CHAPTER FOUR

She knew she was being followed. It did not surprise her. She knew that he, and his friends, would stop at nothing to find her.

When she left the hotel that morning, she did not know where to go, or what to do. But she knew that she did not want to be followed, so she was careful. She took a bus rather than a plane; she used cash instead of credit cards. She telephoned her family and told them she needed time alone, and managed to fend off their endless questions and concerns. Her best friend, Michael, lent her his car so she could not be traced. Her life became a series of precautions and safety measures, all intended to give her peace and uninterrupted time while she reflected on her relationship with him.

People said that you could get lost in New York, so she ended up here. But as the days and weeks slowly burned away, she became careless. Suddenly being alone did not seem so advantageous. She missed him. She thought about him during the day and dreamt about him at night. She could not help it. It was like breathing.

She relived that night at least a hundred times a day, but now, there was no anger. Only a deep, wrenching sadness was left in its wake. She wanted to know why. The question resounded in her brain constantly. She thought about calling him, eventually they would need to speak. At the very least, she needed to go back to the home they shared for her belongings.

She anticipated that he would contact her by telephone once the private detective informed him of her whereabouts. She was not prepared to find him in her hotel room, his back to her as he stared out of the vast window. She gasped, loudly, dropping her hotel key on the carpet in the process. When he turned to look at her, she started to cry unabashedly. She had been surprised by his presence but was now shocked by his appearance. She never expected him to be like this, to look so vulnerable and so frail.

He was not sure what to do. He dared not approach her in case she darted out of the room; therefore he merely stood by the window and choked out a greeting.

Hi.

Hi.

Please don't cry. This is killing me. I can't stand to see you cry…

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry…can I come over there?

Why?

I just want to touch you…I just need to feel you…I feel useless here…just tell me what to do.

She slowly made her way across the hotel room, stopping when she reached the middle of the room. He advanced slowly, too, until they stood eye to eye. He raised his arm, carefully, all the while looking at her face for signs that she would flee. He found none. He let his hand rest on her waist. He took his other arm and brought her closer to him, until she was touching his chest. He could feel her heart beating, and see the tears dangling on each delicate eyelash. She still did not move. Finally, the urge being too strong, he grabbed her and hugged her against him tightly, feeling her wet tears on his shoulder.

Oh god…I'm so sorry, baby…I'm so sorry…

I don't understand. Don't you love me anymore?

I will love you the rest of my life! I've always loved you!

Then why? WHY?

I don't know…I missed you…she was there…it was just this stupid thing…I can't explain it…

Is there something wrong with me?

NO! Don't ever think that! Don't even say it!

Is she better in bed? Maybe I don't satisfy you any-

NO! Baby, I love making love to you. There isn't a moment in the day that I don't think of being inside you…we didn't have sex anyway. I couldn't do it. I just gave up after a while and told her to stay the night. I just wanted someone there with me.

I came to tell you that I quit my job. I was going to be with you on tour.

Oh shit. Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. You didn't seem too sure when we talked about it.

I changed my mind. I wanted to be with you. Howard?

What, baby?

There has to be a reason why. There must have been something I did, or said-

There wasn't! It wasn't you! It's me! I'm the one that fucked up! I just-

What?

Nothing.

Don't say that! You can't do this to me! I deserve an explanation!

I don't know what to tell you…I've thought about why over and over again until I thought I'd go nuts…I missed you. I wanted some company. Sometimes I think I wanted to prove that I still had options.

I don't understand…what options?

There are times when I love you so much it scares me to death. That I could feel this much about someone else. Like with my sister. When she died, I didn't think I could ever get over it. But what I feel for you is a hundred times what I felt for my sister. If I lost you, I don't know what I would do. I wondered if I had the option NOT to love you like this. What if I can't make this relationship work? What if you left me? That night, thinking of you and wondering if you would come with me on tour, I don't know…I just got confused…I wanted to prove, I think, that I could make it without you.

She left the circle of his arms and wiped her hand across her wet cheeks. She looked at him for any signs that he was lying. His gaze never wavered; he did not flinch or move away.

How many times has this happened?

What happened?

Having sex with someone else. Just tell me. I can take it. I won't get mad, I promise. Just tell me, okay? I need to know.

Just this time. I swear it.

There was no one else?

No. You know about all the other women before you. But there has been no one since, until that night. I swear it on my sister's grave.

He walked over to the bed and sat down on it, his head in his hands for a few moments. He was tired. He felt the mattress shift as she sat down beside him.

Will you come back with me?

I don't know. I don't know if I can trust you anymore. There will be other times that I can't be with you and I can't handle worrying that you're going to find a substitute. I don't care if you couldn't go through with it. I don't want to feel like I have to be your babysitter.

You don't have to be. There will be no other women in my life.

She remained silent.

Just tell me what to do, or what to say to make you come back. I'll do it. Just tell me.

At last she looked at him.

I want you to eat. Then I want you to sleep. We can talk about this later.

I can't. I have to be back by tomorrow morning. I only have tonight to see you.

I can't give you a decision tonight!

I understand that! Look, what if you came back with me, you can have your own room, you don't even have to use my tour bus…but at least we are together and trying to work things out…can you do that, at least? Please? I just need to know that you're around.

She did not answer. He was not even sure that she heard him.

Baby? We can make this work. We can. Just give me a chance.

Silence. Then, a small voice, asking hesitantly,

I can have my own room?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay? Really?

She had to smile.

Yes.

I love you.

I know. But I can't forget this. It's not going away.

I'll help you forget. I promise.