CHAPTER ONE

She approached the hotel room, the key poised in her hand, an enormous smile across her beautiful face. She hoped he would be surprised, and pleased, that she decided to join him full time on tour. She was hesitant to quit her job, and initially, he enjoyed that she had outside interests and friends to keep her occupied. But as his love grew, so did his desire to keep her by his side as much as possible. He loved waking up next to her, feeling her warm body cuddled against him in sleep. He loved walking into the hotel room or tour bus and finding her belongings everywhere, subtle hints of the life they shared together. But he loved her most of all, and the immeasurable happiness she brought into his life.

He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, his hands on the counter, and his body leaning forward to determine if he exhibited any outward signs of despair or anxiety. He tried to avoid looking at his eyes, because the anguish and the guilt reflected in each dark orb would render him useless for yet another day. It took all of his energy and stamina to simply leave his bed that morning, get in the shower, and dress himself. He heard AJ pacing in the next room, and the faint murmurings of telephone conversations.

"Yeah, man…he's up…don't know if he drank anything 'cause I only got here a few minutes ago…he's getting dressed now…hopefully he can walk out of here okay…"

He strained to hear the rest of the conversation but AJ walked onto the balcony. It did not matter; he knew what the discussion was about. Everyone was worried about him, as he had not left his home in several days. He refused to take telephone calls, refused to answer the door. He barely made it home with his sanity intact after the first leg of the tour. He dreaded the inevitable day when the tour began anew, because he would have to leave the place where he could be reminded of her…her scent was everywhere, on the sheets, the pillows…her make up and jewelry rested on the bathroom counters…her favorite drinks were in the fridge…and her clothes remained in the closet, waiting for her return. He could not bear to part with any of them.

She noticed Nick at the end of the hallway and waved. Nick looked at her, surprised to find her there, but with a welcome smile on his face. He yelled back, "Hey! How 'ya doing, girl?" She grinned, her dimples prominent on both cheeks. She put her finger to her lips and mouthed, "Shhh..it's a surprise!" Nick understood and nodded his head. He gave her a thumbs up sign and walked into his own room.

She quietly opened the hotel room door and closed it gently behind her. She did not want to wake him up. The room was quite dark, the curtains were drawn and only a sliver of light emerged from under the hotel door. She let her hands guide her through the room, running them along the wall and in front of her until she found a chair, and a table. She placed her purse there and her only piece of luggage on the floor. She continued along until she found a night table, and groped until her fingers found the lamp. She turned on the light.

AJ would occasionally look in the bathroom, remarking that he only wanted to make sure that his friend was on time, although he knew that AJ was actually making sure that he did not slit his own throat with a razor. The thought had crossed his mind more than once, but the thought that they would reconcile their relationship-if she gave him the chance to love her again- kept him alive.

"…Has anyone found her yet? What the fuck does that mean?" He heard AJ say the words angrily. "Maybe we need to get another P.I. This one seems to be doing shit!"

He sighed. He suspected that his band mates had hired a private detective to find her, but it was an effort in futility because he had done the same weeks before with no result. It was as though she never existed. There was no activity in her bank accounts or credit cards, her car remained in the garage, her accountant received her mail and paid any outstanding bills. Personal correspondence was forwarded to her family, who refused to divulge her whereabouts. The private detective could only confirm that she did not leave the country, because she was not registered on any flight under her name nor did her picture arouse any new leads with airport personnel.

He sat down on the edge of the bathtub, suddenly nauseous and light headed. He could not remember the last time he ate a full meal. He managed to swallow a few bites of toast under AJ's careful scrutiny but his stomach rebelled against the invasion of nutrition. He hated walking into the kitchen, because he remembered the times he watched her cook for him, the way she laughed and played and danced on the tile floor to the sound of music from the stereo. He remembered the way she leaned against him when he stood behind her at the stove and wrapped his hands around her small waist, the way food was forgotten as they made love instead.

He looked so peaceful in his sleep. He lay on his stomach, the sheets bunched around his waist. She could see the faint outline of his briefs. She smiled. He had taught her to sleep in the nude when they were together. She had drawers of exquisite lingerie, but he could not care less. He remarked once that there was no point in her wearing such things to bed because they only ended up on the floor anyway.

