The clock beside my bed glowed a neon green with the time, 12:47am. I sighed and turned over again. My mind was a clutter of things to do the next day. I knew I should just close my eyes and force myself to sleep. Yet, something kept me up.

Something-- or was it someone?

What had she said her name was?

Vanessa Lynn

The moment I walked in she had taken me by suprise. Yet, it was not just her physicial appearance which made me take a second look.

No.

Yes, she was gorgeous. Soft, thick, glossy spiral curls, cropped Halle Berry style. She wore black capris and a black tank top that showed off her curvacious body. Her skin was smooth, with a honeyed tan.

But it was not that. It was her coolness. Damn, it was how she just took it. I screamed at her, my firey temper raged. And she just took it. I offended her. And she just took it. In doing so for once she made me feel like and idiot, like a child that had just thrown a tantrum, and lost.

Then after she let me make a fool of myself, she calmly explained the situation.

The more cool and composed she was the more angry and hyper I had become.

But now, hours later in bed, I was angry in a different way. Now I was angry that she would not get out of my mind, she had been running through it since the moment she opened her precious mouth.

I wonder how it tastes

Slowly, the more my mind tended on thinking about her, fantasies of her began to evolve. By the time my alarm by alarm went off that morning I had recieved fewer than 5 hours of sleep, all of which had been with her.

I was insanley desirous of a woman I did not even know...

I don't know why you care
Why you thinkin 'bout him mama
He doesn't even know you're there
He ain't even knowin' that you're there
Cause he don't love your eyes
Nah
And he don't love your smile...

The tape replayed from the studio recordings we had just taken a break from. It had been hours working on that song. I looked up at the clock that read 5:24 pm. We had been there since 8 that morning, and I was at my wits end.

If I had to sing,"... won't you be my girlfriend..." one more time, I was going to lose it. Everything in that studio had begun to irritate me.

"Yo, yo, JC, watch what Chris is doing, this is so damn funny." the heavy Italian, Joey, laughed heartily.

I glanced quickly, unamused at Chris who was doing something with a pen and his chin. I nodded and turned back to staring in to space, "That's great Chris..." I muttered.

That only made Joey laugh more and go on to try it for himself. I rolled my eyes.

Then out of the speakers my voice picked up on the second verse.

Does he know what you feel
Does he know what you feel
Are you sure that it's real... yeah-ay-yeah
Are you sure?
Does he ease your mind
No
Or does he break your stride
C'mon
Did you know that love could be a sheild... yeah
The middle of the night....

My stomach turned as I listened to my vocals, I was so tired of hearing them. I took another sip of my evian water and stared straight ahead at my reflection in the studio glass.

"Jc... you alright man?"Lance asked coming into the room with some more water for the other guys.

"I'm fine!" I shot back never looking up at the 21 year old blond. In the reflection of the glass I could see the other guys in the group shrug at my response.

I needed out, out of the business, out of the group... but before that I could handle just getting out of the room. Without any notice to the other men I stood up and headed toward the door.

"Where are you going?"Joey asked as "Girlfriend" came to an end,"We still have to work on this track some more."

I did not respond to his question and slipped out of the room. I ran through the studio, past the glass doors, past secretaries, other artists, managers, agents, and finally past security, outside to the fresh evening air. It was November and a little cooler than usually but the Orlando climate kept it warm.

I sighed heavily and leaned against the wall of the building. What was wrong with me? In just months, I had lost my girlfriend, the close relationship with my bandmates, had distanced myself from my family, and had lost my sanity and composure. Normally I was JC, the levelheaded one out of the group (besides Lance...but moreso). But something in me had changed. Inside I had the feeling that something bigger, better was out there for me. And there was a solution to this monatonous routine of pop life, there was something real, out there, that could bring back the real JC, but what?

Suddenly the double doors into the studio burst open from the inside and out ran Justin,"JC?"he cried. From his breathing I could tell that he had been running around searching for me.

"That's my name... don't--"I began without any tone in my voice at all.

"What the hell is wrong with you man?" Justin cried, not letting me finish,"I'm sorry J, but this is ridiculous, for months you've been draggin your bummed out ass around, like you just lost your best friend. And we're all sick of it!"

