SEVEN
The news came early one morning, around five or six, I think.
"Zac, your father's been shot. He's in critical condition at the hospital. Wake up. You have to go see him. They think. . ." Mom's breath caught in her throat for a minute. "They think he might not make it."
I was awake then. All I could think was, 'Oh my God, oh my God. My dad's going to die today.' It ran through my head over and over as I mechanically pulled on clothes and found my way to the van. Ike was in the driver's seat while Mom tried to calm herself in the passenger's seat. All the kids, excluding Tay, were seated in the back. He was following in his own car. We nearly flew to the hospital.
It physically hurt me to look at my dad. They hadn't even bothered to clean the blood up. The bandages over his chest, where he was shot, were blood-soaked. His eyes were shut and his breathing was irregular. He looked so weak. I never thought I'd see the day when my dad was no longer a super hero to me, but there it was. It was a slap in the face.
Maybe I was the only one in the room at that moment. Maybe everyone else was there. I didn't know; I didn't care. My eyes were glued to the heart monitor. I watched as the line got more and more extreme, and then as it flattened out. Then I turned to my father, the man I was quite sure would never die, and wiped a single tear from my eye.
I stumbled past the frantic nurses and out of the room, not surprised that two hours had passed since my arrival at the hospital. I delivered the news to Mom myself. I didn't cry. I had to be strong for my mother and my younger siblings. I was all they had left. I had to be strong.
The next days passed in a blur and before I knew it, I was sitting in the funeral home in my Sunday suit. Mackie sat on my right, Avery on my left. Destiny was on Avery's other side, holding her hand. I gave them all the strength I had. There was no time to think of myself.
Each of us had our chance to say goodbye. I took Mackie and Avery to say theirs before finding myself alone at the casket. I knelt on the cold ground and tried to put my feelings into words.
"Dad," I began, "you can never know what you mean to me. I can't give enough to repay you for everything you've taught me and done for me. Now I don't even have the chance to try. I'm sorry that I was such a pain and that I didn't listen. I'm sorry that you can't be proud of me like you were of Tay and Ike. God, if you're listening, give me a sign. Show me I'm forgiven!" I didn't receive a sign, and that's when the sobs exploded from my body.
I contained my tears as much as I could and went back to my family. The rest of the funeral was beautiful. Taylor, Ike and I did a heartfelt version of "I Will Come To You". Even though "With You In Your Dreams" might have been more appropriate, "I Will Come To You" was Dad's favorite song.
After the burial, I had a whispered conversation with my mom. "I want Destiny and Robert to stay the night with us. Please?"
She gave in easily, needing the support as much as we did.
Robert and Destiny were waiting for us by our car. "Would you guys stay over tonight? We need you."
"We know you do," Destiny said.
Robert agreed. "We're here for you." Then he started speaking about affirmations of life and remembering him as he was.
The whole family slept in the living room. Destiny and I were curled up on the floor, holding each other. Robert and Tay were talking quietly while Ike and Mom comforted the kids.
"Desy," Mackie broke the silence, "Robert, will you sing to us?"
After a moment, Robert and Destiny began singing, their voices twining together beautifully. "If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye. Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me, remember me, I'll be with you in your dreams." The sound of voices were the last thing I heard as I drifted off to sleep.
EIGHT
There is honestly no better way to wake up than to open your eyes and see someone you care about very much laying next to you. I watched Destiny for about five minutes. She continued to sleep peacefully. I leaned over to kiss her cheek gently.
"Morning Zac," she mumbled sleepily.
"Morning, Destiny," I answered. "Thanks for staying her last night. I love you."
"I love you too." We got up and found Mom sitting alone at the kitchen table, staring into her coffee cup. Destiny gestured for me to leave so she could talk to my mom alone. I eavesdropped by the door.
"Good morning, Diana," she said. "How are you doing? You look a bit tired."
"Morning." Mom lifted her face to see Destiny. There are dark circles under her eyes. "I didn't get much sleep. In all the years Walker and I have been married, I can only think of a time or two that I slept alone. I don't much like it."