He snored softly, a sound that she found comforting, because it always reminded her that he was in the room. She leaned over to kiss the smoothness of his forehead, and tuck the blanket around him so he would not be cold. As she reached over to pull the sheets and blanket, she realized that they were tangled and would not budge. She put one knee on the corner of the bed for leverage, and then she saw it. The linens would not move because they were wrapped around another body.

He was not alone.

"Yeah, I've been keeping an eye on him…he seems shaky…I don't know if he's gonna hold up for the rest of the tour…at least the new routine will keep him in the background in case he screws up…"

Six more months on the road, with nary a break in sight. He was actually glad for the distraction , the less time he had on his hands to think about her, the better. The tour and promotional events would keep him preoccupied. At least, that is what he kept telling himself, although his heart did not want to listen. He reached over and grabbed her bottle of perfume. He sniffed the decanter, closing his eyes and picturing her face. He placed the bottle in his shaving kit, he would take it with him as a reminder.

He decided not to have either of his siblings accompany him on tour. They argued that he needed someone to watch over him, to support him as he walked through his own personal hell. He declined their offers. He just wanted to be left alone. He wondered if she was with someone, who she had to support her after she left him. He prayed fervently that it was not another man.

Even now, after hours and days and weeks of reflection, he could not find any logical or reasonable explanation for his behavior. He drank quite a bit that night, but was not drunk. Their relationship was great, in fact he was ecstatic that she agreed to consider joining him on tour. He spent the morning on the telephone with her, talking about the interviews he attended, their new ideas for the second leg of the tour, and what he wanted to do with her when, and if, she decided to join him. He had emerged from his tour bus that day with a gleam in his eyes and a noticeable bulge in his jeans, given the erotic turn of their telephone conversation.

She scrunched her eyes together a few times, hoping that it was her imagination. The unfamiliar form remained on the other side of the bed. She did not move. She could only stare. Her heart pounded in her ears, she was convinced that he would hear it so she tried to take a few deep breathes to calm down. She felt flushed yet goose bumps broke out along her skin as if a sudden chill entered the room. Her mouth was dry and she found it hard to swallow. She stared at the back of its head, watched the sheet rise and fall as it breathed. She could not get her feet to move. This has to be a dream, she thought. That explains why I can't move. It's just a dream…

He got up and made his way into the bedroom. He saw AJ on the balcony, smoking a cigarette. He continued to pack his suitcase, feeling AJ's eyes on him. He knew that his friends did not know what to say or what to do to help him. He was always a rock, the peacemaker, the one they turned to for advice and strength in moments of weakness. They did not know how to reciprocate, but they desperately wanted to try.

AJ placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's going to be okay, man," he said softly. "She'll come back, you'll see. You guys love each other. You can't throw love like yours away."

He felt the tears well up in his eyes. He could barely look at his friend. He continued to pack, trying to keep his hands busy. He did not know why he bothered, none of his clothes fit him anymore because he lost so much weight. AJ teased that they would have to switch nicknames, as he would be the thinnest member of the quintet soon. Nick would visit with armfuls of groceries and sweets, in a valiant effort to entice his friend to eat. He even tried cooking chicken wings one evening, his friend's favorite, to no avail. In frustration, Nick had cursed and yelled and stomped about the condominium. "What good is it if she comes back and finds you starved to death?" he bellowed.

AJ helped him with his few pieces of luggage, and they walked silently to the door. "Aren't you going to set the alarm?" he asked him.

He shook his head. If she returned in his absence, she may not remember the code. It was much easier to simply lock the door.

His legs felt leaden as they made their way to the limousine. He took one last glance around him, hoping that he would find her making her way into their home. AJ placed a hand on his back, hinting that he needed to get into the vehicle. He could hear the chauffer place their belongings in the trunk, then his footsteps as he approached the driver's seat. A few moments later, the glass partician was lowered and the chauffer confirmed their destination.

AJ grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels from the bar and took off the cap. He did not bother with a glass. He took a deep gulp of the amber fluid and passed it to his friend, who drank greedily. His brothers would kill him if they were witness to this scene, but it was the only thing that seemed to make his friend feel better.

"We're gonna find her, D.," he thought to himself. "I promise you, we'll find her."