"Let's talk later." I said, looking ahead at nothing.

"No!" he stated plainly.

I was a little taken back by the determination in his voice as he just straight out defied me,"Excuse Me?" I asked straightening up from my slumped position against the wall.

"No." he said again,"If we don't talk about this now, when are we going to?"

I answered with just a shrug.

"Damnit JC! Don't just shrug! Talk to me! " Justin shrieked, "We are falling apart man, none of us can make it with out the other. And its not like it's a secret, all the guys realize there is something wrong with you. And god it kills me to say this, but you know, even if some of the fans don't realize it, but you are the glue in the group. You keep us mentally and vocally together, or no pun intended, in synch! Man, is this about Bobbi? 'Cause if that's it man, we can help you through it. I know its not drugs 'cause if you had them, it wouldn't be that hard to figure out..."

"Justin, I dunno, I'm not even sure what it is... maybe it is Bobbi, maybe it's the recording, maybe the loss of a private life, I really don't know." I sighed, "But, when I figure out what it is, I'll tell you."

"Maybe..." Justin thought for a moment,"Maybe... the guys and I could take you out, hook you up on a date or something. Man you need out, need to have some fun and relax. Help to get over her or whatever you are going through. I know its hard... playing the celebrity, when we all know that we are all too small town learned to even be celebrity material. I think JC... you need a girl, someone to get you grounded......"Justin paused,"Hey, Joey's got a friend..."

"Joey?" I laughed.

Justin smirked,"See I got you to smile, THE GREAT JRT made hermit JC smile!"

I shrugged, "I'll think about it..."

He nodded and patted me on the shoulder,"Hey... we're gettin' somewhere JC..." and with that he turned and went back inside.

"A girlfriend?" I whispered questioning myself. Hadn't I just done that? And finally gotten over it... or had I? But immediately as I searched my mind for girlfriend material it settle on one... the one I had spent all last night fantasizing over. The one who's life I had made a miserable hell, and had been completely turned on by her cool composure.

"C'mon JC." I murmured to myself. I didn't even know her, was she married? Had she called herself Miss or Mrs. No, she had just said Vanessa Lynn...right?

I sighed again heavily, who was I trying to kid by trying to use Justin and the rest of the guys self help tactics. I just needed a break, a really really long break.

When I turned the key in the keyhole to my apartment my watch had read 10:45pm. I was prepared to go in, get a shower and say "goodnight".

Yet, I had not expected to walk in and see the lights still on.

"Aren't they supposed to turn off everything when they leave?" I muttered to myself. Maybe they were trying to raise my electric bill as payback for my episode the day before I thought to myself.

I walked in and was about to shut the living room lights off when I saw a figure crouched in the corner.

"Excuse me?" I called.

The figure shot up suddenly, startled.

"Ms Lynn?" I asked, even though the question had an obvious answer,"Why are you still here?" I asked.

"Oh... Mr. Chasez" she did not sound as friendly and welcoming as she had the first day we met, of course after the ordeal I had put her through, I could see that she had every right not to, "I stayed after today... I started to get to work on my part of the project. See, the employees they only do the big things, painting the wall for example, I do the little, difficult and crucial details... That's what makes me the DE-SIGN-ER." she explained.

"Oh..." I managed to say I knew I had hurt her feelings the other day when I had criticized the room, but I still was not sure what to say to her, "Well, I'm going to get a shower. The door will be open until I'm going to get out, if you need anything in there."

She cocked her eyebrow at me and knelt back down to work again. I figured she saw that as an invitation.OH, That was a great way to resolve the problem I had caused! I shrugged and went into my bedroom to put my stuff away.

Had I been suggesting something to her subconsciously?

I shook the idea off, went into the bathroom and turned the shower on.

As I stood in the shower I let the warm water kneed at my aching muscles and the troubles of my mind. The idea of just leaving, giving no notice to anyone was so appealing. Flying away on a private jet, designated for anywhere. Leaving no one with the slightest idea of where I was. It was not impossible, I could do it.

