sighing. I knew exactly how he felt. Missing someone hurt, and it seemed as though JC missed this Vanessa girl a lot. Joey came back with tequila in hand, one for me, and two for him. I sipped on it, then finished it off. I decided I needed to have some fun. I had to move on and focus on the future. So I stood up, grabbed JC and took him to the dance floor. "I don't feel like dancing Nicole!" he said to me. "It'll be fun JC. Please?" I asked. I danced with him for one song then he let Justin cut in. Justin held me in closer than JC did, gently caressing my fear and wounds away. I fell into his arms in a trance like state and we moved as one. I shut my eyes and ran my fingers through his brownish-blonde curls. I didn't know why I was doing this. It felt right somehow. I was with Justin, but in my mind I was with Rich all over again.