"Well. . ." Destiny sat down as well. "I can't say that I understand what you're going through, but I do know that I would be lost without Zac. I love him very much and if anything happened, I'd probably try to go with him. But Zac wouldn't want me to do that and I know Walker would never let you do that. Most likely, he wants you to be strong and move on. Take care of the kids, raise them to be good people and honor his memory. And you know that if you need help, Zac and I, not to mention Ike, Tay, Robert and Mom, are here for you."
A pensive smile crossed my mom's face. "Thanks, Destiny. You're right. How did you get to be so wise at such a young age?"
"I've seen. . ." Destiny hesitated before going on. "I've seen a lot of stuff that no one should have to see, especially not a child like I was. I never had the chance to be safe and happy until I came to live with my mom. You have no idea how lucky you are that you can give your kids a safe, happy, healthy, loving home."
"Oh, I do," Mom replied. "I really do. I'm sorry you never had that when you were growing up. It's something every child should have. There was only one thing I couldn't give my babies, but you can. You did, for Zac. You gave him yourself, his soulmate. He won't ever forget how lucky he is to have you.
"Don't know about that, but I won't forget how lucky I am to have him. I haven't said anything yet, but I have to go to New York in two days. My dad's birthday is coming up. Can Zac go with me?"
"I wish he could, sugar, but he had to go on tour in a week. I begged them to push the date back, so we could grieve in peace, but they say that every show is sold out already and there's no way we can postpone it. We'll be in New York for a little while. He could visit you then."
"I guess that'll have to do." She sighed and came out to talk to me. "I tried," she whispered.
"I know, angel, I know."
Time passed too quickly. Before I knew it, it was the night before she left. I was to stay at her house and see her off at the airport with Robert and Sharon. We had the house to ourselves for awhile. We were in our pajamas, cuddled up on the living room couch.
"Zac? I wanted to talk to you about. . .well, you know, sex." She didn't look at me as she said it.
"What about it?" I asked curiously. Sex was one thing that we hadn't brought up.
"I just wanted to know if you want to do it." She rephrased her question. "What I mean is, do you want to make love to me tonight?"
My eyeballs nearly popped out of my head. "You're asking? Destiny, are you crazy? You have to ask?"
She silenced me with a kiss. "It'll be my first time. I want it to be you. But only if you're as committed to this relationship as I am."
"You're my soulmate. I would never leave you." I put my arms around her. "If you think that we need to do this to stay together, you're wrong. I'm not doing anything that you don't really want to."
"I want to," she purred in my ear. She led me up the stairs to her bedroom once again, and I shivered with anticipation.
It was strange and beautiful and awkward and perfect all at the same time. It started out sort of uncomfortably. The condom was clumsy and we were both worried about hurting her. After I was in and we got a pleasurable rhythm going, it turned into a piece of heaven. We came together and fell asleep in each other's arms.
She had been gone for less than twelve hours when I started to miss her. That night as I slept, I did the only thing I could; I dreamt of her.
I ran into the apartment to find her laying on the floor. She was stoned, obviously, and by the looks of it, screwed. How could she do that? I loved her so much and there she was, naked on the ground with a strange guy. It broke my heart to see her like that.
Her father came up behind me. "Tis a sad, sad thing, eh?" His voice sounded old and tired. "My poor baby. Could've saved her." I wondered if he was talking to me or himself. "Could've, but didn't. Don't blame yourself, son. She was raised this way. She doesn't know any other life."
"What?" I asked him. "What do you mean? I don't understand what you mean!"
Suddenly I realized that I was looking at a picture. I glanced up and saw that I was at a funeral. Her father's funeral. I walked to the casket and peeked inside. He and Destiny lay side by side. Then I realized that it wasn't her father, but mine.
I woke up screaming. My body was dripping with sweat, but I shook. "Oh God, don't let her be dead. I'll do anything, but please don't let her be dead," I cried as I dialed the phone number with shaking hands.