Be spontaneous JC

But what was keeping me? What kept me tied to where I was besides a contract that I had dug my way out of before? I sighed and lathered my hands with the soap and began to rub it over my body.

If I did leave... what would I really miss?

Performing?The group? My family? The girlfriend I didn't have?... The knot in my stomach and hormone rush that had suddenly began the day before, with the opening of the door into a crimson condo?

I bit my bottom lip gently and pondered that for a moment. I had spent the last night fantasizing about the woman crouched down in the next room over. And rather than hating the idea of being so turned on by another woman after the recent (six months prior) end of my long term relationship with Bobbi, this time was no where near my mind.

"Stop it JC!" I scolded myself and put the soap back in the dish and tilted my head back for the conditioner to rinse from my hair.

But she was so...

With those deep, attentive brown eyes, full lips, and soft tan, how could I get her out of my mind?

I breathed deep, turned the water off and reached for a towel hanging on the rack beside the shower.

"...JC...you need a girl."

Justin's words popped back in my mind. "I can't do this again." I murmured to myself, drying myself off and putting my shorts and a tee on. I looked at the door of the bathroom before me and sighed.

Just do it JC...what can you lose?

What could I lose? She had already conquered the role of conquering my pride and ego in just the moment that we meet one another.

Forget it...

I dried and threw a t-shirt and a pair of shorts on. Casually drying my hair I came into the living room with a towel resting around my shoulders.

"How's it coming?" I asked plopping down in the couch covered with sheets. She turned around quick and gave me a quick glance, "Fine." she responded.

"So what exactly are you doing to my house?" I asked sincerely.

But obviously she was already prepared for any cocky comment I may have had ready to shoot her way.

"You have the drawings, go find out for yourself." she said and went back to work.

I was a little taken back at her quick come back,"Geez, I was only asking... plus I have no idea what you are doing." I said beginning to dry my hair with the towel.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, putting down her paint brush and finally facing me completely, now a little less defensive.

I put my towel down and looked up at her, as she glared at me, obviously despising my existance,"I never got any designs for my house. I didn't even know that was something you guys sent me, I was just a little, okay very surprised that you people could not at least give me some idea of what you were going to do!"I said.

"Well, I faxed the designs to you!"she said irritably.

I just shrugged,"Well, no you didn't."

"Yes I did!" she cried,"I did it myself."

"Uh...no...cuz obviously I never..."I went on, I had never gotten anything from their company except a notice that they were going to be there on a Tuesday, I figured that was when plans would be made...

"Are you calling me a liar?" she demanded, standing up fully.

I swallowed, here we go again, I thought to myself running my fingers through my wet hair, "No, but even if you did, you couldn't even take the courtesy to wait for my approval."

She shook her head in confusion,"What are you talking about Mr. Chasez?" she asked, "I got your approval! You faxed it back, so you would have had to have seen the designs. This was no simple task, beginning this project, it was at least a half year arrangement, in between designs, getting the items, preparing, get approval, legalizing everything, and not to mention all my other assignments."

"Well obviously you screwed up somewhere in the middle!" I yelled back, now getting aggrivated my her accusations of my incompetence.

"I... I screwed up!" she cried flabbergasted and taking a step backward," I'm not just some dumb broad Mr. Chasez, I am very well educated, not meaning to pat myself on the back, but I take my job seriously and do a damn good job in the process. This is my life, and I don't 'screw up'" she stated back calm but passionately, as if she were making some grand speech.

I smirked," You sure are fiesty and certainly full of yourself."

I watched as her entire facial expression dropped from any confidence she may have had. But her brown eyes, cooled and turned ice cold. She glared at me once more and quickly without hesitation began to pick up her things. She rinsed off her brushes and other tools without a word, packed them away and stormed out.

I stared at the door that had just slammed shut behind the brunette and suddenly let it all sink in.

"...JC...you need a girl."

"What the hell is wrong with you JC!" I screamed to myself, in my lonely condo.

I laid my head back on the couch cushion and stared up at the ceiling. What was wrong with me? I was pushing away my friends, family, and now an incredibly attractive woman, whom should have been completely innocent to my metamorphosis into this...

I wasn't 'Joshua Scott Chasez' anymore...

So who was I...

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