"Hello?"
"Destiny? Is that you, baby?" I finally began to breathe again.
"Zac? Yeah, it's me. What's wrong? Did something happen?" She sounded as panicked as I had been a moment ago.
"No, no, I just had a dream that you were, you know, in a better place."
"I get it. But no need to worry. I'm fine, honey. I keep a Tech-9 under my bed. Where I can reach it anytime I need it."
"What do you know about guns?"
"Too much," she sighed. "Way more than most sixteen-year-old girls. But I really need to get some sleep. Don't worry."
"I'll try not to. I love you."
"Love you more."
"Yeah, you wish."
"Whatever. Night."
"Night." We hung up and I returned to bed. My shivering had become a slight tremor, hardly noticable. Before I fell asleep, I found my favorite teddy bear. I fell asleep holding it, crying for Destiny.
NINE
It was the first concert of our world-wide tour to promote the brand new album. I was hyped up, the way I always was before a show. The only thing in the world that could have made me happier was having Destiny by my side. I had talked to her on the phone every day since her abscence began, but it wasn't the same.
Unknown to me, Destiny sat on the front steps of her apartment building. It was just like old times. She had forgotten how much she missed this life, but it was all coming back to her. The guys, the guns, the drugs, the parties, the music. The life. The way she grew up.
"If only Zac were here," she told herself. "He wouldn't like this, though. This is the old me, the old life.
"Dessy, is that you?" A well-built guy with coal black eyes moved closer to the steps. "What are you doing back here?"
A quick glance revealed to her his identity. "Tricky! Hey, baby. I can't believe it's really you. I came back for my summer visit." They hugged for a moment. "I am so glad to see you."
"I'm glad to see you too. I missed you, babe. Things just ain't the same without wild little Destiny Gibson running around." He leaned down to kiss her lips. She started to pull away, but as he pulled her back, she decided on just one kiss. For old times' sake, of course.
"Come back to my place?" he asked. She nodded and they walked off to his apartment. Zac was on her mind the whole time.
The next day, as Isaac drove, I leaned out the window, peering at street signs. "Here's her apartment," I yelled loudly. "Stop the freaking car, Ike. I want to get out and see my baby."
"Go then, dumbass," he replied. I jumped out and ran toward the door, up the steps and down the hall, right up to her apartment. I knocked twice.
"It's open," a guy's voice called from inside. I opened the door to find a buff blond guy with surprisingly dark eyes sprawled on the couch. "Oh, you must be Zac. I'm Tricky. Old friend of Destiny's, you could say. She's still asleep, but you can wake her."
"Yeah, thanks." I made my way down the hall, pissed. Who is this guy to tell me that I can wake my girlfriend? And what had he meant by 'old friend of Destiny's, you could say'?
The first room I found was hers. She was curled up in the fetal position, hair falling across her face. I remembered the fairy tales my little sisters loved and woke her with a kiss. Brushing my lips against hers, I touched her hair.
"Zac?" she yawned. "Baby, I missed you so much." She pulled me down onto the bed. "It's been almost two weeks. I was supposed to go home tomorrow, but your mom invited me to go with you guys."
"I knew she'd come through," I cheered. "She loves having another woman to talk to. And you cheer her up so much. She's been scaring the kids, waking up every night screaming. It scares me too, how she keeps seeing Dad die in her dreams. It's like an abyss that the whole family is falling into, and there's no way to get out."
"I know, sugar." Her long arms went around me supportively. "I know it scares you and it hurts. But I hope you know that all of you have me if you need anything. I'll be there. And Robert, of course. You're his best friends. And Mom would do anything for Ike and you guys. Anything you need, just say so."
"Look at this." I felt so pathetic. "I've been here for less than five minutes and I'm already tossing my problems on you. Don't let me do that. I know you have stuff to deal with too." The conversation went from there, interrupted by the occasional kiss or silence.
Tricky waited outside the door with a smile. He would get this fag for messing with his girl; he would have his revenge. Tricky never lost.
